mortensorchid Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 So I decided to do the Internet dating thing again, and I made a connection with someone on one. He and I talked on the phone yesterday, just about stuff as I knew nothing about him save for his first name. He's an ok guy, I don't know enough about him to say or think otherwise about him. He ended it by saying that he just signed up on the website because he was looking for something to do. Timewaster. I will not contact him again. Fair enough for his motivation, I am sure he is not the only one, but his first mistake is saying that to begin with.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 If you hold out for the guy who won't do or say anything wrong, you're destined for a very lonely life. Also, he could have simply said that to appear casual / aloof which generally women find more positive than a guy who looks clingy or "in need" of a relationship. 6
winny Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Many guys have asked me n I have also asked them in return as one of the first questions - what are you looking for on this site? You can ask this to be sure before talking on phone.
Iguanna Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 If you hold out for the guy who won't do or say anything wrong, you're destined for a very lonely life. NO. This is very wrong. This is the beginning of catastrophe. You should start by looking for a flawless person. Everyone at the start show their best selves and hide their negatives. If you start looking for someone with flaws, these flaws will become double during the relationship. In my opinion at the start you shouldn't compromise for less than perfect (and I mean of course regarding the personality of someone, not the looks). After you've met someone and have a good relationship going and you see they are worth some compromises, then go for it. I've always been comfortable with loneliness, it doesn't scare me. What scared me was being desperate to find a man just to say I'm not single. I was old enough to realize that but when I did fate brought in my way the best man of the world. If I had wasted my time on more losers, I'd not be free for this man. So stop wasting time on losers just not to be alone. During you spend your time trying to change this loser, the man of your dreams may pass by and you won't notice him. 1
Keenly Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 NO. This is very wrong. This is the beginning of catastrophe. You should start by looking for a flawless person. Everyone at the start show their best selves and hide their negatives. If you start looking for someone with flaws, these flaws will become double during the relationship. In my opinion at the start you shouldn't compromise for less than perfect (and I mean of course regarding the personality of someone, not the looks). After you've met someone and have a good relationship going and you see they are worth some compromises, then go for it. I've always been comfortable with loneliness, it doesn't scare me. What scared me was being desperate to find a man just to say I'm not single. I was old enough to realize that but when I did fate brought in my way the best man of the world. If I had wasted my time on more losers, I'd not be free for this man. So stop wasting time on losers just not to be alone. During you spend your time trying to change this loser, the man of your dreams may pass by and you won't notice him. So you are basically saying to any woman run any time any man ever exposes any flaws ever? That women should expect nothing less than perfect? These women will.be alone their whole lives. There is no such thing as a perfect person. 2
Iguanna Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 So you are basically saying to any woman run any time any man ever exposes any flaws ever? That women should expect nothing less than perfect? These women will.be alone their whole lives. There is no such thing as a perfect person. I was talking specifically about the beginning of a possible relationship, not forever... On the first, second, third dates. Men show their best selves then. If they show some flaw a woman can't take (for example, if he says on the first date that he drinks once a month more than he should, this means that on the 10th date he'll reveal that what he meant was once a week). This is what I mean. On the other side, if you ask women who have had bad boyfriends and even have been abused, I'm sure they'd have preferred to have stayed alone than to be with that loser - abuser etc.
