Still hurting after 30 years

[Raven3321]

I tried to post this a few months ago but it was too hard. I'm attempting again. I'll start with a disclaimer that the betrayal wasn't recent as my title attests to and I haven't seen my ex in 20+ years. The main reason I'm writing this is because I've read where others say it was cathartic for them to write it out. As I'm still kind of dealing with it, I want to see if this helps.

 

Here goes..........

 

I met the love of my life my freshman year in college. I mean I was smitten, head over heels. Over the first few months of our relationship, I got the distinct impression that she wasn't as in love with me as I was with her. I guess my ego got the best of me as she couldn't possibly "not" love me. After all I was a UCLA football player.....stupid ego. After a few years, there was a brief break-up of about a week where she admitted later she kissed a much older man who worked near her.

 

Fast forward 4 years. We're still together and decide one month before I graduate to elope. We get married at some run-down chapel and we're off. The relationship has always been somewhat rocky but the sex was great. After about 8 months I'm driving her to class as she's still in college. We get into an argument about 2 friends of ours who were engaged to be married. The girl cheated and ended up with the OM's baby. My wife made the comment during this "discussion" that if a woman kisses a man she's going to go all the way. I of course thought that was ridiculous. I say "You kissed ______ and didn't go all the way". There was a long silence and my guts started twisting as I realized what was coming next.

 

Apparently, during that week break, she started seeing this guy. Had it stopped there, I think I would have been fine eventually. However, I found out she had been sleeping with him the entire time we were engaged which was a year. I also strongly suspect she got pregnant by him. During that time, she had me drop her off at a female clinic and refused to discuss anything about it. I believe she aborted the baby.

 

After she told me, I was beyond devastated. She had done lots of disrespectful things during our relationship....this was the last straw. I told her I was leaving her. She however, didn't have a job and no other support. So I waited till she was employed 8 months later then left. I was gone for 2 weeks had a change of heart, then tried to reconcile. Found out that in the weeks leading up to my departure, she got cozy with a guy at work. The night I left, she hooked up with him. This betrayal was worse than the one before. The previous one she did behind my back but this one she did in front of me. One night I came over, and was trying to talk her into giving us another chance. I noticed during the discussion she was dolling up, putting on makeup and so forth. I said "where are you going?" She said on a date with OM#2 then back to his place. I lost it. Just then he called. I got on the phone and very nicely told him to back off cause I was trying to reconcile with my wife. He told me he didn't care. She then left for her date.

 

I was so furious. I waited at the apartment complex in a place I knew he would need to drop her off. I had a crowbar from my car. I'm not a violent man......I've never even been in a fight in my life. That night I was going to kill him and I knew it. God intervened. Somehow He got my wife to have her OM drop her off 2 blocks away and she walked into the complex another way. My wife was a type A, in your face kinda gal. That she did that was significant. Anyway, my attempts at reconciliation failed and I let her go. She was in that relationship for a year. 4 years later she called me and we talked. She finally saw the guy for what he was. Apparently, all he did was go after married women who's marriages were in trouble. She felt like a fool. She re-married a few years after that and that marriage only lasted a year. She called one last time after that to say she was sorry and that she screwed up. I haven't talked to her since the mid-90's.

 

Today, I'm re-married now for 12 years and separated for 4. It's been a pretty bad marriage from the start. I've been analyzing how I got in this mess and I've come to the conclusion I married the same woman again....just a different name, different face. Only difference is she hasn't cheated that I know of.

 

Well that's it. Sorry for the novel but I wanted to get all out. No question to speak of. However, I still feel the pain of the betrayals from the first wife. I guess what I'm asking from you, is whether you ever actually heal from infidelity? It doesn't seem I have. Thanks in advance for your comments.

[experiencethedevine]

I am genuinely sorry for the anguish you have suffered over the years Raven. That is a very difficult way to live your life, with shadows always at your back, and I commend you for finding the strength to put it into the written word. That in itself takes considerable effort, to transfer ones feelings to the cold light of ink.

 

 

I wonder, have you ever had counselling for yourself? It might be something to investigate in consideration of your musings here if you have not. It could be beneficial to you.

 

 

Your maturity and considered self awareness will hopefully stand you in good stead for the future, and I sincerely hope you find peace and happiness with someone who respects you.

[Raven3321]

I am genuinely sorry for the anguish you have suffered over the years Raven. That is a very difficult way to live your life, with shadows always at your back, and I commend you for finding the strength to put it into the written word. That in itself takes considerable effort, to transfer ones feelings to the cold light of ink.

