Author Kermit76 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Great point Trapito. Not sure. Probably I would have just replied with a simple thanks. I didnt ask a question to start the conversation. I mean i said thanks and told her and she responded. But I know down deeply it means nothing. If I had a transcript of the texting conversation she definitely was making sure she wasn't leading me on. I was moving on so this is a minor set back I will admit. Really thought she was gone. Meaning didnt expect any nice gesture from her. Anyways there is an event we both may be at in a few months. When that time comes I will decide if I want to go. Even if we do become friends it can't be one sided. Meaning I ask her how she is and she asks me. Still no questions coming from her end. And I want no part of that.
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 AT most it means she's a nice person. It does not mean you two are getting back together. If it hurts to only have limited contact with her when you want more, go back to NC. If you are at a point where you want to be friends -- which means you are looking forward to hearing about how wonderful her life is & how great her new BF is -- be friends. I don't think you want that though.
Author Kermit76 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Not ready to see her if she has a new bf at event so that answers that. She did admit to me when we were texting that she was doing life coaching sessions because her life isnt going that great. She was confused what she wanted in life when we were together and still seems she is.
Trapito Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Great point Trapito. Not sure. Probably I would have just replied with a simple thanks. I didnt ask a question to start the conversation. I mean i said thanks and told her and she responded. But I know down deeply it means nothing. If I had a transcript of the texting conversation she definitely was making sure she wasn't leading me on. I was moving on so this is a minor set back I will admit. Really thought she was gone. Meaning didnt expect any nice gesture from her. Anyways there is an event we both may be at in a few months. When that time comes I will decide if I want to go. Even if we do become friends it can't be one sided. Meaning I ask her how she is and she asks me. Still no questions coming from her end. And I want no part of that. I'm sorry, she just wanted to be nice. Like you said, she didn't ask you any questions.. Your awnser is right there.. It's hard, I know. Just hang in there. Edited January 10, 2014 by Trapito
Author Kermit76 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I agree. Will only respond in the future with questions directed towards me. How are you? How is work? We seem like business associates now. Or strangers still.
pickflicker Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I agree. Will only respond in the future with questions directed towards me. How are you? How is work? We seem like business associates now. Or strangers still. How about not responding at all? 2
Trapito Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 How about not responding at all? I agree. You owe her nothing, no awnsers, no nothing. She is your past. 2
Kalinka1 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I don't know, guys, reading this forum sometimes it seems to me like you are being a bit harsh on the dumpers (even though I am a dumpee). Yes, I agree there is no point in getting your hopes up when someone's just trying to be nice. But I do think that the way to reconciliation is through establishing a friendship first... which makes NC counterproductive. Maybe it is just because I had a nice day today with my ex, talking to him for an hour and exchanging 22 emails afterwards. I know I have hope... but then again I am not that heartbroken over him either, it hurts but I prefer to have him in my life than not. Maybe I am just immature? I don't know. Anyway, I like the fact that we are civil and can have a laugh together, and what will be will be. But I admit that I am forcing myself to imagine him with someone else just in case... yeah, I might be delusional.
Author Kermit76 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Ha ha Simon. Nice. Definitely will hit you up if I find myself in the same situation down the road. At this moment to be honest if she hit me up tonight could I ignore. Probably not. Months from now when its been months of NC, hopefully I'm back in the dating scene maybe so. For my own good let's hope so. Guess when we broke up with me and she wanted to stay in touch im granting her wish. Sigh.
