Oh no! I bumped into the ex in the city! :(

[Fangorn]

You're just torturing yourself for no reason here and I'm going to put it plainly...It meant nothing! Squat! Zilch! Nada! Stop worrying about it, it doesn't matter.

 

It's just a polite nod imposed by meaningless societal rules.

[headinthecloud]

That is why I am an advocate of 100% NC, no exceptions. I posted about this yesterday. Last nite I was walking thru the city and out of the blue I walked past my ex, she saw me and simply said "Hi, OD" and then kept walking. that is it. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I KNOW it should mean nothing but simply seeing her and her saying "hi" to me has caused me untold stress and pain from last nite and opened up my mind to all sorts of questions and worries - "why did she say hi? what is she implying? does she want to be my friend? why didn't she ignore me? what is going on? does this mean she wants to be friends again? why couldnt she have just ignored me?" and so on. Honestly, I wish I never saw her, or she had enough respect for me to just ignore me!

 

She was just being courteous when she said Hi - nothing more so dont read into it. You cannot be friends with an ex (very rare cases if it happens) because when one of you hits an emotion low and leans on the other for support it's such a fine line that people often cross it in those weak moments and you end up going through the BU all over again. It's best to cut hem out of your life.

[Ordinaryday]

I suppose anything is possible, but given the unlimited potential to meet new people, I don't see the point.

 

Someone on this board once posted "your ex offering to stay friends with you after they dump you is like your favourite pet dog dying and your parents try to cheer you up by saying 'don't worry, you can still play with its dead body'".

 

Everything you loved and treasured from the relationship will be gone, all the beautiful emotional bonds you had, the sex you had, the fun times you shared, and in its place will be a two minute 'friendly' chat every six months and they may 'like' one of your photos on facebook every three or so months.... yeah, what's the point?

[LovelyDaze]

ONLY if you feel completely indifferent about them(meaning you couldn't care less if they are happy with a GF/BF/HUSBAND/WIFE or not)

 

If you have feelings for them romantically, No.

[Ordinaryday]

You're just torturing yourself for no reason here and I'm going to put it plainly...It meant nothing! Squat! Zilch! Nada! Stop worrying about it, it doesn't matter.

 

It's just a polite nod imposed by meaningless societal rules.

 

I KNOW it means nothing, and that is PRECISELY WHY it hurts so much.

 

I believe I was a good boyfriend to her, I was loyal, always there for her and treated her with respect. I was not a pushover, or imposing, I thought I was pretty good.

 

and when in October 2012 she dumped me after one (what I thought was a) minor fight I thought she would be back because we had been together for awhile and she always said she needed me and loved me, she acted like she needed me.

 

so then to not hear from her again after that was devastating. Even though I KNOW this is probably DENIAL, I liked to think and imagine that she knew what a great guy I was and wanted me back but just didn't know how to make the move.

 

seeing her last night and her casually saying 'hi" like everything between us and everything we shared meant NOTHING, well you have no idea how much that hurts. to say "hi" to me as if I was an old workmate she went out to drinks with, instead of someone she confided everything with and told how much she loved... her saying "hi" like it all meant NOTHING was the worst possible thing she could have done.

 

that is why it hurts. and I will get over it eventually, but it still hurts that dumpers think they have the right to be friends or even friendly with you after EVERYTHING that happened.

[kat1012]

My ex bf broke up with me. Now, I am still "friends" with my ex, more because we sometimes go to the same climbing events. That would be the only time we talk to each other. It took me a few times to be comfortable enough being around him and talk to him instead of ignoring him for the whole night. But sometimes, since we seemed to get along well when we are hanging out together, I would wonder why we didnt work back then...why did I feel like he didnt care and bicker about things that arent a big deal....So it may be a bit masochistic to be friends with your ex, esp if he/she dumped you.

 

I guess it takes time, took me quite a few months. but I think it's easier to be friendly with your ex, than really being friends.

[ayudorama]

No. Not now, not ever.

 

Not even when I reach indifference. If I ever get there one day. Because I know myself too well.

[Ordinaryday]

No. Not now, not ever.

 

Not even when I reach indifference. If I ever get there one day. Because I know myself too well.

 

even if/when I reach true indifference it will be an indifference along the lines of "I can't believe how nasty she was to me. Thank God I got out of that relationship" as opposed to "I haven't seen ex in three years. wonder how she is going. we should touch base".

