MrGuy Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Really want some advise please. I had a paranoia problem and most of it is gone now but it was a huge problem for me and her. First off We've seen each other in person and have been together for 5 years. She hasn't been in the mood for a month and her reason is because we've been fighting a lot, over stupid things. Now for the most part I've been fixing everything that irritated her and been trying my ass off to please this women. But there are moments where she gets upset and that she wants me to wait again. It's like If i make a mistake or if we fight she will reset it and i have to wait longer. I am frustrated beyond belief, when i try to talk to her about it she doesn't not want to listen to me and she'll give me about 5 min of talking then she'll get angry and begin to ignore me. She'll keep saying our relationship is dead, she despises me etc. but then she's still with me?! She mentions she's tired and sick of talking about the sex thing and that i should just be patient. Every time i try to make an attempt at start something intimate she turns me down, and i'm expected to say sorry and comfort her afterwards. She said that she'll want it with me at some point again. But is it just a bad month? almost two months now. Am I being impatient? Is there more? Please tell me If i am, help me and tell me what you think i should do. I know i seem pathetic but it's been very frustrating.
OnlyHonesty Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Why on earth are you still with this person? It sounds like some kind of sexual manipulation where you are 'rewarded' with intimacy if you play by their rules or do as they say. This is not a relationship, it is unhealthy, bad for your self esteem and you are trying to please her? You will find the more you try to please her, the worse it will get. You know what you need to do here and it does not involve sex with her. That is the least of your concerns. You need to ask yourself why you would remain with someone who disrespects you, ignores you, is not intimate, is verbally abusive and clearly has no respect for you. Ask yourself what sort of person would accept such treatment and remain in the situation. Now as yourself whether you could ever respect someone who accepts such behaviour.
Author MrGuy Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 to be fair there's more to this then that. I realize i made her seem all bad, but i was abusive verbally in the relationship long before but i changed since then. it's just she tried to assure me that I was the only one for her and that she only wants me (because every time i get turned on i keep thinking she's getting her satisfaction from someone else). A week went by recently and it was going well up to the point where we had a stupid little conversation, we were both upset but it was minor then all of a sudden i brought up the stupid question asking. So when will we be able to get intimate? i then keep pushing it on her. Yes I know, if any one else mind giving me more advise? Also thanks for responding
Grumpybutfun Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Withholding sex as punishment is not ok and definitely not healthy. No one deserves to be controlled and manipulated in this manner. Why do you think this is the behavior you deserve? What happened to you to make you think this is acceptable? It isn't and you need to break up and find yourself and focus on becoming healthier and less tolerant of jacked up behavior from others. Good luck, G 1
HeavenOrHell Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 How often do you meet up? Does she enjoy sex when you're with her?
GemmaUK Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 She said the relationship is dead. You were verbally abusive in the relationship. Sounds like she is fed up with validating herself and that can just turn you off someone hugely. I also suspect that you keep talking her round to not end the relationship maybe? She gives in, you expect her to get hot for you right away, that doesn't happen and it all starts again?
justwhoiam Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I had a paranoia problem and most of it is gone now but it was a huge problem ... Now for the most part I've been fixing everything that irritated her and been trying my ass off to please this women. But there are moments where she gets upset and that she wants me to wait again. It's like If i make a mistake or if we fight she will reset it and i have to wait longer. She was patient with you. She stayed, when she could have left, while you tried to get yourself together. We don't know how long it took you to get where you are now. But keep your demands under control if a reasonable time has gone by. At this time, you being demanding would be out of place. I don't know your case or what happened exactly, but usually, if she is not all over you, it's because there are unsolved issues behind. For a woman, not feeling in the mood for sex if she has been hurt is not withholding sex in my book. Every time i try to make an attempt at start something intimate she turns me down, and i'm expected to say sorry and comfort her afterwards. Again, I'm not able to understand the dynamics. If you acted like an a----le for a year and she felt unloved, but you expected her to make her body available or want you sexually after a month or less, maybe it's too soon. I know you said it's two months, but you've been constantly pushing for sex during this time. Remember that everything starts from the mind. If there were issues and especially if they are still there, and you keep pushing for sex, she might think that's the only thing you're interested in. It's a big turn off. Also, the way you described all this didn't sound right. Remember that whatever you are doing to make things work shouldn't be meant to please her, rather it's supposed to help you both in the relationship. Do you think this kind of talk didn't reach her ears nor sent the wrong vibes to her? As if you are making an effort to make her happy. I guess what you do should be meant to improve yourself as a person and as a man, if - as you said - you made big mistakes with her and probably you hurt her bad. Is there more? ... to be fair there's more to this then that. I supposed so, just by reading your first post. every time i get turned on i keep thinking she's getting her satisfaction from someone else Well, your paranoia is still there, apparently. How are you showing her you have changed? all of a sudden i brought up the stupid question asking. So when will we be able to get intimate? If you ask me, that might be a big turn off for her. Because of the way you asked, the fact that you keep asking, and after an argument too. First, work on yourself, not thinking you are doing her a favor. You must do that for yourself, to not f your life up. In general. Secondly, be nice, set the right mood, don't expect sex out of context. You have not been intimate with her for 2 months, romance her, without expecting to have sex. Get her to the point where she wants you sexually. Smell good, let her see you naked, talk nicely, help her out with whatever she needs during the day, but don't push her for sex. Cuddle her, hug her a lot, kiss her. Leave it at that. She needs to be aroused. And she should be naturally aroused by you. Just now, probably her mind stops her from being aroused, because you hurt her. So you need to rekindle things. By the way, this is the LDR forum and it looks like you are together most of the time. How far are you from her? How often do you meet up with her?
