cbmar Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Hi All, So my girlfriend of about a year just broke up with me because she was confused and said she needed to find herself. I'm 29, she 28 and have both been in some previous relationships that ended bad, but everything seemed perfect in this one. Rarely had arguments about anything, and shared a lot of common interests. This all happened sooo quickly. I thought I was going to spend my life with her, and she thought the same about me, and then a couple of days ago she got very confused about us and said she needed to take some time to think. I gave her that time, and today she came and broke up with me. She claimed to still care for me deeply and had no doubts that our love was real, but that she needed time to herself. She said there is no other guy involved and I believe her. I don't understand how someones feelings can change so drastically, so quickly? I'm not blind and I know there are things I probably took for granted throughout our relationship, but nothing big. So I probably didn't react as well as I should have during the breakup, but I am so hurt and find this extremely challenging. Have people experienced this before when things were going great, but all of a sudden like a flick of a switch its over? Does it ever work out that he/she changes there mind again and comes back to you? I am so hurt by this all, and I just want to believe that there is still a chance. Please Help!!
pickflicker Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 If she wants to find herself, then let her. Disappear. Go live your life. Don't wait for her. 9
Zahara Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I don't think the shift in feelings happens drastically. I think it's a gradual shift that they feel and most times takes months before they finally decide they don't feel the same way anymore. I don't think anyone can predict if she will be back. The only thing you can do is give her what she's asked for. You need to move and accept that it is over. I know it's painful to accept and it feels like you just got hit out of nowhere. 2
jphcbpa Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Just happened to me on Dec 22nd. They day before we were having Christmas with her family out of town. The next morning I get, "I am unsure about the future, need to work on this on my own (she admitted to getting scared and pulling away when things are good, when we get close..she is not able to truly let someone in..avoidant type). You have to proceed as if she has been thinking about this for weeks and probably been checked out. She is weeks ahead on you in regards to the shock and denial. You need to proceed as if you will never see her again. Once the words came out of her mouth, it is over. There is no reason to beg or try to change her mind. Best to go NC and work on you. That is all you can do. Assume she is not coming back. Why would you want to build love with someone who is unsure about you and the future? Best to leave them alone, give it space. Contacting is only going to push them away, imo. Time to write her a letter, but DO NOT send it to her. Read it to close friend you trust and then burn it. 1
jphcbpa Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 It is like they died in an accident. Mourn it, feel it. 2
pickflicker Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I don't think the shift in feelings happens drastically. I think it's a gradual shift that they feel and most times takes months before they finally decide they don't feel the same way anymore. I don't think anyone can predict if she will be back. The only thing you can do is give her what she's asked for. You need to move and accept that it is over. I know it's painful to accept and it feels like you just got hit out of nowhere. Yep. She probably considered this for at least a few weeks before pulling the plug. 1
Author cbmar Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks everyone. All good advice, I'm just hurting soo badly right now that I want to believe that her mind can change back as quickly as it changed in the first place. I know its not right, but I put all my eggs in one basket with her...I just feel so empty without her.
jphcbpa Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks everyone. All good advice, I'm just hurting soo badly right now that I want to believe that her mind can change back as quickly as it changed in the first place. I know its not right, but I put all my eggs in one basket with her...I just feel so empty without her. This is natural to feel this way. You served her--you truly did--and we love those we serve. And miss them terribly when they are gone--and so abruptly. Feel it. Lean into it. It will grow you. Start a journal, write a letter (do not send it), be around people, set some new goals, go to the gym/run, pray/meditate, ect... deleted her phone number or change her name in your phone to "need to find myself" , all text messages, all photos and emails on phone, box up things at your place...have a friend help you. I think it's very important to cut off any possibility of contact right away. Regardless of your eventual intentions, to try and get back together or not, you shouldn't be contacting an ex shortly after a breakup. You have to handle the first few emotional waves (shock, sadness, anger, acceptance) privately, or at least without contacting her. I learned this from past breakups when I went the other route, and stayed in contact. It's just pointless and worse, unhealthy. Embrace the clean break, it's the first and most important step. 2
Chi townD Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Hi All, I gave her that time, and today she came and broke up with me. She claimed to still care for me deeply and had no doubts that our love was real, but that she needed time to herself. She said there is no other guy involved and I believe her. I don't understand how someones feelings can change so drastically, so quickly? I'm not blind and I know there are things I probably took for granted throughout our relationship, but nothing big. So I probably didn't react as well as I should have during the breakup, but I am so hurt and find this extremely challenging. Have people experienced this before when things were going great, but all of a sudden like a flick of a switch its over? Does it ever work out that he/she changes there mind again and comes back to you? I am so hurt by this all, and I just want to believe that there is still a chance. Please Help!! Man, I hate when a girl uses, "I need to find myself". It's just stupid. Dude, Sorry to burst your bubble but , there is another dude. If she hasn't cheated on you yet, then there's another dude that she's definitely interested in. So, she TECHNICALLY isn't lying about having another dude RIGHT NOW, but dollars to donuts this other dude is starting to show interest in her. Enough so that she's willing to kick you to the curb to explore this other dude. I'll bet you anything that you'll find out that she went on a date within two weeks of breaking up with you. I hope I'm wrong, but this is earmarking as textbook behavior. 3
Author cbmar Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks but I'm very confident that there is not another guy involved. Outside of work we spent just about all our time together, which is probably making this hurt soo much. I really believe that she is having some sort of personal issues....she believes that she lost touch with the things that she loves to do and stopped taking care of herself when we began dating, and was just so caught up in being swept off her feet by me that she didn't care. I know for a fact that she has an appointment with a therapist in a couple days to discuss her issues. I have never worried about there being another guy and I still don't despite her recent behavior.
