Tommy16 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Hi everyone, Basically I really just want some support as I have been feeling extremely crappy about my break up (see link if interested). But basically he left me because he wanted to experience single uni life and said the whole "I love you, but not in love with you" thing. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/451045-unsure-now-after-gigs-breakup I am really trying to stay positive and work on myself, but the past couple of days I have just found myself randomly bursting into tears. I really really loved this guy and it hurts me that I am not with him any more! It will be two months today since the break up... not very long I know but I just feel as if I am getting nowhere! I don't really know what to do. I just feel really down. I really want him back - but then I know that for a successful reconciliation I would have to move on and might not even want him then.... I am just very confused and sad and just really want some people going through similar situations to talk to.
ayudorama Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Hey, it's okay to get those days every now and then. You're only two months post-BU. Don't worry so much about how you should be feeling by certain time points, and be a little kinder to yourself. From what I weaned from your other thread, this is your first 'real' relationship so this is your first time having to deal with a break-up. I know how this feels like, I had my first break-up at 28 and boy was I lost. I didn't know how to deal with the volatility of my emotions. Just to share with you my experiences for abit, the 2-3 month mark was probably the trickiest for me. There were days where I felt numbed and was able to go out with friends but then bam! I'd have a breakdown and wouldn't stop crying. You just lost someone you loved and trusted deeply, I'd classify this as one of the greatest betrayals a person would have to go through. Despite their bad behaviour towards us, we forgive them and would readily welcome them back. But the thing is this: they left us. Which effectively means that they would rather be alone than to be with us. It's a painful reality but one that helped me move forward and not wait for him to realise his mistake and come begging me to take him back. Do realise that healing is a choice, my friend. You need to want to heal. Go strict NC. Disappear from his life both online and offline, remove any reminders of him from your own life, as much as possible. Those you cannot control, ie. places you went to together, his favorite food - those will serve enough pain without any other additional reminders. Recovery isn't a one-way linear road. Some days you take many steps backwards and start sobbing. Some days you take one small step forward. It will take time, a really long time, but you will get there as long as you keep walking. I'm 9 1/2 months post-BU, and while I still shed silent tears every now and then, and reminders still affect me, I have better control over my emotions, and I kinda am a changed person. Many of my friends find my personality somewhat enhanced. People do find strength in pain. Although our situations are different in their unique ways, I do believe that pain serves to help people grow. Keep posting to let us know how you're doing yeah? Just be kinder to yourself. <3 4
Author Tommy16 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 You are right about 2-3 month mark being the hardest. I really thought I was doing ok. I started learning Spanish and the ukulele and doing things that I wanted to do but didn't have time for when in a relationship. But for some reason it has suddenly hit me and bam! I feel like complete crap. I honestly feel really panicky! I want him in my life, but I don't feel I can have him. I am currently in floods of tears because I just blocked him on facebook. Then I panicked and readded him and now he is going to think I am weak and stupid and I just feel like a massive idiot. It is ridiculous! I know healing is a choice... it just feels so hard...