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I don't know, guys, reading this forum sometimes it seems to me like you are being a bit harsh on the dumpers (even though I am a dumpee). Yes, I agree there is no point in getting your hopes up when someone's just trying to be nice. But I do think that the way to reconciliation is through establishing a friendship first... which makes NC counterproductive. Maybe it is just because I had a nice day today with my ex, talking to him for an hour and exchanging 22 emails afterwards. I know I have hope... but then again I am not that heartbroken over him either, it hurts but I prefer to have him in my life than not. Maybe I am just immature? I don't know. Anyway, I like the fact that we are civil and can have a laugh together, and what will be will be. But I admit that I am forcing myself to imagine him with someone else just in case... yeah, I might be delusional. No, NC is not counterproductive. Bring "friends" with your ex will not being them back. It's an anchor around your waist. There's plenty of friends out their. Leave exes where they belong, in the past. 2
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Ha ha Simon. Nice. Definitely will hit you up if I find myself in the same situation down the road. At this moment to be honest if she hit me up tonight could I ignore. Probably not. Months from now when its been months of NC, hopefully I'm back in the dating scene maybe so. For my own good let's hope so. Guess when we broke up with me and she wanted to stay in touch im granting her wish. Sigh. How do you get to months of NC if you're not practicing it? Stop projecting the responsibility of your healing onto her. It's up to you.
Kalinka1 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Pickflicker, I get your point. But then I am thinking: if I found someone worthy enough to be with me and develop strong emotions for them, why would I want to throw this person away just because we did not work out romantically? I don't know, maybe it is because I don't have too many friends, but I like to have people I value around me, even if being too close to them just caused too much conflict. But as friends we are perfect together.
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 No, NC is not counterproductive. Bring "friends" with your ex will not being them back. It's an anchor around your waist. There's plenty of friends out their. Leave exes where they belong, in the past. Ugh, apologies for spelling.
Author Kermit76 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Thanks Kalinka. You made a good point. Like I said that were even communicating is a surprise to me. Don't think it will progress but in her e card she said let it be a new year with infinite possibilities so you never know. When we broke up she also said she hopes no door is never closed. Has it been breadcrumbs yes. But for a girl who I know doesn't keep in contact with her ex boyfriends and who doesn't respond to text messages when she doesn't care may be enough for me now. I was sad weeks ago that I meant nothing because of no contact and now she made contact I have to take it for it is.
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Pickflicker, I get your point. But then I am thinking: if I found someone worthy enough to be with me and develop strong emotions for them, why would I want to throw this person away just because we did not work out romantically? I don't know, maybe it is because I don't have too many friends, but I like to have people I value around me, even if being too close to them just caused too much conflict. But as friends we are perfect together. Because making friends is that easy. It truly is. There's always more where that came from.
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Thanks Kalinka. You made a good point. Like I said that were even communicating is a surprise to me. Don't think it will progress but in her e card she said let it be a new year with infinite possibilities so you never know. When we broke up she also said she hopes no door is never closed. Has it been breadcrumbs yes. But for a girl who I know doesn't keep in contact with her ex boyfriends and who doesn't respond to text messages when she doesn't care may be enough for me now. I was sad weeks ago that I meant nothing because of no contact and now she made contact I have to take it for it is. Maybe she didn't keep in contact with her other exes because they ignored her lame attempts at contact for what they were, and you simply don't have the strength that they do.
Author Kermit76 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Pickflicker, Not defending her or making assumptions of what she is thinking. I will defend my strength though. For someone who was dumped pretty much of the blue, and who has remained in no NC from the moment it happened, with no pleading and begging I would say shows some signs of strength. Maybe it was her other ex's who made the break up crazy. That in my opinion shows lack of strength. I have been nothing but mature. Even dropped off her stuff at her friend's after it happened.
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Pickflicker, Not defending her or making assumptions of what she is thinking. I will defend my strength though. For someone who was dumped pretty much of the blue, and who has remained in no NC from the moment it happened, with no pleading and begging I would say shows some signs of strength. Maybe it was her other ex's who made the break up crazy. That in my opinion shows lack of strength. I have been nothing but mature. Even dropped off her stuff at her friend's after it happened. You obviously want het back. And keeping in contact is keeping you in pain. It's like slamming your fingers in a car door over and over again. Why do it if it hurts so much?
Author Kermit76 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Guess I'm too optimistic. But with time I see the true picture. It's only been 4 months since BU. So, I'm sure in a few more months I will get it. Ha ha....