 

 

I wonder, have you ever had counselling for yourself? It might be something to investigate in consideration of your musings here if you have not. It could be beneficial to you.

 

 

Your maturity and considered self awareness will hopefully stand you in good stead for the future, and I sincerely hope you find peace and happiness with someone who respects you.

 

I don't cry often but your post was heartfelt and almost made me tear up. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words. I guess I will look into counseling. Been fighting it but I think that's the best option now. Thanks again.

[tiredofitall2]

I think most people do, but you seem to be struggling with this a lot. Gt some professional help. It will do you a lot of good. I think for you it is an ego thing.

 

It is for most men, but once we move on and find a woman that will cherish us we realize we are still cared for and wanted.

 

Why hasn't this happen for you? Are you in a R right now? You have been alone for 4 years. Find a good woman that can love you for who you are.

 

But above all love yourself.

[Raven3321]

I think most people do, but you seem to be struggling with this a lot. Gt some professional help. It will do you a lot of good. I think for you it is an ego thing.

 

It is for most men, but once we move on and find a woman that will cherish us we realize we are still cared for and wanted.

 

Why hasn't this happen for you? Are you in a R right now? You have been alone for 4 years. Find a good woman that can love you for who you are.

 

But above all love yourself.

 

Thanks. No R. I'm doing the weekend dad thing because we have a child. But there's no spark at least for me. She killed that years ago by her overbearing and demanding persona coupled with a touch of crazy. She left, I'm done.

 

Someday, I will find someone who loves me for me. For right now, I'm fine being single. I see now why some older people never marry again.

[tiredofitall2]

Thanks. No R. I'm doing the weekend dad thing because we have a child. But there's no spark at least for me. She killed that years ago by her overbearing and demanding persona coupled with a touch of crazy. She left, I'm done.

 

Someday, I will find someone who loves me for me. For right now, I'm fine being single. I see now why some older people never marry again.

 

4 years just seems like a long time for me, but that's just me. If that works for you that's awesome, but I need a woman if you know what I mean lol

 

But the physical and emotional are 2 different aspects. As long as you are emotionally OK that is great and yes, your children should be above all. I commend you for it!!!! Well done.....

[painfullyobvious]

Go see a marriage or relationship specialist. You are recycling the same people and my guess you are reenacting some internal issues that you could address in counseling. I used to date users of people, over aggressive/confrontational people and emotionally needy people. With some reflection and breaking that cycle by noticing the warning signs, I learned to pick up signs of bad choices for me and to notice better choices for me. Sometimes you have to think with your mind and not just go after someone because they fit some external criteria that most use to find love.

[harrybrown]

If you are separated for 4 years, why do you not divorce?

[experiencethedevine]

I don't cry often but your post was heartfelt and almost made me tear up. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words. I guess I will look into counseling. Been fighting it but I think that's the best option now. Thanks again.

 

 

 

 

 

My dear man, your life will change dramatically one day I am convinced of it.

 

 

I truly feel that with guidance from the right person you will find sunshine again. Have faith.

 

 

Do keep us updated.

 

 

My sincere best wishes to you.

[Raven3321]

If you are separated for 4 years, why do you not divorce?

 

Good question. She filed 3 years ago but half way through found out that if she does, she loses medical, dental, and vision through my job. She has no benefits and doesn't work. So instead she filed legal separation. They gave her half effectively leaving us both financially destroyed. She toys with the idea of part time work from time to time but she doesn't want to work. She's never kept a job more than a year since I married her, even before we had a child. Had all this happened before we had a kid, I'd be done with her and that would be it. But if I screw her, I screw my child. I can't do that. If I have to suck it up until the kid is off to college, I will. Hope not but you do what you have to do.

[Spark1111]

Good question. She filed 3 years ago but half way through found out that if she does, she loses medical, dental, and vision through my job. She has no benefits and doesn't work. So instead she filed legal separation. They gave her half effectively leaving us both financially destroyed. She toys with the idea of part time work from time to time but she doesn't want to work. She's never kept a job more than a year since I married her, even before we had a child. Had all this happened before we had a kid, I'd be done with her and that would be it. But if I screw her, I screw my child. I can't do that. If I have to suck it up until the kid is off to college, I will. Hope not but you do what you have to do.

 

She doesn't work because she doesn't have to. You are enabling here. You could move for divorce. Alimony is no longer forever.

 

Is your child in school full time?

 

And no offense, you seem to choose Type A unstable, high-drama women who kind of jerk you around.

