H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I am in desperate need of advice and needing to vent. I broke up with my ex last Monday around 2am after reading a highly inappropriate FB convo between her and another man that was grounds for ending the relationship. She said it was a staged convo to see if I would check her messages because she thought I was snooping around her FB. I only did it that one night because something felt shady about her from earlier in the day. I never got an apology for what she did and I am heartbroken that I had to end it because it broke trust. We are still friends on FB and a post showed on my news feed that she's leaving for Arizona next week. She still owes me $5k, and I feel like a worthless piece of crap because I invested so much and feel like I'm the one that lost it all. This was the 3rd breakup during the 7-8 months we were together. All I want to do is sit at the bar and drink water just so I'm not home alone right now... I just wish I would have gotten answers as to why she did what she did. Or at least fight for me. She just walked away for the 3rd time without looking back... Any love or advice or anything would be greatly appreciated right now. I feel like sitting in the corner crying.
legion113 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I am in desperate need of advice and needing to vent. I broke up with my ex last Monday around 2am after reading a highly inappropriate FB convo between her and another man that was grounds for ending the relationship. She said it was a staged convo to see if I would check her messages because she thought I was snooping around her FB. I only did it that one night because something felt shady about her from earlier in the day. I never got an apology for what she did and I am heartbroken that I had to end it because it broke trust. We are still friends on FB and a post showed on my news feed that she's leaving for Arizona next week. She still owes me $5k, and I feel like a worthless piece of crap because I invested so much and feel like I'm the one that lost it all. This was the 3rd breakup during the 7-8 months we were together. All I want to do is sit at the bar and drink water just so I'm not home alone right now... I just wish I would have gotten answers as to why she did what she did. Or at least fight for me. She just walked away for the 3rd time without looking back... Any love or advice or anything would be greatly appreciated right now. I feel like sitting in the corner crying. Staged my ass....she didn't fight for you because she was already cheating on you, she has another man to run to. Get your money back. Keep you chin up dude, YOU didn't do anything wrong, she did. 5
futureswimmer Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 How did you end up reading her convo? Did she leave her laptop noticeably open for you to stumble on it and read it?
Author H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 She had an account on my PC when we lived together and she left her FB auto logged in.
AnyaNova Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 She had an account on my PC when we lived together and she left her FB auto logged in. Sweet man, you were the victim of a passive dumper. She didnt have the courage to tell you herself, so she set it up for you to find it, so that you would end it. Grieve the loss of what you thought you had with her but never truly did, get over this train wreck so you can find someone who truly loves you! 3
Author H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 That's the hard part to this whole thing. We had our troubles and when we got back together after breakups, things were so much stronger between us. She said she loved me and wouldn't do anything or say anything to hurt me. In the end I was left hurt and feeling abandoned. She's 25 and I' m 30. I guess she just doesn't know what she wants in her life....I just wish I could have been part of it as I still love her. 1
JDPT Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Be strong my friend. Sounds like your relationship was doomed/toxic from The beginning. Focus on what lead to the demise. And internalize the fact that things will eventually work themselves out with a lot of effort. The pain will indeed subside, don't rush the process and embrace the experience 1
Author H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Everyone has told me that it was a toxic relationship. I guess I was just so in love with her to walk away from the situation when I should have a long time ago. I hate that I let myself get like this over someone who I broke up with 3 times now in 7-8 months 1
Author H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 To clarify my last statement, we broke up 3 times between her doing it or me. I've also ended up taking a personal day from work today because I have gotten maybe only 2 hours of sleep. I ended up sitting at the bar last night drinking water and talking to the bartender I know about my issues. I know I have to text her today regarding getting my money back that is owed. I wonder if it's worth also seeing if we could talk about what happened between us and find out the exact reason why she did what she did last week. Though at this stage with her leaving for another state for an undetermined amount of time, this may not be worth it to get into. I just want answers and closure as to what happened between us.
