How To Identify Lack Of Empthy in Men

January 7, 2014

I really don't want to talk about my fledging relationship unless I have to on here, so here goes...

What are the signs that someone could lack general empathy? Can they mask it well early on? Are they always aware they have a problem?

Me and my good friend, who was almost engaged to a man who lacked adequate empathy, both find something in my boyfriends actions concerning. He is otherwise wonderful, a true gentlemen who treats me very nicely and he acts in accordance with every man I have known who is totally nuts about their girlfriend; there is just ONE thing he does differently.

When I puke or when I am upset about something, he comforts me via text if he is busy, rather than dropping everything to call me immediately at he first instance he knows I am upset or vomiting/sick.

Where as my friends bf rings her instantly the second he reads she is "upset"

Another guy said he would have dropped everything for a girl he is crazy about if she had so much as a bad sunburn (to tell her she is still beautiful if her face was burnt/ reassure her etc)

jwhen I was under the weather and puked, I went back to bed and told him I had been sick, he suggested " I should get going home soon?" Mind you he was half asleep and may not have realised.

^^^we had been together 8 days, he lives part time with his dad at home as he is saving for a house deposit, and he said if I was sick shouldn't I rest and sleep? And shouldn't he get back to his dad since his dad does tend to miss his dad and family/friends?

Then today, I was really upset about a family issue although not terribly besides myself, and he said he couldn't just drop everything to call me ASAP as he was cooking for 6 guests (he often cooks dinner for family or he has dinner parties for several guests, as he is a chef by trade).

He did of course, text me and tried to comfort me, and he called me later and talked for hours then went on facebook after the call just to chat to me again ( he only goes on there for me, as he hates fb)

He tells me that there are people with real problems in the world; he misses me the second we part ways, and he is sad when I am sad, yet he said he refuses to baby me and drop everything when I am completely fine, but just a bit sick or a little upset and having a cry about something.

He said obviously if I was sent to hospital, he would be there at lightening speed; he would be beside himself if anything were to happen to me, mentally or physically...... however, crying over something or vomiting a few times one morning is not enough for him to act like " omg baby, poor babe, kiss kiss kiss kiss poor thing"

Moreover, his mum was not loving growing up; she really loved him and he knew that, but when he was sick, she is a doctor and she would just say " you will be right" she would not overly cuddle and physically nurture him.

My friends bf who is very much in love with her, and fell hard and fast for her from day ONE and is STILL smitten with her - he calls her whenever she says she needs him to!

Where as my boyfriend will call me immediately if I say I really need him to, UNLESS he is busy cooking for a group of people.

Is it a big deal that my bf wont drop everything for me the way my mates bf does? Even though he does call immediately when he is not busy and he would drop everything if it was a serious problem with me?

January 7, 2014

My friends ex also didn't ... just act all " omg poor babe I love you xoxoooxox" when she was sick, and she said the way my boyfriend suggested going home when I vomited was alarming and a cause to be concerned he could lack empathy (since neither of us think it is due to him not being into me enough since she shows he is nuts about me in all other ways)

My bf thinks it was a misunderstanding, he said his mum brought him up to not care about things unless they were a true issues, when it comes to health for instance.

He was mortified when I even mentioned possibly breaking up with him, he swore up and down that he had perfectly fine empathy, he insisted we talk it all out and he was VERY adamant that he cared a very great deal about me and it just looked bad to me, the way he reacted in those two occasions...

January 7, 2014

Making comparisons to anyone else's relationship will do nothing but cause you trouble.

Are you happy with how your boyfriend communicates with you and supports you? If so, then it's not an issue. If not, then you need to decide if it's an issue big enough to end the relationship over.

But again, comparing your relationship to another relationship is nothing but a waste of time. Each and every relationship has different individuals and different dynamics.

January 7, 2014

I agree with what the has already been said in this thread. Empathy is one thing that varies between individuals. It's impossible to know how empathetic an individual is just by looking at him, or by extrapolating past experiences from previous partners, or what you see other men do. Sociopaths too tend to be cunning and good and hiding their manipulative and emotionally abusive/neglectful ways.