 

Why do you allow it? Why do you miss or mourn your first wife? She sounds like a serial cheater.

 

Counseling would help you see why you keep making such self-destructive choices in partners. it would help you find your voice. It would help you heal so you can find a partner worthy of you.

 

The stronger, happier, more confident you become, the better a parent you will be for your child.

[drifter777]

Good question. She filed 3 years ago but half way through found out that if she does, she loses medical, dental, and vision through my job. She has no benefits and doesn't work. So instead she filed legal separation. They gave her half effectively leaving us both financially destroyed. She toys with the idea of part time work from time to time but she doesn't want to work. She's never kept a job more than a year since I married her, even before we had a child. Had all this happened before we had a kid, I'd be done with her and that would be it. But if I screw her, I screw my child. I can't do that. If I have to suck it up until the kid is off to college, I will. Hope not but you do what you have to do.

I hope you aren't throwing away these valuable years because you don't want to continue providing for this woman. You can keep your child on your health insurance, right?

 

Please do not resist counseling any longer. Its not what you think it is and you will get help if you are willing to work on healing.

[Just_AGuy]

Do you really think she called you to apologize or to say she is sorry? No. She called you only to check up on you. Are you available? Are you the one she can harbor with for a month or a year until she finds somebody who attracts her more. Or even she called you just because she wanted to fak with ur mind.

 

From what you wrote I can't call your wife a whore. Because of all decent whores around that would be insulted by that.

[beach]

Good question. She filed 3 years ago but half way through found out that if she does, she loses medical, dental, and vision through my job. She has no benefits and doesn't work. So instead she filed legal separation. They gave her half effectively leaving us both financially destroyed. She toys with the idea of part time work from time to time but she doesn't want to work. She's never kept a job more than a year since I married her, even before we had a child. Had all this happened before we had a kid, I'd be done with her and that would be it. But if I screw her, I screw my child. I can't do that. If I have to suck it up until the kid is off to college, I will. Hope not but you do what you have to do.

 

You can move to getting the divorce final. No more legal separation.

 

If she needs insurance - let her figure out how to provide for herself.

 

Keep your child on your insurance.

 

Find out why you choose terrible women.

 

Stop being a doormat for these women.

[Raven3321]

Good stuff. I'm kinda just taking it all in and thinking on all of your responses. Thank you for the tough love though. I need it.

[beach]

Good stuff. I'm kinda just taking it all in and thinking on all of your responses. Thank you for the tough love though. I need it.

 

What can you change about yourself to improve your situation?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Instead of asking yourself why she did what she did, or why she made the choices to hurt you and why this continues to hurt you today...

 

Instead ask yourself why you allowed someone to do this to you, and yet still...continue down a path of self-destruction.

 

"Over the first few months of our relationship, I got the distinct impression that she wasn't as in love with me as I was with her. I guess my ego got the best of me as she couldn't possibly "not" love me."

 

People are more instinctive than they give themselves credit for, your gut feeling is extremely accurate you almost always know what is best for you or what the reality really is...the problem is they don't listen, they don't listen to themselves because they believe for one reason or another that they either have the obligation or desire to "win" or achieve this acceptance or validation by reaching this imaginary goal of accomplishment, that in some way this will bring them "happiness" but it never does, not completely...but you are determined regardless to succeed/change or manipulate the reality it to something you desire or would accept.

 

I know people put themselves into temporary positions of fulfillment and partial despair, because they fully accept that outcome....for the time being, but it catches up to you in the end and doesn't achieve the high and security you anticipate it would.

 

You seem like someone who may play the victim consistently, all the while knowing the consequences of your actions...an impulsive desire however overwhelms you and compels you to continue forward...a mixture of denial and ego.

 

You've got to really focus on what you're doing yourself, rather than what others do for you...and take responsibility for that. I see people always eager to point the finger or blame someone else for their pain and suffering but chances are you didn't walk away when you should have, and there were multiple times...again and again, in which you stayed, and that's because you can't do what is needed...you lack the self-control, you lack the ability to take ownership for your own responsibility and accountability to what YOU allow yourself to essentially go with...because you set the bar, you determine the "standard", if you stay with someone like this it is not a question of just them, but a question of you and why you allow it...nobody forces a gun to your head and "love" is not the scapegoat you can use to glaze over all of your personal issues in one simple phrase/excuse.

