Just recently broke up - Storytelling time, need some insight :)

[Sasukie]

There's a TL;DR section below if you don't want to read my tale.

 

Hi everyone,

 

My questions:

a) is the new guy a rebound? She said she's not revisiting our relationship, closed the book and put it away (she said she didn't miss me at all or didn't feel sad)

 

b) is there anything to do to fill the "void", apart from working out? Are there other activities post break up?

 

Background:

I just recently went through a breakup with my gf (now ex). A bit of background first:

I've graduated from university and hold a full time job in the business field. I graduated with high distinction and so have been more of the studious type. I love being active playing sports and also a gamer. Anyways my friend introduced me to a girl he recently met and we hit it off. We went through a lot of ups and downs in our relationship but overall it went really well. We were each other's "first"s for many things and although I've dated two girls in the past, I would categorize this as my first true love.

 

Now comes the differences, a lot of our fights revolved around the baggage that came with her. She failed university and went on probation and was doing poorly due to lack of dedication, poor studying habits, hanging with the wrong crowd, and totally f'ing it up in university (academically) drinking partying and all the wild stuff. Now I'm not against drinking or anything but it was a bit too much.

 

Thus when we got together I made a promise that I would guide her through school and so I did, gave her tips from what I learnt, helped her with interviews and helped her land a position in a hospital, etc. Overall her life seemed to be making a turn for the better and I was proud of her. (She stopped partying, drinking, and all that saying that she understood those things did nothing positive)

 

Fast forward past all the happy lovey dovey stuff - we hit our one year anniversary and all was good. I met her friends family and they all approved of me and thought I was the best boyfriend yet. However perhaps she lost interest or maybe my intentions for her to do well were too much for her, but she told me that she wanted to spend only half the time with me now and half with her friends. (I used to live with her for a couple months) Then after a few fights, she told me she lost physical attraction to me and didn't see me as a bf but a best friend. Afterwards she acted really cold, blunt and rude to me, and soon after our first year anniversary I chose to break it off. Because there was too much friction. Anyways, we did a bit of hesitation the following day and she requested the "two weeks" to think about things. I held on and honestly wanted to work things out since there were only small tweaks on my side. Fastforward - we broke up, she said she didn't love me anymore and she gave me a pity pat as we did the final breakup hug.

Anyways, fast forward a month or so, I went to go get my stuff back. We have a talk and turns out she's fully moved on. However she's changed - reverted back to her old self but even worse, drinking is like her only interest and focus (she never had hobbies), messing up in school, and swearing a lot. I also find out, this guy that I met while I was dating her (supposedly was just her classmate) moved in right after the breakup or perhaps even before, and she told me that they might be dating soon.

 

I'm not sure what I should feel right now, I've read plenty about the 5 stages, I went through some of them then reverted some, and now back to No contact. I've had plenty of people tell me she's absolutely not worth it, but I just wanted to get some insight from people. Much thanks!

 

I know this was a longgg story so for those: Tl;dr:

-gf and I broke up after 1 year - everything was good, then loses attraction, gives me a bs excuse for not getting back together, finds out she's going to date another guy. I'm not sure how or what to feel.

Edited January 7, 2014 by Sasukie
Updated for extra info

[fixing]

Well.... First off, you didnt only dodge a bullet, your dodged a weapon of mass destruction here, this is for the best.

 

Mate, i know its very hard to see now, because you will be ripped apart inside with pain and rejection etc, bargaining 5 stages, but wow, you have had a lucky break here.

 

You sound amazing, a real life achiever, you did so much for this girl and she, ultimately threw it all back in your face. Sorry to be so blunt, but she is a loser, and sounds like she enjoys being a loser.

 

She probably did start seeing this other little tramp while you were together (My guess)

What you gotta do now is cut ALL contact, and never look back, she will drag you down man, your a success, she's, well, whatever...

 

Sounds like you were not only the driver, but the co driver and the navigator in this relationship. Time to hang the gloves up, heal, and meet someone more fitting down the line, some woman who will be equally as determined to be successful and happy!

 

No contact and good luck

[Sasukie]

Much thanks Fixer!

 

I've realized that..only thing is how do I let go of those positive feelings that I felt when I was with her? I feel like I was lucky that I was able to date the "good" side of her for the year, and only now has she changed. (She does have tendencies of acting...)

[fixing]

I know what you mean sir. Truth is, only time will fade those strong emotions of what was once perfect. Seems like you brought out the best in her with your continued efforts throughout the year! But the 'real' her is what you see now.