FortunateSon Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Get your money back ASAP, then move on and forget about her! 3
Author H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Well I broke NC today to ask her about the money she owes me. She is still waiting for severance check from her old job to give to me. I ended up breaking down and asked if we could sit down and talk about what happened last week. She said she wasn't going to try and justify herself and that she would have been fine talking about it at first but now she doesn't care anymore. I ended up leaving a sappy text to her that I know won't get a response. It basically said that I hope one day we could talk about what went wrong between us. Told her how much I loved her and how I never wanted things to end the way they did. I would have preferred to say that in person but I had to settle for text because she doesn't want to see me. I don't understand how someone who says they love you every day can quickly not care in one weeks time...
894hjk Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I looked at my bf's phone sat night for the first time and found an inappropriate convo between him and a lady 20 yrs his senior. I had suspected something. I went mental. I told him I wanted space. I know how much it hurts. If they try to make an effort to get back then u know they still want you but u have to decide what you want to. Xx
stillafool Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I don't understand how someone who says they love you every day can quickly not care in one weeks time... That's because she doesn't care. If she were remorseful she would understand your anger and would be trying to make it right. Her excuse of a "staged conversation" is pure crap and she knows it. She has another man and this was her easy way out. Get your money back even if you have to take her to court. She is full of it! 2
Author H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 All my friends have been saying that. She told her best friend it was a test in trust. But what would set her off to do something like that? Even the best friend said something wasn't matching up the more she heard about this test. I don't even know how to start moving on. I was at the gym yesterday and I didn't feel any better. Today I've just been laying in bed with no desire to do anything at all. Is this a sign of me being depressed? 1
stillafool Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Yes and it's normal to feel the way you do. She broke your heart. 1
Author H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Well she just texted me about some stuff she left in one of my closests she wants to pickup tonight. She also wanted to drop by the local bar we play trivia at to say bye to some friends before she leaves the state. I was planning on going tonight to meet some friends and hang out and play. Not entirely sure if I should go now. My one guy friend told me to man up and go and if it sucks we will go somewhere else.
Lizzay03 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I doubt she was telling the truth when she told you it was a staged break up specially if she didn't fight for you at all, eventually you will someone much better than her. Get your money back and start getting yourself together! You deserve a lot better whether or not you realize it right now! 1
headinthecloud Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 You never need to "test" trust in a healthy RS. Either you trust them or you don't. Being forthcoming is part of a healthy RS. You were dumped - she was cheating on you and forced you to end things. I'm sorry this happened but you did seem to have a very toxic RS with her. Clear out her things and mail them to her or give hem to a friend to deliver to her. Do not meet her! You are very vulnerable right now, don't be a doormat. Get your $$ back too - you may have to go to court so dont be affraid if you have to. You should not have sent that sappy text. Go NC now. Read the links in my signature, they'll help you start your healing process. You can also checkout Breakup Recovery Guide - it helped me through some bad days. You will get through this so be strong. You deserve better. And when you find her, you'll never feel the need to checkup on her on FB or look through her phone. Trust is built through love and respect. 1
fixing Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) Hey man. Sorry for your pain. Im with you though, i know EXACTLY how you feel. You did the right thing bud, chin up! Mines similiar, with my ex for 1.5 years. Trusted her 100% with all other male 'friends'. She came back from a wedding, and was cold, distant. I put up with it all week, while she constantly facebooked someone. We shared laptops, and i logged into facebook to see it was hers logged in still. I noticed a 'kiss'. The first and ONLY time i snooped and boooooom, she was relishing and reminiscing with this guy she met at the wedding, they had multiple sex i think. Kicked her ass out at 3 a.m and she never looked back. She didnt give a ****e. Havent spoke to her since, that was 14 months ago. So, realise this, she is a cheating dirty little whore, a loser, a person of no class, and no values. You are very lucky to have discovered it now. Dont feel down, you are the one who got wronged here!!! She's the skanky slut. Dont agonize over the 'whys, the hows' she doesnt care and is probably already cheating on her next man, light a candle for him in your nearest church and get back out there and date again! Edited January 8, 2014 by fixing 3
