Jump to content

I contacted my boyfriend's ex after he told me not to contact her. What will happen?

Toucan_Pecan2

By Toucan_Pecan2
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
His family was getting updates from me about his condition constantly. Then I found out his mother was ringing up his ex to share everything and I felt absolutely used and betrayed. So I rang his ex up directly to tell her about his condition.............I mean I am the one nursing him!!! His ex claimed she didn't seek out anything, they phoned her. I can't be angry with her except that she will no doubt take him in again and I will feel like crap for giving so much. My mother tells me that it will be a blessing if his ex takes him back because it will get him off my case, but I am so angry now. I don't know how to handle my anger.

 

Really check into boundaries and conflict-avoidance. It sounds like his family and his ex are really twisted about what the appropriate places in his life are etc.

 

I hope that you can put this whole mess behind you quickly and move on.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
I don't know his password and some I emailed to him so they would be in his mailbox....

 

Does he get email sent to his phone that you could go on for a minute somehow?

Check the "camera roll" on it too.

  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Um, yes you DO have a right to say "delete my photis please. I dont want then in your possession anymore."

 

Seriously, yes you do.

 

 

I have asked him to and before he said I gave them to him as a present and it's not my right to ask for them back. He then said he would delete them but only when he was about to leave the country. Now I have phoned his ex after he told me not to he might not delete them. She seemed to appreciate my call and thanked me, so really what right has he to complain about me doing that when she explicitly told me that she was happy she had a chance to talk to me.

  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Does he get email sent to his phone that you could go on for a minute somehow?

Check the "camera roll" on it too.

 

He doesn't own a phone (that was yet another problem....) it's just his laptop they're on.

pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

Posted
Posted
He's in hospital at the moment.

 

She told me that:

1) he's young and a man and will take a while to grow up (he's 31; she's 40)

2) He lives like he's in his 20s (he hasn't worked for 6 years and lived rent free with girlfriends over that time)

3) He uses sex to self-medicate himself

4) He is scared of living life

5) He never apologises

6) He is so frugal that if people didn't help him out he's probably waste away and die and that him being so cheap is a form of self-hatred.

7) No-one can help him, he will have to find the answers himself.

 

 

Let me explain myself: He got with me and didn't tell me for a month he was still sleeping with her. He has now told me that when he leaves hospital he will probably stay with her for a couple of months to recover. I phoned her up to pass on this information myself.

 

What do you think he will say to me if he finds out?

 

 

She seemed quite nice to talk to and thanked me for calling her.

 

Why are you dating a man who is still sleeping with his ex? Have some self-respect.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Why are you dating a man who is still sleeping with his ex? Have some self-respect.

 

He concocted a story that I owed him for hurting him in the past, you see I dated him when I was 23 and decided not to pursue a relationship with him. He never forgave me for that. I didn't realize this until after we had got back together... by this point I was attached and he used my feelings to do what he damn well wanted to do, which was continue to sleep with his ex.

pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

Posted
Posted
He concocted a story that I owed him for hurting him in the past, you see I dated him when I was 23 and decided not to pursue a relationship with him. He never forgave me for that. I didn't realize this until after we had got back together... by this point I was attached and he used my feelings to do what he damn well wanted to do, which was continue to sleep with his ex.

 

And?

 

What are YOU going to to about it?

  • Like 1
  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
And?

 

What are YOU going to to about it?

 

I don't know whether to cut my losses and let him keep the videos and ignore him completely from now until when he catches his flight, or be civil and ask him to delete the photos....

pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

Posted
Posted
I don't know whether to cut my losses and let him keep the videos and ignore him completely from now until when he catches his flight, or be civil and ask him to delete the photos....

 

Ignore him.

  • Like 2
Elias33 Established Member

Elias33

Posted
Posted

Walk.

Away.

Now.

  • Like 2
nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
Posted

WOW. This story is literally unbelievable!! I wouldn't even know where to start but if I didn't witness situations in the likeness of this in real life, I'd of thought someone bored is making up a novel.

