winny Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 My blood boils when I listen to such things! He deserves absolutely NOTHING from you. Nothing at all. Complete pin drop silence that's it. While not every one on the internet is phony, majority of them are. They have perfected their game so much it is hard to know right from wrong. So should we just stay away from men online? No... We just have to be very very very very cautious. Small things such as minimum interaction till meeting in real, no sexual stuff, and treating the first meeting as first date and maybe just limit things to kissing would save lot of heartache later. Am sure OP knows all this.... Sometimes we are just so lonely n then the time is bad or whatever that we forget all this n that's when these kind of guys get their chance... They are master manipulators with no heart... So he is not worthy to be a friend or anything... Don't worry, you are not alone n your situation is not worst.... And this will be over soon... Take care... 1
winny Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 My real problem is that I made a huge mistake that night and I slept with him hoping to correct it. What????? No mistake however much big needs you to sleep with them to correct it!!!
winny Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Speaking for myself and the mistakes that I made -- I let men bust my boundaries because I was desperate to feel love and validation, I was dependent on someone else to make me happy, but most of all, I was fearful of being alone. In the back of my head, I would be screaming this is so wrong but I would quickly resort to talking myself into accepting that it was all I could do/get and that it was better than nothing. Kept me staying. Older and wiser now. Learning to get there myself
Thegreatestthing Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 You didn't make any mistakes ,lots of people's relationships online start this way,long distance and end up great successes,you even used skype so had clear idea he was real,you enjoyed his love and attention like any human being. Second he turned out to be a bit of an ass,and forced you to do some stuff I don't see how this is you ruining the first meeting. I understand why you feel upset now,because you invested months into him,and because he was before a source of love and attention,don't contact him again,please do not be hard on yourself about this,join a dating site and find a nice new guy. Your first mistake was investing three months in an illusion when you couldn't meet in person anytime soon. Of course you aren't the first and won't be the last, but you just have no way of knowing what sort of person you're dealing with. You were just indulging a fantasy. The second mistake was not treating the first meeting like a first meeting. The third mistake, now that you know what he actually is, is trying to hang onto this little fantasy as if there's something valuable to be saved. Just chalk it up as a lesson learned once and don't make this kind of mistake again. 1
FitChick Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 The guy is lousy in bed and can probably only manage one night stands. He probably becomes impotent if it lasts longer.
Author readynow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Maybe that's what has thrown me. He was so attentive and caring and present during all those months and couldn't wait to meet me. He always wanted us to chat on skype and not just on the phone, always initiating contact etc He practically arrived in the UK, dropped his stuff, grabbed his keys and drove down to me. That and the last 3 months is what is ingrained in my subconcious such that the events of that one night appeared just a mishap that I really wanted to blot out of history. Now add the fact that I didnt hear from him (I haven't contacted him either - and wont) just makes me wonder what it was all about after all.
Shashasha Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Goodness - this sounds so unfortunate and ridiculous! I cant believe he just left you like that? Please do not contact him anymore - he was on the lookout for other things and he surely does not deserve you. 1
Author readynow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 So, this morning, I received a message from him saying he's sorry he hasn't been in touch and that he's been ill and receiving treatment in hospital, his (terminally ill) sister took a turn for the worse and he's had to sort out care including meetings with social workers etc and on top of that, very close friend died suddenly of heart attack and he's assisting in funeral arrangements. And at sister's care home as we speak. This was a few hours ago and I haven't replied yet. What do you make of this?
Emilia Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 So, this morning, I received a message from him saying he's sorry he hasn't been in touch and that he's been ill and receiving treatment in hospital, his (terminally ill) sister took a turn for the worse and he's had to sort out care including meetings with social workers etc and on top of that, very close friend died suddenly of heart attack and he's assisting in funeral arrangements. And at sister's care home as we speak. This was a few hours ago and I haven't replied yet. What do you make of this? Do you think it's true? I know bad stuff happens simultaneously sometimes but don't you think that he is just a liar?
Author readynow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Hi Emilia, I've never experienced him lie to me before so not sure I have enough to call him a liar... but you never know!
Zahara Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 So, this morning, I received a message from him saying he's sorry he hasn't been in touch and that he's been ill and receiving treatment in hospital, his (terminally ill) sister took a turn for the worse and he's had to sort out care including meetings with social workers etc and on top of that, very close friend died suddenly of heart attack and he's assisting in funeral arrangements. And at sister's care home as we speak. This was a few hours ago and I haven't replied yet. What do you make of this? It doesn't eliminate the fact that you had to say, as you say "a lot of stop and no" to him when he was having sex with you because he was aggressive and pushy. It doesn't eliminate the fact that he didn't care less about you expressing your discomfort over what happened and seemed to have an indifferent attitude after sex. It doesn't eliminate the fact that he ignored you for two days and when he finally did respond on the third day, he said he had a problematic day and would ring later and never did -- when it was an opportunity to tell you all the unfortunate situations that had cropped up. He may have an ill sister. He could have contacted you when you asked if he got home safe, unless he got ill in the car? He ignored you. And if all of these unfortunate situations happened within that one day, the least he could have done was send you a quick text -- it doesn't take but seconds to do so. As I said, he may have an ill sister, he may have been ill and just lost a friend, but if someone really wants to keep communication open and has interest to communicate, they will. 3
Author readynow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Oh I totally agree with that. Even with all hell coming down, it doesn't take 10secs to send a quick text. I do know that he looked in briefly on his sister before he came down and wasn't too happy with her condition but thought he'd be back the next day - he could still have texted. Maybe he has been quiet because he KNEW he didn't do right and didn't know how to handle it and now, he thinks time has passed and maybe there is still something to salvage... Or I wasn't what he expected, the night wasn't what he expected, I was supposed to want it all not stop at every turn and then he just wants to shut the door on the whole thing but started to feel guilty as we were good before that night... Or he had all these issues and put our drama to the back seat till things were a bit calmer... Or he thinks I should have calmed down by now and is wondering if I'll sleep with him again... Or he lost interest and now, he's interested again! Who knows? Perhaps I just reply with a one-liner, expressing empathy for the issues that suddenly befell him.