[WhiteTan]

I know you're dying for the chance to reject her like she rejected you but what you fail to understand is that she is completely impartial. She's not trying to be your friend.. she was being courteous, if she wanted to be your friend she would've said more than just "hi."

 

Holding on to bitterness and feeling sorry for yourself is a choice so if you choose to continue being salty, do what you want to do but it's only hurting you, not her.

 

Ultimately, the opposite of love is indifference so choosing to waste your time and energy hating her is only gonna delay your healing process.

Edited January 8, 2014 by WhiteTan

[Ordinaryday]

I know you're dying for the chance to reject her like she rejected you but what you fail to understand is that she is completely impartial. She's not trying to be your friend.. she was being courteous, if she wanted to be your friend she would've said more than just "hi."

 

Holding on to bitterness and feeling sorry for yourself is a choice so if you choose to continue being salty, do what you want to do but it's only hurting you, not her.

 

Ultimately, the opposite of love is indifference so choosing to waste your time and energy hating her is only gonna delay your healing process.

 

Totally get that. I know you have to move on, and I get that, I have tried to.

 

I suppose what I was getting at with this whole thread is that the last time I spoke to her I actually told her "any contact with you, ANY WHATSOEVER, will delay my healing process. please respect my wishes and don't ever contact me again or ever speak to me again unless the contact is to say you want to get back together".

 

she then said to me "I understand you feel that way and I will respect your wishes. I won't contact you".

 

...and then she goes and says "hi" to me. I know it is just ONE WORD, but this is what people are getting at with breaking NC... even speaking to your ex for ONE SECOND can bring back painful memories that you were trying to suppress.

 

and she KNEW how I felt and she said to me "I will respect your wishes and not contact you for any reason" and yet SHE STILL DIDN'T DO IT, she broke NC if only for one second and it set me back a truckload.

 

I guess I am not looking for answers, just to vent about how careless ex's can be. I didn't put a timeframe on it like "contact me in a year to see if I can handle being your friend then", I said "NEVER contact me again".

 

I just think if she really cared she would have pretended she didnt she me, because she MUST HAVE KNOWN that saying "hi" to me and then walking away would SET ME BACK. she must have known... and yet she did it anyway. she deliberately hurt me.

 

That is why I am hurt. because she did not respect my wishes.

 

But I agree with everything else you have said. I will not send her the text saying "I didnt mean to say hi to you, please ignore me next time" cos it would look pathetic and give her an ego boost.

[David87]

she then said to me "I understand you feel that way and I will respect your wishes. I won't contact you".

 

 

How long ago did this happened?

[Ordinaryday]

she then said to me "I understand you feel that way and I will respect your wishes. I won't contact you".

 

 

How long ago did this happened?

 

The 18th of October 2012. but I put no time limit on it, like "contact me in a year to see how things are if you like".

 

the last thing she said to me after that was something like "I really enjoyed your friendship as well and I would like to stay friends with you. if you ever feel you can handle being just friends with me then feel free to contact me because I would like to stay your friend".

 

I never contacted her, because as I have said before, I don't do the just friends thing.

 

If she had just respected my wishes, like she said she would, I would not be in this pain today!

[David87]

The 18th of October 2012. but I put no time limit on it, like "contact me in a year to see how things are if you like".

 

the last thing she said to me after that was something like "I really enjoyed your friendship as well and I would like to stay friends with you. if you ever feel you can handle being just friends with me then feel free to contact me because I would like to stay your friend".

 

I never contacted her, because as I have said before, I don't do the just friends thing.

 

If she had just respected my wishes, like she said she would, I would not be in this pain today!

 

I think she forgot about the convo you had in 2012, she was just being friendly.

 

I don't think she tried to hurt your feelings in any way.

[Ordinaryday]

I think she forgot about the convo you had in 2012, she was just being friendly.

 

I don't think she tried to hurt your feelings in any way.

 

One of my male friends pointed out it is easier for women in a lot of ways to get over breakups. Because women ALWAYS have options they can usually just go straight to the next guy they have lined up and forget about their old guy after a week or two.

 

the point is, they don't sit around depressed and feeling sorry for themselves as much as men do.

 

because for a lot of men, myself included, our dating options are VERY LIMITED so it is not as easy as "just move onto the next one" - I have not had a SINGLE DATE since she dumped me in october 2012, not one.

 

so obviously I have become rather bitter about it and spent a lot of time thinking about every single conversation we had, every word she said, replaying it in my mind.