Author H245 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Hey everyone. Unfortunately I saw these messages too late. I ended up going to trivia and saw her, but we were on different teams which helped a bit. She texted me right after trivia was over to tell me when I was leaving so she could get her things. I said I was ready now but she already had a beer and was talking to some dude that was on her team, but would be ready once beer was done. I ended up going to another bar with some friends because I didn't need to see her talkng to another guy. I texted my one friend that stayed behind to see if she was getting ready to leave and he said she was still talking to the guy. I texted and said what's the deal and she responded that she will schedule a more appropriate time and she didn't she I was waiting for her. Told her I did not want to drag this out and she said she understood and again would schedule a more appropriate time. I never responded because I was livid that I was supposed to be on her schedule. My friends and I saw her walk by the bar we were in and she even saw us and kept on walking. At that point I realized that she is nothing more than a child at 25. So now I'm meeting her tonight to give her stuff back and she will give me half of what she owes me since she is waiting for her severance pay from old job still. She told me the last thing she wants to do is owe me anything. I like how she is trying to spin it like this whole thing was my fault. I have no idea what to even think
Chi townD Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Curious. I'm wondering about this "set up" Facebook conversation with this OM. Is this OM from Arizona? Sorry dude. That wasn't a set up. She was cheating on you. I don't know any guy that would want talk sexually to some girl as "a joke" or "a test". It would just feel awkward. She doesn't want to talk to you about it because she got caught and she wants to run away from the problem (you) as quickly as she can. She's a frickin coward. So, let her run. Believe it or not, you're better off.
Author H245 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Curious. I'm wondering about this "set up" Facebook conversation with this OM. Is this OM from Arizona? Sorry dude. That wasn't a set up. She was cheating on you. I don't know any guy that would want talk sexually to some girl as "a joke" or "a test". It would just feel awkward. She doesn't want to talk to you about it because she got caught and she wants to run away from the problem (you) as quickly as she can. She's a frickin coward. So, let her run. Believe it or not, you're better off. The OM lives in NJ. She told me he tried that years ago with her and she didn't feel comfortable about it. Funny enough when I looked him up, he is friends with 2 people I went to elementary school with. But my ex did not show up as a mutual friend she I still have her on FB. I even tried to look him up on her friends list on FB and he isn't there. I agree, I am better off. Part of me died inside today after everything is said and done. I gave everything I had and more and got very little in return. I'll update on how tonight goes...
AnyaNova Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 The OM lives in NJ. She told me he tried that years ago with her and she didn't feel comfortable about it. Funny enough when I looked him up, he is friends with 2 people I went to elementary school with. But my ex did not show up as a mutual friend she I still have her on FB. I even tried to look him up on her friends list on FB and he isn't there. I agree, I am better off. Part of me died inside today after everything is said and done. I gave everything I had and more and got very little in return. I'll update on how tonight goes... Preserve your dignity and your value. Send a friend with the stuff for her and to get the money and bring it to you. Don't you dare let her play with you like this. And she will, tonight. Don't go! 1
stillafool Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Preserve your dignity and your value. Send a friend with the stuff for her and to get the money and bring it to you. Don't you dare let her play with you like this. And she will, tonight. Don't go! I agree. She definitely TOOK the upper hand with you last night. Don't be her rug to wipe her feet. Get your friend to give her her junk and get your money back. Don't go and this will send a message that you mean business. 1
Author H245 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 (edited) Here's an update to my situation which keeps getting crappier as the days go on. So I did end up seeing my ex on Wednesday night. I gave her back the remaining stuff she owes me. The envelope that we thought would have half the money she owed me, did not contain a check. So she said she would call the insurance company regarding reimbursement check she is waiting for and she would call her old job about the severance checks they owe her. From there she plans to mail me a check with the balance. We ended up talking for 30 minutes after that. Stupid move on my part. Asked her why she had the convo with that guy. She said she felt I did not trust her and was periodically snooping around her FB convos on my computer. So in order to get proof that I did not trust her, she made that convo up (or so she