Keenly Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I was talking specifically about the beginning of a possible relationship, not forever... On the first, second, third dates. Men show their best selves then. If they show some flaw a woman can't take (for example, if he says on the first date that he drinks once a month more than he should, this means that on the 10th date he'll reveal that what he meant was once a week). This is what I mean. On the other side, if you ask women who have had bad boyfriends and even have been abused, I'm sure they'd have preferred to have stayed alone than to be with that loser - abuser etc. Maybe its just me, but you are not making any sense here at all. In fact, of you were to ask my opinion, women in abusive relationships would say that they're abused was perfect in the beginning. Just because a man " puts his best foot forward " doesn't mean he isn't going to be honest and show who he REALLY is. I mean... if the guy is looking for a legitimate relationship, he wants you to like HIM, flaws and all, and not the veil of the first few dates best behavior him. 3
winny Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Maybe its just me, but you are not making any sense here at all. In fact, of you were to ask my opinion, women in abusive relationships would say that they're abused was perfect in the beginning. Just because a man " puts his best foot forward " doesn't mean he isn't going to be honest and show who he REALLY is. I mean... if the guy is looking for a legitimate relationship, he wants you to like HIM, flaws and all, and not the veil of the first few dates best behavior him. I think what she means is... While everyone is imperfect ... A gal shouldn't get involved with a guy if he displays any negative qualities which really cannot be ignored or if ignored can become big issues later on n can ruin a relationship. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I think what she means is... While everyone is imperfect ... A gal shouldn't get involved with a guy if he displays any negative qualities which really cannot be ignored or if ignored can become big issues later on n can ruin a relationship. I hope that's what Iguanna was saying, because Iguanna's posts were giving me cancer. 1
ShyGuy5 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 This is exactly why I don't want to sign up for online dating. There is so much information out there that you are bound to fail in some way.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 This is exactly why I don't want to sign up for online dating. There is so much information out there that you are bound to fail in some way. That's the spirit, stay positive! Your failure is only your responsibility. Statements like your's only reinforce the obstacles that you place in front of you grasshopper.
Iguanna Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I hope that's what Iguanna was saying, because Iguanna's posts were giving me cancer. That's what I was saying. But why do you feel like this about my posts?
umbongo Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 One thing to remember is a online dating still has a taboo affect. Although A LOT of people do it and it is very normal these days plenty people are still uncomfortable with it. The guy may have said it simply to be 'manly' (as daft as that could be but it happens). If you got on well in the conversation you could test the water a little further before stamping time waster over his name. Don't get me wrong he could turn out to be a total fool of a time waster but you never know. Maybe try and speak one more time to see if there is any interest. Of course it is now tarnished; the guy turned a positive conversation into a negative feeling for you - technically that can be a write off regardless of actual intent (it seems to be from your message) Just be sure to review your stance - have a go or write him off. It would be strange for someone to spend time chatting on a dating site to kill time but not impossible. It's a shame when this sort of thing happens. I always expect a mutual deal in that sort of situation; not someone being a fool. Search a little more as there are others more deserving of your time
Badsingularity Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 If you start looking for someone with flaws, these flaws will become double during the relationship. Not every man feels the need to put up the fake front. He is just himself from the very start. He is not going to get any worse because he is showing you who he realy is from the beginning. 4
FitChick Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 January is when most people sign up on dating websites (and most people sign up for gym memberships!) so you get a lot of newbies. They get disillusioned rather quickly when they realize it's not like shopping on amazon.com and quickly bail. The more serious folks stick around. 1
FitChick Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 He ended it by saying that he just signed up on the website because he was looking for something to do. I am sure he is not the only one, but his first mistake is saying that to begin with. I think he may have been embarrassed to admit he was "reduced" to looking for women online. If he merely was bored, I can guarantee you weren't on a paid site. One reason I avoid the free sites.
Author mortensorchid Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I said he was/is a timewaster because he started off by telling me directly that he was only doing this because he was bored and was looking for something to do. Hopefully he does not do this with others that he is also in contact with, but I would think he was/is smarter than this if he is looking for something other than someone to talk to online or to meet once for a coffee/dinner date.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 That's what I was saying. But why do you feel like this about my posts? Your posts were very aggressive and overwhelming to me. I think you are sending the wrong message by stating "You should start by looking for a flawless person". There is no such thing as a flawless person. Although if you were to find someone that seems perfect to you, this is subjective, and no way establishes the person as flawless.
