madelinex Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I met this guy two weeks ago and he came up to me and introduced himself. We talked on facebook for a day and he asked me for my number, he ended up calling me and we talked on the phone for three hours. He texted me everyday first and every night he would call me and we would talk for 2-3 hours. I was sick and he texted me saying, check your front door and found that he left me soup, icecream, and a card. We saw each other in person a week later. He was such a gentleman, opening car doors for me, giving me his jacket etc. We saw a movie, ate a great dinner with few drinks and we just kissed and held hands. He said he wants to take things slow so no sex. He was set on taking things slow because he did not want to rush into a relationship. We got into a tiny argument about something stupid but he called me saying he wants to give it a shot. We saw each other again two days later which was yesterday and we had dinner and we sat in his car talking for 2 hours about everything and before i went home he gave me a kiss. Then today, he texted me saying how he is not ready for a relationship and how he does not want to lead me on. He said I am not the one and he did not feel the chemistry. ummm what? we were fine yesterday, I told him im going to go in my house and he said no stay for few more minutes. so what is he talking about? How can a person determine if he or she is the one in a span of two dates? is that even possible? And he was telling me how his jacket has my scent on it and how he likes it. Obviously he did lead me on saying all these things to me. Ive had relationships where chemistry developed after 4-5 dates so isnt two dates too soon to decide? I really started getting feelings for him so i am wondering if i should move on or reach out. 1
sagetalk Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 How can a person determine if he or she is the one in a span of two dates? is that even possible? That is not uncommon after two dates. If he is being honest, he will not contact you. If that happens, you should move on. 1
MixedUpChick Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 How can a person determine if he or she is the one in a span of two dates? is that even possible? Ive had relationships where chemistry developed after 4-5 dates so isnt two dates too soon to decide? I don't think it's unrealistic that after 2 dates he isn't feeling it. I recently went on 4 dates with someone, after 2 dates I wasn't feeling it but felt like I needed to give it more time to see if I felt differently after a few more dates but unfortunately, I didn't so I told him. I think chemistry is different for everyone but if he's not feeling it, there's no point in you contacting him again. If he did meet someone else & that doesn't work out, he may contact you again but I'd be hesitant to see him again in that situation, anyway.
kaylan Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I saw two dates is enough to know if any chemistry or vibe is there romantically. Its better to know now than to have your time wasted. 3
aussietigerwolf Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 most likely he just wanted sex (even if he said he didn't) and when you didn't give it up he bailed.
kaylan Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 most likely he just wanted sex (even if he said he didn't) and when you didn't give it up he bailed. :confused: Where did this guy try to have sex with her? Maybe I missed what you apparently read. 1
organizedchaos Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I don't think it's unrealistic that after 2 dates he isn't feeling it. I recently went on 4 dates with someone, after 2 dates I wasn't feeling it but felt like I needed to give it more time to see if I felt differently after a few more dates but unfortunately, I didn't so I told him. I think chemistry is different for everyone but if he's not feeling it, there's no point in you contacting him again. If he did meet someone else & that doesn't work out, he may contact you again but I'd be hesitant to see him again in that situation, anyway. It does seem unrealistic given his actions outside of those dates. If it was just two dates and nothing else, then it would make more sense. But to bail after all the calls and effort he put in. Doesn't make sense not to give it more time.