 

This woman obviously feeds off your dependability, she knows you are the kind of guy that sticks around...some women will use a guy like you as a safe base in order to pursue their romantic endeavors that are wild and unpredictable and in themselves self-destructive...you see, as self-destructive that your behavior is in allowing yourself to being a victim to this, is the same sense of self-destructive she feels in allowing herself to be the victim to other men and other romantic relationship that satiate her personal issues....just like you, so everyone is just essentially doing what they think they need...because can only hold on and self-contain themselves until it boils over, then they revert into cyclical and self-destructive behavior that never gives them the peace of mind they strive for but is essentially and outlet to getting some of those needs met.

 

So you need to understand yourself and why you really do these things and really separate that from what "she has done to you" because in essence you have done this to yourself...you made the choices, you stayed in this limbo for 30 years, you couldn't walk away...where does that come from? look deeper towards your childhood and your relationships with people who have molded you during that phase, as that is where most people carry their issues from amazingly enough...it seems ridiculous but most of the issues people have manifest from issues they've been dealing with eons ago but never really resolved with the right people or within themselves.

 

So this is really a sign you need to invest more on working on yourself, because you can't change anyone but yourself...if you fix you, you fix the issues you have with other people because then those self-destructive emotions or tendencies won't be so magnetic to you...and now that you have a child, you have the responsibility to sort out your issues, lest you channel them unto them...because children learn what is right or wrong, the "standard" based on what you do not what you say, kids watch carefully and learn based on your behavior and relationship with your SO...so do your best to provide stability and example by doing not saying, you've got to man up to a degree and start taking control of your life and understanding your feelings...if it takes seeing a counselor, therapist then do it...do what you need to do, don't just think and not react when you know you are supposed to.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Raven you've started the work with your opening post on here but I can tell there is still so much more your holding inside. Keep writing on here if you need to but to yourself, and to both ex wives. Tell them your thoughts your anger your pain and release it. These aren't letters to be sent, at least not now, they are for you. Journaling can be very healing. Talking to someone would be good but I don't know if your ready yet it's harder for men to reach out. When your ready I think you'll be surprised how quickly the change will take place. I can only tell you I hear the pain and the buried hurt in your letter, holding it inside is hurting you. Write it down and let it go.

[beach]

I think it still hurts because you haven't taken steps and contrary action to set things right.

 

Being the victim may be the role you are familiar with - gaining some strength and power would help you feel you are participating in a more balanced way.

 

What would that look like for you? What changes can you make?

[Raven3321]

Raven you've started the work with your opening post on here but I can tell there is still so much more your holding inside. Keep writing on here if you need to but to yourself, and to both ex wives. Tell them your thoughts your anger your pain and release it. These aren't letters to be sent, at least not now, they are for you. Journaling can be very healing. Talking to someone would be good but I don't know if your ready yet it's harder for men to reach out. When your ready I think you'll be surprised how quickly the change will take place. I can only tell you I hear the pain and the buried hurt in your letter, holding it inside is hurting you. Write it down and let it go.

 

Thanks Cat. I heard journaling helps. I'll take your suggestion. I'm also scheduling counseling too.

[Jenga]

It was really brave of you to come on here and write out your thoughts and feelings, I'm sure that took a lot of courage. I hope you don't stop there, and make a plan of action to deal with and sort through these issues so you can feel less burdened by them over time. What is your plan? Have you contacted a therapist, looked into any books, talked to anyone about this stuff? I respect you for taking the first step and wish you the best.

[Raven3321]

I think it still hurts because you haven't taken steps and contrary action to set things right.

 

Being the victim may be the role you are familiar with - gaining some strength and power would help you feel you are participating in a more balanced way.

 

What would that look like for you? What changes can you make?

 

Well I'm almost finished with "No More Mr Nice Guy". Great book. I decided a while ago to stop just doing things for someone else but start doing thing I like. I've always been an aviation buff so I'm looking into getting my sport pilot's license. Spending more time with guys is helping too. Even though everyone thought I was a jock most of my life, I was always an introvert/loner. Never wanted to be but now I've embraced it as how I'm made. Don't get me wrong, I can be an alpha when I need to be, but I've tended to be very beta with women....or at least strong willed women. Also, the victim thing I agree with to a degree. I'm well aware of my failings in staying in a toxic relationship. That being said, I'm far from perfect. (kissed a few girls during the first marriage) It just always been hard for me to quit anything even when it's obvious it's time too. I tend to keep trying at it or try harder. I don't like to fail.

[beach]

There is only failure when you refuse to accept the evidence of what is real.

 

Learning from errors has value.

 

Now you can take action. You know the M is over - so file for divorce.