How To Identify Lack Of Empthy in Men

January 7, 2014

Not everyone's relationship is the same. Different isn't necessarily worse.

Less response than your friend's bf doesn't mean "lack of empathy". Things are not that black and white. There is a lot of gray in the middle. A lot of it comes down to relationship style, and personal needs. Your bf needs a girl who is more on the independent side, and he's making that need known. Is that you? Or do you need a boyfriend who is more on the "rescuer" side?

Don't try to bend each other into people you are not. But also, don't let your friend talk you into needing something you truly don't need. If you are the independent type, and don't need a guy running every time you puke, be proud of that! And be proud that your boyfriend has confidence in you to handle the situation without rescue.

I normally got looked after and pampered by my parents since I'm their only daughter.

So you think my boyfriend is more info independent women?

He said he needs a woman who can stand on her own two feet and not need the guy to pay all the time for dates. Though he does pay for most things/ dates and he loves doing nice things for me.

He shows he cares, however, he doesn't drop everything to be with me when I am sick, sunburnt or tired.

Iove the way he is and it was only an issue due to my friend saying that my bfs behavior was off.

January 7, 2014

I normally got looked after and pampered by my parents since I'm their only daughter.

So you think my boyfriend is more info independent women?

He said he needs a woman who can stand on her own two feet and not need the guy to pay all the time for dates. Though he does pay for most things/ dates and he loves doing nice things for me.

He shows he cares, however, he doesn't drop everything to be with me when I am sick, sunburnt or tired.

Iove the way he is and it was only an issue due to my friend saying that my bfs behavior was off.

Yes, I think your bf is clearly into more independent women. Which may be ideal, because you love the way he is, so you may be that more independent woman he desires. Your friend may be more needy (relatively speaking--not a criticism of her), but you don't need to judge your own relationship by her needs.

I have many examples of times when, as a younger woman, friends would comment about things in my relationship and say they couldn't handle this or that. And I just brushed it off, because I'm totally happy with it!

Bottom line: trust yourself.

January 7, 2014

Yes, I think your bf is clearly into more independent women. Which may be ideal, because you love the way he is, so you may be that more independent woman he desires. Your friend may be more needy (relatively speaking--not a criticism of her), but you don't need to judge your own relationship by her needs.

I have many examples of times when, as a younger woman, friends would comment about things in my relationship and say they couldn't handle this or that. And I just brushed it off, because I'm totally happy with it!

Bottom line: trust yourself.

He likes independence I guess yet he still wants to spend a lot of time with me. He still calls me beautiful every day he's with me in perso and he's very loving and treats me very well.

I wasn't aware that he preferred more independent women. I just thought he didn't care enough about me when he suggested going home after I vomited and told him I was ill.

January 7, 2014

How long have you been dating? Did he say that he was in love with you?

Frankly, if you were someone that I was IN LOVE with, I would:

1. Assess whether it was a true emergency and if you NEEDED me now

2. If so, make, at least, a few moments available to communicate with you on the phone to console

That's if I were in love or deeply cared about you. If we are just gf/bf, I don't know how responsive I would be. One thing I didn't like about your bf's response was his lecturing about when, why and other people having real problems so he isn't going to drop everything....such a lecture is patronizing and dickish. Forgive me, but anyone who needs to lecture you on this matter as an explanation why he wasn't as responsive is a dick to me.

Off topic here, but what the hell is it with this FB thing? He has a more personal method of communication called the phone and he gets on FB to chat????? I seriously wonder about some people now days. He would rather chat on FB than talk to you. Sheesh.

January 7, 2014

Save the 'drop everything for me' for when you REALLY need it, and I'm sure he'll come through. Don't use every little incident of not quite feeling well to put him to some sort of test.

This is it - this is when it matters! If he wasn't there when if really mattered you'd have a problem, but for little things - like you say, he has his own personal set of circumstances that lead to how he reacts.

