_Saffy_ Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 ok this is baffling lately me.......what do you guys think? i split up with a guy i was completely in love with almost 4 weeks ago, and since then another male friend has become my "new best friend". the history of this "new" friend is that i met him online, we chatted a while, and we dated twice. both extremely nice dates, we got on well, and maybe it could have gone somewhere. however, i got a letter from his girlfriend at this point, and so clearly it went no further. wasnt a bad break up because it was only two dates, no intimate involvement. his GF at the time was married, he was the OP, and felt it wasnt enough for him, he made the mistake of getting involved with me without ending things with her, and he did genuinely feel bad, he ended things with both of us......her because it wasnt what he wanted and me because he felt that he had ruined his chances and that things wouldnt have been on very good footing to start afresh. from my point of view it wasnt going anywhere after this point. i suspect the GF felt that it was over too. this all happened two years ago, and i had forgiven and moved on, we stayed in touch, the odd email or msn chat, nothing regular, when he came online i would say "is it that time of the month already?" jokingly. so thats the background, now since my break up hes been around so much, texting me first thing in the morning, several times through the day, and last thing at night. friday night he left work at 8pm and called me by 8.30......i finally put the phone down and went to bed at 12.30am. just general chatting with the odd flirty comment thrown in........eg, i am about to take my motorbike test, and he said "hurry up and get ya bike, so i can help you get out of your leathers" somehow i managed to get the conversation around to guys being friends.....and i said to him "you do see me as just a friend right?".....he replied by saying "i'm not sure how to answer that" and wouldnt add anything else. he has called most nights for the past few weeks, we do get on well, chatting is easy with him. he tells me i can call him anytime. he said if i wanted to meet up for coffee over the christmas break that i should just let him know, i didnt, and he didnt mention it again, until friday night, when he just said that he was hoping we would get chance to meet up, "no strings or anything" so does anyone have ANY idea what is going through his head???
alphamale Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ so does anyone have ANY idea what is going through his head??? yes, he wants to sleep w/ you. but he's also coming off as desperate, this is not good.
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 9, 2005 Author Posted January 9, 2005 i dunno AM, he hasnt made any attempt at making a move of any sort, and apart from the odd flirty comment and the offer to meet for a "no strings" coffee, i have no reason to think anything of it. but what i dont want is to be encouraging this in anyway, firstly because this is the wrong time for me to get involved with anyone, and secondly as this person has lied to me before i would be very wary about getting involved anyway. and another thing that is really odd is that he keeps saying......"i wish it had worked out with <name>, i just want you to be happy"..................wtf is that about??
alphamale Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ i dunno AM, he hasnt made any attempt at making a move of any sort, and apart from the odd flirty comment and the offer to meet for a "no strings" coffee, i have no reason to think anything of it. but what i dont want is to be encouraging this in anyway, firstly because this is the wrong time for me to get involved with anyone, this guy does not interest you cause he is too "nice" and you still have thoughts of you ex.
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 9, 2005 Author Posted January 9, 2005 this guy does not interest you cause he is too "nice" AM, it doesnt have anything to do with him being "nice", personally, i dont think that a guy that lies to someone about being with someone else, that bs's them into believing hes available when he technically isnt, is nice at all. and yeah that may have been two years ago, but people dont change really do they? if he wants to be friends then thats fine, but we all know that guys dont put in that much effort, just to have a friendly voice at the end of a hard day at work, or someone to chat over coffee with. guys dont do that.........do they?
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 9, 2005 Author Posted January 9, 2005 anyone else have any ideas? not that alphamale doesnt sometimes have good viewpoints, of course.
Maxxus Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 If he is a nice guy he is trying to hook up with you, if he is a loser he is trying to get into your pants. Couldn't tell you more without knowing the guy.
