Author LadyM Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 This is a fair point. It also represents you affirmatively taking control of the situation, instead of feeling like you have no option but to sit back and passively be affected by it. Big difference there. It really is the smartest move to make. I wonder if most everyone here on LS does this.
Trimmer Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 It really is the smartest move to make. I wonder if most everyone here on LS does this. It seems like for people who accept that the relationship is over, going complete NC is hard, certainly, but any kind of continued active link is even worse: Facebook updates, friends mentioning "he's asking about you", even a birthday or Christmas well-wish, all often come as emotional triggers and significant setbacks. Note I mentioned "for people who accept that the relationship is over"... There is a subset of people who try to use NC as a tool of action - "getting him to see how strong I am/how attractive I am/earn his respect back/learn how much he misses me..." - to attempt to get a mate back when they don't believe that the relationship is actually over. I don't believe NC-for-a-relationship-that's-over and NC-to-manipulate-your-partner-back are the same thing at all. As far as my own experience, I have 2 kids with her, so NC is absolutely not an option. I focused on separating the "characters" of our relationship. I have accepted that my "spouse" character is gone forever, but that I still need to have a working relationship with my "co-parent" character, and that helps me compartmentalize. Sucked big-time at first, but I'm past most of it, other than the occasional trigger, which I can handle OK.
Author LadyM Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Interesting take on NC and how it can be used for two different purposes. Sometimes I think the two purposes can become blurry and blend together. You are so right that as hard as NC is, keeping an active link is worse because the hope continues endlessly. The brain gets wired to automatically hope that when we hear that tone, that it is our ex texting, even though the chances for that are remote and it isn't healthy for us anyway. It's all so crazy!
BN1990 Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 the brain gets wired to automatically hope that when we hear that tone, that it is our ex texting, even though the chances for that are remote and it isn't healthy for us anyway. It's all so crazy! I experience the same thing with textmsgs...but what i have done is change the alert tone to a different one for her number, so all texts i hear are fine but if i hear her alert tone... ill need a defibrillator I think the whole "encounter" was handled pretty well by you, he simply let you know about a death and you sent your condolences, that it. When i spoke to my ex after 3 and a bit months of NC i had every intention not to bring anything up but of course i blabbered everything out.. you kept it friendly and thats all... you done well, and you kept your pride! Now continue healing like you have been before he triggered your emotions with this text... I still have yet to understand NC but what the others are saying is great advice and luckily you dont have a permanent link like a kid.. Some questions will never be answered unfortunately and im only coming to terms with that now... keep the head up :) 1
Author LadyM Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 LOVE the defibrillator line....funny! That is such a great idea to change the tone of a text from the ex. I'm thinking that you chatting up with your ex wasn't so bad and I kind of wish that I didn't end our texting so quickly. Our texting was brief, but he was more talkative than me and I could have taken that opportunity to ask him about his life. Still so very curious about him and his life. Although, maybe knowing would have brought me even more pain.
BN1990 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I'm thinking that you chatting up with your ex wasn't so bad and I kind of wish that I didn't end our texting so quickly. Our texting was brief, but he was more talkative than me and I could have taken that opportunity to ask him about his life. Still so very curious about him and his life. Although, maybe knowing would have brought me even more pain. Im not too sure about that, it was just prolonging pain maybe... like we hadn't spoke in 3 months or so after 3 and a half years seeing eachother every day.... real close... and the NC was killing me and wondering why she never contacted me... then when i did contact her i was in contact with her for a month from november to December.. she told me that she regrets not giving me a chance back when we broke up 3 months earlier? like what the hell? why do i need to know that.. that really hurt and still does! now i havent spoke to her in over a 10 days, and i bet she wont initiate contact... if i were you i would be glad with the brief encounter because you will know less! less that can hurt you...
Author LadyM Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Im not too sure about that, it was just prolonging pain maybe... like we hadn't spoke in 3 months or so after 3 and a half years seeing eachother every day.... real close... and the NC was killing me and wondering why she never contacted me... then when i did contact her i was in contact with her for a month from november to December.. she told me that she regrets not giving me a chance back when we broke up 3 months earlier? like what the hell? why do i need to know that.. that really hurt and still does! now i havent spoke to her in over a 10 days, and i bet she wont initiate contact... if i were you i would be glad with the brief encounter because you will know less! less that can hurt you... I know you're right. The chances are extremely good had we had more of a conversation that there was every likelihood that he would have said something, or everything, that would make me feel awful. Maybe my instincts to cut it short were to protect myself. That your ex said that she regrets not giving you a chance when you broke up makes me think that she still has feelings for you and she may be back one day. Do let us know if there's more contact between the two of you!
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