mtnbiker3000 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 It's funny. While dating, my ex often complained that I tried to control her (actually, this was mostly in response to her actions, or lack there of). But in hind sight, she was in complete and utter control of the RS. She got everything she wanted / needed, and I got shyte. And, she made me believe I was in the wrong all the time... Damn she was a good manipulator. Real good. I didn't even know it... 3
True Gent Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 It's funny. While dating, my ex often complained that I tried to control her (actually, this was mostly in response to her actions, or lack there of). But in hind sight, she was in complete and utter control of the RS. She got everything she wanted / needed, and I got shyte. And, she made me believe I was in the wrong all the time... Damn she was a good manipulator. Real good. I didn't even know it... Very similar for me, only mine didn't say I was controlling her. She did get everything her way, what she wanted/needed. I also got shyte looking back on it. She made everything out to be my fault, even when it was clear I was doing all I could. It's funny a month without her and I really am seeing things for how they were. 4
mantlefan Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Is this gaslighting? This site is the first place I have heard the term and am trying to learn more about the concept.
JourneyLady Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 You almost never have control issues in a relationship without both parties taking part. Usually one partner is overtly controlling while the other is passive aggressive. I'll use my former marriage as an example... - I usually took charge of when to have people over - I decided on the decorating toward the most part - I asked him for specific things and got them about 2/3 of the time. - I got to be spoiled in quite a few ways, including (often) getting breakfast in bed. He took the passive role. - Never informing me of complete information on income and debts (so I never knew how high the charge cards had gotten.) - Picking up the mail and not letting me see it, until he'd done his perusing. - Taking the only car I knew how to drive into work with him, without asking me. (Ostensibly it was MY car from my mother and I am still driving it these days.) - Keeping his work friends separate by never bringing them home. - ignoring requests for things he did not want to purchase, rather than saying no. - Not ever giving me my own credit card or bank account. Control is based on fear. Fear that someone may leave you, fear of new places and/or awkward situations. Avoidance of discomfort. Fear of loss... The list goes on. I have depressive issues, so there was lots of fear on my part about exposing that to others. Thus the being in charge of who saw me and when. I wanted to overcome my fear of driving, but he may have been afraid of my being independent. Obviously I have had counseling for these issues and successfully dealt with them. Never the less, my last bf had control issues as well - right down to how I did the dishes! (Never mind that they were HIS dishes and he had been ignoring them...) Control works in all kinds of way and sometimes it can be very subtle. As for "gaslighting", it is a very subtle form of control designed to make you doubt yourself. Telling someone you are not angry when you are and they can feel it is a form of gaslighting. There was lots of that in my former marriage from ex-hubs.
FortunateSon Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) It's funny. While dating, my ex often complained that I tried to control her (actually, this was mostly in response to her actions, or lack there of). But in hind sight, she was in complete and utter control of the RS. She got everything she wanted / needed, and I got shyte. And, she made me believe I was in the wrong all the time... Damn she was a good manipulator. Real good. I didn't even know it... This is exactly the same with my relationship with my ex! She later admitted to having control issues and being a "control freak." My ex claimed I was controlling when I clearly was not, in reality it was just her projecting her issues onto me. Just another sign that it's good that it's over, EVERYTHING was about her. Edited January 6, 2014 by FortunateSon
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Is this gaslighting? This site is the first place I have heard the term and am trying to learn more about the concept. I believe gaslighting is more direct. My ex was very subtle about how she did it. May not have even known what she was doing. Gaslighting, again I believe, is more direct. She would tell me I was a 'control freak' and I believed her. Until now, when I see that what I did pailed in comparrison to how she controlled the RS. Very covert in her actions. Or I am just blind as a bat 1
Keenly Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I knew my ex was a control freak when I looked back and realized that she didn't have to play by the same rules that I did. In fact she was allowed to break most of them, and when I caught her cheating, I was told that I have jealousy issues. What? I caught you in the act...
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 people are really like this. Takes 2 to make it work. But yes i was in a situation like this with the dishes....That was scary. I am cleaning your kitchen as its filthy........Wait i like it like this...... You almost never have control issues in a relationship without both parties taking part. Usually one partner is overtly controlling while the other is passive aggressive. I'll use my former marriage as an example... - I usually took charge of when to have people over - I decided on the decorating toward the most part - I asked him for specific things and got them about 2/3 of the time. - I got to be spoiled in quite a few ways, including (often) getting breakfast in bed. He took the passive role. - Never informing me of complete information on income and debts (so I never knew how high the charge cards had gotten.) - Picking up the mail and not letting me see it, until he'd done his perusing. - Taking the only car I knew how to drive into work with him, without asking me. (Ostensibly it was MY car from my mother and I am still driving it these days.) - Keeping his work friends separate by never bringing them home. - ignoring requests for things he did not want to purchase, rather than saying no. - Not ever giving me my own credit card or bank account. Control is based on fear. Fear that someone may leave you, fear of new places and/or awkward situations. Avoidance of discomfort. Fear of loss... The list goes on. I have depressive issues, so there was lots of fear on my part about exposing that to others. Thus the being in charge of who saw me and when. I wanted to overcome my fear of driving, but he may have been afraid of my being independent. Obviously I have had counseling for these issues and successfully dealt with them. Never the less, my last bf had control issues as well - right down to how I did the dishes! (Never mind that they were HIS dishes and he had been ignoring them...) Control works in all kinds of way and sometimes it can be very subtle. As for "gaslighting", it is a very subtle form of control designed to make you doubt yourself. Telling someone you are not angry when you are and they can feel it is a form of gaslighting. There was lots of that in my former marriage from ex-hubs.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) LOL!!! Funny how dishes is a common theme. For me, I would 'control' her by requesting that she follow the design of the dishwaser for glasses, plates, etc. rather than literlally pile dishes in random order. Then when I go to grab a glass from the cupboard, it was filthy and needed to be washed again before use. Well, I guess I was controlling Edited January 6, 2014 by mtnbiker3000 1
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 No you just wanted to see if your beer was a superior european brew. LOL!!! Funny how dishes is a common theme. For me, I would 'control' her by requesting that she follow the design of the dishwaser for glasses, plates, etc. rather than literlally pile dishes in random order. Then when I go to grab a glass from the cupboard, it was filthy and needed to be washed again before use. Well, I guess I was controlling
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 No you just wanted to see if your beer was a superior european brew. Hey. I loves me some European beer. Too bad here in Cali and all across the states, it's now about this 'craft' beer BS. I'll take a room temp euro beer any day. One of my favs available here in the states is Old Speckled Hen. Yummm!! 1
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Hey good old brit beer that. try Spitfire if you can. Hey. I loves me some European beer. Too bad here in Cali and all across the states, it's now about this 'craft' beer BS. I'll take a room temp euro beer any day. One of my favs available here in the states is Old Speckled Hen. Yummm!!
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