I would just judge your boyfriend on his actions alone.

I suppose that is what sucks most about dating. You are almost sure to meet bad people who will hurt you, and the inherit thing about dating is you are at your most vulnerable.

January 7, 2014

Well yes, frankly I am overjoyed at what a decent and loving man he is. he is the first guy I have had who is wonderful to me and is actually a genuinely nice person.

He is the first guy that isn't a pig that I have ever dated.

He acts like a man who is very much in love and adoring of his girlfriend, THIS IS THE ONLY THING that really irked me because it is different to how OTHER men who are head over heels in love act like.

See, my friends boyfriend is TOTALY head over heels in love with her like in the fairy tales, he fell for her hard and fast and is still smitten with her; he would drop everything to call her if she texted " she was upset"

January 7, 2014

What are the signs that someone could lack general empathy?

One sign I've noted is that, if sharing something sensitive and personal (this is amongst friends/family) they may acknowledge it but then change the subject. More marked lack of empathy would be if they change the subject back to themselves.

Can they mask it well early on?

Yes, words take nothing more than exhaled carbon dioxide to form and are essentially free. One can 'fake' nearly anything with words. All one needs is a receptive audience and to be convincing, which comes with practice. The motivation is wanting something which the ersatz empathy can facilitate.

Are they always aware they have a problem?

If a person has always lacked empathy, they likely always will. It's a core personality characteristic. Are they aware of it? Depends on self-awareness. Few men I know discuss such matters. Perhaps that's one sign. Perhaps not.

What I'm reading in your posting is perhaps more of generational thing. In general, men of my generation don't see women as fragile flowers; that's probably because we have substantial experience with them and know better. So we won't be rushing to their side and be their handmaiden for every hangnail.

I can give an example.... I happened to have dealt with a couple of surgeries with my exW before we were married and, in one instance, she had a bad reaction to some Demerol and ended up puking up all the blood that had drained into her stomach. I ended up handling the puke bucket and holding her hair back in the recovery room while she worked through it. Did so quietly and when she settled back, advised the nurse of the vomit volume and content and left to go back to the waiting room. Didn't fawn over her, didn't accost hospital personnel, rather simply dealt with the issue and moved on. She wasn't a child but rather a fully formed 40 yo woman who could handle things.

IMO, watch what men do, not only with women but other men. Signs of empathy, or lack thereof, will be there.

January 7, 2014

I agree with what the has already been said in this thread. Empathy is one thing that varies between individuals. It's impossible to know how empathetic an individual is just by looking at him, or by extrapolating past experiences from previous partners, or what you see other men do. Sociopaths too tend to be cunning and good and hiding their manipulative and emotionally abusive/neglectful ways.

I would just judge your boyfriend on his actions alone.

I suppose that is what sucks most about dating. You are almost sure to meet bad people who will hurt you, and the inherit thing about dating is you are at your most vulnerable.

Well I need my boyfriends actions to align with the actions of a man who is crazy in love.

My boyfriend largely, for the most part, DOES act like a guy who is smitten/ in love big time with his new girlfriend.

It is only the fact he doesn't drop everything whenever I mentioned I am upset that is different from the OTHER guys I know who are totally in love (they DO drop everything)

January 7, 2014

With all due respect, I think you are over re-acting.

How long have you been dating him?

How often are you sick / vomiting?

Since he is a chef, was he cooking for work? If so, do you expect him to leave work any time you feel under the weather?

As far as you being upset...did he know you were upset and crying? Were you upset and crying over him?

I used to jump every time my ex-wife was a little sick. It almost cost me my job. Eventually she understood that I could not be available 24/7. If she needed to go to the hospital or was seriously ill I would be there for her. But if she had a stomach virus she would let me know, but also understood that is something that could spread and would not expect me to be near her.

January 7, 2014

Well I need my boyfriends actions to align with the actions of a man who is crazy in love.

My boyfriend largely, for the most part, DOES act like a guy who is smitten/ in love big time with his new girlfriend.

