When it all falls down...run arounds & lessons learned

[nomadic_butterfly]

I wasn't going to share this, but since the people on this board are so honest and transparent and this board has helped me over the past few months, I felt it was only fair and also cathartic to share this bittersweet ending. It's a long one so bear with me; it might help you figure out an ambivalent situation.

 

Lessons learned (plenty but the most salient points):

 

1. Stick to my guns about not entertaining LDRs and no more non-American citizens/residents.

2. Don't try to force anything or be too nice; let the man put effort into the pursuit.

3. It helped me be more patient which is always a great virtue.

4. Someone that is even far away that honestly sees future potential will still put in effort.

5. I learned about my communication styles, what I truly need to be fulfilled in something (we never met so never a "relationship" more so something).

6. Ideas and intentions must be followed by actions or else it's chasing the wind. Stand my ground no matter how "awesome" I think a man is.

7. Stop being so transparent. Apparently me not wanting to play games and being upfront about feelings and intentions makes me "too nice" and "not enough of a challenge." Que sera.

 

Here's my story in stages:

 

Dec 2012: I already took down all dating profiles a year prior and just as I was about to hit the "delete" button LITERALLY, someone emailed me. Keep in mind I wasn't dating IRL either since that August too.

 

I thought he was cute, decent profile but he lived all the way in Europe and I had literally just moved back to America from Europe 6 weeks prior. I didn't take it seriously, just passing time as I job hunted and from our first Skype convo he told me he was working on some kind of half tourist half business visa and he anticipated by May 2013 he would be in America which was fine by me because my greatest concern was finding a job, not dating or anything. If what he said was true, I had more in common with him than any other guy I'd encountered. I also background checked and his dad does own the largest company in his particular field in his country; this was a major concern because I didn't want to be a golden ticket for someone impoverished and suffering in their home country.

 

January-April 2013: we started talking. Initially we spoke almost every day via text and Skype. I would get frustrated with the time differences and sometimes he would break the agreement to Skype and sometimes this would cause arguments. Eventually I decided I couldn't handle it and stopped talking to him and told him to call me when he was in town.

 

Feb: We had a disagreement and he was being passive aggressive. He said, "I think our biggest problem is that we haven't met. It would make things clear."

 

I say, well, it seems it would be a while before that happens so we have to deal with what we have unless he is getting me a ticket. He says, "well, I am thinking about getting you a ticket."

 

I was in NY, job hunting and I told him I was moving to LA so I told him he'd have to get the ticket soon if I were to come. He didn't get the ticket and I never pressured the situation. I got a job within 3 weeks of moving to LA and I of course couldn't travel until later in the year.

 

May 2013: He told me how won the Diversity Visa Lottery but now it could all the way until the fall of 2014 before we could meet. According to him and his best friend the visa scheme that allowed him to have 2yrs in the States had ended and it's hard for people in his country to get visas to America.

 

August 2013: I asked him what was his case # b/c then I can have an idea but checking the consulate of when he'd actually be in the US. We chit chat here and there but it seemed like me more than anyone striking up small talk. He asks me about life and in essence if I met someone.

 

Sept 2013: I send an email and said let's make a promise to each other that if we found anyone else, we'd tell the other as it's only fair. He agrees. He also says he may go to Mexico by the end of the year and perhaps we could meet there.

 

Oct 2013: He sends me an email out of the blue saying his best friend is in town, new to LA, I should meet him and show him around. So we hung out, had a blast. I was a bit annoyed ("D")he didn't say thanks afterward. His best friend asks me the next day if I heard from him. I said no, he says "wow, I really don't understand you two's situation." I said, me neither, I know what logic is telling me, and that's what I believe most. He says, "logic is not always the best answer to matters of the heart." I say, well, if something is a part of your destiny, you cannot lose it; if it's not a part of your destiny you cannot keep it. I also thought it strange the pictures of three little children whom "D" claimed was his brothers and sisters his "best friend" was clueless about. Especially considering they live in different cities in his country, his Skype picture has him and one of his "little brothers" in it and the best friend Skypes him. Maybe it's his child? LOL.