 

If you implement No contact over say 3-4 months, those feelings for her will be gone and you will see that you were with a bit of an impostor, an 'actor' like you say, until she lost interest and she reverted back to her old ways from before you met her.

 

I kinda have a similar experience i suppose, in that, my ex of a year and a half, presented herself as this loving, caring, fully committed motherly type woman the whole time until i discovered she was sleeping around with many different men and bad mouthing me to her friends LOL!!

 

Took me a while to realise that i was in fact in love with a mirage.

[Sasukie]

Jeez! Seems like you had it a lot rougher than me..

 

Yea, I was pretty emotionally volatile for a while. But the moment I found out she had another guy "lined" up, I realized that it just wasn't worth it.

 

I think the saddest part of this whole process is that it has made me a little jaded of this whole relationship thing. Anyways we'll see! Thanks! Did you pick up any hobbies after your break up?

[fixing]

Yeah man, most def, its left me feeling 'jaded' too. But, thats the thing, we must NOT, let our past relationship hinder our new one. I can already see that i am perceiving women different now after the cheating. I mustn't though...

 

Actually, i didnt really pick up any new hobbies, but i took up my old ones, like making music, and writing film scripts again (Trying anyway)

 

Thats exactly what you should do though sir, you gotta fill in that empty void now, if your a gamer though, your pretty much set! But for sure, take up more exercise mate, anything that keeps you busy until you got over this girl!

[Sasukie]

Going to update this with my own 2 cents in the main post. Hope guys like me will be able to view their breakups in a different perspective.

[Sasukie]

For now I can just post it as is:

 

Tips for guys from My own experience:

-One time I told my friend after my break up, "she's the best, she and I have so much in common!" They asked me like what? My response: "We can talk about things so openly! We like eating out! We like watching movies and shows together! Going out or sleeping together in bed! Playing sports!" They just looked at me and said: You can't do that with "no one" else? Hard to argue that point guys, though it might, but you can. It'll be ultimately awkward but just a quick point to keep in mind.

 

-if you are a nice guy, make sure you don't change your own personality (nice is good, having empathy for others is a strong point.) The important thing is to not let it go overboard, the moment you let your girlfriend run the show, you're headed downhill.

 

-It doesn't matter whether you treat her like a princess, queen, or anything. Too much of you, or your help/love, she will one day lose appreciation of it and get bored of it. Been there, done that. (Seriously.) Space it out, let her want you to give her attention. Also if you guys do fight and she pouts, once in a while give in, but don't constantly do it. That's not how arguments are won, don't be a pushover!

 

-If you just broke up, let's be honest, its hard to reconcile and "fix" things. I read one analogy that really stuck with me. A relationship is like a vase, once you "break" it, its broken, you can try and mend it but a crack is already there and it won't be the same. Yes, I do know the few odd cases where people can get back together and they come back stronger, I once believed I could pull it off too. No. It didn't work lol.

 

-I also really enjoyed reading the "Realizations from my own breakup" thread in this forum, I also agree that all relationships will run their course. I think our society has changed quite significantly, and now it is less frequent that people do stay together because one person is bound to get "bored". (Hate this concept). Honestly if you've broken up, keep No contact, cut all contact, and do something else. Don't hold on hope or mope, worrying about whether the person will come back to you. I've gone through that step too and if you think about it pragmatically, there's a reason why you guys broke up, and you should take that lesson and put it forward to your next relationship.

 

-I think ever since my breakup I've heard bajillion renditions of this phrase that I hate hearing after a breakup: "Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea" "Why are you hugging onto that one tree, if you do that, you can't see the forest" "There are 6 billion + people, there's plenty of others in the world."

Right after a break up, I think thats the last piece of advice anyone wants to hear. But nonetheless, whenever you say "I won't be able to find another "love" like her, or something in that context. Think about that sentence again, yea it sucks and it hurts, but you can and you will.

 

-Btw, don't be a sucker for the "You can be my friend" after the breakup. The moment one person walks, you should walk too.

[Sasukie]

Hey Fixing and the LS community..I've been wondering if anyone's gone through a similar thing- ex gf and I were really open to each other, we both acted like we were husband and wife, cooking for each other taking care of each other. She spoke to me the same way she spoke to her family (I spoke to her parents and heard her speak to her brother and family the same way) however she speaks more gangster and different with others.

