txgrl Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 It is very courageous of you to admit that your A was a big mistake . For some, it takes longer , maybe years to admit this or even realize it .hopefully, people will read your posts and learn from it. Maybe R with H is a possibility? Either way, I wish you the best .
Got it Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 You now realize you didn't make "the right choice". A relationship build upon the lies, deceit and the betrayal of others NEVER work out (some stay together, as you did for awhile to PROVE to themselves and other they made the right choice but they are always miserable marriages/relationships of continued lying, deceit and mistrust). Any chance your ex-husband will take you back. It may be a long difficult road of humility and repentance but it's been done many times before. It is actually your (and your children's) best shot at true happiness and besides it actually would be "the right choice" you should have made long ago. Good luck. What hookum. Never works out? Yes because never and always are such realistic barometers. Why is it that if she breaks up with him that she needs to find out if her "ex will take her back"? Why is that even being considered as an option? Who cares? Why assume that she would want to go back? And how on earth is it considered the "right" choice"? Because they actually married? With the divorce rate as it is I would beg to differ. OP - I am sorry to hear about it ending but if you feel that you did everything you could then there was nothing left to do/try. I do think IC is very valuable and take some time to get to know yourself, alone. Date yourself, spend time, and really look at growing your world, interests, etc. without having a partner involved. It can be a wonderful time of self discovery that you are entering into. I am also sorry about your sick child. My husband has kids, I do not, but I absolutely understand his bond with them and make sure that it continues to be strengthened. I make sure that they have some period of alone time as often as I can because while we have a great relationship that one takes precedence and needs to be nurtured without my presence. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors! 2
goodyblue Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 You now realize you didn't make "the right choice". A relationship build upon the lies, deceit and the betrayal of others NEVER work out (some stay together, as you did for awhile to PROVE to themselves and other they made the right choice but they are always miserable marriages/relationships of continued lying, deceit and mistrust). Any chance your ex-husband will take you back. It may be a long difficult road of humility and repentance but it's been done many times before. It is actually your (and your children's) best shot at true happiness and besides it actually would be "the right choice" you should have made long ago. Good luck. Such malarkey. I am in a very happy relationship with my guy who was married when we began. OP, hang in there. Be good to yourself, realize you deserve to be loved in all the ways that you need. I'm sorry you are hurting. Chin up. 2
txgrl Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 OP R with her exH is being brought up because she seems to indicate that it was a poor choice to break up her M for OM. How long have you been with your respective MM? I'm curious if any if you have passed the five year mark . Again , plz don't read any if my words as attacks . I'm just asking a question .
Got it Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 OP R with her exH is being brought up because she seems to indicate that it was a poor choice to break up her M for OM. How long have you been with your respective MM? I'm curious if any if you have passed the five year mark . Again , plz don't read any if my words as attacks . I'm just asking a question . Together, yes, married no. We didn't have a desire to rush to marriage so took some time just dating. Why 5 years?
RightThere Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 My BF doesn’t have kids of his own and never wanted any, he just can’t/couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child. This is exactly what has happened to my STBXW as well. Her OM made all kinds of promises. Originally said he never wanted kids and didn't want any, but changed his tune because he knew it was what my STBXW wanted to hear. As soon as she moved in with a 4 year old, his true colours came out and my STBXW realized she'd been duped. The excitement of the affair was mistaken for real life because only the fun parts were had. Once you introduce real life (laundry, sick kids, mortgage) you quickly figure out who a person is. Sometimes the only way people truly understand something is to experience the whole play. Good to know you prioritize your kids correctly.
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Any chance your ex-husband will take you back. It may be a long difficult road of humility and repentance but it's been done many times before. It is actually your (and your children's) best shot at true happiness and besides it actually would be "the right choice" you should have made long ago. Good luck. It is very courageous of you to admit that your A was a big mistake . For some, it takes longer , maybe years to admit this or even realize it .hopefully, people will read your posts and learn from it. Maybe R with H is a possibility? Either way, I wish you the best . I don’t think anny kind of R is possiable anymore. I had a chance, my Ex begged me to to stay. He told me this would happen and I didn’t listen now its to late to go back.Besides he dating some one right now he looks happy with her. If by a miracle I could have a chance to R I would take it in a heart beat.
RightThere Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I don’t think anny kind of R is possiable anymore. I had a chance, my Ex begged me to to stay. He told me this would happen and I didn’t listen now its to late to go back.Besides he dating some one right now he looks happy with her. If by a miracle I could have a chance to R I would take it in a heart beat. You can assume he's comparing his current woman to you. Never say never.
