Questions for women on point of view

[Trnamakesnse]

What are some negative meanings to putting a male friend into the "friendzone"? I mean I kept asking a girl what she meant because I just couldn't understand why I got "maybe" unless she didn't want to outright reject me and hurt me (which backfired stupendously when new bf showed up, hence my desire to deaden my feelings). She never made me stop liking her either for some reason and knew I liked her but wouldn't in my mind let me off the hook.

 

All my other female friends have made it very clear I was in the friendzone and I got over my feelings for them after a while if I had any which was only occasionally and we're still friends. So what are some negatives to the word friendzone in the context of close friends? Give me as many as you can think up please. It should be noted she considered us to be close friends and we spent a lot of time together doing things honestly female friends of mine have never done or discussed. Example talking on the phone while she falls asleep listening to me, later to be explained as "for the emotion" and later explained to me as a mistake when confronted with just what emotions a friend causes then. Might just be that she's that much different from them. And yes I'm blunt and honest it's something most people like about me but makes complicated situations difficult, especially since I take the literal meaning of what women tell me.

 

Separate question, what do you think of having a male friend like you when you just want to be friends?

Is this something that is acceptable and doable? I mean I've always cut off the women who aren't interested in me once I knew.

 

2.5 year friendship, mostly while she had her ex that she didn't bring up because she felt I didn't want to talk about him (usually female friends bring him up so I know I'm not in the picture whether I like it or not haha) then one month single and one month with a new guy who was also a friend and much older +7. Says that I'm close but doesn't seem to do anything to make it clear she isn't interested in ways I understand. I realize I've been friendzoned "hard" according to others I've asked. Is there no way out of such a position? I'm asking long term, because I expect to have her around for many more years if I can.

 

Another issue eating at me is she gave me crap for a long time about a year and half that I kept teasing her about our age difference, I'm +5 on her and she's 21. Thanked me when I finally said it wasn't an issue for me and I was just teasing her. Other guy may or may not have been friends during this time, was friends atleast 8 months ago that I can be sure of.

 

When I asked her why she didn't tell me she found a guy she thought she really liked she said she doesn't tell her friends things like that which is something I tell my female friends so they don't think I'm into them anymore if at all. Said we have mismatched communication methods. Which also kind of confused me.

 

Also several times our friendship really confused me we have so little in common and mostly just talk about nothing for hours a day. Daily contact for nearly three years is making it nearly impossible for me to stop emailing her. Not sure how to stop myself when the feelings get hot haven't succeeded yet............ I asked her why we're friends a few times trying to clear it up why she wants to be my friend. Never got an answer. I've probably screwed myself of ever having a chance with her even if this new guy doesn't work out. I really want to stop contacting her just so I can get over this but I'm finding it ridiculously difficult especially at night time. I've already broken a lot of my own rules on how to deal with the situation.

 

 

I realize she has no interest in me and never will. I just don't understand why she wouldn't let me off the hook when I clearly asked to be. And I'll admit nearly every relationship I've ever had confuses the heck out of me so I make it clear to women that I need them to be as literal and clear with me as possible to avoid situations, normally it doesn't come up because they've never sent so many confusing signals. I do like her a lot actually, didn't start out that way but after about 2 years I fell for her and tried to get her to cut me loose with an open friendzoning. Didn't work clearly. Any advice would be much appreciated, we had a big fight so we aren't talking much. Said she needed some time to get over what I said to her, I wasn't brutal but I wasn't nice about finding out the way I did. I think we approach relationships differently. Also what is the best way to approach this now? At this point I've been kind of harassing her, I backed off when I realized what I was doing but find it difficult not to ask "why?" a million times over.

Edited January 6, 2014 by Trnamakesnse

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard. Unrequited love sucks, but most of us get a big dose of it in our lifetimes.

 

A lot of women are perfectly comfortable with having men as strictly friends, but they become very uncomfortable if that changes and it's usually because for any number of reasons they aren't attracted to you in that way, whether because of looks or habits or social stature or money or ambition, any number of things. It's great to be friends with someone and it turns into romance, and I hear about that happening sometimes, but you know, I really can't think of a time it actually really happened that way in my circle of friends. I mean, my old friend's first husband, she always said he was "more of a friend," but they were having sex from the very first of their relationship. I think if you're going to come on to a woman, you should do it really within the first few dates. That doesn't mean necessarily sleep with them, but end the first real date with a goodnight kiss standing up at the curb (somewhere nonthreatening). If she doesn't seem to like that, it's probably not going anywhere romantically. It's just a way of being honest and stating your intentions.

