Upsetnlonely Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 He was my first boyfriend...or rather my only boyfriend ...way back in 2004. We were about to get married when things fell apart and we moved away from each other. He married someone else, and I also married someone else. We didn't contact each other until July 2013. During this time, I was with my husband in a rather smooth but very formal relationship. I had a son in 2012. Then, my boyfriend from 2004 emailed me ...just out of blue. We met, and he told me how loveless his life was. I was also not doing too great so we got together and started meeting. He proposed to me...to get married to him...and I got serious. Our relationship was very physical ...because I was eager to keep things simple, I told my husband everything...and after a lot of arguments, and hurtful discussions he moved away. But to my shock and surprise ...he said he does not want to leave his wife ...and would want to be with me just like that. It broke me...mentally...emotionally...! So I stopped all communication with him and deleted all my emails...there were so many of them...but I am still hurt and sad. I want to kill him. I am leaving this country in another few weeks and want to post all his cards (paper greetings with his handwriting) to his wife before leaving, I really hate him ...! And I hate myself for believing him...what should I do? Please help.
Author Upsetnlonely Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 It really upsets me sometimes coz I feel he was just having fun...and now when his wife is back...he has discarded me like an unwanted part of his life. It breaks me down. I cry very night n I curse him. But I wish his life becomes hell...coz his words of love, of commitment, of having a future with me hurts me. It's been a month and I am still not at peace. I don't know what to do. And my little baby ...it's so bad of me to be in this state. My baby is just 18 months old and I am all screwed up.
stillafool Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Are you and your baby alone or did you go back to your husband?
stillafool Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 When he told you he was in a loveless marriage was he saying that his wife doesn't show him love or neither of them were in love? MM lie all he time about their wives. If they told you they were in love with their wife but were having problems, would you still sleep with him? More than likely NO you wouldn't and that's why they lie. If you didn't love your husband enough to not divorce him when this guy came back you have done the right thing by not being with him now. You will eventually get over this guy and will meet another nice man. You have to try to forgive him because as long as you are bitter the less likely you are to heal and move on. 4
Author Upsetnlonely Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 My marriage wasn't working n we were a kind of distant. That was the reason I met him at the first place. Yes, our divorce wasn't finalised ...but for that also I started the process... Coz he sounded so sure about leaving his wife. But he changed over night. I am still shocked. I am alone with my baby... Was alone even when he met me ... I have lost trust on men...I hate every guy I see. It has impacted my job n my finances. I used to spend a lot on him... But I actually loved him. So many nights I just can't sleep n stop thinking what went wrong... Coz he gave me no reason...he just stopped replying to my emails or taking my calls. How can someone be so ruthless.
pickflicker Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 My marriage wasn't working n we were a kind of distant. That was the reason I met him at the first place. Yes, our divorce wasn't finalised ...but for that also I started the process... Coz he sounded so sure about leaving his wife. But he changed over night. I am still shocked. I am alone with my baby... Was alone even when he met me ... I have lost trust on men...I hate every guy I see. It has impacted my job n my finances. I used to spend a lot on him... But I actually loved him. So many nights I just can't sleep n stop thinking what went wrong... Coz he gave me no reason...he just stopped replying to my emails or taking my calls. How can someone be so ruthless. He was married. He IS married. You can't be surprised by his reaction, surely. Men rarely leave their wives. You should have known what you were getting into before you jumped. 5
drifter777 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 My marriage wasn't working n we were a kind of distant. That was the reason I met him at the first place. Yes, our divorce wasn't finalised ...but for that also I started the process... Coz he sounded so sure about leaving his wife. But he changed over night. I am still shocked. I am alone with my baby... Was alone even when he met me ... I have lost trust on men...I hate every guy I see. It has impacted my job n my finances. I used to spend a lot on him... But I actually loved him. So many nights I just can't sleep n stop thinking what went wrong... Coz he gave me no reason...he just stopped replying to my emails or taking my calls. How can someone be so ruthless. Such a sad, sad story. Please find a way to get into counseling ASAP. What others are saying on here - that he just used you for sex - is true but you allowed it to happen so you need to take responsibility for your share of this mistake. But its sad nonetheless. You were not happy in your marriage so you got what you wanted with the divorce. I guess you will never know whether marriage counseling and honest communication could have saved your marriage. Next time maybe look before you leap in bed with a guy just because he tells you his wife doesn't understand him and how pretty you are. 6
what_a_blonde Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Sorry you had to find out about men like this the very hard way. People really are ruthless, and some don't think about others. They only think about the now and their feelings, and will say anything to get you into bed with them. I can't believe he went ever the top to even propose to you. That's crappy. HOWEVER he was married. So you should have kept that in the back of your mind. How can this man ever be honest with YOU if he's not even being honest with his own wife? Accept and do your best to learn and move on from this. As someone else mentioned, I would HIGHLY recommend looking into counseling. Dealing with these emotions by yourself is probably not easy, and you're going to need someone who can help you patch up the wounds and also find out what could possibly have been the deeper issue to where you even allowed yourself to get into this position. Best wishes. 2
Author Upsetnlonely Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 HOWEVER he was married. So you should have kept that in the back of your mind. How can this man ever be honest with YOU if he's not even being honest with his own wife? Accept and do your best to learn and move on from this. Best wishes. Thanks dear. It helps to read supportive comments. I know I shouldn't have trusted him. I have never trusted guys, I mind my own business always, but I guess I made this mistake because he was also my ex boyfriend. Sad...I have lost all love and respect for him now. In fact, I curse him every day. Guess, I should move on. My ex-husband (with whom the divorce settlement is still in process) has also started creating legal issues for the custody of my son. He thinks I am trying to take his baby away by getting into a new relationship ...does not know that I have just been dumped already. Sometimes I want to cry out aloud...don't know where to do it, or with whom. 2013 was a real bad year.
