FeelingEmpty83 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Okay, I'll try to keep this short. Back at the beginning of November I moved out of the home I shared with my BF of four years. I made the decision based on a number of factors. He was a single man with no kids before my 2 daughters and I moved in, and as much as he tried (and he honestly TRIED) to accept the kids into his life, I never thought it was good enough. He works afternoons, and I work days. We did not see each other Monday through Thursday, and our weekends were always full of household responsibilities. There was never any time left for us. I had myself convinced that he'd be happier without us there, since we always seemed to irritate him more then anything else. He told me repeatedly he didn't want us to go, but I didn't believe him. His actions didn't match his words. Every picture I took off the wall he replaced immediately with something "new", he painted all the bedrooms a "new" colour within a week. His actions told me he was looking forward to "moving on", he was very composed and seemed more then okay with my decision...and it hurt, a lot. In the beginning things were so different. I was so hopeful. Over the years we both started taking each other for granted. Life got in the way, and we lost each other. Since I have moved out, him and I have definitely had our ups and downs. He FINALLY has convinced me he never wanted us to leave, and explained his actions as his way of coping, knowing that I had made my decision and there was nothing he could do to change it. He was and still is devastated that I took the only "family" he has ever had and walked out the door. As much as he recognizes where we went wrong, he has explained to me that he feels like I totally bailed, and ran away. He explained that I have hurt him more then he ever thought I would, and that there is a major lack of trust now because I bailed. He says he'll always wonder when the next time I bail will be. As for me, I feel the same lack of trust as far as him letting it get to the point that it did, and letting me walk out the door with no fight. I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. And my kids miss him too. I realize I messed up on an epic level. So we both want to try to work things out, but we realize it's going to be a very SLOW process. In the meantime, it's killing me. He's just so supportive in whatever I want to do, and I have a hard time returning that support. I don't want to mess up the second chance that he really doesn't have to give this relationship, and would like to know what I should be doing now? I am horrible at not thinking things through completely, before rushing in. He was always my guide with these things... Thanks in advance for any advice.
Bigcitydreamer Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Sorry you are going through this I'm also going through a breakup right now and I know how hard it is with all the self doubt and wondering if you made a mistake. My ex and I broke up a year ago and I moved out. He did exactly what ur ex did. He made changes immediately and didn't fight for me like I thought he would. I was devastated and thought he would at least do more to stop me from going. Once I was moved out he convinced me to come back. He fed me the same lines as your ex- your mind was made up so I didn't think anything I could do would stop you. So I went back to him and a year later we are breaking up again for the same problems! I don't know but I'm inclined to think that those lines they fed us are bull crap. Their pride is still coming before love for you. I broke up with my ex a few days ago and he is being really passive aggressive. Acting like he doesn't care but is noticeably angry at the same time. I don't know about you but if I feel compelled to walk away due to explicit problems in the relationship that they caused then they should be fighting for you to stay. I think you are just in a bad spot right now with the breakup. I bet if you give it 4 months or so of NC you will see you did the right thing.
Author FeelingEmpty83 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I realize everyone probably has the "but this is different" syndrome, but I do think that! He has a really complicated past that helps me understand why he acts the way he does, and that makes it tougher almost. Empathy is one thing, stupidity is another. This time apart has put a lot of things into perspective for both of us, and I think there is too much potential there to walk away from at this point. NC is not an option at this point. I have wondered if the same problems will repeat themselves, and will be our ultimate demise, but I am hoping what we are going through now, will help prevent that in the future. Thank you for your response, and I'm sorry you are going through what you are too. It hurts.
fixing Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I can say as a male, he painted the walls, got new carpets etc as a thing of pride. He was NOT excited to be single and move on, but more a defensive 'Your just gonna walk out on me, leave me alone without my family, well ill show you how strong i am!' Sounds like you have a lot of potential together, the daughters love him, i can only imagine he loves them too, otherwise the kids would hate him. Sounds like you really need to hire a babysitter once or twice a week, to give you both much needed quality time. Put some fire back into that romance together. More communication between you both is needed to. This whole breakdown could have been avoided with much more communication. Good luck, i wish you the happiest of life together!
Luke12345 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 It sounds like you 2 could actually work, but YOU need to be stronger. I mean no offense lady but the man has put a roof over your head, he's accommodated your 2 daughters, he said don't go but you still did, I've got no idea why you did? the painting, ignore it, its nothing, this guy wants you as much as you want him. You say you struggle to put things into words, tell him you care, your scared, and maybe show him this post because you worded that wonderfully (before you do that last part maybe see what some others think about that idea, I'm not 100% sure on it but I couldn't see it harming things really). You could just say here's how I feel, sorry its a bit unorthodox.
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