regine_phalange Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Really want some advise please. I had a paranoia problem and most of it is gone now but it was a huge problem for me and her. First off We've seen each other in person and have been together for 5 years. She hasn't been in the mood for a month and her reason is because we've been fighting a lot, over stupid things. Now for the most part I've been fixing everything that irritated her and been trying my ass off to please this women. But there are moments where she gets upset and that she wants me to wait again. It's like If i make a mistake or if we fight she will reset it and i have to wait longer. I am frustrated beyond belief, when i try to talk to her about it she doesn't not want to listen to me and she'll give me about 5 min of talking then she'll get angry and begin to ignore me. She'll keep saying our relationship is dead, she despises me etc. but then she's still with me?! She mentions she's tired and sick of talking about the sex thing and that i should just be patient. Every time i try to make an attempt at start something intimate she turns me down, and i'm expected to say sorry and comfort her afterwards. She said that she'll want it with me at some point again. But is it just a bad month? almost two months now. Am I being impatient? Is there more? Please tell me If i am, help me and tell me what you think i should do. I know i seem pathetic but it's been very frustrating. Has happened to me too! Being in a LDR, last time we met was 2 months prior. We went on two week vacation in one of the most romantic places in the world, and... intimacy 0. Zero! Didnt matter if he had an erection (men cant hide that). I had to be punished because I had postponed moving to his country. He ended up being a major abusive, sociopathic person in a charming disguise. The kind of person who uses sex as a means of power. I just left him. Later I found out that he slept with a girl in order to use her professional connections. Disgusting. 1
Author MrGuy Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 She was patient with you. She stayed, when she could have left, while you tried to get yourself together. We don't know how long it took you to get where you are now. But keep your demands under control if a reasonable time has gone by. At this time, you being demanding would be out of place. I don't know your case or what happened exactly, but usually, if she is not all over you, it's because there are unsolved issues behind. For a woman, not feeling in the mood for sex if she has been hurt is not withholding sex in my book. Again, I'm not able to understand the dynamics. If you acted like an a----le for a year and she felt unloved, but you expected her to make her body available or want you sexually after a month or less, maybe it's too soon. I know you said it's two months, but you've been constantly pushing for sex during this time. Remember that everything starts from the mind. If there were issues and especially if they are still there, and you keep pushing for sex, she might think that's the only thing you're interested in. It's a big turn off. Also, the way you described all this didn't sound right. Remember that whatever you are doing to make things work shouldn't be meant to please her, rather it's supposed to help you both in the relationship. Do you think this kind of talk didn't reach her ears nor sent the wrong vibes to her? As if you are making an effort to make her happy. I guess what you do should be meant to improve yourself as a person and as a man, if - as you said - you made big mistakes with her and probably you hurt her bad. I supposed so, just by reading your first post. Well, your paranoia is still there, apparently. How are you showing her you have changed? If you ask me, that might be a big turn off for her. Because of the way you asked, the fact that you keep asking, and after an argument too. First, work on yourself, not thinking you are doing her a favor. You must do that for yourself, to not f your life up. In general. Secondly, be nice, set the right mood, don't expect sex out of context. You have not been intimate with her for 2 months, romance her, without expecting to have sex. Get her to the point where she wants you sexually. Smell good, let her see you naked, talk nicely, help her out with whatever she needs during the day, but don't push her for sex. Cuddle her, hug her a lot, kiss her. Leave it at that. She needs to be aroused. And she should be naturally aroused by you. Just now, probably her mind stops her from being aroused, because you hurt her. So you need to rekindle things. By the way, this is the LDR forum and it looks like you are together most of the time. How far are you from her? How often do you meet up with her? This is really great advice. Haven't been on for awhile because I've been sick but was also Me and my girlfriend are taking it very slow at the moment though she did show a little intimacy so that's a good sign.. Talking to her everyday so far we haven't fought but she has been busy lately for the past few days, she's close with her family which i like. Hopefully things get better, thank you for your insight.
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