Mrs.Scarlet Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Does anyone have any stories about affairs that turned into successful relationships after the marriage broke down? I am in this situation with my boyfriend. Where we both left our marriages and we are togther. I am staring to think I made a mistake in leaving my marriage. The relationship isnt what I thought it was I still want to try to make it work we give up a lot to be together. We owe to yourselves to at least try. Would be interested in hearing similar stories that have made it work. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Did you two move in together right away or get your own places and are dating, getting to know one another in a new way? If not, and you two moved in and expected a relationship to work immediately, that's a lot of pressure. The affair dynamic has to totally end, and also, even though you both D'd your spouses for one another, did you two really grieve the loss? It is unhealthy to restart a new life with someone else so quickly after a D. What is it that you're unhappy about? What expectations did you have that now aren't what you thought it would be? Or is it that the R is not at all like it was during the A and you miss that? You're not obligated to your MM, now boyfriend. Why not try to do counseling together, fix things and see how it goes, but if that doesn't work you can end it. Yes you both gave up a lot but I DO hope that you'll still be okay alone and not pine and want what you once had before...Your husband. 1
MissBee Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) Does anyone have any stories about affairs that turned into successful relationships after the marriage broke down? I am in this situation with my boyfriend. Where we both left our marriages and we are togther. I am staring to think I made a mistake in leaving my marriage. The relationship isnt what I thought it was I still want to try to make it work we give up a lot to be together. We owe to yourselves to at least try. Would be interested in hearing similar stories that have made it work. Did you leave your marriage for him? Nobody should do that. You leave your marriage because you are done with it and you leave it because regardless of if you had an OM you wanted out. The reason for it, as you're experiencing, is that an A does not say anything about the future and doesn't guarantee your new relationship will last or work out. It has every chance like any other dating relationship, and even your marriage, to simply not work out. Some experience it as an escape but when it is now the only relationship and one that you have to work on just as much, and it becomes stale, the problems and perhaps incompatibilities you were blind to while it was an escape become apparent. However, because you've left for them you can feel a lot more pressure to force something that isn't working in order to prove others wrong or make it "worth it", but that isn't doing you any favors. I had an open R with my exAP, we're no longer together anymore though. However, he didn't leave for me. We broke up and went NC and connected a couple years later when we were both single and had dated other people and had time away from the A drama and A dynamics to approach things more like normal dating. Edited January 7, 2014 by MissBee 3
Got it Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 We had our relationship go from affair to marriage but we didn't leave for each other. We were both done with our marriages. It is a long road and I don't recommend rushing it. I recommend separate space, couples counseling, lots of patience and understanding that just because you did move from the affair it doesn't mean that the relationship has to work. Don't be afraid to throw in the towel if the relationship is not working. But couples counseling is very important, at least to me. 1
will-ow Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 for starters, affairs ARE relationships.... I would definitey agree with what other posters have said about reasons to leave a marriage - I strongly believe you should only leave a marriage for you, not for anybody else. I have a good friend who married young, regretted it fairly quickly and stayed married becsause of their kids. After about 6 years he had an affair which he wasn't particularly careful about hiding, and left both his W and his AP after a D-Day - he was brutally honest about neither relationship being what he wanted for the rest of his life, which I have a lot of respect for even though it caused a lot of hurt to both women at the time. He spent a couple of years happily single and 'playing the field', and has now been married for 16 years to a woman he met after all that happened. And his relationships with his XW and now-grown children are very positive and settled. On the flip side, I know I know 3 couples who ended up together after D-Days but all broke up within a year after because their relationships didn't work when they lost the excitement of the secrecy and sneaking around, and actually got to spend their 'real' lives together. And finally , I have friends in 3 couples who started as EMRs because the APs were unhappy in their marriages, looking to leave them anyway, and took their time to end their marriages. All 3 couples have been married for 8 years or more, and they're all (apparently!) happy and stable. 2