winny Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Oh I totally agree with that. Even with all hell coming down, it doesn't take 10secs to send a quick text. I do know that he looked in briefly on his sister before he came down and wasn't too happy with her condition but thought he'd be back the next day - he could still have texted. Maybe he has been quiet because he KNEW he didn't do right and didn't know how to handle it and now, he thinks time has passed and maybe there is still something to salvage... Or I wasn't what he expected, the night wasn't what he expected, I was supposed to want it all not stop at every turn and then he just wants to shut the door on the whole thing but started to feel guilty as we were good before that night... Or he had all these issues and put our drama to the back seat till things were a bit calmer... Or he thinks I should have calmed down by now and is wondering if I'll sleep with him again... Or he lost interest and now, he's interested again! Who knows? Perhaps I just reply with a one-liner, expressing empathy for the issues that suddenly befell him. Main question is - based whatever you know about him till now as a person... do you think he is good for you? Maybe you can write it down here... all the pros and cons and see what you make out of it...
Zahara Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Main question is - based whatever you know about him till now as a person... do you think he is good for you? Maybe you can write it down here... all the pros and cons and see what you make out of it... The issue with that is she knows him as a person based on what he presented over a computer screen. And he presented himself very well and therefore the fantasy overrides the reality -- as in when he did have the opportunity to present himself in person, he created a bad and ugly first impression.
Author readynow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 It doesn't eliminate the fact that he ignored you for two days and when he finally did respond on the third day, he said he had a problematic day and would ring later and never did... He could have contacted you when you asked if he got home safe, unless he got ill in the car?. Just a quick one, it was the evening of the next day that he texted me that he had a problematic day - He dropped me home one day, texted when he returned to the hotel and then when I texted the next day to say I was worried etc is when he texted. About him being ill, he was ill-ish when I got to him, ill-er in the morning before he dropped me off when I last saw him. But no, all that shouldn't stop him from keeping in touch.
Zahara Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Oh I totally agree with that. Even with all hell coming down, it doesn't take 10secs to send a quick text. I do know that he looked in briefly on his sister before he came down and wasn't too happy with her condition but thought he'd be back the next day - he could still have texted. Maybe he has been quiet because he KNEW he didn't do right and didn't know how to handle it and now, he thinks time has passed and maybe there is still something to salvage... Or I wasn't what he expected, the night wasn't what he expected, I was supposed to want it all not stop at every turn and then he just wants to shut the door on the whole thing but started to feel guilty as we were good before that night... Or he had all these issues and put our drama to the back seat till things were a bit calmer... Or he thinks I should have calmed down by now and is wondering if I'll sleep with him again... Or he lost interest and now, he's interested again! Who knows? Perhaps I just reply with a one-liner, expressing empathy for the issues that suddenly befell him. Whatever the reasoning, based on what you experienced, you have to ask yourself if you truly want to keep investing in someone that off the bat has already exhibited a couple of serious red flags.
FitChick Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 You wanted to be friends. Just give short replies, as you might to a co-worker. You already know he's a lousy lover so the future would be bleak with him as a boyfriend. 1
Zahara Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Just a quick one, it was the evening of the next day that he texted me that he had a problematic day - He dropped me home one day, texted when he returned to the hotel and then when I texted the next day to say I was worried etc is when he texted. About him being ill, he was ill-ish when I got to him, ill-er in the morning before he dropped me off when I last saw him. But no, all that shouldn't stop him from keeping in touch. Irrelevant. I am sure he took 10 minutes to use the bathroom. 15 minutes to eat. I'm sure at some point he turned the TV on if he was in a hospital bed. And I am pretty sure he was checking his phone through the day unless he was completely unconcious. I had surgery recently and as soon as I came to, I texted those that I knew needed to know my status. There really is no excuse. 1
winny Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Irrelevant. I am sure he took 10 minutes to use the bathroom. 15 minutes to eat. I'm sure at some point he turned the TV on if he was in a hospital bed. And I am pretty sure he was checking his phone through the day unless he was completely unconcious. I had surgery recently and as soon as I came to, I texted those that I knew needed to know my status. There really is no excuse. I know!!! In some other post I had mentioned earlier that when am sick is when I text most. Coz there is nothing else to do that time... easiest way to pass your days in bed. Also that's the time when I like to hear sympathetic "Get Well Soon" messages from people who care for me. Why would I cut them out? Not staying in touch because someone is busy or has some issues going on at home is BS. That's the time you need all the support.... and that's the time you want to be in touch with your special someone and share your feelings with them.... 1
Author readynow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Very right, you are. I would want someone who cares sending me supportive texts during those difficult manic periods. So he has other reasons for staying away... I wonder what they are or why he's back.
Zahara Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 So he has other reasons for staying away... I wonder what they are or why he's back. Does it matter? His reasons to go or stay should not bear any meaning as to how much more investment you should give someone that is showing you this many red flags.
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