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Such malarkey. I am in a very happy relationship with my guy who was married when we began. OP, hang in there. Be good to yourself, realize you deserve to be loved in all the ways that you need. I'm sorry you are hurting. Chin up. Where you single when you meet
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 You can assume he's comparing his current woman to you. Never say never. I doubt it.
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Me and my BF are done I told yesterday I was moving out. He wasn’t happy and started argue with him calling a whole set of names. At this point I really didn’t care and still don’t. My friend is coming over tomorrow to help pack and move.I should be out by Friday. I will be moving in with her for a few weeks. Until I find another place.
txgrl Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 My heart breaks for you . I came this close to doing what you did and am convinced that it would've been a disaster if I had proceeded with the D . Does your exH know your situation now? I think you should let him know . He might want to patch up . Best .
Got it Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I don’t think anny kind of R is possiable anymore. I had a chance, my Ex begged me to to stay. He told me this would happen and I didn’t listen now its to late to go back.Besides he dating some one right now he looks happy with her. If by a miracle I could have a chance to R I would take it in a heart beat. Have you felt this way or now you feel this way? I really want you to deep dive this thinking and make sure it isn't as seeing your ex as a security blanket more than just a suitable match for you. He desires someone that wants him for 100% him and is not a consolation prize, security blanket, or anything else. Is it really about either man being the right fit for you or just about not being alone/covering/minimize the hurt? 1
ClemsonTigers Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) I don’t think anny kind of R is possiable anymore. I had a chance, my Ex begged me to to stay. He told me this would happen and I didn’t listen now its to late to go back.Besides he dating some one right now he looks happy with her. If by a miracle I could have a chance to R I would take it in a heart beat. Shotgun suggestions: 1. apology letter - short and sweet owning it but also recognizing your words don't mean much and you are likely still not thinking clearly on the subject to express anything more than just …. "I ended my affair. You were right, I was an idiot, I made a huge mistake cheating on and leaving you. I hurt a lot of people. I am sorry. I am not looking to interfere in your life but I hope I get the opportunity to demonstrate to you as a friend and coparent how truly sorry I am" 2. Follow up on your apology by demonstrating through actions the sincerity of your apology. You had undertaken a very cruel and hurtful betrayal of your husband. You threw him away. It's one of the most painful things a person can do to another person. Some, but not all, have indicated to me that it was even worse than losing a child or the death of a parent. That's not something you just SAY "I'm sorry" once and it's bygones. An apology of this magnitude needs to be delivered in several steps, in many ways and with a heartfelt contritness you likely aren't yet capable of. Mostly it requires time and consistent selflessness. I've got some ideas on this but don't know if you are even still around at this point to consider them. Congrats on ending your affair and giving yourself a chance at happiness. I know it hurts and you'll be going through some withdrawal as you detach from your paramour but you really have taken a huge step in a positive direction for yourself and your children. Edited February 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Solicitation and relevant verbiage redacted
lilmisscantbewrong Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I think if you have the desire and the opportunity to reconcile your marriage that is wonderful - it can't hurt to try. Although I was raised Christian, I don't have the same philosophy some have. I think people are brought into our lives for a purpose. This does not mean that I am an advocate of affairs - I am not. However, I also don't think that we were destined for one person in our lives. I believe that whatever paths we choose, we can be happy and compatible with many people. I am so sorry for the heartbreak you are going through. My gut is, if you feel like there is a chance, then certainly tell your ex husband how you feel. No matter what happens, you will possibly come out with a better relationship, even apart, by apologizing. But you have to go in knowing he my have moved on and he has every right to. Good luck - I wish you the best. 2
goodyblue Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Where you single when you meet Yes, I'd been divorced for some time.
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 finshed packing and I am moving out Friday I’m going to be moving in with my friend for the time being she single and as and extra room I can stay for a few weeks. We have knowen each other since mid school she was one of the first I ever had when I moved to the states from canda we remained close through out the years.On the other hand my exbf is being a prick about everyhting trying to start fight over anything calling names for good reason I just ignore him. I cant wait to be gone from here I wish I never meet him.
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 My heart breaks for you . I came this close to doing what you did and am convinced that it would've been a disaster if I had proceeded with the D . Does your exH know your situation now? I think you should let him know . He might want to patch up . Best . I havent told my exH anything yet. He does know something up I called him Monday telling I couldn’t watch the this week. I didn’t want around that prick it sucks because I only have 3 day a week and I havent seen my oldest in almost a week.
