lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I think it is so much better not having that ticking time bomb in your home. There are some very recent examples on this board of people who found out about affairs that are 15 years old and how devastating that is. Secrets are never good - ever - they will almost always come back to bite you. I remember shortly after my third child was born, one of my husband's partners left - it was abrupt and was ugly as the separated out finances etc. I thought at that point there had been an affair but I had no proof. He assured me that there was not one and I believed him (this was years prior to what he have experience in the recent 5 years). But now I really do wonder - when I think back on that time and how abrupt this woman left - it was really out of the blue - I now revisit that and wonder. I can tell you this much - after what I have experienced (my affair and then the public humiliation), then my husbands affair that I know of on top of that, if it ever comes to light that there was an affair with that woman, I will be gone - no question. No - I believe it all needs to be on the table - period.
compulsivedancer Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Like Lilmiss said, finding out years later makes it no less devastating. To me this suggests that time doesn't heal this stuff when it's kept secret. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I keep hearing "if the WS has learned their lesson" but if they're still lying (for life), I might contend that they haven't learned anything. IMHO, for most BSs the dishonesty is the most difficult part. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Like Lilmiss said, finding out years later makes it no less devastating. To me this suggests that time doesn't heal this stuff when it's kept secret. Yep. The lies don't get better with age.
road Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Can marriages survive when there is no affair (physical & emotional) disclosure? Or does hiding it always lead to an aspect of dishonesty/distance in the relationship? Or perhaps I want to know if a healthy marriage can flourish without disclosure? A marriage that had an affair was not healthy. It is wrong therefore not right to not tell the BS about the affair. Denying the truth forcing the BS to live a life based on a lie instead of the truth. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Can marriages survive when there is no affair (physical & emotional) disclosure? Or does hiding it always lead to an aspect of dishonesty/distance in the relationship? Or perhaps I want to know if a healthy marriage can flourish without disclosure? I can speak on this from my experience since my wife had her affair and kept it secret for over 8 years. If she did not confess it, the chances of me ever finding out was slim to nihl. During those 8 years I thought our marriage was healthy. I also believed that the women that I was married too was faithful, honest, and respected our marriage. Guess what? It was not REAL. During those 8 years my wife had to deal with the guilt and shame of her affair... alone. She never told anyone; buried it deep inside herself. This manifested itself as depression, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of my love, etc. She could not find inner peace while carrying this huge burden. All of that DID impact our marriage; I just didn't know it at the time. I can write a small book on this subject, but I will make my point as succinct as possible: 1 - Status Quo perpetuates a huge lie and deception on your part. Every "I love you" is a lie of omission. Every anniversary and V'day is a facade. 2 - Status Quo throws the balance of power in the marriage overwhelmingly in your favor. You're playing with an entirely different set of rules unbeknownst to your spouse. 3 - Status Quo undermines the foundation of the marriage that SHOULD be based upon fidelity, honesty, mutual respect, and trust. Instead is based on lies, manipulation, and deceit. 4 - Status Quo only projects the allusion of a "healthy" marriage. 1
underpants Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I can tell you this much - after what I have experienced (my affair and then the public humiliation), then my husbands affair that I know of on top of that, if it ever comes to light that there was an affair with that woman, I will be gone - no question. If this is true, then why don't you contact her and ask her?
William Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Moderation moved this thread, entitled "What happens when there is no dday?" from Infidelity as the thread starter self describes as 'single' and their backstory has relevance so threads have been merged into the most appropriate forum. Thanks and please continue.