Mr Spock Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 He has a penis, and I'm guessing he doesn't like to stick it into guys t's probable he's hoping you'll feel down/sad/mad/vengeful enough to let him hump you. Don't complicate things by allowing that to happen, you don't need more confusion or problems. Clearly state "If you are attracted to me, we'll date. None of this friends bullsh*t-you want to sink the pink, we'll have to be a couple."
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 thanks guys, guess im gonna have to find a way of keeping him at arms length then.....cos i do not intend to get involved with him.
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 s***, girl, the man asked you to have a cup of coffee, that's all! Give him the benefit of the doubt. If he makes a move on you, DON'T sleep with him. You obviously want a relationship, so how about asking for one, or at least ask him to take you easy, since his last impressions weren't 100% positive. See how the coffee goes. If he's in for a easy f**k show him the door. If he just wants to spend some time with you, fine. You'll sort out the details later(friendship or relationship). As long as you don't deliver the goodies!!!
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 You obviously want a relationship, so how about asking for one ok crisp thanks for your comments.....completely not valid, if you read any of this then you would have seen that i have just come out of a relationship, and that i do not want to get into another one...... see my comments already made on this post?? but what i dont want is to be encouraging this in anyway, firstly because this is the wrong time for me to get involved with anyone, and secondly as this person has lied to me before i would be very wary about getting involved anyway .....cos i do not intend to get involved with him thanks for trying anyway
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Sooo...what do you want from him? You lost me. I took the involved in ''but what i dont want is to be encouraging this in anyway, firstly because this is the wrong time for me to get involved with anyone, and secondly as this person has lied to me before i would be very wary about getting involved anyway.'' as emotionally involved. What was your question again?
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 well my original question was with all the attention im getting from him at the moment, does he have an ulterior motive, because if there is, im going to have to step outta what i think is just a friendship. i cant see how you took...... ''but what i dont want is to be encouraging this in anyway, firstly because this is the wrong time for me to get involved with anyone, and secondly as this person has lied to me before i would be very wary about getting involved anyway.'' to mean that i do want to get involved.........im sure its quite obvious that im saying i dont.
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Oh, Saffy, of course I read that. And said it thousand times and then went and did the exact opposite . Not that I do not believe you. But I'm a woman also. I think you know he's interested. You're flirting also. Some men respect their female friends, other men can never have women as friends. Only lovers. Define the meaning of '"friend" to you. Friend to me is someone who makes sacrifices for me. Who helps me. Who cares for me. The rest of them are mere acquintances. Does your ex lover fit into your "friends" category? Or is it "flirt"? I think that you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Go out and have that cup of coffee. See how he behaves. What he wants or expects from you. If he cares about you enough not to be hitting on you for fear he might loose your friendship. If you know eachother well, you can simply be frank and talk to him about your fears. Friends tell the truth and have fun together. Good luck!
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 i feel the same way about friends as you do crisp, and i do value both my male and female friends in a huge way. sounds like you are exactly the same as me. i have a big idea that hes interested, i mean i never even spoke to him much before the break up that im currently getting over, just needed it confirmed. the problem with this particular "friend" is that he hasnt really been a friend as such, the first time i got to know him he was a potential lover, until i found out about his girlfriend, and since then its only really been greetings, and hows things kinda conversations. Does your ex lover fit into your "friends" category? Or is it "flirt"? im not sure where he fits into, hes been a huge shoulder to cry on just lately, but theres been flirting too, so guess he fits into both. but hes not an ex lover, hes an ex date. hes mentioned the coffee a few times since, and also mentioned going to the cinema, and i havent really responded much to either, guess i will deal with rejecting him if he actually ever mentions anything on a serious note, rather than just in passing conversation.
Mr Spock Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Please remember that all men that are into females want to sink the pink at some point and it will be viewed as generally unfair if you use him like a girlfriend or gay friend and then don't put out...... So if you want to go for coffee and cry on someone's shoulder, go with a girlfriend. If you are interested in developing a relationship with this guy, go on a date. If not, stick to your casual meetings.
