Ordinaryday Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Well, after having absolute 100% NC with the ex for almost 18 I was kind of doing well. I had half-convinced myself she was dead and it was easier that way. and then tonight, completely out of the blue I walked past her in the city. the whole thing would have taken three seconds but she recognised me and said "Hi, OD...." and for a moment I did not recognise her so I said "HI" back before realizing what I had done! I had VOWED that if I ever bumped into her I would turn my head the other way and pretend I did not see her, and I would have but before I even recognised her she said "Hi OD" and I automatically said "hi" back, and only AFTER I had said Hi did I realise who she was. and by then it was all over, she was gone. I know people here are going to say it means nothing, forget about it, but this is really hurting me! The last time I spoke to her, 18 months ago, I made is 100% clear to her that things were over between us. we were not going to be "just friends" and that under no circumstances should she EVER contact me. I am really hurting, the fact that I said 'hi' back, she is now going to think that things are "cool" between us and that there are no hard feelings, when nothing is further from the truth. things are not cool and there are indeed hard feelings, but without realising it I have eased her conscience! I feel powerless! I want to text her saying "I said hi before I realised who you were, I didnt mean it. the next time you see me ignore me" but I know that would only make things worse! seriously, I am in pain here! has anything like this happened to you? what do I do?
notthathard Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Dont send that text. Learn some EFT Taping... Google it/YouTube it. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Nothing. It's no big deal. At the very least don't send that text. It comes off as extremely petty. But no harm done, just shrug it off and keep moving forward.
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Dont send that text. Learn some EFT Taping... Google it/YouTube it. Before being in a relationship I never understood why people got affected or hurt when their exes contacted them. but after being in one in which I was really hurt I finally understood. if there are hard feelings and resentment about the relationship, you feel that they have really wronged you. and for them to contact you even with a single "hi" well it comes across as insulting, as in "how DARE you act all innocent and say hi to me and act like you didn't cause me months of pain and act as if we are buddies. HOW DARE YOU!" And now I have inadvertently eased her conscience by saying 'hi' back! I feel completely powerless. 2
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Nothing. It's no big deal. At the very least don't send that text. It comes off as extremely petty. But no harm done, just shrug it off and keep moving forward. well I am certainly hurting so harm is done. and you know what I feel is the REAL harmful thing? EVERY ex I have ever had, every single one, has contacted me down the line after breaking up with me. sometimes it has taken years, but EACH AND EVERY ONE contacted me eventually with a breadcrumb to try and ease their conscience. and it felt SO GOOD to ignore their breadcrumbs as the silence sent a message back saying "things are not okay between us, don't speak to me". it felt SO GOOD not to ease their conscience. and I KNEW that one day I would hear from this one with a breadcrumb, I KNEW IT, and even tho I planned to ignore it I knew it would happen. and now without meaning to I have eased her conscience because the fact that I said "hi" back (automatically before I realised who she was, but she dont know that) means that she will be thinking things are okay between us and that she no longer has to feel guilty for treating me like dirt. and I certainly did not want that. 1
David87 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Well, after having absolute 100% NC with the ex for almost 18 I was kind of doing well. I had half-convinced myself she was dead and it was easier that way. and then tonight, completely out of the blue I walked past her in the city. the whole thing would have taken three seconds but she recognised me and said "Hi, OD...." and for a moment I did not recognise her so I said "HI" back before realizing what I had done! I had VOWED that if I ever bumped into her I would turn my head the other way and pretend I did not see her, and I would have but before I even recognised her she said "Hi OD" and I automatically said "hi" back, and only AFTER I had said Hi did I realise who she was. and by then it was all over, she was gone. I know people here are going to say it means nothing, forget about it, but this is really hurting me! The last time I spoke to her, 18 months ago, I made is 100% clear to her that things were over between us. we were not going to be "just friends" and that under no circumstances should she EVER contact me. I am really hurting, the fact that I said 'hi' back, she is now going to think that things are "cool" between us and that there are no hard feelings, when nothing is further from the truth. things are not cool and there are indeed hard feelings, but without realising it I have eased her conscience! I feel powerless! I want to text her saying "I said hi before I realised who you were, I didnt mean it. the next time you see me ignore me" but I know that would only make things worse! seriously, I am in pain here! has anything like this happened to you? what do I do? I think that after a certain period of time you have to stop being mean to them , in december I met with my ex from 2012 who hurt me alot, she said hi to me I responded the she gave a very nice smile,i did it because i forgave her. I don't think is something wrong to be polite and respond to a simpe "hi" 1