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Did you two move in together right away or get your own places and are dating, getting to know one another in a new way? If not, and you two moved in and expected a relationship to work immediately, that's a lot of pressure. The affair dynamic has to totally end, and also, even though you both D'd your spouses for one another, did you two really grieve the loss? It is unhealthy to restart a new life with someone else so quickly after a D. What is it that you're unhappy about? What expectations did you have that now aren't what you thought it would be? Or is it that the R is not at all like it was during the A and you miss that? You're not obligated to your MM, now boyfriend. Why not try to do counseling together, fix things and see how it goes, but if that doesn't work you can end it. Yes you both gave up a lot but I DO hope that you'll still be okay alone and not pine and want what you once had before...Your husband. We both moved in with each other right after we left our spouses. I can see now that it wasn’t the best way to start out at the time it felt right. My divorce hasn’t been finalized yet, BF had more like a common law marriage. He is official done with his ex my divorce should be finalized around this month. Either one of us took time to mourn the death of our marriages, I hopped from one relationship to another. I am unhappy about a lot of thing but main one are. The way treats me now compared to the way he treated during the affair. he can be controlling and kind of insecure. I have a lot of what if’s if. I wonder if I stayed in my marriage would I gave been happier. The relationship is very different from the our affairs I do kind of miss that We are in counseling now. I’m trying to get into, I want to fix things I don’t really have the energy too
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Did you leave your marriage for him? Nobody should do that. You leave your marriage because you are done with it and you leave it because regardless of if you had an OM you wanted out. The reason for it, as you're experiencing, is that an A does not say anything about the future and doesn't guarantee your new relationship will last or work out. It has every chance like any other dating relationship, and even your marriage, to simply not work out. Some experience it as an escape but when it is now the only relationship and one that you have to work on just as much, and it becomes stale, the problems and perhaps incompatibilities you were blind to while it was an escape become apparent. However, because you've left for them you can feel a lot more pressure to force something that isn't working in order to prove others wrong or make it "worth it", but that isn't doing you any favors. My boyfriend was part of my reason for leaving.At the time I wasn't happy in my marriage we were going through a few problems. My affair made the problems we already had bigger and added a set of new ones. The longer the A went on for the more it made me feel likes I was done. The reason why I left dosent matter because i already made my choice to leave.
goodyblue Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 My boyfriend was part of my reason for leaving.At the time I wasn't happy in my marriage we were going through a few problems. My affair made the problems we already had bigger and added a set of new ones. The longer the A went on for the more it made me feel likes I was done. The reason why I left dosent matter because i already made my choice to leave. I was single when I dated my guy, but he was married. He was unhappy in his marriage and left the marriage. I was part of why, but mostly he was just miserable. Once he left, he lived on his own and I lived on my own and we dated. I think that gave us a good time to get to know one another outside the affair and it was really good for us. I think if we had immediately moved in together it would have really been difficult. Even with it not being a horrible transition, counseling was still part of things so that we could deal with our beginnings etc. We are doing well now, even though it will never be perfect. It's authentic and I love that. Hang in there, see how you feel. If you find out that it isn't what you want, then it is okay. Don't end up in another unhappy relationship because you feel obligated. 2
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 We both moved in with each other right after we left our spouses. I can see now that it wasn’t the best way to start out at the time it felt right. My divorce hasn’t been finalized yet, BF had more like a common law marriage. He is official done with his ex my divorce should be finalized around this month. Either one of us took time to mourn the death of our marriages, I hopped from one relationship to another. I am unhappy about a lot of thing but main one are. The way treats me now compared to the way he treated during the affair. he can be controlling and kind of insecure. I have a lot of what if’s if. I wonder if I stayed in my marriage would I gave been happier. The relationship is very different from the our affairs I do kind of miss that We are in counseling now. I’m trying to get into, I want to fix things I don’t really have the energy too My sister had an affair with a MM (she was married also) and they moved in together almost immediately and have conceived with a baby due in 3 months. The problem for them right now is the insecurity business...My sister has recognised that her partner has very poor boundaries with women (which is what led to their affair in the first place - work colleagues turned best friends yada yada...you know the story) So my sister now realises how easy it is for her partner to fall into the same situation with someone else...and with my sister not working to have the baby and the stresses that come with a new baby, she is becoming even more paranoid and insecure. The ONLY way for them to try and deal with this is through counselling. Unfortunately what you are going through is a bit of a Catch 22...The relationship has problems, someone with inappropriate coping skills turns to an outsider instead of into the marriage...now that you have stress in your new relationship, your partner probably fears you taking the same route. Its a reasonable fear, given how you two got together. That then leads to further rifts in the relationship as you are unhappy and think he is too controlling/insecure. If you really want to make a go of it - couples counselling. I would also look into IC for yourself to try and understand the choices you have made to this point, because you seem really unsure.