 

so of course I am going to remember her saying something like "I will respect your wishes and leave you alone" while she is a lot less likely to... because she has probably had three or four different boyfriends since me in 2012.

 

ah, the differences between the sexes.

[David87]

One of my male friends pointed out it is easier for women in a lot of ways to get over breakups. Because women ALWAYS have options they can usually just go straight to the next guy they have lined up and forget about their old guy after a week or two.

 

the point is, they don't sit around depressed and feeling sorry for themselves as much as men do.

 

because for a lot of men, myself included, our dating options are VERY LIMITED so it is not as easy as "just move onto the next one" - I have not had a SINGLE DATE since she dumped me in october 2012, not one.

 

so obviously I have become rather bitter about it and spent a lot of time thinking about every single conversation we had, every word she said, replaying it in my mind.

 

so of course I am going to remember her saying something like "I will respect your wishes and leave you alone" while she is a lot less likely to... because she has probably had three or four different boyfriends since me in 2012.

 

ah, the differences between the sexes.

 

Thats rought brother....

 

I agree with your friend, it's much easier to manage a break up for a woman, they have so many options.

[ayudorama]

One of my male friends pointed out it is easier for women in a lot of ways to get over breakups. Because women ALWAYS have options they can usually just go straight to the next guy they have lined up and forget about their old guy after a week or two.

 

the point is, they don't sit around depressed and feeling sorry for themselves as much as men do.

I must be the anomaly then. Yes, there are others 'lined up' but I don't believe in jumping from one man to another. I mean the heart is way too complicated, for a lot of women (sweeping generalization, I know), emotions rule over logic. Whoever's lined up have all been pushed away, door shut in their face. It's nothing personal.

 

So no, it isn't easier for women to get over breakups. Not this woman at least!

[David87]

I must be the anomaly then. Yes, there are others 'lined up' but I don't believe in jumping from one man to another. I mean the heart is way too complicated, for a lot of women (sweeping generalization, I know), emotions rule over logic. Whoever's lined up have all been pushed away, door shut in their face. It's nothing personal.

 

So no, it isn't easier for women to get over breakups. Not this woman at least!

 

It was very easy for my ex who got a new boyfriend after 1,5 weeks after dumping me, we were together 1,5 years... w*f

[Ordinaryday]

I must be the anomaly then. Yes, there are others 'lined up' but I don't believe in jumping from one man to another. I mean the heart is way too complicated, for a lot of women (sweeping generalization, I know), emotions rule over logic. Whoever's lined up have all been pushed away, door shut in their face. It's nothing personal.

 

So no, it isn't easier for women to get over breakups. Not this woman at least!

 

oh, obviously it doesn't apply to everyone, but just on the whole it is easier for women. you know what I have done pretty much EVERY saturday night since she dumped me? sat at home feeling sorry for myself.

 

I KNOW, I KNOW, that that wont help me meet other people or get over her or anything, I KNOW THAT. but her dumping me had such a huge crushing effect on my selfesteem I have just not had the emotional strength to get 'back on the horse' as it were.

 

but her, she would have NO PROBLEM in that regard. just go to any straight bar on a weekend, sit at the bar and guaranteed she can leave with a man by the end of the night - yeah yeah, he might not be longterm material but at least she CAN GET SEX EASILY.

 

I on the other hand can't. so that is why it is easy for her to say "hi" - because when she sees me all she sees is "some guy I used to date for a few months in 2012" but when I see her I see "the woman who tore my heart to shreds, shattered my confidence and left me a complete wreck for ages".

 

same situation, but two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES ON IT. and the different perspectives are all that matters.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess you just have to ask yourself if you are really going to let a "hi" -- which she literally put no thought into whatsoever except to be polite -- ruin your entire life? Because when you hem and haw and obsess over something that, quite frankly, is stupid and meaningless, you are basically telling the world that you have no moxie, no pride, no fight. I mean, it was a "hi" dude. This wasn't even a molehill -- it was a sh*tty sand castle at that. And you've made it into the Himalayan mountain range.

 

What's the point of this? Are you really going to just shrivel up and die? It's a hi dude. Someone needs to shake the sh*t out of you or something -- this is obsession over something that doesn't matter. At all.

 

You need to realize that you and her are over. The longer you keep this petty rage, the longer you'll be retarded into a state of shame, self-loathing and fear. It's time for you to let go. You've let this woman defeat you for 15 months. 15 MONTHS! And you are letting a two-letter word that means virtually nothing defeat you again.

 

It might be time to see a professional.