It is only the fact he doesn't drop everything whenever I mentioned I am upset that is different from the OTHER guys I know who are totally in love (they DO drop everything)

You're right, I have encountered monsters in the past and I likely will again, but I genuinely feel like my guy could be legit. Although relationships mostly tend to fail, so I am tyring to enjoy it in the moment; will be fine if it ends.

January 7, 2014

Well I need my boyfriends actions to align with the actions of a man who is crazy in love.

My boyfriend largely, for the most part, DOES act like a guy who is smitten/ in love big time with his new girlfriend.

It is only the fact he doesn't drop everything whenever I mentioned I am upset that is different from the OTHER guys I know who are totally in love (they DO drop everything)

So you want him to act like someone he is not just because you have stereotyped this is the "correct" behavior? Either you are happy with him or you are not. One action, as silly as this, does not make or break love.

With my fiancee I am happy to take care of her. I'll rub her feet after she has a long day, I'll make her tea when she has a sore throat, and all sorts of little things. If she wants help I'm there for her. Yet if she wants to jabber and complain about things I'm more thinking "ugh, can't you do this to your mother or a friend?". I'm a person of action. This morning it as 4 degrees out and I started her car and hooked up her seat warmer so she would be warm... last week when it snowed I shoveled her car out and cleaned it off (which I do every time it snows) so she didn't have to be cold any longer than necessary. These are actions, these show care.

I'll drop the world for something important, something tragic. Most times being "upset" isn't tragic and it's not serious. It's one thing to drop the world if someone died and another if you're just randomly upset. A partner is a partner, not a tissue. You need to be able to handle your own life and take care of yourself sometimes.

January 7, 2014

With all due respect, I think you are over re-acting.
I agree.

How long have you been dating him? Since 29th November

How often are you sick / vomiting? Just one morning. Nothing serious.

Since he is a chef, was he cooking for work? If so, do you expect him to leave work any time you feel under the weather?

He was in the middle of cooking for about 6 people, as the soul person cooking. Would have been hard to just stop cooking the steaks in order to chat to me, he said it was not possible.

As far as you being upset...did he know you were upset and crying? Were you upset and crying over him?

I was not crying over him, I was upset due to my own issues. He comforted me a little via text, but could not call me when I asked him to.

I used to jump every time my ex-wife was a little sick. It almost cost me my job. Eventually she understood that I could not be available 24/7. If she needed to go to the hospital or was seriously ill I would be there for her. But if she had a stomach virus she would let me know, but also understood that is something that could spread and would not expect me to be near her.

Yes... Not all men will automatically put themselves in the position to DEIFNATELY catch a virus, just so they can hold their partners hand throughout it. Not even men who are totally nuts about their girl will just drop everything without question and.. comfort them in ALL circumstances.

I guess it is all good for me, since he is otherwise a wonderful partner this far who makes me extremely happy.

January 7, 2014

My ex lacked empathy and if I was honest, I was aware of it from the start. He faked it with words and some superficial actions. It was obvious when I felt physically unwell. He would act like he was somewhat annoyed and like I was killing the mood. Then he would send a lame text or 2 like "feel better soon".

The longer we dated, the more obvious it became. I started hiding from him whenever I felt unwell. His feelings for me seemed to always increase when I was strong and confident and decrease when I was vulnerable. I didn't really want to face up to it because I knew I would have to dump him if I did.

He was also very critical of other's appearance early on. He would make fun of random people at how fat/unattractive they were. Later on, he became critical of me like that.

I don't think it had anything to do with being in love or not. It's his core trait that was lacking.

Personally, I value empathy in a man above looks or intelligence. I need someone whose empathy is in a 8+ range (on the 1-10 scale). I feel that my own is in that range I end up not feeling loved or valued if it falls much lower than mine.

January 7, 2014

You are joking, right? Right?

I was under the impression, according to some of my friends and their boyfriends, that if a guy is crazy about a girl he will normally drop everything for them, even due to every little matter.

I can now see it is ridiculous to assume every guy is at their girls beck and call.

It is totally reasonable, I can see, for my boyfriend to expect me to be a big girl and take care of my cold or temporary bad mood in the way that other grown adults do.

January 7, 2014

So you want him to act like someone he is not just because you have stereotyped this is the "correct" behavior? Either you are happy with him or you are not. One action, as silly as this, does not make or break love.