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I think that after a certain period of time you have to stop being mean to them , in december I met with my ex from 2012 who hurt me alot, she said hi to me I responded the she gave a very nice smile,i did it because i forgave her. I don't think is something wrong to be polite and respond to a simpe "hi" But that is the thing. I DON'T forgive her for what she did to me. even if things are over and I get over her I DON'T forgive her. not after what she did. and now she is going to think I have. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 well I am certainly hurting so harm is done. and you know what I feel is the REAL harmful thing? EVERY ex I have ever had, every single one, has contacted me down the line after breaking up with me. sometimes it has taken years, but EACH AND EVERY ONE contacted me eventually with a breadcrumb to try and ease their conscience. and it felt SO GOOD to ignore their breadcrumbs as the silence sent a message back saying "things are not okay between us, don't speak to me". it felt SO GOOD not to ease their conscience. and I KNEW that one day I would hear from this one with a breadcrumb, I KNEW IT, and even tho I planned to ignore it I knew it would happen. and now without meaning to I have eased her conscience because the fact that I said "hi" back (automatically before I realised who she was, but she dont know that) means that she will be thinking things are okay between us and that she no longer has to feel guilty for treating me like dirt. and I certainly did not want that. So you're saying there was no sex in the city? Get it..because of the sho.....nevermind Anyways, honestly, I dont think anything can be assumed by a simple "hi." She can probably think 900 things about it, but in the end, none of it really matters. In the course of life, does this really change anything? You guys aren't dating, you aren't involved in her life and vise versa....soooo I mean there really isnt much to think about here. I'd say in the overall range of what COULD have happened, you played it well. No harm....no foul.
David87 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 But that is the thing. I DON'T forgive her for what she did to me. even if things are over and I get over her I DON'T forgive her. not after what she did. and now she is going to think I have. Just ignore her then and DON'T send the text. 1
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Just ignore her then and DON'T send the text. Oh I am not going to send the text, it would look pathetic. and even though I admit I can be pathetic at times I do my best to hide it. but why do you say I should not send it?
David87 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Oh I am not going to send the text, it would look pathetic. and even though I admit I can be pathetic at times I do my best to hide it. but why do you say I should not send it? Because you will give her the impression that you still care, and you hate her, indifference is much stronger than hate. She doesn't need to know that you hate her. 3
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Oh I am not going to send the text, it would look pathetic. and even though I admit I can be pathetic at times I do my best to hide it. but why do you say I should not send it? Because of everything you were worried about before. Sending any text makes it look weak and still messed up by the situation. Do you want her to think you still care? Do you want her feel less guilty about what happened? Sending a text would do just that....even if its an anger text. Being indifferent is much better than showing any emotion. 2
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Because you will give her the impression that you still care, and you hate her, indifference is much stronger than hate. She doesn't need to know that you hate her. I don't hate her. her actions are not consistent with someone who is evil or nasty, they are consistent with someone who is mentally ill. I don't think she could help being nasty and mentally abusive to me, she is ill and that is all she knows. I don't hate her, but that doesn't mean I want anything to do with her. I once read somewhere on the internet, something like "it is really easy for the dumper to say 'let's just be friends' because they are the one not emotionally invested in a relationship. being friends is easy for them'. I feel the same way. saying "hi" was easy for her, and she did not realise how much it would hurt me. and that really hurts. I feel that if she cared about me AT ALL then she would have turned her head the other way, pretended she didnt see me and walked past me. that way I would not have even noticed her. THAT, not saying "hi", would have been the 'nice' thing to do.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I don't hate her. her actions are not consistent with someone who is evil or nasty, they are consistent with someone who is mentally ill. I don't think she could help being nasty and mentally abusive to me, she is ill and that is all she knows. I don't hate her, but that doesn't mean I want anything to do with her. I once read somewhere on the internet, something like "it is really easy for the dumper to say 'let's just be friends' because they are the one not emotionally invested in a relationship. being friends is easy for them'. I feel the same way. saying "hi" was easy for her, and she did not realise how much it would hurt me. and that really hurts. I feel that if she cared about me AT ALL then she would have turned her head the other way, pretended she didnt see me and walked past me. that way I would not have even noticed her. THAT, not saying "hi", would have been the 'nice' thing to do. I think you are WAY overthinking this. You are putting ideas, actions, and words into her mouth. You are overanayzling a lot here based on a two letter word. Looking at the greater picture, all she said was "hi" <-----Thats it. Just two letters. You are trying to find 900 different reasons as to her intentions and her interpretation of you saying "hi" back, when she might have just SAW you and just wanted to say hi lol. I think you better let sleeping dogs lie. 1
David87 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I don't hate her. her actions are not consistent with someone who is evil or nasty, they are consistent with someone who is mentally ill. I don't think she could help being nasty and mentally abusive to me, she is ill and that is all she knows. I don't hate her, but that doesn't mean I want anything to do with her. I once read somewhere on the internet, something like "it is really easy for the dumper to say 'let's just be friends' because they are the one not emotionally invested in a relationship. being friends is easy for them'. I feel the same way. saying "hi" was easy for her, and she did not realise how much it would hurt me. and that really hurts. I feel that if she cared about me AT ALL then she would have turned her head the other way, pretended she didnt see me and walked past me. that way I would not have even noticed her. THAT, not saying "hi", would have been the 'nice' thing to do. Im sorry that she hurt you so bad, I don't understand how they could be so cold ... It's mest up.