sunburned Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I've read through these boards and nearly all of the messages over the past few weeks trying to sort things out in my head. Really good insights here! I'm an OW (single) who had a short PA with a MM which then transitioned at this request to a friendship, which really was an EA. He ended the PA to "try again" at home and always said that he couldn't leave because of his daughter, age 5. We saw each other 3 months after the break-up, the EA was phone/text and the intense chemistry was still there. He came over to my house and he held me lovingly but there was no sex. He says things like he misses me and still has feelings for me so his solution is not to see me in person. He says if he sees me he will want to fall off a cliff with me (which I assume means resume the affair versus leave his marriage for me). I have strong feelings for him which I've articulated and he says that my feelings are stronger than his. Recently he said that he wants to be friends again as we need to step away from the cliff as "he needs to sort this out on his own." (What does that mean?) I explained the mixed messages and he claimed he wasn't giving them but then said if his situation changes, he will take a break as relationships immediately after a divorce don't work, then seek me out...but not to wait for him. I explained that letting go is hard when I'm alone and he's home with his wife, child, kissing, sex, comfort, companionship, love, etc. His response was that what I imagine is not what it is. He's previously said that the only connection with his wife is his child, but he wants an intact home. He constantly asks if I'm dating and if he thinks that I am he withdraws rapidly as he can't handle the thought of me with someone else. He desperately wants to be friends (the recent in person thing showed that we weren't over each other but more-so me than him) but I suspect that I'm meeting his emotional needs so that he can stay in his marriage as he says that I make him feel good. I'm fairly certain that he's stringing me along and I need to go NC, but I thought I'd ask those of you who've been through this already. Is he stringing me along or should I remain friends with him (and try to fall out of love). Be brutal...I need to hear it! I don't think the messages are all that mixed. He's telling you he likes you but cannot be more than friends because he remains committed to his W and dd. He said your feelings ran deeper than his. He said he wants an intact home. He said not to wait for him. Seems pretty clear to me. I wanted to be friends with my xMOM too. I really loved him as a friend. But it was the one arena in which he was the wiser. He said he could never be just friends with me. Now I appreciate why. The contact only fuels the feelings. You said it yourself -- keeping contact gives him the emotional bandaid he needs. It will be the opposite of a bandaid for you -- your wounds will continue to bleed. Is NC hard? Yes, for several weeks or months. Is it worth it? Yes. 1
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) I've read through these boards and nearly all of the messages over the past few weeks trying to sort things out in my head. Really good insights here! I'm an OW (single) who had a short PA with a MM which then transitioned at this request to a friendship, which really was an EA. He ended the PA to "try again" at home and always said that he couldn't leave because of his daughter, age 5. We saw each other 3 months after the break-up, the EA was phone/text and the intense chemistry was still there. He came over to my house and he held me lovingly but there was no sex. He says things like he misses me and still has feelings for me so his solution is not to see me in person. He says if he sees me he will want to fall off a cliff with me (which I assume means resume the affair versus leave his marriage for me). I have strong feelings for him which I've articulated and he says that my feelings are stronger than his. Recently he said that he wants to be friends again as we need to step away from the cliff as "he needs to sort this out on his own." (What does that mean?) I explained the mixed messages and he claimed he wasn't giving them but then said if his situation changes, he will take a break as relationships immediately after a divorce don't work, then seek me out...but not to wait for him. I explained that letting go is hard when I'm alone and he's home with his wife, child, kissing, sex, comfort, companionship, love, etc. His response was that what I imagine is not what it is. He's previously said that the only connection with his wife is his child, but he wants an intact home. He constantly asks if I'm dating and if he thinks that I am he withdraws rapidly as he can't handle the thought of me with someone else. He desperately wants to be friends (the recent in person thing showed that we weren't over each other but more-so me than him) but I suspect that I'm meeting his emotional needs so that he can stay in his marriage as he says that I make him feel good. I'm fairly certain that he's stringing me along and I need to go NC, but I thought I'd ask those of you who've been through this already. Is he stringing me along or should I remain friends with him (and try to fall out of love). Be brutal...I need to hear it! Your MM sounds exactly like my exMM. I think you should give him his space like he asked before so he can sort his life out. Being friends is a bad idea. The fact that he asked to be friends is evidence that you are meeting some emotional needs for him that he wants to hang onto, but that is called "cake eating" and it's a bad idea. Edited January 19, 2014 by Popsicle 2
bobwhite007 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Can marriages survive when there is no affair (physical & emotional) disclosure? Or does hiding it always lead to an aspect of dishonesty/distance in the relationship? Or perhaps I want to know if a healthy marriage can flourish without disclosure? Mine still wont admit it. Can our marraige survive it? I dont know yet. Can i survive is the question. I now have 20+ phone suspected numbers i dont know whose they are. 3 tracking devices going all the time and a couple other things as well. I still dont sleep well. I ask what they were doing and she says nothing. Have they been in contact? Not as far as i can tell. Was it someone else i am missing? Maybe. Will i ever trust her again? Dont think so. Have i tried to improve myself? Yes. A great deal. Are we surviving without disclousure ? Barely. Why she wont disclose what was happening? Because she is selfish and afraid..? Should you keep secrets about a suspected affair from your partner? No No No. The lies are worse and harder to accept than the actual affair.
Snipercatt Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 ..but not to wait for him. I Purple, he is giving you mixed messages to bsolve himself of guilt should you decide to continue seeing him. He always wants to be able to say,"but I told you not to wait". Regarding NC? That's up to you, but go in with your eyes wide open that waiting for anything to change with him is futile.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 If this is true, then why don't you contact her and ask her? I have often thought that some day I will. Our paths do not cross very often, even though we live only five minutes from each other. We are actually members of a club together, but she rarely comes due to her schedule. She and I are cordial and even though initially I thought the dissolving of the partnership was all about finances, etc - there were some hard feelings for awhile, but we seem to have gotten past that. I am definitely now in a position where I could ask the question - however I can't imagine she would answer it honestly (if it was in fact true). But to me, it would explain the reason why her husband was not very nice in the first few years afterwards.
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