[ayudorama]

It was very easy for my ex who got a new boyfriend after 1,5 weeks after dumping me, we were together 1,5 years... w*f

Ouch, I'm sorry about that.

 

I firmly believe that if it is that easy for someone to move on from you, then it probably means what you both had meant more to you than to the other person. And if so, then she's just not the right one for you.

 

You know what I have done pretty much EVERY saturday night since she dumped me? sat at home feeling sorry for myself.

 

I KNOW, I KNOW, that that wont help me meet other people or get over her or anything, I KNOW THAT. but her dumping me had such a huge crushing effect on my selfesteem I have just not had the emotional strength to get 'back on the horse' as it were.

 

I on the other hand can't. so that is why it is easy for her to say "hi" - because when she sees me all she sees is "some guy I used to date for a few months in 2012" but when I see her I see "the woman who tore my heart to shreds, shattered my confidence and left me a complete wreck for ages".

 

same situation, but two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES ON IT. and the different perspectives are all that matters.

Shockingly, I can relate to a lot of the things you mentioned above. However, while I have been spending more time 'alone', I'm not sitting in my room thinking about my ex. I'm happy being by myself, and occasionally spending time with my old folks and family.

 

I feel you with regards to the crushing effect of a break-up on our self-esteem. Trust me, I too experienced it. Working on it, still, as I speak. While you may see things from that perspective, believe me, there are women out there having it tough too.

 

For women like me, it isn't about the sex, or seeking a fleeting companionship. It's about finding a deep connection with another human being, and I personally am not able to participate in it until and unless I am healed from this past experience. (I find men annoying trying to do all the chasing knowing fully well that I am newly single and cannot even take care of my own emotions, what more dive into a new relationship with ANOTHER human being with his own set of emotions. Geez, no can do.)

 

But I understand where you're coming from. Why you'd think your ex probably didn't think too much about saying hi to you so casually. Probably if you have moved on and are in a fulfilling relationship, it wouldn't hurt you nor affect you that much. I can empathise with your feelings, and they're not entirely unfounded.

[WhiteTan]

Totally get that. I know you have to move on, and I get that, I have tried to.

 

I suppose what I was getting at with this whole thread is that the last time I spoke to her I actually told her "any contact with you, ANY WHATSOEVER, will delay my healing process. please respect my wishes and don't ever contact me again or ever speak to me again unless the contact is to say you want to get back together".

 

she then said to me "I understand you feel that way and I will respect your wishes. I won't contact you".

 

...and then she goes and says "hi" to me. I know it is just ONE WORD, but this is what people are getting at with breaking NC... even speaking to your ex for ONE SECOND can bring back painful memories that you were trying to suppress.

 

and she KNEW how I felt and she said to me "I will respect your wishes and not contact you for any reason" and yet SHE STILL DIDN'T DO IT, she broke NC if only for one second and it set me back a truckload.

 

I guess I am not looking for answers, just to vent about how careless ex's can be. I didn't put a timeframe on it like "contact me in a year to see if I can handle being your friend then", I said "NEVER contact me again".

 

I just think if she really cared she would have pretended she didnt she me, because she MUST HAVE KNOWN that saying "hi" to me and then walking away would SET ME BACK. she must have known... and yet she did it anyway. she deliberately hurt me.

 

That is why I am hurt. because she did not respect my wishes.

 

But I agree with everything else you have said. I will not send her the text saying "I didnt mean to say hi to you, please ignore me next time" cos it would look pathetic and give her an ego boost.

 

When you unexpectedly bump into eachother , NC kind of breaks itself and it's the "elephant in the room." at that point. She was responding to an awkward situation and probably didn't mean to go against your wishes.

 

If she starts sending you text messages or contacting you on facebook, definitely block her because that would be inconsiderate to your feelings. Other than that, it sounds like she is respecting what you want and at worst made a bad judgement call.

 

I'm sorry this has set you back but I am skeptical that the core issue here is her saying hi to you.

[Ordinaryday]

Ouch, I'm sorry about that.

 

I firmly believe that if it is that easy for someone to move on from you, then it probably means what you both had meant more to you than to the other person. And if so, then she's just not the right one for you.

 

 

Shockingly, I can relate to a lot of the things you mentioned above. However, while I have been spending more time 'alone', I'm not sitting in my room thinking about my ex. I'm happy being by myself, and occasionally spending time with my old folks and family.