My girlfriend is really not the most empathetic person in the world. I've heard her use the line "some people have real problems" more than once.

But she's had it super tough, so I'm sure to her some of the things other people get upset about do seem trivial!

But every time I really needed her she's been there - and that's all I need to know!

When I had a really bad mountain biking accident, we weren't even dating but she barely left the hospital, day and night. And she'll always be a tough love kinda gal, she sat at my hospital bed eating all the grapes people brought me and telling me "if i wanted more i'd have to get up and go buy some" and that "I better not think she didn't know this was all just a big excuse to have people running round after me while I laid in bed playing xbox all day". But she was there, and that's what counts.

This is the thing with relationships, no one can really judge someone elses relationship because they're not in it.

Your friends can only see the surface.

If you know in your heart of hearts that if you really needed him he'd come through for you, then that's everything you need to know.

If you didn't believe that, then yeah you could have an issue, but don't worry about what your friends think!

January 7, 2014

My boyfriend had an aneurysm at age 19 andspent a year or more in hospital and became emaciated due to the trauma. He's VERY lucky to even be alive much less relatively healthy.

He woke up and was told he'd had a stroke and he'd never drive again.

That and the fact his mums a doctor could have some bearing over his attitude on comforting me when I am vomiting or upset.

As well as many of the points other people have made, I think this is very relevant. Going through a life-threatening and life-changing health experience has a major impact on your perspective-- I speak from experience. After being very ill, working to recover, working to adjust to your new limits, you end up with a different view of what's a big deal and what's not.

For instance, I used to get very stressed about school-- after years of dealing with major health issues, it seems such a silly thing to majorly stress about now. Worrying about writing a perfect essay or getting an A just doesn't compare to worrying about the potential of a lung transplant! Sometimes I have a hard time now getting why my friends stress so much about school--I do empathize, but at the same time I feel it's just not the big deal they're making it out to be, and I can't get them to see that. I certainly don't not care, about my own schoolwork or my friend's stress, but I see it much differently than I once did.

The same thing is true with illness. I'm now used to having to be really tough, to go on with my life even when I'm severely short of breath or write essays from a hospital bed. I am a very warm caring person, but again, I have a hard time really connecting with someone who's making a huge deal out of a bad cold. I hate colds and they make me grouchy, but it's still just a cold. I've fought really hard through serious illness-- a cold doesn't compare. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a jerk for thinking like this, but I can't escape it. If a good friend or partner has a bad cold or flu or sunburn, of course I am sympathetic, I will try to help out, but I also kind of expect the same "grit your teeth and bear it" attitude I've had to cultivate. Of course, if someone I cared about was seriously ill, I would well and truly be there. I understand how hard and scary it can be and I would do everything I could to lessen those feelings.

People also react to things in different ways, and people want different reactions. I cough a lot, every day. I like this to be ignored. I am grateful when people don't pause or react. I don't want to be treated as sick. My ex, who was the most caring compassionate empathetic person you can imagine, totally got this and didn't even stop talking while I coughed, and I loved him for it. He would also walk slowly if I needed to without saying anything and sometimes suggest we have a seat without implying I needed it. He never made a big deal out of me being in the hospital. This was exactly what I wanted. In the future if I have a partner who makes a big deal out of me being sick, I would have to tell him no, please don't do that. It's something I have to deal with and yes I want people there, but I don't want it to control their lives like it does mine.

Anyway, of course this is just my perspective, and I don't know your bf-- but I thought it might be helpful to hear the side of someone who has gone through a similar serious health scare, because it can be hard to understand how it changes you until you've been there. All the best !

January 7, 2014

Another guy said he would have dropped everything for a girl he is crazy about if she had so much as a bad sunburn (to tell her she is still beautiful if her face was burnt/ reassure her etc)
...
Is it a big deal that my bf wont drop everything for me the way my mates bf does? Even though he does call immediately when he is not busy and he would drop everything if it was a serious problem with me?