StanMusial Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 So I decided to do the Internet dating thing again, and I made a connection with someone on one. He and I talked on the phone yesterday, just about stuff as I knew nothing about him save for his first name. He's an ok guy, I don't know enough about him to say or think otherwise about him. He ended it by saying that he just signed up on the website because he was looking for something to do. Timewaster. I will not contact him again. Fair enough for his motivation, I am sure he is not the only one, but his first mistake is saying that to begin with. Where was the "connection"? Feel like I'm missing something here.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I said he was/is a timewaster because he started off by telling me directly that he was only doing this because he was bored and was looking for something to do. Hopefully he does not do this with others that he is also in contact with, but I would think he was/is smarter than this if he is looking for something other than someone to talk to online or to meet once for a coffee/dinner date. Maybe he was displaying disinterest as many AskMen articles suggest, but to the extreme, and he probably thought you would swoon at the slightest attention he may muster for you (as AskMen articles seem to suggest). Or maybe he is just not good with talking to the ladies. Regardless, his boredom was something comical to me, and I would only consider it just that, and then move on. 2
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Seems so silly to eliminate the man based on that answer. I for one appreciate honesty and genuine answers. What would have been a better answer? "I decided to settle down and find the love of my life"? This would have probably pushed me away. In my first exchange with my guy I asked how his experience with OLD dating had been so far and if he'd met any nice people. His answer was, "I haven't met anyone yet. I'm nervous and don't know what I'm doing. There was no technology involved when I was dating." He was genuine, honest and real and I was sold after that answer. Best choice I ever made. He turned out to be absolutely golden.
D-Lish Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I always get thrown off when asked what I'm looking for, or why I am searching for a partner online. It's a tough question to answer honestly right off the bat. If he volunteered the information that he's bored, that could be attributed to nervousness. That first conversation on the phone isn't easy for a lot of people. What was the rest of the conversation like?
Frank2thepoint Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 His answer was, "I haven't met anyone yet. I'm nervous and don't know what I'm doing. There was no technology involved when I was dating." But that answer/line is way better than "I'm bored, so I'm looking for something to do."
Mrlonelyone Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) Mortensorchid, I think this man was just trying to be a "challenge" or play hard to get. It is one of the axioms of what men are told about online and other dating that: Women want most what/who they cannot have. By this it is meant, as soon as a woman is comfortable and sure she has a given man she will loose interest. Their is no "challenge" there is no "game" to play their is no "drama" to it. All things women say they don't want yet again and again they are observed to go for men who are challenging, play games, and who produce drama for them. It is the reason soap opera's are popular mainly among women. It works even into marriage. The man has to remain a challenge of sorts even while being married to the woman. He was just thinking that he's playing it cool. In a way he is right. He got you worked up enough to start a thread about him. For many other women they would see his being a "time waster" as a challenge and want to demonstrate that they can catch him. Maybe he was displaying disinterest as many AskMen articles suggest, but to the extreme, and he probably thought you would swoon at the slightest attention he may muster for you (as AskMen articles seem to suggest). Or maybe he is just not good with talking to the ladies. Regardless, his boredom was something comical to me, and I would only consider it just that, and then move on. This... I hope that's what Iguanna was saying, because Iguanna's posts were giving me cancer. This made me LOL for reals... cancer lol. That's what I was saying. But why do you feel like this about my posts? You seemed to be saying one thing then it's opposite at the same time. I get what you are trying to say though. If a woman (or man) sees a deal breaker they should walk away sooner rather than latter. Fine. The thing is this doesn't seem like a reasonable deal breaker. It's the OP's life she can walk away for whatever reason. Most men over a certain age have ben 100% into a woman early on and been hurt, left for a man who barely pays them attention. Then made to hear the woman complain and drama drama drama over what a dbag, idiot, ahole their new beau was last nite before they had rough sex that she's sore from. Rightly or wrongly many men conclude don't be so available leads to sex, being to available leads to hand lotion. It's sad, but that is the world we live in. Edited January 7, 2014 by Mrlonelyone edited to remove white space.
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 But that answer/line is way better than "I'm bored, so I'm looking for something to do." My point was that he was being honest and straight forward instead of blowing smoke up her arse, which so many men feel inclined to do. Then to give that much weight to such a comment as a dismissal to blow someone off you had a "connection" with? There are so many more credible things to judge someone's character on. I signed up for online dating cause I was bored and tired of sitting at home alone. I'm still a catch.
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