 

I feel you with regards to the crushing effect of a break-up on our self-esteem. Trust me, I too experienced it. Working on it, still, as I speak. While you may see things from that perspective, believe me, there are women out there having it tough too.

 

For women like me, it isn't about the sex, or seeking a fleeting companionship. It's about finding a deep connection with another human being, and I personally am not able to participate in it until and unless I am healed from this past experience. (I find men annoying trying to do all the chasing knowing fully well that I am newly single and cannot even take care of my own emotions, what more dive into a new relationship with ANOTHER human being with his own set of emotions. Geez, no can do.)

 

But I understand where you're coming from. Why you'd think your ex probably didn't think too much about saying hi to you so casually. Probably if you have moved on and are in a fulfilling relationship, it wouldn't hurt you nor affect you that much. I can empathise with your feelings, and they're not entirely unfounded.

 

thank you for acknowledging my feelings are not unfounded. I KNOW I am kind of over-reacting, but I just don't see it that way. she and some people on this board here see it as her "being courteous and saying a meaningless hi before going on her way".

 

I see it as "the woman who tore my heart to shreds and left me a wreck does not even have enough respect for me to abide by the only request I ever made of her - that under no circumstances whatsoever is she to ever contact me IN ANY REGARD, unless that contact is to say 'I made a mistake and want you back'".

 

Yes, I will get over it. No, I won;t send her any pathetic text message. But I am allowed to hurt over what she did, saying "hi" as if I were an old school chum and not some guy she ripped to shreds.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

thank you for acknowledging my feelings are not unfounded. I KNOW I am kind of over-reacting, but I just don't see it that way. she and some people on this board here see it as her "being courteous and saying a meaningless hi before going on her way".

 

I see it as "the woman who tore my heart to shreds and left me a wreck does not even have enough respect for me to abide by the only request I ever made of her - that under no circumstances whatsoever is she to ever contact me IN ANY REGARD, unless that contact is to say 'I made a mistake and want you back'".

 

Yes, I will get over it. No, I won;t send her any pathetic text message. But I am allowed to hurt over what she did, saying "hi" as if I were an old school chum and not some guy she ripped to shreds.

 

Kinda overreacting?

 

I'm not going to lie, this thread has gone on well longer than it should have.

 

It meant nothing, you are making mountains out of molehills, and this doesnt change ANYTHING in your life.

 

Holding on to all of this anger isnt good at all. Perhaps a therapist is in order?

[Simon Phoenix]

Kinda overreacting?

 

I'm not going to lie, this thread has gone on well longer than it should have.

 

It meant nothing, you are making mountains out of molehills, and this doesnt change ANYTHING in your life.

 

Holding on to all of this anger isnt good at all. Perhaps a therapist is in order?

 

I was shocked it made it four posts, much less four pages.

[ayudorama]

thank you for acknowledging my feelings are not unfounded. I KNOW I am kind of over-reacting, but I just don't see it that way. she and some people on this board here see it as her "being courteous and saying a meaningless hi before going on her way".

 

I see it as "the woman who tore my heart to shreds and left me a wreck does not even have enough respect for me to abide by the only request I ever made of her - that under no circumstances whatsoever is she to ever contact me IN ANY REGARD, unless that contact is to say 'I made a mistake and want you back'".

 

Yes, I will get over it. No, I won;t send her any pathetic text message. But I am allowed to hurt over what she did, saying "hi" as if I were an old school chum and not some guy she ripped to shreds.

You seem to still be angry about this. See, if everything is a matter of perspective, then perhaps it is a good time to realign your perspectives and see this failed relationship in another way.

 

A few months after my BU, I was angry and in no uncertain terms did I make known to my family and friends that this man who left had damaged me. Your circumstances may have been different from mine, but the crux of the matter is, I was broken. A considerable number of months has passed since then, and this self-wallowing mentality has given way to a more constructive one. From "HE DAMAGED ME!" to "What better time to rebuild myself?" I started working on myself. Self-improvement. 9 1/2 months later, I stand where I am now because I confronted those feelings of self-pity and I stopped carrying the Victim placard and those feelings of resentment towards my ex gradually faded away.

 

The past is in the past. He used to matter to me, but now he doesn't. I remind myself this the second I get worked up.

 

I dare say that I am who I am now, an enhanced version of myself, thanks to the hit my self-esteem took, and the brutality of the manner in which my ex orchestrated the break-up.

 

At some point you need to let go of the resentment. Because our exes have long let go of us from their hearts. It's not about them anymore, never should have been.