With my fiancee I am happy to take care of her. I'll rub her feet after she has a long day, I'll make her tea when she has a sore throat, and all sorts of little things. If she wants help I'm there for her. Yet if she wants to jabber and complain about things I'm more thinking "ugh, can't you do this to your mother or a friend?". I'm a person of action. This morning it as 4 degrees out and I started her car and hooked up her seat warmer so she would be warm... last week when it snowed I shoveled her car out and cleaned it off (which I do every time it snows) so she didn't have to be cold any longer than necessary. These are actions, these show care.

I'll drop the world for something important, something tragic. Most times being "upset" isn't tragic and it's not serious. It's one thing to drop the world if someone died and another if you're just randomly upset. A partner is a partner, not a tissue. You need to be able to handle your own life and take care of yourself sometimes.

Oh yes, my boyfriend will happily rub my feet until the cows come home if I asked him to I am fairly certain! Unless they smelt really awful:sick: Which they wouldn't since I wash them daily.

I mean, he would always wash up for me and go out of his way for me in other areas, he just doesn't baby me when I am sick and be at my beck and call the way the other guy who was madly in love with me did (whom I never loved back mind you). That guy would also just... JUMP when I said jump, if you catch my drift...

My good friend still thinks it is a cause for concern that my bf offered to go home after I told him I had vomited.

She said her bf would have done the opposite; he would have jumped to attention, immediately cuddled her and tried to comfort her.

She also said he would have immediately called her as soon as she told him she wanted him to; where as my boyfriend WILL call immediately if he is not busy, yet this time he was busy so he said he would call me after.

January 7, 2014

I was under the impression, according to some of my friends and their boyfriends, that if a guy is crazy about a girl he will normally drop everything for them, even due to every little matter.

I can now see it is ridiculous to assume every guy is at their girls beck and call.

It is totally reasonable, I can see, for my boyfriend to expect me to be a big girl and take care of my cold or temporary bad mood in the way that other grown adults do.

This ^^^. He can still be crazy about you and expect you to be a strong, self sufficient, independent woman.

Save the 'drop everything for me' for when you REALLY need it, and I'm sure he'll come through. Don't use every little incident of not quite feeling well to put him to some sort of test. Personally, I hate when my man overdoes the taking care of me thing. I'll let him know when it's truly warranted. And then he'll jump through hoops of fire.

January 7, 2014

My ex lacked empathy and if I was honest, I was aware of it from the start. He faked it with words and some superficial actions. It was obvious when I felt physically unwell. He would act like he was somewhat annoyed and like I was killing the mood. Then he would send a lame text or 2 like "feel better soon".

The longer we dated, the more obvious it became. I started hiding from him whenever I felt unwell. His feelings for me seemed to always increase when I was strong and confident and decrease when I was vulnerable. I didn't really want to face up to it because I knew I would have to dump him if I did.

He was also very critical of other's appearance early on. He would make fun of random people at how fat/unattractive they were. Later on, he became critical of me like that.

I don't think it had anything to do with being in love or not. It's his core trait that was lacking.

Personally, I value empathy in a man above looks or intelligence. I need someone whose empathy is in a 8+ range (on the 1-10 scale). I feel that my own is in that range I end up not feeling loved or valued if it falls much lower than mine.

oh gross, well my boyfriend definitely never acts annoyed or inconvenienced when I am unwell or upset.\

He will call/text me daily, and he tells me I am always in the back of his mind/on his mind .

He just doesn't... pander to my needs and immediately call me if I say I am upset; he normally WILL, but not always, sometimes he is busy.

He swears if it was really urgent he would be there within seconds, but that I am a grown woman and can take care of myself if I have a temperature without having to have him immediately drop what he is doing to comfort me and put himself at high risk of catching a virus.

I don't really feel like my guy lacks empathy the way my good friends bf and your ex did....

My good friends ex would often try to push himself inside her for anal when she didn't like it, she ended up getting quiet hurt from him doing it to her often with his 9 inch... yeah.

When she burst out crying he was often un responsive.