polynomial Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks but I'm very confident that there is not another guy involved. Outside of work we spent just about all our time together, which is probably making this hurt soo much. I really believe that she is having some sort of personal issues....she believes that she lost touch with the things that she loves to do and stopped taking care of herself when we began dating, and was just so caught up in being swept off her feet by me that she didn't care. I know for a fact that she has an appointment with a therapist in a couple days to discuss her issues. I have never worried about there being another guy and I still don't despite her recent behavior. So give her the time BUT don't sit around and wait for her because she might not come back. best thing to do is to try and move on and see what happens. 2
Zahara Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks but I'm very confident that there is not another guy involved. Outside of work we spent just about all our time together, which is probably making this hurt soo much. I really believe that she is having some sort of personal issues....she believes that she lost touch with the things that she loves to do and stopped taking care of herself when we began dating, and was just so caught up in being swept off her feet by me that she didn't care. I know for a fact that she has an appointment with a therapist in a couple days to discuss her issues. I have never worried about there being another guy and I still don't despite her recent behavior. I don't know, cbmar. I have a sense that there could be someone else as well. Married people that live together find time to cheat so I wouldn't be so gullible to put that possibility aside. In any case, it's going to hurt. You've lost a loved one. It's going to take time to get over this. Everything you are feeling is natural. Doesn't help much but if there is one thing that's certain is that you will eventually get over this in time.
eotdevice Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 jph is Dead on with their comments. Let her go and don't contact her. I had the love of my life do the same. Dated for two years, got overwhelmed and went NC on me but didn't break up. A month later she resurfaced, asked for her house key back and wanted to go back to just dating. I tried to work on it for a few more weeks but she was very distant didn't have time for me, etc. I then said to her it doesn't seem she is interested in me any longer as she didn't have time for me so I ended it. She didn't even question it. One thing I always remember her mother saying to me on a different issue months prior; "She always acts before she thinks...." I think it would be more approriate to say she acts before she tell you what she had been thinking......I think you are in the same boat. Let her go.
CelticGibson Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 This is no different from them saying they need a break or what not. The truth is, they usually say stuff like this to keep you as a back up while they go and explore the opportunity with another guy. You are the back up in case it doesn't work out. The only thing you can do is walk away, stop talking to her and move on. Give her exactly what she wants, even if it hurts like crazy to do so. In time you will see that it was the right move to make...
organizedchaos Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Hi All, So my girlfriend of about a year just broke up with me because she was confused and said she needed to find herself. I'm 29, she 28 and have both been in some previous relationships that ended bad, but everything seemed perfect in this one. Rarely had arguments about anything, and shared a lot of common interests. This all happened sooo quickly. I thought I was going to spend my life with her, and she thought the same about me, and then a couple of days ago she got very confused about us and said she needed to take some time to think. I gave her that time, and today she came and broke up with me. She claimed to still care for me deeply and had no doubts that our love was real, but that she needed time to herself. She said there is no other guy involved and I believe her. I don't understand how someones feelings can change so drastically, so quickly? I'm not blind and I know there are things I probably took for granted throughout our relationship, but nothing big. So I probably didn't react as well as I should have during the breakup, but I am so hurt and find this extremely challenging. Have people experienced this before when things were going great, but all of a sudden like a flick of a switch its over? Does it ever work out that he/she changes there mind again and comes back to you? I am so hurt by this all, and I just want to believe that there is still a chance. Please Help!! I got nearly the same speech word for word after almost 3 years together. She's 33 and needs to "grow in to herself some more" her exact words. That was 6 months ago. Been hard NC for 2 months. I don't get it either and I know she didn't leave me for someone else...just the opportunity for someone else is what I think. It's a sign of immaturity. We had a great relationship, very compatible, normal arguments, and I was willing to go all the way. Live and learn. 1
Author cbmar Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks organizedchaos. Sorry to hear you've been going through that too. Sucks doesn't it? Can I ask how you've been dealing with it for six months? Do you still want her back at this point? This is obviously very fresh for me, so I have soo many emotions running around its hard to even keep them straight. Thanks