 

Ditch. This. Loser. I don't want to stress trite and over-emphasized aforementioned points. Wow. I hope your self-esteem improves because it appears you have very very very very low standards.

  • Like 3
FitChick Established Member

FitChick

Posted
Posted

I'm confused. Where are you? In the US or UK? Are you flying back and forth? If you don't even live in the same country, forget him. He can't afford a long distance relationship.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I want to stress to everyone that on the surface he appears shy, anxious and very polite. He is a very tactile guy who gives massages, foot rubs, hugs and attends to every physical need.... he fails however on many of the points his ex mentioned:

 

1) he's young and a man and will take a while to grow up (he's 31; she's 40)

2) He lives like he's in his 20s (he hasn't worked for 6 years and lived rent free with girlfriends over that time)

3) He uses sex to self-medicate himself (for anxiety)

4) He is scared of living life

5) He never apologises

6) He is so frugal that if people didn't help him out he's probably waste away and die and that him being so cheap is a form of self-hatred.

7) No-one can help him, he will have to find the answers himself

8) He has the tendency to be dramatic

 

What I really cannot stand is a cheap man. Even when he left hospital for the first time, he told me he wanted to take 1 bus instead of 2 (to save money) which meant I was forced (emotionally blackmailed) to go along with his plan ('I've been in the hospital for 2 weeks can't you do this one thing for me?').

 

The thing is, it wasn't one thing I did. I visited the hospital for up to 6 hours daily and helped him to recover. I held his poop in a bowl, I moved cups closer to him if he needed them, I helped him wash his hair, I helped his clean his hands with hand sanitizer, I ran to the nurses to make sure they would put a new IV drip in when he was dehydrated. In addition, I phoned his mother regularly to update her of the situation with her son, heck I even sent her a Christmas card when he told me not to as 'it wasn't him to do that type of thing'. He refused to allow me to give the nurse a card and then later granted me permission to do it.

 

His family is so entirely dysfunctional - his mother wants to date a guy her age who hit on his 20 something year old sister (she told him she's lonely and maybe he's lonely too), one of his sister's developed psychosis after possibly being sexually abused by his brother's girlfriend's dad, he has severe anxiety which he blames me and any other women in his life for... Actually he blames his friends on his teenage years for betraying him too ("My life has been a series of betrayals").

 

He claims I broke him (when I was 23 and decided not to marry him but instead pursue my education) and the other women finished him off, for instance his last ex gf by cheating on him by cyber-sexing with her ex... although quite frankly I'm not surprised that happened because he entered the relationship telling her he didn't love her and thought she would be a resting place for him after I broke him.

 

He tells me that he's '****ed up his life' and that he wasted his life pining for me... When I phoned his ex the other day and told her that he was angry with me for not sending him overly emotional emails back to him years ago WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER, she just remarked - 'oh he's prone to being dramatic'. I felt like saying.. WOMAN he was trying to contact me to get back together with me when you were together and claimed my polite replies weren't enough for him and blames me for that. That is not being dramatic, that is setting up a ridiculous sense of entitlement.

 

When I first knew this guy he was very much into poetry. I romanticized him to the hilt. I thought he was brave and had a strong sense of self and calmness - but really now I see signs of narcissism and a grandiose sense of self (e.g., "I often don't want to talk to anyone as my thoughts are more interesting than what they have to say"). It must really hurt him to carry a sense that he is better than everyone else (even if this is sub-conscious now) and for him not to have any socially recognized achievements.

 

You know what he did for 5 years whilst he lived for free with his ex? He read for hours on end. She allowed him this because when she was younger she was ushered into finding a career and she had wanted to be a writer and in giving him all this time, she hoped he would develop himself and write. Did he write much....? NO! Did he fall further and further into anxiety and develop suicidal thoughts? YES! and did his girlfriend... a therapist for Christ's sake encourage him to go out and get a job and pay half the rent and fall back into society? NO!

