Guest Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 I've been reading this board and have found it interesting and helpful. So now I'm going to look for some advice of my own..... My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. For the most part our relationship is great and pretty solid, minus occasional bumps, which is normal. The issue is that I have a problem with one of his female friends. I'm not totally sure why either... I don't think that they're messing around with each other, and I know that he's not into her like that. I think that it's b/c I feel like she's to familiar with him, like touching his shoulder or standing to close when they're together, bringing him baked treats to work, or asking to personal of favors (i.e. getting picked up from work, school, him fixing problems in her apartment), and one of his co-workers once suggested that he thought that this girl would be open to a relationship. etc etc etc. He gets annoyed with me when I get bristly when she calls or he talks about her, and if I try to talk about why she bothers me exactly his attitude is "whatever". I trust him, that's not the issue. The issue is that I feel like I spend to much time thinking about the whole situation or getting angry about it, and I think it's bad for the relationship. I don't like feeling this way, but something about the set up doesn't sit well with me. I need to chill, no doubt. But am I justified in being uncomfortable with her lack of boundaries, or am I being unreasonable? I just need some feedback.
uriel Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 This girl's behavior IS too familiar. Although nothing might be going on because your bf isn't open to it, it sounds like the girl would like there to be. He should take your feelings to heart, if he respects you, and give you less reason for jealousy. That would mean getting this girl to back off some. He shouldn't simply be shutting your concerns down. Neither person in a committed relationship should be giving the other person grounds for jealousy. And both should be helping the other person to feel better. I think what's making you so angry isn't her -- it's him. He's so receptive to her, even though she's crossing the line. That keeps triggering your alert system. So don't make this about her. Make it about him -- and how he's honoring or dishonoring your commitment through his actions. -- uriel
SilentPrayer Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Hi, I am in the exact same boat as you are rite now. I am in the SAME probleme. This is what I have to say. I myself am not through it yet. Its still a probleme but I figure this: This man is someone you love and hold dear and would fight for if it came to that. I too would. This man is someone whome you want to love and honour alll to yourself. I too would. This man IS with YOU~not her. He met you fell inlove with you and is still with YOU. This person, you have no idea could be someone that you could be great friends with. I suggest that you give it a try and at least talk to her. I am sure SHE is the person that helps HIM out when he needs advice about you. I recently found out thats why my BF chick friend helped him with all the time. His problems with me he couldnt understand. He could be just FRIENDS with her. Think of a man that your close friends with and sometimes flirt with....." he could be jelious of him". I know its hard not to trip out when it involves someone that you love and sleep with (most likely without protection). Think of yourself in all positions...HIS side...HER side..and most of all...think of the inner girl...that was YOU..before you met him....think of HER side...I think your going to be ok. I believe in you..PS: COMMUNICATION is KEY~ thanks or your welcome... COn~
Guest Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Thanks for all the feedback, it's appreciated. I agree with Silentprayer in some ways, but the truth is I don't want to be friends with this girl. She's ok, and we've hung out a few times, but she's far to judegemental and shallow for me to have a close relationship with. And I have a real problem with how she conducts her personal space with my boyfriend, and the overly familiar way she talks to me about our (the boy and I) relationship on the rare occasions when we do hang out. A whole other aspect of the situation is that everytime he hangs out with her he comes home feeling bad about himself, and depresses and insecure. I think that it's in response to her mannerisms, which is very elitist and somewhat stuck up. She's beratted him before about his job and the direction he's taking his life in, b/c she seems to think that he should be following some other path that she's deemed appropriate for him. He's a smart boy and a hard worker, not a deadbeat or anything. I don't think she has anything to make him feel worthless about. I think this bothers me that he cares so much about her opinion of him, and that when he does talk to her, I'm stuck cleaning up the depressed mess she's left. It's a stupid situation and I'm tired of it. I think that SilentPrayer is right, communication is key. But at the same time, I agree with the poster before that who noted that he's being disrespectful in not telling her to step off after I"ve mentioned it makes me uncomfortable. I'm not asking him to not be friends with her, but to just respect some boundaries. Thanks for the feed back, it's much appreciated.
SilentPrayer Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Hey there Guest, Thanks for replying. I admire that you took some of my advice, I like that allot. I may not have all the best answers and now that I read what I wrote back there. Im thinking, heck I must have been in a good mood that day cause most of it was possitive which honestly' I wouldnt really have done. You got a good head on your shoulders and I dont really think that you need advice. I think you just need to be reassured of your owne decisions. So far of what Ive read I think and believe that Im right when I say that your boyfriend is sooooo LUCKY that hes got such an understanding women as you. I think you should tell him about this collum. My very owne X BF..whome I think is still great friends with me. Has checked this out and browsed around and sighned in as a guest as well. He found it to be usefull. Its just a thought, I think it would help. It might make you a bit concsience about what you write but its hard to tell whome is whome on here there is so many. I hope we talk again soon. You seem like somebody I would like to talk to about many things. Best of Luck with your issue. Remain calm like you always seem to do, and believe in yourself cause I think thats what you need. I believe in you and hope you see this little ruff spot through. Thanks again for replying, COn~
Guest Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Thanks again for all the feedback and kind words. It helped a lot, and I think Silentprayer is right, I needed reassurance. Most of the time I feel ok with the situation, it's liveable and I can work with it. Earlier this week the two of them went and had lunch together (w/o my knowledge) and it made that irrational part ofme feel all weird (and midly pissed) again. Sigh....I guess something don't change. Thanks ya'll, and best of luck to everyone.
Recommended Posts