claims) to get proof of me not trusting her. She felt it odd that I never let her change the password to her account on my computer. I explained to her my computer is my baby and I exhibit a lot of control over it because I built it and spent so much money on it. I also explained that I never once saw her FB convos prior to that one night's convo. She did not believe me. She then proceeded to tell me how she felt suffocated in the relationship because I always wanted to do stuff with her. That I was becoming possessive when she was moving out to live with her aunt for some time. I responded she should have communicated to me how she felt regarding her feelings and the lack of trust so that we could talk about it and grow. She explained that how she felt caused her to become distant as a defense mechanism instead of talking with me and helping me through whatever trust issues I have. So when I broke up with her, she thought about it the next day and realized it wasn't worth it anymore to fight for the relationship and used it as an out to regain her freedom. She then explains that she was leaving NY because I vented out what happened to our friends and that she no longer felt comfortable here because of that. I told her that her friends would be her friends no matter what, but wished her the best. I firmly believe her leaving was a knee-jerk and irrational decision, but did not tell her that. We ended that night with realizing we both made a lot of mistakes in the relationship and that we were not going to work out as much as we wanted to. We then had a hug, told I would miss her, thinking we had made peace with each other. The next few days I was doing OK. Not great, but not feeling like laying in bed all day wanting to OD on Xanax. Fast forward to tonight. I went out bowling with some friends. Checked my FB and a mutual friend of my ex and I posted pictures of her and other girls we know out for happy hour. It included my ex in those pictures and I instantly relapsed and got super upset. Our mutual friend texted me that she and another girl wanted to see me but couldn't yet because my ex was still with them. Finally when I got back home, the mutual friend texted that my ex and other friend went home and to come meet her at a different bar. I showed up and said hi and hung with her and my friends I was out bowling with. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her how it went tonight at happy hour with my ex and if my ex said anything about her leaving the state. The mutual friend said she was told that my ex has decided to not leave. When I asked who told her, she would not tell me because she did not think it was right towards me or towards my ex to tell me that and that I should just move on because my ex does not want to be with me anymore (Ironically it was I that ended the relationship) I don't like when people tell me to just move on when it's only been less than 2 weeks and they don't give me real advice on HOW to move on. One of the many reasons I came to this site since everyone has their own ideas and suggestions on moving on. I ended up leaving my friends and went to another bar that was quieter to decompress. I am currently really angry towards my mutual friend for not telling me who said my ex was not moving. It feels like the mutual friend knows more to the story than is leading on and I am being kept in the dark for my own good. I would not be surprised that there is a legit other man that my ex has already hooked up with already in the past 2 weeks. When I dated her in 2013, she told me a lot about what she did in 2012. It consisted of a lot of one night stands and strictly sexual relationships. So here I am now at 4:04am EST not sleepy when I have a gym class at 10:30am. My mind is running all over the place and I cannot calm down. All I can think of now is that it is going to be extremely difficult to move on. Knowing I cannot go to weekly trivia because she will be there again is killing me. Knowing that mutual friends will post pictures of them hanging out with her is going to hurt when I look at them even if I remove my ex from FB. Knowing that I might run into her at any one of the bars in the area scares me because she could be with another man. And worst of all, I wonder what game she is playing with me by doing all this. One friend has said to me that she might not necessarily be seeing another man, but that she doesn't want to be with me and does not want me dating anyone else. Or that she is going to try to continue to keep me close as a safety net when she is lonely. I keep debating between rebuilding everything and finding a new social circle or coping with seeing her every week at trivia and at the bars. But then I lose everything I worked for and my ex wins if I rebuild. If I try and cope, it will be super hard for me to heal because when I see her and if she's talking to another man, it is going to kill me inside. I need advice how to move forward with this now. I am so lost as to what to do anymore. This woman seems to have manipulated me breaking up with her into her breaking up with me. I need help, advice, anything to get through this. P.S.: Two envelopes came in the mail for her today which I told her about in a text (Before I learned she was no longer leaving). Which sucked that I had to initiate contact. This makes me feel the drama is far from over. Edited January 11, 2014 by H245
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