 

Much to my surprise, a week later "D" writes me and says his best friend has a blast; we make plans to Skype. I also asked him if he had decided on Mexico or not; unless he doesn't want to see me. He then says well he's going on a mission trip in December in Africa for a month to work with the orphans.

 

I started to date local guys here and there at this time too; none were relationship material.

 

Nov 2013: I ask if he missed me? He says yes; I said, then why haven't you really been in contact with me? If I missed someone, I would contact them.

 

He says, "Everyone is different; after I won the Visa Lottery I knew it would be a long time before we saw each other so he wanted to give me space in case a more realistic option came about."

 

I say, well, I want to see you for your birthday and mine (his end of Feb mine early March). I told him if he's serious, book the ticket for me by the end of November; there's been way too much loose plans with no concrete dates or deadlines.

 

He says, "why? I can book it when I come back from Africa in January. I come back January 8."

 

I say, "ok, so by the 10th." He goes, well I need time to settle in, etc.

 

I say, "ok, by the 12th."

 

I heard nothing from beginning of November after this convo; then I sent him an email before he left for Africa, bidding him well, etc.

 

Jan 2014: THIS MORNING:

 

He sends an email saying something happened he didn't expect; "he fell in love in Africa and since we both agreed we would let the other know if we found someone and because he knew I would tell him, he feels bad so he had to let me know."

 

I sent nothing but positive energy his way and told him I am not heart broken; we never met..just disappointed but him being lukewarm in the latter days made it easier on me in a sense. I told him if he found someone he has more in common with, that shares his values and will challenge him to be a better man, who am I to say anything negative about that?

 

I told him I harbor no ill-will, hope this was a well thought out decision and all the best for the future. The funny part is when we Skyped last in November he told me he hadn't been dating at all and spoke of me meeting his family when I got there. I thought that was kinda strange b/c I wouldn't let someone meet my family before I sussed them out on my own first. That's neither here nor there now.

 

Maybe he's really married/involved in his country and when it got down to the wire he had to end things; maybe he wanted papers all along and I was a back-up plan in case the other visas didn't work out; maybe he met another gullible American in Africa, made her feel he was in love to get papers; maybe this was all a game for someone super bored with life or maybe he genuinely found love in real life unexpectedly! Who knows?

 

I am not angry; just disappointed in him for this run around but even more so in myself for going against my core values of being anti-LDR and sometimes making excuses for mediocre efforts on his part.

 

That is all!! I can say though now I am have peace in knowing exactly where I stand, will close this chapter, and believe the best is still yet to come!

Edited January 7, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly

[justwhoiam]

no more non-American citizens/residents

You are really scarred.

 

Don't try to force anything or be too nice; let the man put effort into the pursuit

Forcing things is projecting your own hopes onto others... and well, it goes without saying it takes two in a couple. If it's just you, it's more like a teenage crush where the other is not sharing your feelings.

Stop being so transparent. Apparently me not wanting to play games and being upfront about feelings and intentions makes me "too nice" and "not enough of a challenge."

Or maybe it's a case of too much too soon, with the wrong person.

 

By the way, something smells fishy in your story. I really suspect the guy you met was him, the guy you were talking to. And it all stopped there and then.

[nomadic_butterfly]

You are really scarred.

 

Forcing things is projecting your own hopes onto others... and well, it goes without saying it takes two in a couple. If it's just you, it's more like a teenage crush where the other is not sharing your feelings.

Or maybe it's a case of too much too soon, with the wrong person.

 

By the way, something smells fishy in your story. I really suspect the guy you met was him, the guy you were talking to. And it all stopped there and then.

 

Hmmm I don't think it was him but there are so many scammers in the Eastern European countries (no offense to anyone) I wouldn't be surprised.

 

I don't think it was "really him" on the account of I Skyped a million times with the guy I was talking to, swapped a million pics, phone convos, etc. his so called best friend also was telling me about his girlfriend he loves so much so I doubt it. He also asked me the next day via text of I heard from the guy I was talking to and when I said no he said he didn't "understand our situation" so I doubt it was the guy I was talking to. He then said first thing in the morning his friend texted him to "tell him everything." I would go far as to say the friend didnt even know who he was meeting until we conversed. Too long to get into that.