BehindTheseHazelEyes Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 It sounds like you suffer from "the grass is greener on the other side" complex. You are very selfish and still only thinking of yourself and how you feel. Not how your STBXH feels/felt or your family or your live-in boyfriend. You are not a good partner. A good partner doesn't worry about how they feel or how they can be happy. Good partners look at their role in the relationship and what they bring to the table, not the other way around. I don't blame your S/O for being insecure: apparently he is very intuitive. I am glad you are in counseling so that you can reflect and learn from your own mistakes and hopefully make better choices in the future.
BetrayedH Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) Statistics on this are debatable but the ones I've seen show that 3% of relationships that start as affairs make it to marriage. And then you've got a 75% divorce rate. The article that cited these stats indicated that the low success rate didn't necessarily correlate to incidences of affairs in the new relationship but did point to underlying trust issues leading to the failures. This seems to be the case in your scenario where your BF is GPS tracking via car & phone and blowing up your phone when you're away for 10 minutes. He doesn't trust you because he saw exactly what you're capable of doing to your husband of 16 years. I don't think you're going to be part of the success group here. I suggest you make it a priority to find a new job. The only reason you're still with him (instead of throwing yourself on the mercy of your husband) is because he's your boss. Eliminate that obstacle and I think you'll see that you have many more options than just trying to make this crappy relationship work. Edited January 8, 2014 by BetrayedH
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I know of three long term marriages (maybe more) that started as affairs. One couple still together after 30 some years. Another couple, he passes away after they had been together over 25 and another over 15 still together. I know many that are fairly fresh so I don't know what the long term results will be from these - only that they are challenging due to blended families. I also know some that started as affairs and then ended up divorced as well. I think the challenges are definitely greater when there has been an affair and then you are trying to blend families. It can take years for it to all even out and it might never. What I do see, is those that have had success, even though they may have turbulence and not all get along, if their family (however "step" it may be) is attacked in any way, they fiercely protect. It's all quite interesting. But I live in a small town where people have affairs,switch mates and still attend the same church.
Got it Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Statistics on this are debatable but the ones I've seen show that 3% of relationships that start as affairs make it to marriage. And then you've got a 75% divorce rate. The article that cited these stats indicated that the low success rate didn't necessarily correlate to incidences of affairs in the new relationship but did point to underlying trust issues leading to the failures. This seems to be the case in your scenario where your BF is GPS tracking via car & phone and blowing up your phone when you're away for 10 minutes. He doesn't trust you because he saw exactly what you're capable of doing to your husband of 16 years. I don't think you're going to be part of the success group here. I suggest you make it a priority to find a new job. The only reason you're still with him (instead of throwing yourself on the mercy of your husband) is because he's your boss. Eliminate that obstacle and I think you'll see that you have many more options than just trying to make this crappy relationship work. Let me quantify one of these stats, before we get too locked in. The 3% is based on one study of a relatively small pool of male candidates and the perimeters were not just relationships that went from affair to marriage but also, at that point, married for more than 3 years. So this pool would exclude a potential large number of people. Not sure where the 75% percent comes from, it would be interesting to have stats cited. Does that mean you should stay in the relationship? No. What I recommend is going to IC and figuring out what you want in your life. If you jumped ship too soon in your marriage you need to explore that. You need to explore your thought processes, what you want for your life and compatibility. Whether or not this relationship is the right one for you will come to light in these discussions. Really getting in touch with yourself, understanding yourself is what should be paramount for you. 1
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 I suggest you make it a priority to find a new job. The only reason you're still with him (instead of throwing yourself on the mercy of your husband) is because he's your boss. Eliminate that obstacle and I think you'll see that you have many more options than just trying to make this crappy relationship work. I am currently looking for a new job, I have interviews lined up for next month. My husband has moved on already and stared seeing someone. On top of that he looks happy i don’t want to flip his world upside down again. What I have read here to R is extreme painful and hard on the BS. It takes years for them to being to move on. Many times it dosent even work. I see ever little reason to try to R with my husband.
