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Am I completely clueless... or is he really still into me?

reinaterror

By reinaterror
in Long-Distance Relationships

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reinaterror New Member

reinaterror

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I have an honest question for you guys... I am okay with brutal honesty, and this is my favorite forum so I figured I'd ask here.

 

Backstory: I'm moving to Europe (a certain country which I won't name for anonymity) in 9 months. I've planned this move for about two years, and about 8 months ago I found a cool website for it. All that info! Friendly locals! Ways to learn the language! I was hooked.

 

I met an awesome guy on that site about 7 months ago, and we've kept in almost daily contact since. There are days we don't talk but if so, it's because we're both busy and/or out of town. For the first three months, we spoke all the time for hours a day and he actually told me he was developing feelings for me. It was like almost constant contact and he said he loved everything about me. I felt the same way. It looked like things were heading into "ok, once we meet in person, we're going to immediately be together" territory.

 

After those three months where things went really quickly, we both kind of took a step back (him moreso than me), though we're still in frequent contact, call each other, Skype, send pictures, etc. He knows I am visiting his country for a month in June (not to worry--I'll be an hour from him. My main objective in moving there is not him; it's always been school and work) and we plan to meet up.

 

The thing is, I'm not sure if he's still into me. Hear me out: though we speak almost daily, it's not as intense as those first three months. He said he wants to date me in person and get to know me (which I am so cool with, and agree with), but it's weird to me that we don't speak as much or as intensely as we used to. I'm not even sure if that's the right word. He used to say things like "I love everything about you" and now while he still says he loves me, it's not as often. I asked him if he wanted to take a weekend trip with me to another country (an hour flight away--I have family in this other country) when I'm there in June and he said he would let me know, was not saying no, not to worry, and that he just needed to think about it.

Bonus aside: He's told his family about me (they've even said hi to me on Skype), and all his friends know too. They joke with him when he's texting me and say "oooooh, you're talking to heeeeer!" like he's in high school... haha.

 

Though sometimes he's a bit unresponsive and it's definitely not like it was at first. That said, whenever he goes out with friends he spends time texting me, this past New Year's he texted me immediately at midnight saying he wished I was there, if he gets drunk he immediately drunk dials me to talk, we have phone sex and he still says he loves me and he can't wait to see me. But... like I said, sometimes he's not as responsive as he used to be. It might take him a couple of hours or even a half day to respond whereas before it was almost immediately. I just feel like I'm getting some mixed signals and I don't know if he's still into me but really does want to take it slow or if he's just trying to phase me out. If it's the former, I'm okay with it and think it's a really good idea to take it slower.

 

Is he just being cautious and he really does like me?

 

TL;DR: I like a guy who I haven't met, and we're very affectionate but I sense him pulling back. Is he still into me, but just being cautious?

The Thinker Member

The Thinker

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Posted (edited)

There's only one way to find out; talk to him about it. If not you're just going to over think this to no end and drive yourself insane!

Edited by The Thinker
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reinaterror New Member

reinaterror

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Hey! Thanks for your response.

 

I'm afraid that asking him will only serve to complicate things; I'm cautious he will think that I am trying to pigeonhole him into a relationship, which is not what I want. I just want to make sure he's still feeling the same affection for me as he did from the beginning.

TMichaels Established Member

TMichaels

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I just want to make sure he's still feeling the same affection for me as he did from the beginning.

 

Why? You said you're moving to his country NOT for him but for work and school reasons.

 

Do you have an expiration date or something? What's the difference? What's the rush?

 

Sounds like the only one who's being realistic is him in terms of realizing an online crush isn't real life.

 

Move because of your original reasons. Meet up and see if there's any spark in person and quit putting the cart before the horse.

 

Best,

TMichaels

justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

Posted
Posted
I am okay with brutal honesty
I'm all for brutal honesty :)

 

I'm moving to Europe (a certain country which I won't name for anonymity) in 9 months.

...

He knows I am visiting his country for a month in June (not to worry--I'll be an hour from him. My main objective in moving there is not him; it's always been school and work) and we plan to meet up.

This is not very clear. You live in country A, and moving to country B. How long for? Does he live in country B or near country B? If he lives in country C, are you visiting country C for a month while living in country B?