 

Instead she enabled him to become the miserable man he is today.... and on the phone yesterday she LAUGHED and told me "Oh he's man and he's young.... they take a while to grow up". He has been enabled by us all feeling sorry for him and that is why he is incredibly stuck.

 

When I ask him about going back to work, he replies like it is an existential question...."Work is not the answer"... Who claimed it was the answer to ecstasy and fulfillment? No-one! but relying on someone else to pay your rent and claim you are totally independent and living on your past earnings is a joke. Work is the answer to being independent and that is the answer to knowing whether to stay for 5 years in a relationship largely because accommodation is free.

Edited by Toucan_Pecan2
aussietigerwolf Established Member

aussietigerwolf

Posted
Posted

you have 2 choices... either continue to be horribly used by this absolute waste of evolution or walk away and never contact him again.

  • Like 4
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

You're young and he is very manipulative.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself but get away from him before he causes any more damage to you or your self-worth.

 

Tell him to eff off and that you' ve had enough of being used and helping him crap in bowls to string you along if you feel like.

 

And dont let him tell you that he didnt use and manipulate you.

I'm 31 and cant imagine messing with someone's head like that. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing and he will hit every one of your buttons (including the videos) on his way out the door.

 

Seriously, if a man does not show honour, respect and integrity: ditch him.

 

You are young/not married. Do not go one step further with this selfish imbecile even if he becomes mr. Perfect and apologetic tomorrow morning.

 

Make him your past not your future.

ascendotum Established Member

ascendotum

Posted
Posted
I want to stress to everyone that....

 

See girls, your boyfriend ain't so bad now. :laugh:

  • Like 2
Conners Established Member

Conners

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry to say this..

BUT

get some self respect!

 

He's your "boyfriend" & he said he's still going to continue to see her and stay with her. Sounds like an effed up situation! :confused:

almond Established Member

almond

Posted
Posted

I strongly suggest some counseling for you to help identify the root problems that allow you to enter and stay in such damaging relationships.

 

You're worth more than this. Get rid of him immediately, and start seriously working on yourself.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I strongly suggest some counseling for you to help identify the root problems that allow you to enter and stay in such damaging relationships.

 

You're worth more than this. Get rid of him immediately, and start seriously working on yourself.

 

In a way... I would go for therapy... but his ex-gf IS A THERAPIST. I'm bit dubious because of this.

Keke1 Established Member

Keke1

Posted
Posted

Sex to self medicate lol. This dude living THE LIFE lol. Selling **** and people keep buying it. The mind control is amazing

  • Like 2
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted

Since you said your face isn't visible in the pics, I would just write it off and walk away. Even if he does something with them, you are better off than staying with him for even another day.

  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sex to self medicate lol. This dude living THE LIFE lol. Selling **** and people keep buying it. The mind control is amazing

 

He claims he cares for her and "she is my friend" and she is absolutely accepting and tries to explain his behaviour. He told me she has boundary issues that's why she had cyber sex with her ex for 2 years when they were together. His ex seems perfectly nice, but surely an absolutely **** therapist... I mean "men take longer to grow up.... he's young" to describe a 31 year old man!

  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Since you said your face isn't visible in the pics, I would just write it off and walk away. Even if he does something with them, you are better off than staying with him for even another day.

 

I haven't visited him at the hospital for 3 days. I am protecting my dignity after feeling betrayed and also I fear his response to my calling his ex. I have no idea when he will be released.

  • Author
Toucan_Pecan2 Member

Toucan_Pecan2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Who gives a rat's ass what he and this woman are doing to or with each other.

 

What is it doing for YOU? Nothing. 'Nuff said. Why are you allowing this in your life?

 

I feel terribly used, isolated from friends and really low. I suppose the thought of him ping ponging back to his 2nd mother feels degrading. I'm not sure how to get over this feeling. My mother says it's a blessing if she takes him off my hands.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...