Billygoat Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Okay, I strayed and regret it now but the hurt is tearing me apart. I got into an EA which was physical, sexual twice but my ap said enough was enough. We remain working together, different floors but still very close. Suppose you can never be sure but she seems fine with it but I remain obsessed. I need to know what she is doing, talk to her as much as I can and stay close. Its not an issue her being out say on a date if I know but if not mind wanders and really stresses me. I have no right, I know that as I don't own her just want to switch off. We certainly are not as close as we were but I remain in such turmoil. I am not after sympathy, know I do not deserve any but I honestly want to move on. Does that mean tell my wife everything and hope she forgives me, leave work, speak to the company and see if they can help relocate me, any other idea's. Its been 6 months now and I am very ill with it all, any advice or help really appreciated. Thankyou.
dichotomy Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Why did you cheat - what was your reasons and motivations? Have you gone to individual counseling ? Can you get an other job easily - or move to another office easily? Was the woman married too?
dichotomy Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 By the way I do think you need to tell your wife - just think you need to a few things in order first before you tell her.... reasons for questions I had to you.
painfullyobvious Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Well you are going to be in a difficult situation. I learned my lesson the hard way when I was young never mix work and personal relationships. It seldom ends well. You need to let this person go and stop obsessing over her. I would normally say go no contact but since you work together that will be tough. You are attached to the affair partner and will stay attached as long as continue to "wonder" about her, focus on what she is doing, etc. Can you get a different job, transfer somewhere else, departments? You need to confess the affair because that starts the healing process and the process of letting go of the affair. This will be difficult and may not go well for years. You need to figure out why you felt you needed or wanted to cheat. Try counseling for yourself and your marriage. Google affair withdrawal, affair fog and begin staying away from the affair partner (mentally and physically). Communicate honestly with your wife and do the difficult work of reconciling. Ask yourself if you want to stay married. The illness is most likely guilt and obsession related. If you decide to not tell your wife you may make yourself very sick for a while. This is just my opinion.
tiredofitall2 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Read this thread, similar situation, similar advice. How could he leave it like this?? Must get out of the fog and clear the "love chemicals" absolute NC might be the only option for you, so maybe you will need to transfer away.
jm2013 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Why do you remain married? Go home and tell your wife what you've done. It doesn't sound like you carry any remorse. If the OW would still be talking to you it sounds like you'd still be banging her. It's like you've come to a self realization now that your AP doesn't want to be something she can't be since you're married. Probably a big turn off anyways banging a married man. If you were sincere and wanted to R with your wife you'd go home and tell her everything then give her access to EVERYTHING you do. Passwords, phones, emails everything. You've broken a trust that she A) won't ever get back or B) will take years to get back. With that being said, I think you'll be better off telling her yourself than having her discover it on her own. I discovered my wife having an affair on me and got trickle truthed. If she had the respect to sit me down and tell me everything maybe my story would have ended differently. To show her you're being serious tell her, book some couseling sessions and keep on them as well as getting STD tested with paper work in hand.
Author Billygoat Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I was in a rut with my marriage, grass is greener and all that. Me and my wife have spoke and both working on our marriage but through no fault of my wife's my obsession with the ow is stopping me. She was single, we both fell for each other but the hurt we would cause stopped it but the hurt I am feeling is there more than ever. Jobs not easy in Scotland but sure could try I suppose. Not here to be told I was wrong, I know that but what now. Thanks for your reply.
waterwoman Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Yes, tell her. Nothing like seeing devestation in the eyes of someone you love and knowing YOU caused it for getting your head out of your arse. 1
troubadour Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I was in a rut with my marriage, grass is greener and all that. Me and my wife have spoke and both working on our marriage but through no fault of my wife's my obsession with the ow is stopping me. She was single, we both fell for each other but the hurt we would cause stopped it but the hurt I am feeling is there more than ever. Jobs not easy in Scotland but sure could try I suppose. Not here to be told I was wrong, I know that but what now. What now? Well, you just suck it up!
Zenstudent Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Okay, I strayed and regret it now but the hurt is tearing me apart. I got into an EA which was physical, sexual twice but my ap said enough was enough. We remain working together, different floors but still very close. Suppose you can never be sure but she seems fine with it but I remain obsessed. I need to know what she is doing, talk to her as much as I can and stay close. Its not an issue her being out say on a date if I know but if not mind wanders and really stresses me. I have no right, I know that as I don't own her just want to switch off. We certainly are not as close as we were but I remain in such turmoil. I am not after sympathy, know I do not deserve any but I honestly want to move on. Does that mean tell my wife everything and hope she forgives me, leave work, speak to the company and see if they can help relocate me, any other idea's. Its been 6 months now and I am very ill with it all, any advice or help really appreciated. Thankyou. You know what? I've read your posts three times now, and it's still not clear to me what it is you really want. You say you want to move on, what does that mean? Move on to another lover? Move on to a single life? I don't see in anything you write that you value your wife or your marriage. Do you love your wife? Do you worry about your betrayal? What is it you want in life? Think about that for a moment, maybe you could write your thoughts out here to clarify it to both yourself and us. Then maybe you'll get some better advice and direction, I think.
Artie Lang Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 i don't understand what you're looking for. if you go back to your previous thread, you are lamenting about the same things- 1) you had an affair with a co-worker 2) you are in love with this woman 3) you are unwilling to tell your wife about it. sounds like you're stuck and are a little yellow to do anything about it. you go on to say that you two "fell in love." if this is so, why did she dump you. this whole thing sounds one-sided, you just don't want to admit it. now, you want to go crawling back to your marriage and "fake it till you make it." i say you admit your failure as a loyal husband to your wife and let the chips fall where they may. if you and this OW were meant to be- as you fantasize in your mind -then a divorce will be in your favor. then you can pursue a relationship with her..... well, that is if she still wants you. 1
ChooseTruth Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Okay, I strayed and regret it now but the hurt is tearing me apart. I got into an EA which was physical, sexual twice but my ap said enough was enough. We remain working together, different floors but still very close. Suppose you can never be sure but she seems fine with it but I remain obsessed. I need to know what she is doing, talk to her as much as I can and stay close. Its not an issue her being out say on a date if I know but if not mind wanders and really stresses me. I have no right, I know that as I don't own her just want to switch off. We certainly are not as close as we were but I remain in such turmoil. I am not after sympathy, know I do not deserve any but I honestly want to move on. Does that mean tell my wife everything and hope she forgives me, leave work, speak to the company and see if they can help relocate me, any other idea's. Its been 6 months now and I am very ill with it all, any advice or help really appreciated. Thankyou. Yup, it's the right thing to do for your wife, yourself, and your relationship.
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