Wasn't this other guy your crazy ex who treated you badly so it's no wonder that he would say something that puts your boyfriend into bad light?

I don't doubt that there are sociopaths with zero empathy out there but honestly, expecting someone to drop everything sounds more like a power play than a question of empathy. Do you even want your boyfriend to drop everything and drive for 4 hours because of a sunburn? I can declare that a guy would put his head in the oven if he loved me but would I ask him to if I loved him?

Secondly, I think guys would quite quickly grow tired of a girlfriend who is constantly "upset" and needs hand holding and dropping everything over minor issues. This is like a 'boy who cried wolf' scenario.

You are a really nice girl but it is painful to read how you build these "if he was crazy about me..." constructs in your mind.

January 7, 2014

I really think you should listen to the advice, do not compare your relationship to a friends. Everyone is different so every couple is different. Every time you are in a couple with a new person it is different.

If you are happy that's all that counts. If you we're happy you wouldn't have posted.

That said.

jwhen I was under the weather and puked, I went back to bed and told him I had been sick, he suggested " I should get going home soon?" Mind you he was half asleep and may not have realised.

This right here smacks of at least a degree of psycopathy.

Psychopathy is among the most difficult disorders to spot. The psychopath can appear normal, even charming. Underneath, they lack conscience and empathy, making them manipulative, volatile and often (but by no means always) criminal. They are an object of popular fascination and clinical anguish: psychopathy is largely impervious to treatment.

It is important to note that the vast majority of people with antisocial tendencies are not psychopaths.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/psychopathy

Then today, I was really upset about a family issue although not terribly besides myself, and he said he couldn't just drop everything to call me ASAP as he was cooking for 6 guests (he often cooks dinner for family or he has dinner parties for several guests, as he is a chef by trade).
He did of course, text me and tried to comfort me, and he called me later and talked for hours then went on facebook after the call just to chat to me again ( he only goes on there for me, as he hates fb)

He "often" has dinner parties and such. To me that notes a degree of narcissism. Oh look at me aren't I a great cook....

How to Spot a Narcissist | World of Psychology

He tells me that there are people with real problems in the world; he misses me the second we part ways, and he is sad when I am sad, yet he said he refuses to baby me and drop everything when I am completely fine, but just a bit sick or a little upset and having a cry about something.
He said obviously if I was sent to hospital, he would be there at lightening speed; he would be beside himself if anything were to happen to me, mentally or physically...... however, crying over something or vomiting a few times one morning is not enough for him to act like " omg baby, poor babe, kiss kiss kiss kiss poor thing"

A sign of another degree of psycopathy. Not that he is a psychopath and lacks empathy. He's just not a touchy feely kind of guy.

Read up on the "Dark Triad" personality and ask yourself if it matches your boyfriend. It would not surprise me if it did to an extent. It has been shown by science that women find such men irresistible. In short he is a bad boy (QED, so the proof closes.)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201301/shedding-light-psychology-s-dark-triad

Defined as a set of traits that include the tendency to seek admiration and special treatment (otherwise known as narcissism), to be callous and insensitive (psychopathy) and to manipulate others (Machiavellianism), the Dark Triad is rapidly becoming a new focus of personality psychology....

As it relates to dating and why you, and one other woman who posted in this thread dated such a man.

What?s so right about Mr Wrong? « Psychologies

I can relate a little to what you are feeling when you do that. You want a man with an edge. Sure. The thing is you can't sit around and wait for that man's edge to cut you. Leigh, by not caring that you were sick this man showed a real lack of empathy that should be a red flag. Slow down and really think if you can continue with him. He's not going to get more caring with time.

January 7, 2014

It doesn't sound like you want a man.

Men are not nurturers. Men don't " drop everything and call" because you feel sick or upset.

How could you possibly expect to be babied like that and at the same time have a strong secure man? Men are supposed to be security. The emotional rock.