ayudorama Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) But for some reason it has suddenly hit me and bam! I feel like complete crap. I honestly feel really panicky! I want him in my life, but I don't feel I can have him. I am currently in floods of tears because I just blocked him on facebook. Then I panicked and readded him and now he is going to think I am weak and stupid and I just feel like a massive idiot. It is ridiculous! I know healing is a choice... it just feels so hard... You're doing the right thing, picking up a new language, a new musical instrument. But if I may interject a little bit, you can definitely be kinder to yourself by removing him entirely from every aspect of your life. And I'm sorry you're hurting so much I wish I could give you a hug. Let me share with you my story about removing my ex from facebook. When we broke up, we remained friends on facebook. This continued for about 5 months and throughout this time he was completely inactive on facebook. He wasn't posting any statuses or pictures or whatever. But he is probably still browsing his newsfeed. Enough time has passed and I grew anxious. I didn't want to one day be looking through my newsfeed and be met with a picture of him with some girl or whatever else. One day I worked up the courage to unfriend him. One click was all it took. Simple enough, no? Not. I wept. It was horrific, the amount of guilt and pain I felt. But I didn't block him. Left it at that. A few months later, I vowed to fall off the face of this earth to this man and so I rallied my siblings and got them to unfriend him (all of them did except my older brother, but that's fine because he rarely uses facebook) and as for myself, I blocked him. Yes, blocked him. I knew that whatever little information I get from his facebook profile will only serve to provide me more fodder for overthinking and thus at the same time drive me incredibly insane. So, no. Enough. I'm better off not knowing. We're strangers to each other now, albeit strangers who knew too much about each other. One other thing, if you don't remove him now, what if he removes you one day? How would that make you feel? I don't even want to go there. I understand why you panicked and re-added him back, but you would be better off having him gone from your facebook page. Unfriend him, this time permanently. Honestly, I don't want more people to feel what I felt. I made enough mistakes with NC. But hey, there's a first time for everything, they say. It's sad that things have to come to this. But self-preservation is my utmost priority. I need to heal and move on from this man. And I will do whatever it takes to walk away with my sanity intact. Yes I still love him, but I too have accepted that we can no longer have anything to do with each other, because seeing him and not being able to have him, hurts too much. It's cruel. So I will not keep doing it to myself. Perhaps one day you may see it the same way I do. It took me months to do it after having inflicted unnecessary pain to myself. You need to want to put yourself first, and focus on what is best for you and your own healing. Please don't put so much weight about what he may think of you, he doesn't matter anymore. You have to only care about yourself, please. Here's a big squishy hug for you. I hope you feel slightly more calm after crying it all out Edited January 7, 2014 by ayudorama 2
David87 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 If it helps you in anyway, my ex dumped me and then blocked me, my family and my friends after 2 weeks, I cant explain the pain I feelt.
Author Tommy16 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 So, I just had a skype conversation with my Ex telling him I can no longer be friends with him as it would hurt me too much and have said that I need time to move on from him.. He was completely understanding and said that he would miss my friendship, but he wants me to move on. I told him all the things I wanted to tell him like how I did hope we would have a chance in the future and I know this cannot happen at this point in time, but I understand that I cannot wait around for something that probably won't even happen. I told him I would contact him when I was ready (however we did agree we would contact each other in emergencies: hospitalisation, close one passing etc). I hope I handled myself well.... I just feel like crying now though and am finding it hard to stop. It really really hurts, feeling like I have cut him out of my life completely. I know that this is the only way though, I need to move on, and if it happens with us again in the future it happens, but if not I will have moved on so all will be ok! I do really want a hug right now though!! 2
H245 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Sending you a big hug from NY. Stay strong and keep focusing on you. I think the Skype convo was handled well between both parties. I would try not to contact again for a very long time tho. You don't want to set yourself back after you have made progress. I am only 2 weeks post BU and 3rd day NC. I blocked her last night and it really destroyed me to do so and cried as well. You're not alone, we are here for you.
Softie Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You have lots of BU buddies here, here to help, here to listen & here to sympathise xxx
notthathard Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Life sux sometimes hey. Just wait until you see what life has planned for you, your going to laugh at all the things your going through right now because this change is for the better! Let everything out that you need to, the sooner you do the better you will feel.
iouaname Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Hi hon! You'll get through it. It's tough and it's going to be tough for a while. It's been a little over a year since my ex and I broke up and I remember how awful it was at just the two month mark. As the months go on, you'll get stronger and stronger - I promise. I'm always willing to lend an ear or offer some advice if you need it!