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Yes, I'd been divorced for some time. I think that played a big part in why you guys have been able to make it work. Being MOW vs a single OW is very different. I probably didn’t do have of the things I did to hide the affair and you didn't have to lie as much as I did. The main reason why we couldn't make work was because he refused to trust me.
cocorico Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 OP R with her exH is being brought up because she seems to indicate that it was a poor choice to break up her M for OM. How long have you been with your respective MM? I'm curious if any if you have passed the five year mark . Again , plz don't read any if my words as attacks . I'm just asking a question . I have. And yes, we're blissfully happy. Mrs. Scarlet, I'm sorry things have ended this way for you. But you should never stay in any R that makes you unhappy - whether it s with your (x)H or your fOM. It is probably a good thing you found out so quickly with him that things would not work out, before you had invested even more and your kids had gotten too established in that situation. I hope you can find a new space soon, but in the meantime enjoy your time with your friend and be kind to yourself.
Got it Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I havent told my exH anything yet. He does know something up I called him Monday telling I couldn’t watch the this week. I didn’t want around that prick it sucks because I only have 3 day a week and I havent seen my oldest in almost a week. I think you should see your kids, just take them for a few hours, go to the movies, dinner, etc. I understand wanting to keep them out of the house but you can still recharge your emotional batteries by spending time with them out of the house. I don't know why my posts were deleted but my advice I think does stand. I think some alone time is needed. This isn't an affair and you are deciding to reconnect/commit to your husband. You are divorced now. There is no "going back". Commit to you, commit to getting into IC and figuring out your whys and only then approach your ex husband. But spend some time getting to know you. ((((())))) Good luck with everything. Wishing you the best.
Anne Boleyn Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 You now realize you didn't make "the right choice". A relationship build upon the lies, deceit and the betrayal of others NEVER work out (some stay together, as you did for awhile to PROVE to themselves and other they made the right choice but they are always miserable marriages/relationships of continued lying, deceit and mistrust). The problem with such absolutes as "always" and "never" is that it only takes one story that contradict the absolute to show that you're incorrect. My husband and I started as an affair, we divorced out spouses and got married to each other, and we're not miserable... Not by a long shot. And neither of us have issues with lying, deceit, or not trusting each other. In fact, it's the most honest, open, loving, supportive relationship I've ever had and I'm very, very happy. Much happier than I could have ever guessed I could be in a marriage. Saying that how a relationship starts is how it ends is, obviously, not the universal or whole truth. Most relationships start with happiness, love, trust, and openness, but despite this, all but maybe one relationship we'll ever hold in our entire romantic lives will fail. It's as silly to say that a relationship that starts out of an affair or breech of trust with another party will always have that legacy as it is to say that a relationship that starts out openly, honestly, and truthfully will always have that open, honest, truth to rely on. If that were the case, people wouldn't be having affairs on their spouses, would they? The key is, when making the transition, to do so healthily and do so with understanding, communication, and openness. If one carefully cultivates that relationship, they, like anybody else, can have a successful post-affair relationship with their AP. The thing about this situation is that it sees like the OP fell in love with the intrigue of the affair, not so much the person in the affair. Or perhaps the relationship just naturally died, as most relationships do, adulterous start or not. There is no shame in that, it's just how things are. Yes, there is regret it seems, yes there is pain, but you know... What breakup doesn't have that when it ends after a bout of "the grass is greener?" My suggestion... Do for you for awhile, OP. Get counseling, work through the end of your marriage, the end of your relationship, and put love on the back burner for awhile. Get back to you and then take baby steps back out into the dating world again. As for reconciling with the BS... Let it go. Unless he gives a hint that's what he wants, it's not worth pursuing. It's another case of "the grass is greener" but on the opposite spectrum. Wanting what one can't have, thinking that what they can't have is automatically better. Acknowledge it for what it is, let it go. Don't jump back in and disrupt things for him, especially as it seems like he's moving on. Any idea of prior claims or pre-existing relationships that could be used as fodder to push for a reconciliation went out the window with the affair, and to imagine he's secretly wishing for her while he's with somebody else... It's wishful thinking. The same kind that got her in trouble in the first place. As for "right choices," "best shot," and "what's best for the kids," there's no clear cut solution to any of it. Best not to say that breaking up what is her ex-husband's chance for honest happiness so that she can stake a claim on a relationship with him is a "right choice" as it very well might not be. 2
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