Fufu Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Well, after having absolute 100% NC with the ex for almost 18 I was kind of doing well. I had half-convinced myself she was dead and it was easier that way. and then tonight, completely out of the blue I walked past her in the city. the whole thing would have taken three seconds but she recognised me and said "Hi, OD...." and for a moment I did not recognise her so I said "HI" back before realizing what I had done! I had VOWED that if I ever bumped into her I would turn my head the other way and pretend I did not see her, and I would have but before I even recognised her she said "Hi OD" and I automatically said "hi" back, and only AFTER I had said Hi did I realise who she was. and by then it was all over, she was gone. I know people here are going to say it means nothing, forget about it, but this is really hurting me! The last time I spoke to her, 18 months ago, I made is 100% clear to her that things were over between us. we were not going to be "just friends" and that under no circumstances should she EVER contact me. I am really hurting, the fact that I said 'hi' back, she is now going to think that things are "cool" between us and that there are no hard feelings, when nothing is further from the truth. things are not cool and there are indeed hard feelings, but without realising it I have eased her conscience! I feel powerless! I want to text her saying "I said hi before I realised who you were, I didnt mean it. the next time you see me ignore me" but I know that would only make things worse! seriously, I am in pain here! has anything like this happened to you? what do I do? You are being way too hard on yourself. You just reply "hi" without realising it's your ex, it's not a big messed up thing you had done over here. Relax.. Doesn't matter if you have ease her conscience. You are already out of her life... it's more about you than what you have to think about her. Sending that text you are just going to show her how sad and miserable that you can't get over this relationship. Don't do it.
WhiteTan Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 If you would have ignored her, it would've looked pathetic and made it obvious that you're still hung up on her. Maybe you are but that doesn't mean you need to stroke her ego by making it blatantly obvious. I would understand you disengaging yourself if she were to strike up a conversation but all she did was say hi and go on with her night. I wouldn't even say she "contacted" you. You bumped into eachother and she acknowledged you to be polite, that's all there is to it. Keep doing what you're doing and stop harboring so much anger, it's gonna hold you back from moving forward. Good luck! 2
organizedchaos Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 If you would have ignored her, it would've looked pathetic and made it obvious that you're still hung up on her. Maybe you are but that doesn't mean you need to stroke her ego by making it blatantly obvious. I would understand you disengaging yourself if she were to strike up a conversation but all she did was say hi and go on with her night. I wouldn't even say she "contacted" you. You bumped into eachother and she acknowledged you to be polite, that's all there is to it. Keep doing what you're doing and stop harboring so much anger, it's gonna hold you back from moving forward. Good luck! Agreed. It was just a simple "hi" and op is overanalyzing how this MAY have eased her conscience. Which he has no idea if that's how she interpreted it!
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I think you are WAY overthinking this. You are putting ideas, actions, and words into her mouth. You are overanayzling a lot here based on a two letter word. Looking at the greater picture, all she said was "hi" <-----Thats it. Just two letters. You are trying to find 900 different reasons as to her intentions and her interpretation of you saying "hi" back, when she might have just SAW you and just wanted to say hi lol. I think you better let sleeping dogs lie. the thing is though I MADE IT CLEAR to her the last time I 'officially' spoke to her 18 months ago that things were FINAL between us - we were not going to be 'friends' or even 'friendly', I made it clear that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER should she contact me, no ifs, buts or maybes. Obviously that includes something as 'minor' as saying hi. She KNEW she was going against my wishes and she did it anyway. that is so rude and hurtful.