mimigoes2paris Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You aren't alone. It is so hard. I'm living this reality...of trying to move on. And with all my trying, sometimes just falling to pieces. On my drive home from work, when I settle for the night and the phone doesn't ring, when I think about something he said and now I know it was lie...all of it is hard. But you must have faith better things will come. And I know you probably do have that faith. But I get it...that feeling of needing something, someone, anything, anywhere...that will just be a rock for you. We'll find ourselves again and we won't even recognize ourselves when we do...because we will be happier, stronger, wiser and more blessed than we can imagine now. People are here for you! We really are! Crying on our way to work with you. Crying in our showers, too. Melting. But allowing ourselves to feel nonetheless, which is so important to heal. God will bless us. We have to know He is holding for us what He has. And clearly, what He has is something more...or else we'd still be with those that hurt us, dumped us, humiliated us...God has better for us. Because as much as we wanted, prayed, pleaded for, cried over the men we ultimately lost, God would not let us have them. We wanted to start families and build businesses and buy houses and travel to places with these men...And God saved us from a life that in the end we wouldn't have wanted or recognized at all. You are not alone! No matter what it feels like...You have buddies who understand. And most importantly, you have a friend in the Creator. When I want to call my mum in the middle of the night. Or ring my sister or friends. So deep in sorrow and tears. I've started thinking I will seek out God first. And tell my secrets to Him. You can do it! I'm praying for the both of us...and all the aching hearts around the world. You'll feel stronger, in due time! 1
Author Tommy16 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 It just really hurts at the moment. I am currently at work, trying my hardest not to break down in tears. Luckily I am in the office by myself today as everyone is out - but someone came in and asked if I wanted to go on break with them and I almost had a full on breakdown in front of them. I really wanted to be able to be friends with him, but I know I just can't. I really feel he is one of the nicest guys I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Even now we are broken up he is very careful in what he says because he wants to avoid giving me false hope or hurting me further. I think that's what makes it hurt more, the fact he obviously cares about me... just not in the way I want him to care about me. I really do just feel he was one of the right people, it just wasn't the right time. Since the break up I have figured out a lot of things about myself that I have to sort out before I can have a stable LTR (such as I started becoming dependant on him). He also has stuff he needs to get out of his system. I mean, even now he says I am by far the best relationship he has ever had (compared to 4 others), which is why it confuses him to much that he lost his feelings for me I am guilty of talking to him about the possibility of a second chance in the future...I mean, I am not expecting it, but I really do feel it would be worth it at some point in the future. He just said if it happens, it happens.l Which is obviously fair enough. I don't know... I am just kind of rambling now. I know that in any case I have to move on - even if I want a reconciliation. It just hurts not being able to contact him... Maybe I should just take solace in the fact we both said that if we did really need one another we would be there to help. Sorry that was long.... sort of lost my train of thought.... :S
JDPT Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You will have your ups and downs and that's perfectly fine, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm at 8 months BU and had a terrible day yesterday, I haven't had those in a while. Learn to remain calm, use sound judgment and don't make impulsive decisions. Continue to work on yourself, although you may not agree, you have made progress in these short months. Be strong, you'll power through this. 1
Author Tommy16 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I do agree that I have made progress. I mean, I wouldn't have even thought about NC when we first broke up. I just worry sometimes that I won't be strong enough to keep NC up. Also... I am feeling rather confused. Like I want to move on and make myself the best me that I can be... but I can't help feeling like one of the main reasons I want to work on myself is so that I can get back with him in the future. I know that it's unlikely that it would happen and am not expecting anything and I know that once I start meeting other people and stuff I may not even want him back in the future.... soo is wanting to better myself for this purpose healthy? Even if it is just for the first few months??