 

though we speak almost daily, it's not as intense as those first three months. He said he wants to date me in person and get to know me (which I am so cool with, and agree with), but it's weird to me that we don't speak as much or as intensely as we used to. I'm not even sure if that's the right word. He used to say things like "I love everything about you" and now while he still says he loves me, it's not as often. I asked him if he wanted to take a weekend trip with me to another country (an hour flight away--I have family in this other country) when I'm there in June and he said he would let me know, was not saying no, not to worry, and that he just needed to think about it.
Don't you think he's being wise?

1) He needs to meet you in person and see if he's attracted to you.

2) The more that day of your arrival approaches, the more everything becomes so real... and he can freak out somehow. Is he shy?

3) You didn't offer to spend time with him on a leisure trip somewhere both of you would enjoy, you asked him to meet your relatives... He hasn't even met you yet! That's a bit too demanding and binding... I know he couldn't give a thing, as you might travel as friends, but he might have mixed feelings about that, and for a reason.

4) Also, make sure about his budget, he might be tight with money, and can't spend everything for a weekend with you. If he's well off, skip this, otherwise be sure you consider this.

5) Get in touch with him less frequently, and see if he looks for you or asks why you're not around as often.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

IMO, meet first before you go into all this analysis. Everything will be much clearer after meeting.

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reinaterror New Member

reinaterror

Posted
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Posted

 

 

This is not very clear. You live in country A, and moving to country B. How long for? Does he live in country B or near country B? If he lives in country C, are you visiting country C for a month while living in country B?

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I live in the U.S. He lives in the Netherlands. I'm moving to the Netherlands for at least five years (I'm attending an intense post-graduate program + further schooling specifically for my field). I have dual U.S./Italian citizenship and thus can live in Europe indefinitely. He knows this. I'm visiting the Netherlands for a month in 4.5 months for an entire month, moving there officially about 2.5 months after that visit. Hope that's clear :)

 

Don't you think he's being wise?

1) He needs to meet you in person and see if he's attracted to you.

2) The more that day of your arrival approaches, the more everything becomes so real... and he can freak out somehow. Is he shy?

3) You didn't offer to spend time with him on a leisure trip somewhere both of you would enjoy, you asked him to meet your relatives... He hasn't even met you yet! That's a bit too demanding and binding... I know he couldn't give a thing, as you might travel as friends, but he might have mixed feelings about that, and for a reason.

4) Also, make sure about his budget, he might be tight with money, and can't spend everything for a weekend with you. If he's well off, skip this, otherwise be sure you consider this.

5) Get in touch with him less frequently, and see if he looks for you or asks why you're not around as often.

 

1. I think this is wise.

2. I've asked him if he's shy or nervous about it and he says no, but it could just be bravado talking?

3. Nooooooooooooo, I'm so sorry I didn't explain! I wanted to visit a part of the country where I DON'T have family, but I have family about 5 hours away, still within that country. I want to visit Sicily because it's AWESOME in the summer, and he's always told me he wants me to show him Sicily since my heritage is from there, I used to live there, etc. Where I plan on vacationing is literally a five hour train ride from family. Funny you mention that--I even told him I would NOT be taking him to visit family so we could just relax. :)

4. I've considered this, but I think he does alright financially. He just got back from three weeks in Morocco and a ski trip with his family in Austria.

5. This is a good tactic, but it feels like game playing and that makes me upset :(

The Thinker Member

The Thinker

Posted
Posted
Hey! Thanks for your response.

 

I'm afraid that asking him will only serve to complicate things; I'm cautious he will think that I am trying to pigeonhole him into a relationship, which is not what I want. I just want to make sure he's still feeling the same affection for me as he did from the beginning.

 

What if you just say something like "I've noticed we don't talk as much anymore" or "you've seemed a bit different in our conversations recently, is everything okay?"... something along these lines. It wouldn't sound like you're trying to corner him into a relationship, but more like a friend who is concerned.

justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

Posted
Posted
Hope that's clear :)[Q
Yes. Thanks.

 

I've asked him if he's shy or nervous about it and he says no, but it could just be bravado talking?
Then I guess he's just being cautious so that he doesn't have to regret later on.

 

This is a good tactic, but it feels like game playing and that makes me upset
I don't see this as playing games, it's more like mirroring or playing along for a short time, to see if it's just in your mind or there's ground for the way you are feeling. You need something more objective than just the way you feel. It will give you food for thought.

 

What if you just say something like "I've noticed we don't talk as much anymore" or "you've seemed a bit different in our conversations recently, is everything okay?"
In my experience, this is something that doesn't work well. The answer will be 99.9% no.
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