LoveMyDogs Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Hi. So this is kind of awkward because I've never reached out to an online community for advice or help or anything, but lately I'm at a total loss. My boyfriend of a year (living together for the past 6 months) is an awesome guy and I love him very much. The problem I'm having is that I don't seem to matter to him. I know he's been depressed lately about a few pretty huge things (having to switch apartments, band breaking up, unhappy with his job) and it's really been affecting our relationship. We are barely intimate any more. I'm lucky if I get a hug. I know he's not cheating or anything like that. We spend most of our time together and he also quit drinking a couple years back so he doesn't go out and also doesn't really have any friends outside of our relationship. I want so badly to be able to cheer him up and get him out of this depression (not just for him but it's REALLY starting to wear on me, too) and I don't know what to do anymore. I keep the house clean, make him coffee every morning, give him a massage when I get home from work every evening, really just anything that might make him feel even slightly better, but nothing is changing. As far as the lack of sex, he says he goes through phases and he feels bad but he also says I shouldn't bring it up because when I do it stresses him out even more. In fact, that's the case when I try to talk to him about anything at all. I cry sometimes and I make sure to do it in the bathroom so he doesn't know, but sometimes he hears and gets frustrated with me. I love him so much and it hurts so badly that I can't help him with his stress. Please help.
DorkBreakfast Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 OK, I've been the depressed guy in the relationship so I feel like I'm at least marginally qualified to offer some insight. First off, while it is normal to feel for someone who is suffering, he needs to be the one to get some help. Second, about getting help, I would suggest he get in to see someone immediately. See a therapist, see a family doctor, something. When depression goes on for this long it only gets worse. Sitting around hoping that things will get better doesn't do anything. I would approach this one as asking him what's bothering him. Sometimes he won't actually know what it is. It may be something else other than what you've listed here. Depression makes you feel like **** and lose focus of just about everything around you. Ask if he's open to go in and talk to someone. That is priority #1. It sounds like you're very supportive and you just want him to feel better so all that's needed is some professional help.
Author LoveMyDogs Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I should have mentioned that he was seeing a therapist a few months ago and it seemed to be helpful but he kind of couldn't afford it any more and thought it made him better. I try asking what's on his mind and he says the same things all the time: he is unhappy with his job and he has no friends. He gets very angry when I ask him about what's bothering him most of the time.
Eau Claire Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Hi. So this is kind of awkward because I've never reached out to an online community for advice or help or anything, but lately I'm at a total loss. My boyfriend of a year (living together for the past 6 months) is an awesome guy and I love him very much. The problem I'm having is that I don't seem to matter to him. I know he's been depressed lately about a few pretty huge things (having to switch apartments, band breaking up, unhappy with his job) and it's really been affecting our relationship. We are barely intimate any more. I'm lucky if I get a hug. I know he's not cheating or anything like that. We spend most of our time together and he also quit drinking a couple years back so he doesn't go out and also doesn't really have any friends outside of our relationship. I want so badly to be able to cheer him up and get him out of this depression (not just for him but it's REALLY starting to wear on me, too) and I don't know what to do anymore. I keep the house clean, make him coffee every morning, give him a massage when I get home from work every evening, really just anything that might make him feel even slightly better, but nothing is changing. As far as the lack of sex, he says he goes through phases and he feels bad but he also says I shouldn't bring it up because when I do it stresses him out even more. In fact, that's the case when I try to talk to him about anything at all. I cry sometimes and I make sure to do it in the bathroom so he doesn't know, but sometimes he hears and gets frustrated with me. I love him so much and it hurts so badly that I can't help him with his stress. Please help. So, what's going to get better? We see this ALL the time. If he is not seeking help for whatever reason, then suggest that he does...tomorrow. If he doesn't, then leave. Nothing will change in one month, six months, six years. This is no different than living with an alcoholic, druggie. Things do not improve if circumstances do not change. You are not helping him by maintaining the situation. If he has no financial resources, then take him to a clinic and ask to sit in on the meeting (your boyfriend can consent). This is a health issue as much as banging your head or chest pains. 1
shinealight Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I know someone who is suffering from depression, have you asked him about visiting a doctor? Also talk to him about what is bothering him.
Eau Claire Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 People often rant against meds to treat depression. My experience is that they are often exactly what are needed to snap someone out of a temporary fog. A short term regimen to break a cycle. Usually it can be coupled with an exercise program, healthy diet, etc. then reassessed after 30 days. Think of it as a positive kick in the backside.
KathyM Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 You need to get him into counseling. There are low cost or free clinics around, and some therapists have a sliding fee scale for those who have financial issues. See that he gets professional help. Therapy, or some combination of therapy and anti-depressants, can make a big difference in a person's mood and ability to handle setbacks in life.
Author LoveMyDogs Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 He says he'll go back to a doctor once his insurance is paid for and kicks in, wwhich I'm hopeful about, but at the same tike I'm worried it won't get better. I was engaged to be married a few years ago and lived with this other guy for five years. He was diagnosed manic depressive and bipolar. Instead of seeking proper treatment he got hooked on crack and heroin. I know my current boyfriend doesn't have any desire for hard drugs but I guess I'm just paranoid that it will turn out the same. I ended up talking with my current boyfriend a few hours ago before work and he was initially defensive but then told me he understands and doesn't want me to be sad, gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me. Am I being too needy that I would like those things without having to discuss it every time? I I don't want to be selfish and I know he loves me, he just has a funny way of showing it. I don't know. I feel like when I'm down it cheers me up to be around him but I I can't do the same for him when he's down. Gah.
eotdevice Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I too am a guy that suffered / suffers from depression. I would cry nearly every day even though I had a wife and kids, house, etc. to go home too. It got to the point of needing medication and therapy appointments. It has helped immensely! Three years later and therapy continues to help. I am on a much reduced amount of anti-depressant. And I am happy now!
Author LoveMyDogs Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks for the advice everyone. It means a lot to know other people have dealt with the same stuff. I will suggest medication too and see if he goes for it. I think an anti-anxiety med could be great for him.
Eau Claire Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 He says he'll go back to a doctor once his insurance is paid for and kicks in, wwhich I'm hopeful about, but at the same tike I'm worried it won't get better. I was engaged to be married a few years ago and lived with this other guy for five years. He was diagnosed manic depressive and bipolar. Instead of seeking proper treatment he got hooked on crack and heroin. I know my current boyfriend doesn't have any desire for hard drugs but I guess I'm just paranoid that it will turn out the same. I ended up talking with my current boyfriend a few hours ago before work and he was initially defensive but then told me he understands and doesn't want me to be sad, gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me. Am I being too needy that I would like those things without having to discuss it every time? I I don't want to be selfish and I know he loves me, he just has a funny way of showing it. I don't know. I feel like when I'm down it cheers me up to be around him but I I can't do the same for him when he's down. Gah. Not to be insensitive but what type of people do you associate with? If I was with a man or friends and they even looked at these drugs, it would be good bye. Instantly. Zero tolerance for any type of these substances. You went from one guy like this to another? You might want to re-examine your choice of men. Associate with healthy people who do not do drugs, do not smoke, do not abuse alcohol and lead active lives.
Author LoveMyDogs Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 alcohol free guys. My current boyfriend doesn't drink or smoke, we go to the gym 4-5 times a week and eat healthy. I would never again even look at a man who drinks 1
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