organizedchaos Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks organizedchaos. Sorry to hear you've been going through that too. Sucks doesn't it? Can I ask how you've been dealing with it for six months? Do you still want her back at this point? This is obviously very fresh for me, so I have soo many emotions running around its hard to even keep them straight. Thanks It was very, very hard for several months. These kinds of break ups are very hard to deal with because it's hard to move on when she wasn't cheating, we weren't arguing. A month prior she took me out of town for the weekend for my birthday! So you try to rationalize it and get answers. And boy did I. I couldn't understand how she could just throw it all away. It hurt bad. I tried LC for a few months, we talked, she said "Let's just see what happens" but nothing did. So I went hard core NC two months ago. Told her not to contact me. She texted me on Thanksgiving and Christmas and that's been it. I still miss her, and I still think back on our relationship. There were a lot of things I am not happy about. She does need to grow up, emotionally. She's also not a very nurturing person. Can be very cold and self centered. Not very giving. So she needs to change, a lot. I'd have to see that, and she'd have to really make a convincing case for me to even consider it. I'm done trying and will not reach out ever again. So it's all on her now. I actually just met someone new right before Christmas anyway. Seeing her again and we really clicked. So I'm excited to see where this may go. Hang in there. I know this isn't easy to process.
fixing Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Thanks but I'm very confident that there is not another guy involved. Outside of work we spent just about all our time together, which is probably making this hurt soo much. I really believe that she is having some sort of personal issues....she believes that she lost touch with the things that she loves to do and stopped taking care of herself when we began dating, and was just so caught up in being swept off her feet by me that she didn't care. I know for a fact that she has an appointment with a therapist in a couple days to discuss her issues. I have never worried about there being another guy and I still don't despite her recent behavior. Seriously, its natural right now that you are in denial, and that you want her back right now. But, you gotta accept the fact that this girl has decided to completely drop you, she no longer wants you. The only things you must do now is show her who's boss by completely cutting contact with her, no texts, no likes on facebook, no nothing! Go and fix up, hit the gym, pubs with mates, enjoy the single life, date even. accept that you are now single. Do not pine for her, do not wait, move forward. She may, possibly start to miss you, but only if you literally move on and be confident and happy. DONT WAIT FOR HER BASICALLY. And for gods sake, dont reply to any petty little texts or calls she might give you. She has broken your heart, if any reconcile is possible in the future, it MUST COME FROM HER END. No contact right now 1
Author cbmar Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 good advice fixing. Its just so damn hard when you are in love with someone and they are a part of your everyday life, and then one day with little warning...there gone. and gone for good. I know i'm pointing out the obvious but maybe typing it out helps to accept this painful truth. Thanks for the advice.
livingnightmare Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Textbook behaviour. Mine said the same then went of banging random strangers like a rabbit knowing the world is nigh immediately after 6 years and we had a child. Move on don't waste years like me, and do not drink, get out of her way and go no contact. Whatever her reason you are not a priority to her, she wouldn't have said this otherwise. Keep posting and reading, focus on you. Thinking about it will drive you insane, force yourself to think of other things.
somedude81 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I'm seeing more and more of this happening, especially since it recently happened to me. Women are just, weird. I want to say more but it'd probably get me in trouble. 1
pickflicker Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I'm seeing more and more of this happening, especially since it recently happened to me. Some Women are just, weird. I want to say more but it'd probably get me in trouble. Say it like that, and it won't get you into trouble. 3
organizedchaos Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I'm seeing more and more of this happening, especially since it recently happened to me. Women are just, weird. I want to say more but it'd probably get me in trouble. Be glad it didn't happen to you after investing nearly 3 years of your life with someone. Many had it happen even after longer periods of time. 2
Fangorn Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Man, I got that line, it was like a slap in the God damned face. What they really mean is "I need to find myself into someone elses bed". Like the others have said, mourn the loss as if she is dead and begin the healing process. The irony of the situation is that while they say they need to find themselves, you actually can! I'm doing things today that I could never have imagined doing 2 months ago and I feel a lot better because of it. It still hurts like hell from time to time but I've filled my life up with productive activites and self improvement. You should too. Find your passion, throw yourself into it, work on yourself and be happy. One day in the future she'll realise that there wasn't much to find except for random hook ups and feel awful, while she'll be merely a footnote in your great journey. Brother, everything is going to be alright. 1
Never Again Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I believe it's called the "c*ck carrousel". Just another term for GIGS and both sexes are guilty of it. It's the typical "I'm not really to settle down, be serious, or have a relationship that's anything more than fun/games/sex!". 1
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