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock Please remember that all men that are into females want to sink the pink at some point and it will be viewed as generally unfair if you use him like a girlfriend or gay friend and then don't put out...... So if you want to go for coffee and cry on someone's shoulder, go with a girlfriend. If you are interested in developing a relationship with this guy, go on a date. If not, stick to your casual meetings. i havent seen this guy physically for almost 2 years, and i dont know that hes actually "into" me now.......he could be flirting to cheer me up, make me feel good for all i know, there might not be anything behind it. and he hasnt actually said "would you like to come for coffee/ go to the cinema?" ...he just says, "hey if you are free for coffee sometime let me know"....and with the cinema thing, i mentioned that i wanted to see this movie but none of my friends were interested, and he said "well let me know sometime and i'll go with you"...... but at the same time i have guy friends, and they dont pay someone this much attention.....the odd "how ya doing" text once a week or something, yeah, but not calling me 5 nights in a row, and talk for between 3-5 hours. maybe hes just bored!
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 I have no "fair play" when it comes to guys. Like they say: all is fair in love and war! It's his prob if he thinks that you'll put out after some text messaging, just like it'll be your prob if you think he'll ever call again after he "sinks the pink" with you.
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 It's his prob if he thinks that you'll put out after some text messaging, just like it'll be your prob if you think he'll ever call again after he "sinks the pink" with you. sometimes i wonder whether people actually listen on this site, or whether they just respond to something that has happened to them sometime in the past. i will not be allowing this guy to "sink the pink"......i wont even be dating this guy....what im trying to do here is keep what might one day become a good friendship on the the right track. sheeeeesh i give up.
Mr Spock Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 I know that, and I'm telling you short of telling him flat out at the beginning you're not interested romantically there's not much you can do to avoid "leading him on" and how can you tell someone you just want to be friends if they haven't put the moves on you? I'm just telling you it will happen, at some point.
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 LOOL!!!!! I was actually implying you should "use" him as a "girlfriend" if you feel like it. You owe nothing to no one. Don't worry, everybody understood you're not interested!!!!! Geez, internet!!!
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 goooooooood, now i finally got my point across but seriously, i guess ya right spock, until he makes a real move i cant do much about it, and if and when hes does i guess i just gotta hope that he does value me enough as a friend to accept rejection and get past it. why are things always so complicated?
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 ok, we talked about this last night. he told me that he is interested in me, not in sex, but in a relationship with me. he says that everything that he possibly wanted is here with me. he says that he has never got any urge to settle with anyone until he met me, that he has spent the past two years battling feelings for me........knowing he wants me but also feeling guilty for the bad start he got off to, and wondering if he can ever put it right. he told me that the reason he hasnt made a serious move on me is because he is waiting........waiting for the right time. for me to recover from my past relationship, and because he has issues that he is currently dealing with, he gained some weight and has low self esteem. he feels like he is failing himself because hes struggling to do the things that he has always done (extreme sports kinda thing). i explained that i dont want to be in any relationship right now, and he says he understands that i am hurting, and that he will wait for as long as it takes for me to heal, and to feel that i am ready to think about moving on......and then he will take the chance as to whether i choose to date him. scary huh?
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Oh Saffy, you need to say "I don't want to be in a relationship with YOU" so that he gets the point....kindly of course. Now that you're aware of his feelings, what will you do? You should evaluate really if it's fair to HIM to hang out with him when you have no intention of allowing romantic feelings to foster.....
Author _Saffy_ Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 I dont know what to do spock, hes a great guy, good looking, financially secure, we get on fantastically, we really can talk for hours and hours, we have shared some deep secrets, he makes me laugh and he makes me feel good. i just know, that i need to heal before even thinking about getting involved, because it would be so unfair to get into this on the rebound. i cant say that 6 months down the line (or whatever) i would turn him down if he asked me out.......everything that made me attracted to him in the first place is still there. there is of course the trust issue, but he says he would do whatever it takes to make me trust him, if i give him the chance when the time is right.
Recommended Posts