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 It comes down to this: if someone treats you like dirt and breaks your heart and then is told in no uncertain terms by the other person "don't EVER contact me again under any circumstances" then WHAT, WHAT gives them the right to say "hi" to that person? It relates to something I read on this board a few months ago - someone wrote something saying that a lot of dumpers were egocentric, they COULD NOT see that the dumpee might have a different view/opinion of things than they do. So, down the line when the dumper is all good and happy again and feels 'content' about what happened they don't see any problem in breaking NC with a useless breadcrumb because they are at peace with what happened and they never even question for a moment that the dumpee might not be... that the dumpee might have a different view of things to them. I find that so insulting, rude and egotistical, that she was INCAPABLE of realising that I might have a different opinion of things to her and that even though I said "dont ever contact me again" she assumes that I "didn't really mean it" or something.
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 and there were strong feelings of resentment on your part? I never understood when I have heard people say things like "I am still friends with my ex" and "we still hang out" and all that... I can maybe kinda understand if it was a 100% mutual break up but if it wasn't and they broke up with you there will be feelings of resentment and hurt on your part. I just don't see how it is possible to have a 'friendship' with someone like this. I occasionally get messaged by exes who dumped me, useless meaningless comments like "Hi OD, how are you? How did you end up going on your thesis? get a good result? all the best. your ex" and all I can think is "You dumped me, caused me untold emotional trauma and distress, left me in a terribly fragile emotional state and didn't do a thing to help me and now, eight months later, you are contacting me TO SEE HOW MY UNIVERSITY STUDIES ARE GOING? Are you serious?!?!?!!?" I have that kind of thinking whenever an ex contacts me. I have also heard people say "oh I work with my ex so I have to be her friend by saying hi at work" and my response to that is "that is not true friendship, that is enforced social politeness". So, is it possible to have a true no-strings attached friendship with an ex who really hurt you then dumped you? I say no, but what say you?
fixing Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 NO. Not unless you enjoy the feeling of breaking up with her every minute of the day. Masochists maybe enjoy it i suppose. 5
Fangorn Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 NO. Not unless you enjoy the feeling of breaking up with her every minute of the day. Masochists maybe enjoy it i suppose. This. Fixing always dispenses excellent advice. Exes that dump you but want to remain friends are keeping you around for emotional support and self validation. In my own experience I had an ex from quite some time ago that I was 'friends' with, I always assumed we were, I felt no romantic feelings for her anymore and I assume she held none for me either (though there was that one incident). It turned into a case of I wouldn't hear from her for months then out of the blue there would be a huge message about how she misses me and how we should meet up, etc. I grew tired of this, realised it always coincided with a break up and just told her that I could no longer be bothered. Either I'm your friend and you treat me as such, or I'm not so don't bother. 3
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 This. Fixing always dispenses excellent advice. Exes that dump you but want to remain friends are keeping you around for emotional support and self validation. In my own experience I had an ex from quite some time ago that I was 'friends' with, I always assumed we were, I felt no romantic feelings for her anymore and I assume she held none for me either (though there was that one incident). It turned into a case of I wouldn't hear from her for months then out of the blue there would be a huge message about how she misses me and how we should meet up, etc. I grew tired of this, realised it always coincided with a break up and just told her that I could no longer be bothered. Either I'm your friend and you treat me as such, or I'm not so don't bother. That is why I am an advocate of 100% NC, no exceptions. I posted about this yesterday. Last nite I was walking thru the city and out of the blue I walked past my ex, she saw me and simply said "Hi, OD" and then kept walking. that is it. Nothing more, nothing less. I KNOW it should mean nothing but simply seeing her and her saying "hi" to me has caused me untold stress and pain from last nite and opened up my mind to all sorts of questions and worries - "why did she say hi? what is she implying? does she want to be my friend? why didn't she ignore me? what is going on? does this mean she wants to be friends again? why couldnt she have just ignored me?" and so on. Honestly, I wish I never saw her, or she had enough respect for me to just ignore me! 1
pickflicker Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I suppose anything is possible, but given the unlimited potential to meet new people, I don't see the point.
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