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 He's probably found somebody else. This.... That's how it works usually these days with dating...lots of multi-dating. But I think a decisive person can know relatively quickly if something is going somewhere or not. As everyone has said, moved on :-)
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) Look, some people know right away if they are really into someone. My friend met her boyfriend at a club. He normally went to clubs to pick up girls for casual sex. From the first time they met, they had electric chemistry, and he really loved chatting to her that night. He was INSTANTLY smitten from just one encounter with her. He instantly lost interest in the other attractive conquests and wanted to be with her. He fell in love within 2 weeks of hanging out with her. He has had long term R's and knows what falling in love is. Personally, I don't want a guy who is lukewarm about me, and still dates others once he meets me (if he has options). I don't want a guy who is so "casual" about me, and who is not all that into me, yet gives me a chance because he thinks I am nice and he is attracted enough to me to want sex from me. And then, over time, he grows to love me after 6 months to a year. OP, do you want a guy who only has eyes for you from date one, or do you want a guy who could take you or leave you? Edited January 8, 2014 by Leigh 87
spiderowl Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 At a guess, I would think he liked you a lot and then happened to meet someone else at the last minute and has changed his mind about how keen he is. So yes, in a way, he has led you on, but at least he didn't tell you there was no chemistry after having sex with you. It is possible he will change his mind, but unlikely. I'd think your best bet is to become unavailable to him. If he thinks you are hanging around waiting for him, he won't need to re-evaluate his feelings. If you accept what he says and move on, then he will have to. Regardless, if he does not feel chemistry at this point, he's unlikely to suddenly develop it quickly, especially if he thinks you are waiting for this to happen. I'd move on and find someone who is not remotely half-hearted. Attraction is very unpredictable and some guy is going to be delighted that you are free. 2
organizedchaos Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Look, some people know right away if they are really into someone. My friend met her boyfriend at a club. He normally went to clubs to pick up girls for casual sex. From the first time they met, they had electric chemistry, and he really loved chatting to her that night. He was INSTANTLY smitten from just one encounter with her. He instantly lost interest in the other attractive conquests and wanted to be with her. He fell in love within 2 weeks of hanging out with her. He has had long term R's and knows what falling in love is. Personally, I don't want a guy who is lukewarm about me, and still dates others once he meets me (if he has options). I don't want a guy who is so "casual" about me, and who is not all that into me, yet gives me a chance because he thinks I am nice and he is attracted enough to me to want sex from me. And then, over time, he grows to love me after 6 months to a year. OP, do you want a guy who only has eyes for you from date one, or do you want a guy who could take you or leave you? You can't expect a man to go all in with you at the beginning. It just doesn't work that way. He can't get that invested in someone before knowing if she feels the same way and more importantly, to see if he likes you enough or you like him enough, to keep going. it is unrealistic to expect otherwise and is a recipe for disappointment. This thread is an example of investing too early in one person. 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 You can't expect a man to go all in with you at the beginning. It just doesn't work that way. He can't get that invested in someone before knowing if she feels the same way and more importantly, to see if he likes you enough or you like him enough, to keep going. it is unrealistic to expect otherwise and is a recipe for disappointment. This thread is an example of investing too early in one person. You can be really into someone you go on a first date with and want to focus on just them and see how it goes, WITHOUT investing much. Having strong chemistry and having a high interest in a person doesn't mean you need to recklessly invest in them from day ONE. You can still meet someone, feel strong chemistry and have a great feeling about them, and yet still be cautious; WITHOUT having to date around and explore your options further until you ascertain whether the current ONE girl you fancy works out (or not) Some people meet a person on date one and think "wow, I am really into this person, I am so excited about the idea of seeing them again, I am too focused on seeing where things could go with THEM before dating others" If I meet a guy on date one, sometimes I don't have enough chemistry to kiss them. I don't get excited about going on another date. SO you're saying it is best to keep dating them and others, to see "how things go?" What about holding out and finding a person where you have enough romantic and sexual chemistry to actually WANT to kiss them on the first date? What if you can actually get EXCITED about seeing them for date two? What happened to meeting a person who you are really into, and then trying to date others, only to realise " hey, no one else compares to THEM" What the hell is WITH all these couples who are SO lukewarm about each other and have to spend a lot of time growing fond of each other? I mean really? If I have a date with a guy, that is enough to know if: - my heart races when they text or call me - THEY are the ones you most want to get a text from above everyone else you know socially - I am super excited about the thought of kissing and being closer to them - other guys I "date" would not get me excited about them and I would not want to hear from them anywhere NEAR as much as I want to hear from the guy I ACTUALLY LIKE and have goo chemistry with If I have a date with a guy, I also know if: - I could not care less if they called or texted me again - I enjoyed their company but could take or leave them - I am lukewarm about them - I don't feel like getting physical with them and it would probably take weeks or months for me to actually WANT to be more intimate with them -I don't want to kiss them on the first few dates. WHY go with THAT ^^, a guy I am lukewarm about and am not even excited about dating again, when I could meet a guy I WANT to kiss at he end of the first date and who I am EXCITED about dating? NOT EVERYONE needs "time" to warm up to the idea of dating someone:sick: MANY couples are really into each other from date one!