 

My close European friend said they sound like con artists and opportunists when I sent him the email from the guy I was getting to know and then from the friend. I also found it weird when I met the best friend, we had a good time and he even texted me after "omg when I came home I freaked, I had so much fun." And it was fun. He didnt have a car so the next week I was going to pick him up although he lived kind of far but I had never been to a Universal Studios but then his friend suddenly, within a few days later went to Panama to "pursue some opportunities." He supposedly was in a dangerous part with gunshots all around. When I chatted with the best friend yesterday he said "big things are in store for him in 2014 and he's looking about some things and there's a good chance he will be in LA later this year and we can hang out." He got a 2 month visa and only was in America for a month so who knows. I figured if I buttered him up maybe some info would slip out which it did about some other things.

 

I am not scarred I've just seen people that used people from visas even from my small Caribbean island that I am from. I just don't trust it unless I was still living in Europe, met a guy and fell in love. But online I am very very skeptical. The people I know personally that I found out married for papers have the same common denominator: hard times in their home country and don't want to go back.

 

Before I met up with the best friend he said, "I would do anything to stay in America - well, the legal was of course." Then when we met he said everyone is trying to get out of his country, shops are empty, business is not that good so he and the guy I am talking to are trying to get out.

 

But yea I was always skeptical from the beginning and started dating locals a few months back so I am not devastated. I also didn't put too much trust or emotion into something before meeting because I think that's presumptuous and unwise. I just wanted to share my story with everyone.

Edited January 8, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly

[justwhoiam]

Hmmm I don't think it was him but there are so many scammers

80% chance it was him, from all the things you said. Don't go out with this best friend. You don't even know who he is. Did he show you his passport and visa? What kind of visa did he get? You don't want to end up witnessing in some court for whatever reason. It sounds like that guy might be involved in illegal things. You never know.

 

I have no idea where in Eastern Europe shops are empty. I might think of Ukraine or Moldova, but I wouldn't be that sure. I don't believe that's the case anywhere else.

[nomadic_butterfly]

80% chance it was him, from all the things you said. Don't go out with this best friend. You don't even know who he is. Did he show you his passport and visa? What kind of visa did he get? You don't want to end up witnessing in some court for whatever reason. It sounds like that guy might be involved in illegal things. You never know.

 

I have no idea where in Eastern Europe shops are empty. I might think of Ukraine or Moldova, but I wouldn't be that sure. I don't believe that's the case anywhere else.

 

 

I told you I did a background check on the guy I was talking to and his family; I had no reason to see his friend's ID. The guy I was talking to also showed me the official letter from the visa consulate stating him winning the lotto showing his name and address and case number. I looked up the company he works for, employees, his dad is very well known in his country. I also sent him a birthday card last year to his address which he held up over Skype saying, "look what I got today)." He never asked me for money or claimed to be in love or anything else like that (nor did I). When I looked up his name I found old videos online of him and found his HS yearbook so I know for sure as far as the identity is concerned I am 100% sure it was not him that I met. What I am suspicious of is that they ARE involved in something fishy to get to America by any means. This is what his best friend said literally.

 

His best friend's gf also lives in the Ukraine but they live in another country. "D" (the guy I was talking to) ex girlfriend was a foreign exchange student in his country and that's how they met. Then after a year, he got a two year visa and lived in LA and went back and forth to Europe. They broke up for whatever reason, his best friend said they got in some fight where she wouldn't "accept him" into the country or something like that, and then he got turned back. Who knows if it's all bs? LOL. They are highly intelligent men and very skillful. Wouldn't be surprised if the bestie's "gf" is also another foreign exchange student. Maybe maybe not.

 

I don't see the point in the best friend telling me how in love he is with his girlfriend if it was indeed him I was talking to all along. I just think "D" might have made his best friend "check me out" to see if I seemed naive and gullible and when that didn't check out, all the bs ensued after.

 

I have no intentions of hanging out with the best friend again. I just told HIM that to get more info out of him, which I did about other stuff. If I blew up and seemed mad (which I wasn't anyway) they'd probably panic or shut down.