 

I guess this is for myself but do you think she'll ever "realize" what I was to her and maybe even regret it? Her friends and family always said she was making a bad mistake regarding me. Right now she's firm that she made the right choice and never felt sad about her decision.

 

She was always the type to make wrong choices. We joked about this a lot when we were together, like I would choose a backup bubble tea and she would want to try a new flavor, and the moment she tasted it I knew that it was good to buy the backup and gave it to her.

[fixing]

She will realise how good you were to her one day for sure. No doubt considering how well you treated her! She will most likely realise how truly great you were to her when this other loser she is with treats her like garbage!

And, hopefully, by that stage, you will have moved on, and you wont love her anymore, thats when it will really hit home to her how she threw away the best man she could of ever had!

[Sasukie]

Thanks for the quick reply You brightened up my day yesterday with your post haha.

 

My friend and I laughed when I showed him the 5 stages that guys who are too nice face coming up to a breakup.

 

Both of us treated our girlfriends like princesses because that was our nature and be both got "beta-fied"

[fixing]

Im glad that i helped you a little yesterday! All what i said is 100% true too!

 

Whatever you do though, never change how good you are to your next girlfriend. Dont let this idiot change how you treat other women. You got burned, thats all! The scar will heal over time.

 

If you do good things in life, you will be rewarded for it in the long run! Trust me, she will see the error of her ways when she is sat there with some fat alcoholic who sends her down the off license for more beer, and collects welfare checks for a living.

I mean, thats the route she seems to be taking according to you, with all her drinking, and wild nights out, failing and misbehaving all the time!

[Sasukie]

I hope you don't mind if I vent a little -

 

We actually had really crazy issues haha. She had a fat alcoholic friend whom as she stated "was the main reason why she screwed up in uni". He's a bad influence and tells her to party only and enjoy life and drink. Drink is the answer for everything. Obviously I was against this and he was one of the main reasons why I was so insecure about her staying over at his place at times. (But he is her "best friend", i was a little wary given that he kissed her but she told me she wasn't interested).

 

Anyways, yea because I was more stable with income I drove her everywhere and tried to treat her to food and going outside whenever she had a chance to keep her spirits up. But now given her choice, it was a little disappointing that when I went to pick up my stuff she had booze on the floor, she's living pay cheque by paycheque, and it just seems like she's degraded.

 

I feel sad because even though my life style might not be the most fun in comparison to that wild party style, I know that it's what was required. Me tutoring her and trying to help her raise her GPA. Now it no longer matters.

(Hit to my ego was when I tutored her in a subject on the weekends. I work long hours 14-16 hour weekdays during that time, and still wanted to help her. I didn't get much thanks or appreciation, her "best friend" takes her out for a drink and a cigar and she appreciates it tremendously. I think that stung. Oh well!

[fixing]

I know what you mean. Of course its going to hit your ego. She is an ungrateful bitch. You provided EVERYTHING for her and she threw it back in your face.

 

And good god, i can imagine her pisshead friend too!

 

Its good to vent too. Much better to do it here, than to ring her and try and reason with her over her declining behavour.

 

She's made her nail bed, now let her lie down on it.

 

Truth is, its gonna take a little while to get over this rejection, and the obvious downgrade that she chose, it does not, and should not compute after how well you treated her!

Never try to reason with the unreasonable.

 

I was kinda like you too. I treated my ex like a princess. Taught her English, picked her up in my arms daily and cradled her like a baby for jokes, boosted her confidence so much, allowed her pure freedom with staying out with any males she wanted. Brung her breakfast every morning, pleased her sexually in everyway, EVERYTHING LOL. I made sure i made no mistakes with this woman like i did my ex, and boom, turns out she was sleeping with these so called 'male friends' for a long time i was bitter, but now im better, and you will be too, i promise, just realise, your the good guy here, shes the bad guy, this is not your fault, its ALL on her mate.

[Sasukie]

I couldn't have said it better. Thanks for clearing things up for me. Also it's been a while so I've already been on no contact and will let time dull my pains.

 

I feel sorry for you because it seems like you did no wrong, yet because it was the wrong woman, it went to "waste"..

 

One day Fixer, you seem like a really nice and rational guy, I do hope that you meet the right girl who will appreciate all those things you did to your ex. Don't feel jaded at that point, this phase that we both faced will just help us screen out the bad ones from the good (hopefully)

 

Cheers! Btw, what age range are you?

[fixing]

Yes We will both find perfect ladies for sure! I am 28 btw