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) What the hell is WITH all these couples who are SO lukewarm about each other and have to spend a lot of time growing fond of each other? I mean really? If I have a date with a guy, that is enough to know if: - my heart races when they text or call me - THEY are the ones you most want to get a text from above everyone else you know socially - I am super excited about the thought of kissing and being closer to them - other guys I "date" would not get me excited about them and I would not want to hear from them anywhere NEAR as much as I want to hear from the guy I ACTUALLY LIKE and have goo chemistry with If I have a date with a guy, I also know if: - I could not care less if they called or texted me again - I enjoyed their company but could take or leave them - I am lukewarm about them - I don't feel like getting physical with them and it would probably take weeks or months for me to actually WANT to be more intimate with them -I don't want to kiss them on the first few dates. WHY go with THAT ^^, a guy I am lukewarm about and am not even excited about dating again, when I could meet a guy I WANT to kiss at he end of the first date and who I am EXCITED about dating? NOT EVERYONE needs "time" to warm up to the idea of dating someone:sick: MANY couples are really into each other from date one! Everyone may not need to "warm up" but this is the norm. Everyone isn't necessarily "lukewarm" but they are taking the time to actually get to know people to see if the meat and potatoes are there for something of substance. Sometimes the excitement of a new romance clouds the judgement of whether or not something has potential for longevity. Most people I know, especially the ones with long lasting, stable relationships obviously found their partners interesting and attractive from the start; but that is only a small part of the big picture. People who are emotionally unstable, serial monogamists and that put little thought into things usually put the cart before the horse only to have cookies crumble time after time with very short lived romances. Commitment is a big deal to a lot of people and most want to make well informed decisions based on actually getting to know someone; physically/sexual chemistry is important but it takes more than that for a healthy, long lasting relationship. It takes time to build a solid foundation not built on things that can be fleeting. In my experience, the people that came on super strong in the beginning, without properly knowing me but based on my looks and "attraction" were also the quickest to change their minds, want a break, be fickle, "fall out of love" in a heartbeat; etc. Eventually logic came into the mix and reality set in. I will say if so far you are the exception and not the rule, and if your method has been effective thus far for you then there's no need to change your approach. All of "what you want" can and has come for me personally - the attraction was a given or else I wouldn't go out in the first place but their personality is what made me want to do the rest. Hope this gave you some insight from the other perspective about the different mindsets and approaches to relationships. Edited January 8, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 My bf and I had a great feeling about each other from writing emails. A week or so later we had our first date and we were really smitten. We just really, really seemed to like each other from the first date. We did not have any interest in others, since we were really happy and excited about each other - too much so to... just want to explore other people. My bf told all his friends about me after our date. I saw messages of him saying it was the best date ever. He was uber excited. He asked me to meet all his friends and family after date one - he invited me to his 30th which was planned for 2 weeks after. He is cute and not at all desperate for a relationship. My life is also great single. We both prefer monogamy yet we both do casual when it lends itself to us and we are horny. My good friend also met a guy who was really taken by her on date one. When she texted him back for the first time after ever meeting him (which they met at a club), he screen shot her text and sent it to his mates, with the caption " the best text ever" ( as she took a week to text him since first getting his number) He fell in love with her fast and was very smitten. They are still madly in love - they are best friends who happen to have insane chemistry. Guys like my boyfriend and my friends boyfriend just don't want to date other people once they really click with someone; they want to see where it goes with the one person on their mind. I am not saying that these guys I described came on strong; they were not standing outside our houses playing music and dedicating love songs to us:lmao: They didn't immediately talk marriage and kids or anything totally bizarre to talk about within the first few dates:lmao: WHY oh WHY is it SOOO bizarre to expect or aspire to meeting a person who is really into you from date one, and who does not have to " grow" to feel excited about you?!
