Inviv_girl Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I appreciate everyone feedback and advice on my story, I really dont know what to do and have no one to turn to. Short story my SO and I been together for 5 months and the last 3 he wanted a space because he cant be 100% sure of our future. He even went on vacation and during this time he realized how much he loves me. After I gave him the space he wants, he finally came back. We were so happy together again. Back to lovey dovey days and he gave me so much of his love and attention. He left for few weeks Christmas holiday, when he return he changed his mind and talk again about our future that he is not sure. We talked about that over and over again, we still together but he told me he change his mind and he is not sure about our future. He is going back to his home country soon (not sure when!!!) and he doesn't want to deal with the Long distance relationship. He told me he loves me, wannabe with me and want to have future with me but then he sees that is not possible for us to have future together. I mean wtfk?! If we love each other (if he loves me), we can create future together, right?! I dont know.. please correct me if Im wrong. He says he is 100% about me, its just the "future" of us that he think is not possible. Really... I cant read his mind and I am totally confuse and dont know what to do! couple of months we are together he told me not sure about our future and then after some time apart he came back and realized that he loves me very much, and give our relationship a go and now he change his mind again? Why do men always change their mind? I really dont understand this. His behaviour tearing me apart but I do love, truly love this guy so much that I will willingly be happy to take him back. Am I being realistic or just fool to myself. Seriously Im just tired with all this "love games" God throws me! Its so Not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
notthathard Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Clearly he really doesn't know what he wants. You have to think if you want this sort of guy in YOUR life. At any time he could change his mind about anything. I suggest to let him go and find a man that knows that he wants you in his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ordinaryday Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 why do men change their mind? in my experience they leave thinking they can "trade up" and get a "better" girlfriend but then they realise that they overestimated their own value to the opposite sex and that these "better" women aren't interested in them... so they try to get back what they had, figuring it is "better than nothing". sorry to sound cynical, this wouldnt apply to all men, just to a lot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 This thread not a "gender specific" issue. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Being fickle has nothing to do with having a penis - it's due to lacking maturity and decisiveness. It's just as present in women as in men. Anyway, as someone else said - he is clearly unsure as to whether he wants a future with you or not. Unfortunately, your feelings and level of commitment are much stronger than his. Some people simply cannot tolerate long distance relationships, and even the strongest of unions can fail under such circumstances. It is sad, but I think you need to sit down with him, and have a long discussion. Tell him how you feel, your concerns, and then ask him to be fair to you and be 100% honest and direct about his feelings and his visions of the future - you may not factor into this vision any longer. Prepare yourself, as the signs are there. He may not wish to continue this relationship, and you deserve to be with someone that can love you the way you love them. It is better to know now then to drag it on any longer. Whatever happens, just know that it will hurt, but it will pass. You will be okay. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I appreciate everyone feedback and advice on my story, I really dont know what to do and have no one to turn to. Short story my SO and I been together for 5 months and the last 3 he wanted a space because he cant be 100% sure of our future. He even went on vacation and during this time he realized how much he loves me. After I gave him the space he wants, he finally came back. We were so happy together again. Back to lovey dovey days and he gave me so much of his love and attention. He left for few weeks Christmas holiday, when he return he changed his mind and talk again about our future that he is not sure. We talked about that over and over again, we still together but he told me he change his mind and he is not sure about our future. He is going back to his home country soon (not sure when!!!) and he doesn't want to deal with the Long distance relationship. He told me he loves me, wannabe with me and want to have future with me but then he sees that is not possible for us to have future together. I mean wtfk?! If we love each other (if he loves me), we can create future together, right?! I dont know.. please correct me if Im wrong. He says he is 100% about me, its just the "future" of us that he think is not possible. Really... I cant read his mind and I am totally confuse and dont know what to do! couple of months we are together he told me not sure about our future and then after some time apart he came back and realized that he loves me very much, and give our relationship a go and now he change his mind again? Why do men always change their mind? I really dont understand this. His behaviour tearing me apart but I do love, truly love this guy so much that I will willingly be happy to take him back. Am I being realistic or just fool to myself. Seriously Im just tired with all this "love games" God throws me! Its so Not cool. I know it's hard , but dump him now, you will heal better, don't wait for him to do it. I'm so sorry he treats you like this and I know that you are suffering, but unfortunately he doesn't whant you like you want him. Sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Never date anyone who show hesitation and doesn't know if he/she want to be with a person. And goodness sake, it's only 5 months relationship and he is already showing this type of behavior. RUN!!!