jorcsa Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Several years ago after my divorce, I conducted a web search and found one of my first high school and college girlfriends. She has been living in NYC, widowed, for many years and has been successful as a professional in the areas of art and fashion. We have been corresponding off and on since we reconnected, with sly hints of attraction for me from her, but nothing overt enough to motivate me to visit her, even though she has invited me to do so. In my Christmas card to her this year, I professed that I had fallen in love with her about the time we graduated from college, but our career plans led us on different paths. No reply to that confession. Several days ago, she emailed to tell me her mother had died and she is coming to our hometown for a three-day-visit next week to settle the estate. In the email, she called me “sweets”, “baby” and said she couldn’t wait to see me and hoped we could go out for a nice, quiet dinner in a dark little restaurant.(Which I interpreted as a “romantic” dinner) So I wrote her back a pretty mushy, flirty reply to agree and told her I would assist her with finding accommodations, business addresses and sightseeing. (She and her mother were estranged for many years, so this is a not a mourning type of visit) I let her know I was looking forward to spending as much time as I possibly could during her short stay. Today she wrote me back in a very strangely businesslike tone, letting me know she would be staying in a private home B&B (no hotel privacy there), already had booked her schedule tightly, and even mentioned a desire to go visit another old boyfriend she dated way back when. Needless to say, she had pulled a “180” and was treating me like a hired scheduling clerk. I was totally deflated. The “old boyfriend” deal just left me flummoxed and somewhat fuming. Obviously, she has no romantic leanings toward me whatsoever. I know I “over-read” her words and projected warm feelings she had for me that were nonexistent. OK, obviously I’ve been relegated to the dreaded “friend zone.” Now I feel like a dummy, but I did obligate myself to help her navigate her way around. But, feeling as disappointed about my demotion as I am, I only feel motivated to assist in only the most perfunctory of ways, and definitely have no desire to spend an evening on an expensive dinner with “my good friend.” A promise is a promise on my part, but I feel like she painted a bit of “blue sky” that just ain’t happening. I canceled a major medical appointment and cleared my calendar, to what has become a little bit of nothing of her time and attention. Since she will have her own rental car with GPS and lived her for over 20 years, I think she can find her way around with a minimum of trouble. This town is nothing compared to New York City anyway. I’m hurt and licking my severely wounded expectations. If I hadn’t made such a big deal out of wanting to help her “in any and every way I can”, (I am actually dreading her visit), I find myself hoping she will just cancel it. I’m not a mercenary, just a disillusioned would-be Romeo lacking a Juliet. What is the right thing to do to minimize my participation in this situation on my part without winding up being a total jacka**? It's most doubtful we will ever see each other again, but I want her to at least remember me as being as good as my word. Your suggestions please. Thank you.
TMichaels Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 You offered and now you are obligated. Unless, of course, you want to appear as the jack@ss you say you don't won't to be. Quit acting like a petulant child, man up and take the high road. It's one day out of your life. Can't you swallow your pride and act like a gentleman for just one day? Then, live and learn about letting your imagination run amok and creating castles in the sky when there is no basis for them. Best, TMichaels
justwhoiam Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 My considerations in random order here below. 1) We do not know if she did a 180, it looks like that for you, but maybe it's not so. If it is, it might be because she is scared she could grow feelings for you too soon. Your availability to her might have made her understand you'd have expectations, and she wants to be cautious, she might not be attracted to you as a man. 2) You already decided who wins what. It doesn't work like that. Assuming what she said is true, that she's visiting an old boyfriend, chances are she hasn't met him in ages, he might look very different, got nowhere in life and she wouldn't be interested in him in a romantic way. You'd play all your cards when you meet her in person. And 90% of your success would come from sexual tension between the two of you, the chemistry. It can come from a mix of things: your self-confidence, how you make her feel, your sense of humor, the way you behave around her and with other people, the way you move or get close to her without making her uncomfortable, what you wear, etc. Some variables depend on the woman too, depending on what impresses her, etc. 3) Now, if you want to try and play those cards is entirely up to you. If you already feel like a loser, you can make up some last-second unexpected event and tell her you are relieved that she has a full schedule already, and she won't suffer from your absence, or something along those lines. But why not trying at all? To save money? I mean, if you're tight with money, and can't stand a rejection, fine. Otherwise, just go for it. You only live once. 4) In my own (direct) experience, a friendzoned man can get out of the friendzone, especially in your case. I don't want to rise your expectations, but she's not someone you meet every day or around you all the time, so she has an idea of you that might be quite different than what you actually are. See paragraph #2 about sexual attraction. 5) So, what to do now? Do you want to win the battle or the war? If it's the latter, you need to play it smart. If I were you, and were really motivated, I'd write back saying that you are sure you would have enjoyed 3 full days with her, but will do with just an evening out. You tell her: "Let's meet at 7 pm on January X. Later this week, I'll let you know where we can meet or if I can pick you up at the B&B directly". This way you have a sure day & time, but leave something out that you can arrange later on (where), so that you will get in touch with her again soon for a reason. You pick a nice place, treat her like a princess, but don't try any move with her. No kiss. If sexual tension goes through the roof, it's already a win for you. If she's a career woman, try not to talk about work. If you have to, like because she asks you about it, give a short answer and shift the topic to something else. I'm not sure what you told her about your job, but make sure she thinks it's interesting. If you ruined that while emailing back and forth, now it's your chance to reverse the situation. 6) Make her smile, make her laugh, but don't make a fool of yourself. 7) If you're so cool about meeting her for just one night, and knowing she wants to visit an ex, you gain points, but this would be too long to explain. 8) If you can throw in something unexpected during that night, more points to you. You want to be remembered. And in a very good way. Like she will think of you and that night when she's back to NYC. You need to be creative on that. This might be leaving the restaurant at a certain point and taking her to some panoramic viewpoint, or something linked to when you were both 20... something that can trigger emotions. But remember not to make any move. If she's cold, hug her, or offer to give her her jacket and hug her. No more than that. 1
Author jorcsa Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Thank you very much "justwhoiam" for a most thoughtful and well-outlined reply. Each and every one of your points I have read and reread. You are obviously very perceptive and sensitive to others when they are in an emotional quandry or a confused relationship state, as I feel I am. Your kind manner and intuitiveness are greatly appreciated. You read my dilemma (whether imagined or well-founded) and delivered your suggestions in an insightful, mature and courteous manner. As a resource on this site, I would rate you at the very top. Maybe you are a professional relationship counselor. If not, you should be. You have the knack, wherewithal to grasp and clarify a problem, and just the right balance of sound advice and empathy. Bless you for your time and wisdom...jorcsa 1
justwhoiam Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Thank you very much "justwhoiam" for a most thoughtful and well-outlined reply. Each and every one of your points I have read and reread. You are obviously very perceptive and sensitive to others when they are in an emotional quandry or a confused relationship state, as I feel I am. Your kind manner and intuitiveness are greatly appreciated. You read my dilemma (whether imagined or well-founded) and delivered your suggestions in an insightful, mature and courteous manner. As a resource on this site, I would rate you at the very top. Maybe you are a professional relationship counselor. If not, you should be. You have the knack, wherewithal to grasp and clarify a problem, and just the right balance of sound advice and empathy. Bless you for your time and wisdom...jorcsa This is the most complimenting post I have ever received on this forum. Thank you. Hopefully my suggestions will help you somehow. I'm not a professional counselor, but people have been coming to me for advice for decades, so maybe it all comes from experience
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