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I never know if someone is "the one" or one of the ones after meeting them twice. I do know if they are not the one. That said, now that I am of a certain age, as soon as I know someone won't be marriage material at some point I bail. WHY oh WHY is it SOOO bizarre to expect or aspire to meeting a person who is really into you from date one, and who does not have to " grow" to feel excited about you?! Because that sounds like a romantic comedy plot not real life. IRL the people most likely to be "the one" are people you've met before.
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 People always think I am advocating putting the cart before the horse when it comes to falling for people hard and fast from date one. That is absolutely not what I am about, nor what I recommend. I am saying to NOT invest too much too soon, but rather hold out for a person who gets your heart racing, who you have chemistry with, and who you are excited to date again. This ^^^ opposed to meeting a person who is physically fine and a nice person to chat with, but who you lack chemistry with and are not excited about. You don't care if they call or text you. You just go with the flow, and reply to them out of politeness, rather than actually caring whether you see them again or not. Where as the type one's make you smile a lot every time they text or call. You want to hear from them. . I have been in two long term R"s before, dated a few douches, and my friend I mentioned above who has a guy who is CRAZY about her has also been in a LTR. Both her and myself know the importance of long term compatibility. We just wanted to find it, a best friend who is a compatible life partner, with a man who we had special chemistry with, who we were excited and elated about meeting, who put a stupid smile on our faces. We wanted guys who were really into us after date one, and didn't "need time" to work out whether or not they liked us. The OP'S guy can take her or leave her. He likes her, but he could not care less about dating her or not. If he did, it would be to "give her a chance to see if he becomes into her over time":sick: I think it is wise to take things slow and to not assume a person is "the one" anytime soon after first laying eyes upon them. In the same token, why not still only date people you really dig and who you are really into from the get go?
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I never know if someone is "the one" or one of the ones after meeting them twice. I do know if they are not the one. That said, now that I am of a certain age, as soon as I know someone won't be marriage material at some point I bail. Because that sounds like a romantic comedy plot not real life. IRL the people most likely to be "the one" are people you've met before. Horse sh*t. So it is a fairytale fantasy to expect to be really into a person from the first date? Do most people just go "meh" after the date, and continue seeing people they are lukewarm about, yet enjoy talking to? Plenty of guys feel something special about a girl from date one; THAT DOES NOT mean they think she is "the one", LOL. I made no mention of knowing if someone is THE ONE within two dates; I said, you sure know if someone IS NOT the one.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Horse sh*t. So it is a fairytale fantasy to expect to be really into a person from the first date? Do most people just go "meh" after the date, and continue seeing people they are lukewarm about, yet enjoy talking to? Plenty of guys feel something special about a girl from date one; THAT DOES NOT mean they think she is "the one", LOL. I made no mention of knowing if someone is THE ONE within two dates; I said, you sure know if someone IS NOT the one. Oh that feeling exist, its called limerance, or infatuation. Early on relationships are hot and heavy and you feel like the other person can do no wrong. Then after a time you come out of it. The "chemistry" dies and you think it's not love. What you describe has been studied and written about. It has even been called an addiction.
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Oh that feeling exist, its called limerance, or infatuation. Early on relationships are hot and heavy and you feel like the other person can do no wrong. Then after a time you come out of it. The "chemistry" dies and you think it's not love. What you describe has been studied and written about. It has even been called an addiction. Wrong again. I think my bf can do wrong, and he thinks I am fallible also. We have high sexual chemistry but I am not sure that we are addicted or anything, we just really liked each other from date one. How is being really into a person on date one a bad thing that is not likely to last? Why are the people you are lukewarm about, lack chemistry with and don't want to kiss on date one or even date 4, any MORE likely to last long term, than those people who we are really into and actually want to kiss on date one? I really liked my bf. He really seemed to like me. We had a high ish level of natural sexual chemistry. I also think the way he talks about things makes him sound like a bit of a tight arse at times, and he suggested leaving once when I told him I had just vomited. He is not infallible and I do not have the rose tinted glasses on. I am still really into him though and I got a high from him from date one. We were both super excited from date one. I am not sure that this is super hot and heavy, the way that is ascribed to the relationships that are most likely to crash and burn.....