If he stops everything he is doing every time you are feeling a little emotional, it validates all the dramatic behavior that it sounds like you are describing.

I'm a very empathetic person, but I find the idea of dropping everything I'm doing to call you because you said you were sick or had a bad day to be a little clingy and insecure on my part. It screams doormat to me.

January 7, 2014

Lots of men have their own lives to live...

Waiting on a women hand and foot gets old chances are

he prob did that when he was younger...

vomiting or cramping isn't exactly a life or death thing...

when he has a headache do you drop everything your doing

call him and show up at his place or work with an asprin ?

January 7, 2014

This also establishes a highly unrealistic precedent of always coming to your aid for every little thing.

When a man behaves like this, it creates melodramatic women. Its exhausting when your girlfriend can't so much as wipe her feet without needing you to massage her legs because they cramped.

January 7, 2014

Just wanted to add that there are men who are givers and capable of nurturing. I'm a single father and better have some nurturing capabilities or I would make for a lacking parent.

I agree that men should not expect to drop everything, but neither should women expect to be cajoled, guilted into being so responsive. We all know that men can be cry-babies too. This discussion is sounding less about nurturing and empathy and more like a difference in the personal independence level. Some people want/need more than others are comfortable or willing to give. A happy medium must be realized.

January 7, 2014

empathy varies from person to person. I personally wouldn't identify myself as empathetic; I care about people but I'm not empathetic to everyone and every cause, as some people can be. a friend of mine will cry for and help anything in need - cats, dogs, birds, babies, people, anything. I will just help my immediately family and friends. I judge empathy on whether or not a bf is empathetic towards me because, in the end, I would be their partner and need it most. do they help me out when I'm sick? do they care and ask questions and try to help when something puts me in a sad/bad mood? are they good with my pets and caring towards them? etc.

January 7, 2014

One more thing. Leigh, your friend may not have your best interest at heart in her talking to you. It could be a form of bragging about her man.

I don't know your age, but you look no older than me. Many women who are on the younger side really pay attention to how their friends, more than their family even, react to their boyfriend. The thing is those "friends" may not have your best interest at heart. Part of judgement is knowing who to listen to. You know your friend better than us. You know you boyfriend better than we ever can.

Between us and your friend who has a possible motive to say these things? Remember a woman can be a low empathy, narcicistic, and machiavelian, Dark Triad, type person too. Are you sure you aren't being manipulated by that "friend".

January 7, 2014

Leigh

From what I have read,no, this isn't a lack of empathy in your bf, but a lack of independence and security in you. Comparisons between old bfs and friends bfs always create drama because of al the baggage that comes with such comparisons.

My wife is capable and strong, she doesn't need or expect me to treat her like a fragile flower. I find that reassuring and sexy. When she really needs me, I am there, but I don't treat her as though she is incapable because she isn't. I share my life with an adult who doesn't sweat the small stuff.

Perhaps work through these insecurity and comparison issues before they sabotage any healthy relationship you may have with this new guy. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, but that will be impossible if you don't work on those issues you know are sabotaging your new efforts at relationships.

Best,

G

January 7, 2014

One more thing. Leigh, your friend may not have your best interest at heart in her talking to you. It could be a form of bragging about her man.

I don't know your age, but you look no older than me. Many women who are on the younger side really pay attention to how their friends, more than their family even, react to their boyfriend. The thing is those "friends" may not have your best interest at heart. Part of judgement is knowing who to listen to. You know your friend better than us. You know you boyfriend better than we ever can.

Between us and your friend who has a possible motive to say these things? Remember a woman can be a low empathy, narcicistic, and machiavelian, Dark Triad, type person too. Are you sure you aren't being manipulated by that "friend".

My boyfriend is very loving and affectionate. He will be like" awww sweetie plenty of rest, llts of water and I'll be seeing you soon" when I am sunburnt.

Day after we met and a guy was harassing me and I lost my menial student style job, my boyfriend expressed concern.. He would text me comforts and he tolde that henwas making me his number one priority. We had only met once when he told me that I was important to him.