Simon Phoenix Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I don't know, guys, reading this forum sometimes it seems to me like you are being a bit harsh on the dumpers (even though I am a dumpee). Yes, I agree there is no point in getting your hopes up when someone's just trying to be nice. But I do think that the way to reconciliation is through establishing a friendship first... which makes NC counterproductive. Maybe it is just because I had a nice day today with my ex, talking to him for an hour and exchanging 22 emails afterwards. I know I have hope... but then again I am not that heartbroken over him either, it hurts but I prefer to have him in my life than not. Maybe I am just immature? I don't know. Anyway, I like the fact that we are civil and can have a laugh together, and what will be will be. But I admit that I am forcing myself to imagine him with someone else just in case... yeah, I might be delusional. I wouldn't say immature, just extremely naive. Dumpers aren't bad people and they aren't trying to f*ck with your mind necessarily when they contact you. But contact with dumpers f*cks with dumpees mentally quite a bit because they aren't ready to bury their romantic feelings for platonic ones. I mean, the OP has started two separate threads on a conversation, that while long, didn't have much in the way of depth to it. NC is primarily for moving on, but it's also to prevent the dumpee from harming themselves in the aftermath of a breakup. And "being friends" with them is not the way to their heart -- it's the way to a platonic friendship. If that's what you want, then awesome, but I'm pretty sure you don't want that. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Ha ha Simon. Nice. Definitely will hit you up if I find myself in the same situation down the road. At this moment to be honest if she hit me up tonight could I ignore. Probably not. Months from now when its been months of NC, hopefully I'm back in the dating scene maybe so. For my own good let's hope so. Guess when we broke up with me and she wanted to stay in touch im granting her wish. Sigh. Yep, you're an easy mark right now. She knows you can't say no and that you are there when she wants you. If your goal is to rebuild attraction, that's the absolute worst approach you can have. I'll give you another example. A few weeks back I texted a girl I hooked up with a few months prior because I was bored and just wanted to see if she'd respond. She did quickly, we talked a bit, then I just stopped talking because I lost interest. After that I realized I just pulled a dumper (we weren't going out, we just stopped talking to each other) and that it was kind of a d*ck move by me. I wasn't planning on doing that, it was just human nature -- I realized subconsciously that she was still there and lost interest in engaging with her. That may be what is happening to you. 2
Kalinka1 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I wouldn't say immature, just extremely naive. Dumpers aren't bad people and they aren't trying to f*ck with your mind necessarily when they contact you. But contact with dumpers f*cks with dumpees mentally quite a bit because they aren't ready to bury their romantic feelings for platonic ones. I mean, the OP has started two separate threads on a conversation, that while long, didn't have much in the way of depth to it. NC is primarily for moving on, but it's also to prevent the dumpee from harming themselves in the aftermath of a breakup. And "being friends" with them is not the way to their heart -- it's the way to a platonic friendship. If that's what you want, then awesome, but I'm pretty sure you don't want that. OK, maybe it is just because I am thinking about in in the sense of 'rechanneling' my emotions and I am making an active effort to do so. I really love this selfish prick of a kid that I got involved with and I can't see myself stopping to care about him. I'll help him with whatever he needs, and even if we never end up together again, I am happy to do so. I just don't know... I want to continue feeling about him the way I feel without desiring him. I want to separate the sexual from the emotional and I am really trying hard to do so. I don't think NC would be the answer in my case, because it would just end up leaving so many things unresolved. I just need to work through this slowly. (if I am polluting this thread please tell me).
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Guess I'm too optimistic. But with time I see the true picture. It's only been 4 months since BU. So, I'm sure in a few more months I will get it. Ha ha.... I don't see the funny side of deliberately hurting yourself, but each to their own.
Author Kermit76 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Correct Simon. Being friends would be hard at the moment. But as time passes maybe and I'm in another relationship who knows. BU still feels fresh to me after four months. Obviously, keeping any contact with her is not doing good for me now. Could be because we broke up once before and things worked out for round 2, up until now. But to wear my heart on my sleeve, call me niece whatever, I was hoping with time she would realize what a lost I was or her rash decision to break up with me out of the blue was a mistake. I don't know. Just need to move on and focus on myself for now. Thanks for everyone's advice.
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