He also has a young son to his ex who is a total dead beat mum. He says he loves his son, yet he leaves him with his mother, and rather than living near his son, he has chosen to move even further away from him for no reason whatsoever.

I don't think my ex .... has low empathy, he did shed tears when I mentioned breaking up with him, since we both seemed to fall hard and fast and... both think we were onto something special (I know, gay gay gay)

He is not a crier normally, I mean, he said he didn't cry when his 3.5 year relationship ended and he doesn't remember the last time he cried.

Then again my good friends ex who lacked empathy cried when she left him too... even low empathy guys can cry!

January 7, 2014

This ^^^. He can still be crazy about you and expect you to be a strong, self sufficient, independent woman.

Save the 'drop everything for me' for when you REALLY need it, and I'm sure he'll come through. Don't use every little incident of not quite feeling well to put him to some sort of test. Personally, I hate when my man overdoes the taking care of me thing. I'll let him know when it's truly warranted. And then he'll jump through hoops of fire.

Thanks for helping talk some sense into me.

I only knew what I saw; which was, the two guys I knew who were "MADLY" in love, who would drop everything to immediately call their girls whenever their girls demanded it.

My guy still shows he is every bit as crazy about me BAR the " not dropping everything for me when I am vomiting or sunburnt OR UPSET"

My good friend was very concerned that he didn't drop everything for me when I said I was very upset to him - I told him I was VERY , HIGHLY upset and to PLEASE PLEASE call me. He said he would once he had finished cooking dinner for guests.

Of course he did call, wanted to talk for hours, only to then go on fb just to chat to me more, to then say goodnight on fb AND then text me goodnight as well.

My friend simply said that if she texted her bf that SHE was very upset, he would have rung her at the SMALLEST sign that she felt off.

January 7, 2014

My good friend still thinks it is a cause for concern that my bf offered to go home after I told him I had vomited.

She said her bf would have done the opposite; he would have jumped to attention, immediately cuddled her and tried to comfort her.

She also said he would have immediately called her as soon as she told him she wanted him to; where as my boyfriend WILL call immediately if he is not busy, yet this time he was busy so he said he would call me after.

Thanks for helping talk some sense into me.
My good friend was very concerned that he didn't drop everything for me when I said I was very upset to him - I told him I was VERY , HIGHLY upset and to PLEASE PLEASE call me. He said he would once he had finished cooking dinner for guests.
Of course he did call, wanted to talk for hours, only to then go on fb just to chat to me more, to then say goodnight on fb AND then text me goodnight as well.

My friend simply said that if she texted her bf that SHE was very upset, he would have rung her at the SMALLEST sign that she felt off.

Who gives a **** what your friend thinks? Her opinion means diddly squat. Do not judge your personal happiness on the opinions of others. Don't chastise your partner based on the opinion of someone who is not part of the relationship.

I'm sorry but this thread is seriously stupid.

January 7, 2014

Who gives a **** what your friend thinks? Her opinion means diddly squat. Do not judge your personal happiness on the opinions of others. Don't chastise your partner based on the opinion of someone who is not part of the relationship.

I'm sorry but this thread is seriously stupid.

I agree it's stupid now.

At the time I was concerned, it was because my good friend agreed with me that it was totally off for my guy to have suggested leaving the second after I told him I vomited.

I thought my bfs actions were out of whack for what a man would NORMALLY do if he was really in love.

January 7, 2014

I want to figure some things out. His mother was a doctor. This means that everyday she would come home she would tell her family "today I saw a person who had X, Y, Z disease, I saw someone die, I saw someone getting sick" etc etc. Your bf has grown up knowing that there are SERIOUS stuff in the world and we shouldn't get miserable for stupid things. I wish my bf had this knowledge as well cause he gets sad with things I find stupid. Having been sick myself, I try every day not to get sad with things I find stupid. I have spent time in hospitals and I have seen serious misery in people next to me. This is his way of thinking and this is how he will be. You have to accept it, in my opinion. I'm not saying that you should never tell him your problems cause he will think they are silly, but you have to accept and compromise with the fact that he is "too logical" and he will judge about your problems with his own point of view. Do not compare your bf with other men. Every person is different. There are things your bf does better and other men do better, this doesn't mean other men love their gf more or the opposite. Do not try to make him change into someone you would want him to be. If you don't like how he is and you are not satisfied with his behavior, you should break up with him. This is who he is. I've tried for 4 years to make my bf change into being less sensitive with stuff, but I came to realize that I can't change it, it's the way he is. I hate it sometimes, but I love him and I have accepted that this is how he will always be. Don't poison your relationship with these things. He seems like a good person who cares for you. Talk to him if you want and let him know your concerns, but listen to his point of view and respect the diversity between you. (when I sometimes cut my finger with the knife I whine to my bf and he says "I think you are gonna live after all...." and we laugh about it )