John83 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Hi im sorry to hear of your pain. Im not really the best person to offer advice as only 8 days post bu myself and am also an absolute wreck. But from past breakups i can say just stay strong and keep at it, you will have setbacks i remember being there myself with first ex, mo nths later it can hit you. I remember over a year after my first breakup on holiday in magaluff lying on bed after a night out devastated thinking about ex. I do promise it gets better it just takes time. Find a project that takes up a lot of your time take care.
chris21422 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Hey bro message me your facebook if you want! If you need someone to talk to about the break up
OpheliaSong Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Hang in there, you can do it. Though I know it hurts, it's best he broke up rather than go to uni where people really figure out who they are and cheat on you. Focus on making the be stout of the rest of your life and have fun with your friends. You are going to be okay, just keep swimming. Hugs
Author Tommy16 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Hey bro message me your facebook if you want! If you need someone to talk to about the break up I would love to...but I don't think I can private message anyone! I think I need to post more :/ And yes you are right, it is better that he broke it off before. He is really decent guy and he would try his best to avoid hurting me beyond what he had to. I suppose I can't blame him if his feelings suddenly disappeared, especially as he doesn't really know himself. I still respect him a lot because of how he treated me. Doesn't make me feel too much happier at the moment though hahaha! I guess it is just down to youth and immaturity really. Thanks for listening guys! No doubt I will be posting more haha. Just wanted to say I appreciated it though!
chris21422 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 It's alright message me anytime if you want someone to talk to.. Things do get better in time don't worry I would love to...but I don't think I can private message anyone! I think I need to post more :/ And yes you are right, it is better that he broke it off before. He is really decent guy and he would try his best to avoid hurting me beyond what he had to. I suppose I can't blame him if his feelings suddenly disappeared, especially as he doesn't really know himself. I still respect him a lot because of how he treated me. Doesn't make me feel too much happier at the moment though hahaha! I guess it is just down to youth and immaturity really. Thanks for listening guys! No doubt I will be posting more haha. Just wanted to say I appreciated it though!
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 This is a crazy roller-coaster, and as others have stated, you will have many more ups and downs as the months go on. But I can tell you it does... slowly... get better. Sometimes so slowly that you'll swear you're standing still or moving backwards. But, as I've stated before, your progress looks like a stock chart. A zig-zag line full of ups and downs but an overall upward trend. I'm approaching a year, and 9 or 10 months ago, I thought I would die for sure. Well, I didn't. And neither will you 2
Author Tommy16 Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 It's alright message me anytime if you want someone to talk to.. Things do get better in time don't worry Thanks! I will do once the forum lets me start messaging! I just feel very up and down, like mtnbiker said, it really is like a roller coaster. Honestly one minute I am fine, the next I am miserable. It is very confusing and frustrating... Guess all I can do is work on myself and let time do it's magic.... wish time could just go quicker though hahaha! I also need to find a way to stop worrying about what he is up to and stuff... it keeps popping into my head and making me feel crap
Author Tommy16 Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 Today I feel really ****ty. I had a dream within a dream last night, and in the 'inner dream' my ex got back with me. Then I woke up in the 'actual dream' and was like, "Oh, its just a dream :(", but he got back with me there too and I was like, "well this must be real because I already had a dream". Then I woke up for real, realised it was all a dream and just felt awful. Then I had managed to calm myself down listening to music, then it came up that he was following someone new on spotify..... I had completely forgotten we followed each other on spotify as he only followed me... but now he was also following his ex-gf from a couple of years ago. This started making me like lose it, I was like "WHY IS HE NOW FOLLOWING HER?!?!" So I went crazy and facebook stalked him and on his most recent picture they had commented to each other about his jumper as follows: Her: "Hey, is that the jumper I told you to buy" Him: "Possibily..." Her: "Well you should be paying me as your personal stylist " It is really making me lose it!!!! I just want to message him and ask what's going on, but I know I can't because it would make me seem desperate pushing him further away and it's also none of my business . I am just really confused as to why this is happening. I guess they are probably just friends, I mean they were friends whilst we were going out, I met her once... but I was kinda shy and didn't say much... Also he said that his relationship with her was crazy and she was rather unstable (despite seeming better now) but he said he wouldn't try it with her again. In fact, the worst thing he ever said to me was once we were having an argument and he compared me to her I don't know... maybe I am thinking way to much.... I just feel like I am going to throw up...
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