He shows me in person that he is very loving and caring.

Um regarding narcissism and his dinner parties. .. ummm he has never bragged that he's a great cook, but he is quiet a confident man.

He did/still does call me immediately whenever I ask him to..last

January 7, 2014

There are so many black and white ideas on this thread. To address a few:

Real men can be very nurturing. My dad and husband are the best baby and puppy soothers in town.

Independent people can enjoy spending lots of time with their partners, and be very in love. They just can also function just fine on their own, without help.

Empathetic people don't always jump to help. I don't always jump to help my kids, even though I care very much, because that way they'd never have the satisfaction of solving their own problems, and the skills that come with it.

Listen to your boyfriend, Leigh. He's telling you what he needs. Are you ok with it, or not? Your best friend's opinion is meaningless, as she may need a different kind of guy.

January 7, 2014

empathy varies from person to person. I personally wouldn't identify myself as empathetic; I care about people but I'm not empathetic to everyone and every cause, as some people can be. a friend of mine will cry for and help anything in need - cats, dogs, birds, babies, people, anything. I will just help my immediately family and friends. I judge empathy on whether or not a bf is empathetic towards me because, in the end, I would be their partner and need it most. do they help me out when I'm sick? do they care and ask questions and try to help when something puts me in a sad/bad mood? are they good with my pets and caring towards them? etc.

They do care and ask questions when I say I'm in a bad mood.

When a previous guy harassed me, it got awfully bad and I tested bf " I'm in a bad way. Plz call" and he called and listened/ comforted me. Then texted me a positive spin on things.

January 7, 2014

Well I need my boyfriends actions to align with the actions of a man who is crazy in love.
My boyfriend largely, for the most part, DOES act like a guy who is smitten/ in love big time with his new girlfriend.
It is only the fact he doesn't drop everything whenever I mentioned I am upset that is different from the OTHER guys I know who are totally in love (they DO drop everything)

Serious? Why should a guy drop everything just because you get your panties in a bunch about something.

I take this as a sign that your BF isn't a loser. Do you really want some douche who doesn't have a life and caters to your every whim and mood? On second thought... Maybe you do.

January 7, 2014

There are so many black and white ideas on this thread. To address a few:

Real men can be very nurturing. My dad and husband are the best baby and puppy soothers in town.

Independent people can enjoy spending lots of time with their partners, and be very in love. They just can also function just fine on their own, without help.

Empathetic people don't always jump to help. I don't always jump to help my kids, even though I care very much, because that way they'd never have the satisfaction of solving their own problems, and the skills that come with it.

Listen to your boyfriend, Leigh. He's telling you what he needs. Are you ok with it, or not? Your best friend's opinion is meaningless, as she may need a different kind of guy.

She is admittedly high maintenance. She needs a guy who is absolutely head over heels in love with her and super into her from date one, and SHOWS it. Where as I too look for a man who is pretty smitten with me from first date, the difference between my friend and myself is: I don't need a guy to drop everything for me if you relatively okay and nothing serious is wrong with me.

She is a stunner so perhaps she expects men to just be super enraptured by her presence that they simply drop everything for her every time.

She wants her guy to.. just be there for her no matter how small the issue. Her bf cslls her eben of he is busy and she texts him that shes a little upset. He'd call her... irrespective OF HOW busy he was or HOW trivial her issues were.

She thinks my guys actions are not that of a man who is totally head over heels for a girl. Yet to me, he shows me regularly that he iS quiet crazy about me.

January 7, 2014

My boyfriend is very loving and affectionate. He will be like" awww sweetie plenty of rest, llts of water and I'll be seeing you soon" when I am sunburnt.

Day after we met and a guy was harassing me and I lost my menial student style job, my boyfriend expressed concern.. He would text me comforts and he tolde that henwas making me his number one priority. We had only met once when he told me that I was important to him.