January 7, 2014

Leigh, stop listening to your friend. Do you feel cared for and supported? Trust yourself.

January 7, 2014

I want to figure some things out. His mother was a doctor. This means that everyday she would come home she would tell her family "today I saw a person who had X, Y, Z disease, I saw someone die, I saw someone getting sick" etc etc. Your bf has grown up knowing that there are SERIOUS stuff in the world and we shouldn't get miserable for stupid things. I wish my bf had this knowledge as well cause he gets sad with things I find stupid. Having been sick myself, I try every day not to get sad with things I find stupid. I have spent time in hospitals and I have seen serious misery in people next to me. This is his way of thinking and this is how he will be. You have to accept it, in my opinion. I'm not saying that you should never tell him your problems cause he will think they are silly, but you have to accept and compromise with the fact that he is "too logical" and he will judge about your problems with his own point of view. Do not compare your bf with other men. Every person is different. There are things your bf does better and other men do better, this doesn't mean other men love their gf more or the opposite. Do not try to make him change into someone you would want him to be. If you don't like how he is and you are not satisfied with his behavior, you should break up with him. This is who he is. I've tried for 4 years to make my bf change into being less sensitive with stuff, but I came to realize that I can't change it, it's the way he is. I hate it sometimes, but I love him and I have accepted that this is how he will always be. Don't poison your relationship with these things. He seems like a good person who cares for you. Talk to him if you want and let him know your concerns, but listen to his point of view and respect the diversity between you. (when I sometimes cut my finger with the knife I whine to my bf and he says "I think you are gonna live after all...." and we laugh about it )

My boyfriend had an aneurysm at age 19 andspent a year or more in hospital and became emaciated due to the trauma. He's VERY lucky to even be alive much less relatively healthy.

He woke up and was told he'd had a stroke and he'd never drive again.

That and the fact his mums a doctor could have some bearing over his attitude on comforting me when I am vomiting or upset.

Edited January 7, 2014 by Leigh 87

January 7, 2014

Leigh, stop listening to your friend. Do you feel cared for and supported? Trust yourself.

I do.

It's just hard to get past the influence of my closest friends. Especially since her boyfriend was so out of this world crazy about her from the day they met.

January 7, 2014

I do.

It's just hard to get past the influence of my closest friends. Especially since her boyfriend was so out of this world crazy about her from the day they met.

Not everyone's relationship is the same. Different isn't necessarily worse.

Less response than your friend's bf doesn't mean "lack of empathy". Things are not that black and white. There is a lot of gray in the middle. A lot of it comes down to relationship style, and personal needs. Your bf needs a girl who is more on the independent side, and he's making that need known. Is that you? Or do you need a boyfriend who is more on the "rescuer" side?

Don't try to bend each other into people you are not. But also, don't let your friend talk you into needing something you truly don't need. If you are the independent type, and don't need a guy running every time you puke, be proud of that! And be proud that your boyfriend has confidence in you to handle the situation without rescue.

January 7, 2014

My boyfriend had an aneurysm at age 19 andspent a year or more in hospital and became emaciated due to the trauma. He's VERY lucky to even be alive much less relatively healthy.

He woke up and was told he'd had a stroke and he'd never drive again.

That and the fact his mums a doctor could have some bearing over his attitude on comforting me when I am vomiting or upset.

Indeed. You should be grateful that he is such a mature person and that this health problem he used to have helped him become a better person.

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How To Identify Lack Of Empthy in Men

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