Snipercatt Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Your situation is similar, in several ways, to a business acquisition. You may know the business, know their product and have received full disclosure, prior to acquisition. However, once you own the business and start living the day to day with all its grittiness you don't really know the business. I think your gut is screaming at you that this isn't a good match and you don't have the energy for it, including couseling. Even with counseling, it's possible you won't like the situation any better. There comes a time to cut your losses rather than invest precious resources to them. 1
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Your situation is similar, in several ways, to a business acquisition. You may know the business, know their product and have received full disclosure, prior to acquisition. However, once you own the business and start living the day to day with all its grittiness you don't really know the business. I think your gut is screaming at you that this isn't a good match and you don't have the energy for it, including couseling. Even with counseling, it's possible you won't like the situation any better. There comes a time to cut your losses rather than invest precious resources to them. This is a great analogy. Everything looked great on the surface then when we stared to dig deeper we are very different. We do share a lot of things in common and we share similar political, religious views. It looks as if it is a great match on paper. The difference comes in what we want in life. My dreams and goals aren't the same as his. What we want in life is different. If we met under different circumstances I do think we could have made this work. The way we went about everything from the beginning was wrong.We should have thought things through and planned. We rushed through everything without thinking.
Poppygoodwill Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I got drawn into an EA with a married man when I was quite young and he left his wife and we started a physical, exclusive relationship right away. We lived in separate cities so that helped keep things on a bit of a slow boil. We were together nearly four years before we broke up, but over that time it became clear to me that he just needed someone to throw in the middle of his marriage, like a grenade, to blow it up. Then he needed to convince himself and everyone else, that our relationship was more real somehow than his marriage, so he hung in there. But truth was we weren't well suited and neither of us were particularly happy. I think he had just latched onto me as a way out. I finally ended it in October 2008, by August 2009 he married someone new that he started dating after we broke up. It made his pattern of not being able to be alone and other things, even more obvious. I hear they're still together, but no one is betting on them making it that far because of how it started. I don't know the stats, but I do know from experience that a relationship is different than an affair and being in one doesn't mean you'll want to be in the other. STill, you have gone through all this to be with this man, so give it your best shot so that you'll know in the end that you did all you could if it doesn't work out.
WrinkledForehead Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Yes, we made it to having an R. I was a single Ow and he was in a LT committed R. The affair lasted 6 months. We're almost 4 months after the end of that R. We work so hard to understand each other. There are broken parts to both of us. I'm dealing with insecurity and he is struggling with some esteem issues because of the choices he made (having an A and all the nasty that comes with that: lying, cheating, etc). One thing we assessed while in the A was if we'd be good partners for each other. We share world views, have great communication, an explosive sex life (this is a very high priority for both of us). We don't live together. We still have some tricky waters to navigate because the A was kept secret and still is. I haven't met people close to him. I'm pushing for it, he's working on being ready to introduce me, and it causes tension. Yesterday we spent hours and hours partly arguing, but mostly discussing, this issue and anything else that needs to be cleared. Its hard work, and regularly. But not most of the time. I admire and respect and adore and love this man, and vice versa. We are very happy and we're both committed to working through our issues. Best of luck, OP. I think you got some great advice in this thread. 1
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 It’s been a month since I last posted and things looked like they were getting better. We were working out our trust issues and other things. We stared talking and planning to go on a vacation everything was going great. Like everything in my life now it all comes crashing down sooner or later. I stared arguing about one of my sons and we both said things we shouldn’t have said. The reason why we stared arguing was the last straw. I’m done with him and he must be done with me since he left and won’t answer his cell. I don’t care anymore he can go wherever he wants. Its stared last Wednesday, one of my sons was sick. I decided to keep with me and take care of him. I sent my oldest with my Ex. I could tell that BF was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and that I let my other son go with back to his dads. My son stayed for two more days and then a dropped him off Friday night. I come back from dropping my son off my BF already a sleep so I went to sleep as well. I wake up today and for whatever reason my BF stares giving me the silent treatment I ignored him for most of the day. Around dinner I ask him if everything ok BF starts going off about all the things I don’t do and out right compares me to his Ex wife and as if that wasn’t enough he brings my ex and kids into it. He was more than annoyed that I kept my son. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it, it’s his turn to watch them. After that I went off and we stared screaming match. He had enough and left. I tried to keep this together I wanted this to work. I really tried I give it my all. I have nothing left to give I have done everything he has asked with question just to make him happy. I have bent over backwards for him for what. I give up everything to be with him I was willing to do anything for him.