He shows me in person that he is very loving and caring.

The thing is... everything you just said is exactly what a possible psychopath would do in the beginning. Especially on the first day they meet you.

The Doctors TV Show - Show Synopsis - Dr. Phil?s Life Code: Get What You Want, Keep What You Get

The Nefarious 15

1. They infiltrate your life with promises and flattery. -Above

2. Define you as a conspiratorial confidant.

3. Are focused on getting your approval.- Above

4. They gather data to build a file on you.

5. Misdirect and maintain a mystery about who they really are.

6. Constantly blame others when confronted.- When he blamed you for your feelings earlier.

7. They will lie to the point of destruction.

8. Tendency to cheat and steal.

9. Isolate their victims to foster dependency.

10. Abuse positions of power.

11. Know your hot buttons to gain leverage.

12. Selective memory.

13. Two-faced: Spread lies and gossip.

14. Paranoid.

15. Passive aggressive

These are possible warning flags early indications that trouble is on the wind and will blow in like a hurricane in due time.

Um regarding narcissism and his dinner parties. .. ummm he has never bragged that he's a great cook, but he is quiet a confident man.

He did/still does call me immediately whenever I ask him to..last

No mature adult would "brag" by talking or even writing about themselves. They would just show off.

I hope you are right. I hope this man is the one. I hope he turns out to be perfect for you. I hope.

January 7, 2014

Serious? Why should a guy drop everything just because you get your panties in a bunch about something.

I take this as a sign that your BF isn't a loser. Do you really want some douche who doesn't have a life and caters to your every whim and mood? On second thought... Maybe you do.

I had a guy like that. It was a turn off.

January 7, 2014

She thinks my guys actions are not that of a man who is totally head over heels for a girl. Yet to me, he shows me regularly that he iS quiet crazy about me.

What will you say to her next time she brings it up?

I suggest something like: "I prefer a little more independence."

January 7, 2014

The thing is... everything you just said is exactly what a possible psychopath would do in the beginning. Especially on the first day they meet you.

The Doctors TV Show - Show Synopsis - Dr. Phil?s Life Code: Get What You Want, Keep What You Get
The Nefarious 15
1. They infiltrate your life with promises and flattery. -Above
2. Define you as a conspiratorial confidant.
3. Are focused on getting your approval.- Above
4. They gather data to build a file on you.
5. Misdirect and maintain a mystery about who they really are.
6. Constantly blame others when confronted.- When he blamed you for your feelings earlier.
7. They will lie to the point of destruction.
8. Tendency to cheat and steal.
9. Isolate their victims to foster dependency.
10. Abuse positions of power.
11. Know your hot buttons to gain leverage.
12. Selective memory.
13. Two-faced: Spread lies and gossip.
14. Paranoid.
15. Passive aggressive

These are possible warning flags early indications that trouble is on the wind and will blow in like a hurricane in due time.

No mature adult would "brag" by talking or even writing about themselves. They would just show off.

I hope you are right. I hope this man is the one. I hope he turns out to be perfect for you. I hope.

He just doesn't feel like a bad guy.

I cannot envisage him as a.cheater or liar. At all. He feels like the opposite.

January 7, 2014

OP. I read your opening post and am concerned about your own ability to empathize and see beyond yourself. You have set up a expectation in life and then are doomed to be disappointed when others do not share those same expectations. Do you find you also need reinforcement about your looks? Open gratitude when you do a favour?

I suspect some men are reading what you write and are thinking. 'Whoa...been there, done that'. They have tried to please the pretty princess and got their fingers burned but have at least learned from the experience.

Lots of people are very empathetic but empathy does not mean catering or pandering to an individual. If a boy falls and scrapes his knee, a good father knows when to tell him get up and go get the ball or when to put on a bandaid.

If you want a guy that comes running at your whim then find one. I personally want a man who has integrity and is there when I need him.

Edited January 7, 2014 by Eau Claire

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