jinandjuice Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Wrong again. I think my bf can do wrong, and he thinks I am fallible also. We have high sexual chemistry but I am not sure that we are addicted or anything, we just really liked each other from date one. How is being really into a person on date one a bad thing that is not likely to last? Why are the people you are lukewarm about, lack chemistry with and don't want to kiss on date one or even date 4, any MORE likely to last long term, than those people who we are really into and actually want to kiss on date one? I really liked my bf. He really seemed to like me. We had a high ish level of natural sexual chemistry. I also think the way he talks about things makes him sound like a bit of a tight arse at times, and he suggested leaving once when I told him I had just vomited. He is not infallible and I do not have the rose tinted glasses on. I am still really into him though and I got a high from him from date one. We were both super excited from date one. I am not sure that this is super hot and heavy, the way that is ascribed to the relationships that are most likely to crash and burn..... how about if one persons heart is racing and the other person is meh lukewarm. should the heart racer keep pursuing? and what defines good chemistry? i think i have excellent chemistry with the girl I am seeing but it could be one way ya know?
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 how about if one persons heart is racing and the other person is meh lukewarm. should the heart racer keep pursuing? and what defines good chemistry? i think i have excellent chemistry with the girl I am seeing but it could be one way ya know? I think mutual chemistry is a useful glue that HELPS holds relationships together long term. However, a lot of people who are "meh" do come around to guys that are crazy about them. I personally haven't. The recent guy who .... fell head over heels in love with me, I TRIED over a month spending a lot of time with him, but I never felt chemistry with him that made me want to kiss him. I was meh about him as a romantic prospect but he was a really cool person who I really liked and had a lot of money. I loved being around him. I could have over MONTHS grown to be in love with him in the way I fell in love with my boyfriend within mere WEEKS, not even a month did it take for me to fall in love with my current. There are several posters on here who fell in love fast with a partner who MUTUALLY felt high chemistry with.
jinandjuice Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I think mutual chemistry is a useful glue that HELPS holds relationships together long term. However, a lot of people who are "meh" do come around to guys that are crazy about them. I personally haven't. The recent guy who .... fell head over heels in love with me, I TRIED over a month spending a lot of time with him, but I never felt chemistry with him that made me want to kiss him. I was meh about him as a romantic prospect but he was a really cool person who I really liked and had a lot of money. I loved being around him. I could have over MONTHS grown to be in love with him in the way I fell in love with my boyfriend within mere WEEKS, not even a month did it take for me to fall in love with my current. There are several posters on here who fell in love fast with a partner who MUTUALLY felt high chemistry with. bc i am head over heels /w this girl but not sure she is into me as much as i am into her. we have made out numerous times though, no sex. your story of instant attraction just makes it seems like I am wasting my time b/c i like her more than just the physical .
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 bc i am head over heels /w this girl but not sure she is into me as much as i am into her. we have made out numerous times though, no sex. your story of instant attraction just makes it seems like I am wasting my time b/c i like her more than just the physical . It is adorable the way you feel about this girl. Just know that it is not always reciprocated. I am speaking of when the way you are feeling is reciprocated. The OP had a guy who was pretty indifferent about seeing her again. Where as you met a girl you really liked and who you really felt happy and excited about and who you STILL reallllly want to move things along with.
jinandjuice Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 It is adorable the way you feel about this girl. Just know that it is not always reciprocated. I am speaking of when the way you are feeling is reciprocated. The OP had a guy who was pretty indifferent about seeing her again. Where as you met a girl you really liked and who you really felt happy and excited about and who you STILL reallllly want to move things along with. any tips on to ingite that? is there anything you can do to make a woman feel it? do girls without any kind of attraction or that "fire" make out with guys they feel luke warm with and keep going on dates?
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