rumbleseat Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 It’s been a month since I last posted and things looked like they were getting better. We were working out our trust issues and other things. We stared talking and planning to go on a vacation everything was going great. Like everything in my life now it all comes crashing down sooner or later. I stared arguing about one of my sons and we both said things we shouldn’t have said. The reason why we stared arguing was the last straw. I’m done with him and he must be done with me since he left and won’t answer his cell. I don’t care anymore he can go wherever he wants. Its stared last Wednesday, one of my sons was sick. I decided to keep with me and take care of him. I sent my oldest with my Ex. I could tell that BF was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and that I let my other son go with back to his dads. My son stayed for two more days and then a dropped him off Friday night. I come back from dropping my son off my BF already a sleep so I went to sleep as well. I wake up today and for whatever reason my BF stares giving me the silent treatment I ignored him for most of the day. Around dinner I ask him if everything ok BF starts going off about all the things I don’t do and out right compares me to his Ex wife and as if that wasn’t enough he brings my ex and kids into it. He was more than annoyed that I kept my son. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it, it’s his turn to watch them. After that I went off and we stared screaming match. He had enough and left. I tried to keep this together I wanted this to work. I really tried I give it my all. I have nothing left to give I have done everything he has asked with question just to make him happy. I have bent over backwards for him for what. I give up everything to be with him I was willing to do anything for him. It almost sounds as if you are staying because you feel you have to, not because you really want to. How much longer will you let this continue? Where do you draw the line? Will you stay with him, maybe even marry him just because you think you should? Won't that mean possibly missing out on finding a guy who really makes you happy or spending the rest of your life on your own but happy?
Popsicle Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 It’s been a month since I last posted and things looked like they were getting better. We were working out our trust issues and other things. We stared talking and planning to go on a vacation everything was going great. Like everything in my life now it all comes crashing down sooner or later. I stared arguing about one of my sons and we both said things we shouldn’t have said. The reason why we stared arguing was the last straw. I’m done with him and he must be done with me since he left and won’t answer his cell. I don’t care anymore he can go wherever he wants. Its stared last Wednesday, one of my sons was sick. I decided to keep with me and take care of him. I sent my oldest with my Ex. I could tell that BF was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and that I let my other son go with back to his dads. My son stayed for two more days and then a dropped him off Friday night. I come back from dropping my son off my BF already a sleep so I went to sleep as well. I wake up today and for whatever reason my BF stares giving me the silent treatment I ignored him for most of the day. Around dinner I ask him if everything ok BF starts going off about all the things I don’t do and out right compares me to his Ex wife and as if that wasn’t enough he brings my ex and kids into it. He was more than annoyed that I kept my son. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it, it’s his turn to watch them. After that I went off and we stared screaming match. He had enough and left. I tried to keep this together I wanted this to work. I really tried I give it my all. I have nothing left to give I have done everything he has asked with question just to make him happy. I have bent over backwards for him for what. I give up everything to be with him I was willing to do anything for him. Your BF sounds really immature. That is your child and he was sick. 5
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 It almost sounds as if you are staying because you feel you have to, not because you really want to. How much longer will you let this continue? Where do you draw the line? Will you stay with him, maybe even marry him just because you think you should? Won't that mean possibly missing out on finding a guy who really makes you happy or spending the rest of your life on your own but happy? I haven’t stayed because I felt I had too, main reason I stayed was to prove to myself that I made the right choice. It doesn’t matter now it’s over I was wrong. I plan to move in with one of my friends for right now while I look for a new place to live. I start my new job in march don’t have anything holding me back now. Its not the way I wanted things too end but its for the best we aren’t right for each other 1
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 You tried and it didn't work out. It takes two to make it work and it seems he wasn't in it for long haul. He gave up and found an out. His loss. Sorry you're hurting.
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Your BF sounds really immature. That is your child and he was sick. My BF doesn’t have kids of his own and never wanted any, he just can’t/couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child. 1
ClemsonTigers Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I stayed was to prove to myself that I made the right choice. You now realize you didn't make "the right choice". A relationship build upon the lies, deceit and the betrayal of others NEVER work out (some stay together, as you did for awhile to PROVE to themselves and other they made the right choice but they are always miserable marriages/relationships of continued lying, deceit and mistrust). Any chance your ex-husband will take you back. It may be a long difficult road of humility and repentance but it's been done many times before. It is actually your (and your children's) best shot at true happiness and besides it actually would be "the right choice" you should have made long ago. Good luck.
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