 

If you really don't know if you're attracted romantically to her at all that soon, then I do wonder why you're going out on a date to begin with. I mean, if you're attracted enough to kiss, then you go on a few more dates before doing anything further and see if you're interested enough to go further. But don't let it slip into "just friends" if what you really want is romance.

 

Most women find it very hard to be straighforward and blunt with men because they don't want to hurt their feelings. So really, even if she says "it's not a good time" or "just friends," that's a no. If you were really interested in someone, you wouldn't brush them off with an embarassed "it's not a good time, maybe later" but would provide way more detail. And you wouldn't say "just friends."

 

I think sometimes the media is misleading to young men because of their use of terms like "friends with benefits," making it sound like that's what being friends is. Really, friendzone means no sex.

 

Everyone is different. There are women who will do a clean break and those who like any attention better than no attention. I'd say this woman is the latter. Having someone indulge her every day is fun for her, but if she's really not interested, then what you have is two people in love with the same person....

[Trnamakesnse]

That's part of the problem. She brought sex into it more than a few times. Months ago she would always talk about how she goes to bed naked and how she grooms herself. Being way more flirty and attentive to me than she has been in months. Lots of innuendo and such. I just wasn't interested in jacking up the friendship after I ruined my last good female/male friendship. So I let her play her game assuming she'd get the idea.

 

She did this for months on end it felt like forever. She even tried to initiate phone sex with me in very blatant fashion. I don't fool with women even on that level if they are in a relationship I feel it's unfaithful. Says she was drunk on the phone, probably was but we've been drunk together lots of times and she never did anything more than tease me and show some skin. I've been drunk with other women and they never did this, hell I've had women start texting me after being slipped acid and they just talked about rats in the closet. I'VE never done this when drunk if anything I'm more polite and talk too much.

 

And we both agreed our friendship was important. Maybe I just screwed myself over on this one.

 

This is why I'm so confused that she says she never liked me. There was sex without intercourse, I wouldn't allow that until she was single. She's only had three guys and honestly I've only really had one woman. I can be a perv with my lady friends but they've never played along with it or initiated anything. I just joke and make fun with women it's fun to do even if they just laugh it off and say "no". They never get angry and I've been friends with several of these women for years longer than this one.

Edited January 6, 2014 by Trnamakesnse

[preraph]

So she used to kind of playfully come on to you, but you rejected that at the time. So did she stop doing it entirely now or is she still pulling your strings every now and then? I think it's weird you asked you why you're friends, opening the subject, and she just didn't respond. I think you need to face to face tell her maybe that sometimes having so much contact with her is maybe keeping you from pursuing other women. If you think you want a romantic relationship with her -- and you sound more like you don't but that once in a while you do -- then you should just ask her out on a real date. Say, Do you want to go on a real date? And see what she says. If she says yes, be sure and give her a goodnight kiss. Then follow up and see how she's feeling about it the next day. If she laughs it off, be sure she knows you're serious (say "I'm serious!) and if she blows you off, tell her while you enjoy her friendship, you think it's holding you back from getting a real life. I notice having you isn't stopping her from dating, so I hope it's not stopping you, but it would certainly give a new woman pause knowing how close you are to this one. So you probably do need to get some distance.

[Trnamakesnse]

I agree. It did stop me from looking for quite a while. I keep getting the feeling and the feedback from friends and family that she used me to fill the blank spaces her boyfriend was leaving until she found a new man. It's exactly what her mother did to her father and a male friend. I find that people don't fall that far from a tree. She may be a nice person but now I'm considering the friendship. I can't shake the feeling I got used again, other stuff comes and goes but the feeling she used me to fill her empty spaces after learning that's what I can do for women makes her a pretty awful friend. Good person or not.

[preraph]

You know, we all tend to assume that others think more like us than they do and do things for the same reasons we do, but there's literally all kinds doing things for all different reasons. Sometimes you just have to stand back and look at it with clear eyes and say, "It is what it is" and then move on.

[Trnamakesnse]

Oh right, yeah she still pulls my strings I forgot that. She says she's a tease which I don't really get. I'm not really cool with women teasing me sexually it puts me off.