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inviv_girl Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 Being fickle has nothing to do with having a penis - it's due to lacking maturity and decisiveness. It's just as present in women as in men. Anyway, as someone else said - he is clearly unsure as to whether he wants a future with you or not. Unfortunately, your feelings and level of commitment are much stronger than his. Some people simply cannot tolerate long distance relationships, and even the strongest of unions can fail under such circumstances. It is sad, but I think you need to sit down with him, and have a long discussion. Tell him how you feel, your concerns, and then ask him to be fair to you and be 100% honest and direct about his feelings and his visions of the future - you may not factor into this vision any longer. Prepare yourself, as the signs are there. He may not wish to continue this relationship, and you deserve to be with someone that can love you the way you love them. It is better to know now then to drag it on any longer. Whatever happens, just know that it will hurt, but it will pass. You will be okay. Good luck. Thank you for your kind advice, we had a talk before, same topic and he said that he loves me and don't want to lose me. If he don't want to lose me then why he sees no future with me? this is what I don't understand I guess we need to have a long discussion again Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Thank you for your kind advice, we had a talk before, same topic and he said that he loves me and don't want to lose me. If he don't want to lose me then why he sees no future with me? this is what I don't understand I guess we need to have a long discussion again Nothing long about it. "You're a flake. I think we should see other people." 10 words. Done. Go buy yourself a cocktail afterwards to celebrate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Thank you for your kind advice, we had a talk before, same topic and he said that he loves me and don't want to lose me. If he don't want to lose me then why he sees no future with me? this is what I don't understand I guess we need to have a long discussion again Indecisiveness if a major red flag. No amount of discussion will help it. I went through this with my ex of 3 years, and I wish I had left at the first sign of waffling about commitment. You need to cut your losses. My ex didn't show signs until about a year and a half into the relationship, so, if he's already doing this at 5 months, it doesn't look good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inviv_girl Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 I gave him the space he wants to sort out his mind about our future when we had our first talk and finally he returned with more love to me. After he return from his "space" he said he was 100% sure! and he said he realized that he really loves me. And now he brought up the same discussion Link to post Share on other sites
barky2 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 More than likely, if someone is blowing hot and cold ( doesn't matter gender) someone is doing it to them also. Just for future reference Barky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) I had a similar dynamic with my ex for 3 years, but I didn't see it until 2 years in. He would be very loving, talking about how he couldn't wait to get married, called me his future wife. A few months later, he would say he wasn't 100 percent sure. This happened 3 times with him saying he wanted to marry me then backing off. The first time, he blatantly denied ever alluding to marriage. The second time, if you can believe, he bought me an engagement ring and told our families we were so excited to get married. Two months later, he comes to me saying he's not sure. After around 6 months, he still hadn't proposed and said it was his son who wasn't ready. I'm on the fence about believing this or not. Last April, he called it off. Oh, but that wasn't the end, he kept in contact, always initiated by him saying he was still not sure. Maybe it could work out. After I'd lost every ounce of dignity I had, I finally went NC. This situation tore my self esteem down to shreds over the years. I've never felt as low as I did last year, and I did it to myself. Do not engage with someone who blows hot and cold. Just cut your losses with this guy because he seems really indecisive. I've learned my lesson big time. This guy will continue with this dynamic. Once you back off, they come back. When they realize they have you, they're gone. It's so emotionally toxic. Edited January 9, 2014 by BC1980 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Gender is utterly irrelevant. You are simply and unfortunately dealing with someone who has no clue what he wants. I could have said the same about a "she". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Why do men always change their mind? In your case, as words and/or actions are in conflict, it's a sign of relationship instability in that individual, in this specific case. It's possible he might be completely consistent in another relationship, or this instability could be global. IMO, it's unknown. The main message is that, if this instability isn't inspiring confidence in you regarding the relationship, then assess that and move forward, ending it if appropriate. Generally, being a man and knowing thousands of men in my 54, we're creatures of habit and those amongst us who are unpredictable and/or unreliable are discounted by the group. Duty and keeping one's word is one's bond amongst men. How those men behave behind closed doors with their partners and spouses is unknown but, within our group, such indecision and 'waffling' would quickly find the man ejected and discounted as unreliable. YMMV> Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 This guy is not necessarily 'a flake'. After 5 months he is not committed to you. He realizes this and you realize it. If this was after a couple years then, yes, a reflection of him being indecisive, etc....and you being needy. You like him more than he likes you. Otherwise, you would have not seen him after he told you the first time that he needed space. People falling in love do not 'need space'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inviv_girl Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 I had a similar dynamic with my ex for 3 years, but I didn't see it until 2 years in. He would be very loving, talking about how he couldn't wait to get married, called me his future wife. A few months later, he would say he wasn't 100 percent sure. This happened 3 times with him saying he wanted to marry me then backing off. The first time, he blatantly denied ever alluding to marriage. The second time, if you can believe, he bought me an engagement ring and told our families we were so excited to get married. Two months later, he comes to me saying he's not sure. After around 6 months, he still hadn't proposed and said it was his son who wasn't ready. I'm on the fence about believing this or not. Last April, he called it off. Oh, but that wasn't the end, he kept in contact, always initiated by him saying he was still not sure. Maybe it could work out. After I'd lost every ounce of dignity I had, I finally went NC. This situation tore my self esteem down to shreds over the years. I've never felt as low as I did last year, and I did it to myself. Do not engage with someone who blows hot and cold. Just cut your losses with this guy because he seems really indecisive. I've learned my lesson big time. This guy will continue with this dynamic. Once you back off, they come back. When they realize they have you, they're gone. It's so emotionally toxic. Hi BC, I'm sorry what you've been through that but in my case with this guy is a bit different. He knew he is going to leave for his job but he know that he loves me and don't want to lose me, he's tore in between (I hope I see this right) therefore he confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inviv_girl Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 So I make a step and decided to end it! I told him I want to be with the man who wants me with his whole heart and as he sees no future with me so I better leave. He said he really hope we still stay in touch maybe not now but in the future! I mean why does he even want to do that?!? Should I let him or just go NC right away forever and ever!? Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 So I make a step and decided to end it! I told him I want to be with the man who wants me with his whole heart and as he sees no future with me so I better leave. He said he really hope we still stay in touch maybe not now but in the future! I mean why does he even want to do that?!? Should I let him or just go NC right away forever and ever!? NC right away... Never stay in touch with an ex that you still have feelings for (You are just gonna make yourself run in circles for life) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inviv_girl Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 We decided to meet face to face to end it, so now its officially end! I feel the pain! He said he loves me, I'm a very kind person, he likes me and I have very good personality etc etc... He said he really want to stay in touch, and maybe in a couple of months he really would like to meet and hang out but only as friends. I didn't answer him yet, I was hurt so bad and I left. He hugs me so tight and then he back off a little didn't face me but I saw him wiped his tears. I don't know if staying in touch after the break up is good idea? I mean maybe if we hang out as a friend he will change his mind and want me back? lol just saying and damn yes Im hoping! He writes me messages if I'm ok and back home safe I didn't answer him yet, should I or just let it be and go NC forever Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 No need to perpetuate the inevitable agony that this will eventually cause you. As stated previously, it's imperative for you to cut all times from the very beginning. It's time to be selfish and think about yourself. Value yourself and know that if you continue in this detrimental pattern that only you will end up hurting yourself, think about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inviv_girl Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 I didn't answer his messages and probably I wont. It so hard for me right now, all I think about is the good time we're together. Link to post Share on other sites
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