freetolove Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 you should make it known to his wife. this guy is a jerk. please learn from you mistakes. 6
Author Upsetnlonely Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) you should make it known to his wife. this guy is a jerk. please learn from you mistakes. I plan to mail her (his wife) all the greetings n his hand written notes, and some bills of hotels, along with the dried roses that he had given me. I know her office address and I can send it all there. I am leaving this country forever (just because of all this mess, and the fact that I am emotionally very broken) in February ...I will send this in mail just before I leave. I curse him every night...I wonder if curses ever work...! He had told my friend that he just wanted to have an affair, and never made any commitments, but God knows he's lying. He even talked about having babies with me...that's does not happen on affairs...that's when someone is serious...then was he just lying to me...making me believe that he is seriously into me. This experience has shattered me. Yeah, I'll send her this stuff, as I don't wan to meet her personally. Besides, what if she was also fine with his messing around with other vulnerable women like me...may be they both are bad people...may be they both are sitting and laughing at me today. As far as I know, she too had a string of affairs...and as per her husband, my ex boyfriend, he was seeking true love and he had found it in me. ...well...I don't know what's true n what's fake today...everything seems phoney...everything seems fake. I am so lost today, that nothing makes sense. Edited January 8, 2014 by Upsetnlonely
Keke1 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 You both cheated. Neither of you were divorced. Now you want to be vindictive. Just leave you won't feel any satisfaction from what you are planning. This thing blew up in your face badly 2
Confuddled1983 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 How long were you with him the first time (in 2004) and why did you split up then? Just curious. I'm assuming long term if you were due to be married but the fact he proposed so soon whilst you were both married indicates perhaps this wasn't the case? When things have been going badly in my relationships I have occasionally thought about ex partners and if one of them contacted me at a point where the relationship was at a low I suppose I'd be flattered and instantly recall all the good times together - only THEN I would recall that he is an EX and he is an EX for probably a damn good reason. I do feel sorry for you but I feel more sorry for his wife and your husband. Do you seriously want to destroy HER marriage, her hopes and dreams just to spite him? What did she ever do wrong to you? I'm not saying that it's right for her to be living a lie like that and she does deserve the truth but not like that. Personally I would contact him and state very clearly he has one week to tell her the truth or that you will. Let it come from him. To even consider sending all that stuff to her workplace of all places .... well, I'm sorry but that is just nasty. Why humiliate the poor woman? I just don't get it. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 He was my first boyfriend...or rather my only boyfriend ...way back in 2004. We were about to get married when things fell apart and we moved away from each other. He married someone else, and I also married someone else. We didn't contact each other until July 2013. During this time, I was with my husband in a rather smooth but very formal relationship. I had a son in 2012. Then, my boyfriend from 2004 emailed me ...just out of blue. We met, and he told me how loveless his life was. I was also not doing too great so we got together and started meeting. He proposed to me...to get married to him...and I got serious. Our relationship was very physical ...because I was eager to keep things simple, I told my husband everything...and after a lot of arguments, and hurtful discussions he moved away. But to my shock and surprise ...he said he does not want to leave his wife ...and would want to be with me just like that. It broke me...mentally...emotionally...! So I stopped all communication with him and deleted all my emails...there were so many of them...but I am still hurt and sad. I want to kill him. I am leaving this country in another few weeks and want to post all his cards (paper greetings with his handwriting) to his wife before leaving, I really hate him ...! And I hate myself for believing him...what should I do? Please help. Remember, you are married too so if you think you can expose him to his wife and hope your husband doesn't find out, you're fooling yourself. if his wife knows the truth about the affair, soon so will your spouse - Keep that in mind. Or are you thinking of confessing to your H? I say go on with your life and forget this MM, he is not a friend, he's an ex from the past anyway. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I plan to mail her (his wife) all the greetings n his hand written notes, and some bills of hotels, along with the dried roses that he had given me. I know her office address and I can send it all there. I am leaving this country forever (just because of all this mess, and the fact that I am emotionally very broken) in February ...I will send this in mail just before I leave. I curse him every night...I wonder if curses ever work...! He had told my friend that he just wanted to have an affair, and never made any commitments, but God knows he's lying. He even talked about having babies with me...that's does not happen on affairs...that's when someone is serious...then was he just lying to me...making me believe that he is seriously into me. This experience has shattered me. Yeah, I'll send her this stuff, as I don't wan to meet her personally. Besides, what if she was also fine with his messing around with other vulnerable women like me...may be they both are bad people...may be they both are sitting and laughing at me today. As far as I know, she too had a string of affairs...and as per her husband, my ex boyfriend, he was seeking true love and he had found it in me. ...well...I don't know what's true n what's fake today...everything seems phoney...everything seems fake. I am so lost today, that nothing makes sense. STOP putting all this on him, you helped create this mess, so you're no victim here. The victims are your husband and his wife. I hope soon your fog disappears and you'll see how messed up your thinking is. You're assuming a lot and when really, you know nothing about his wife or their marriage. Please consider counseling to help you rid of the anger and also think about coming clean to your husband. 6
Fluttershy Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I you decide to tell the wife don't give him a heads up. That eill just give him time to create an elaborate lie and paint you as crazy. If you decide to tell her don't listen to the people who say you would be destroying her life... You already had a hand in that and he is the one destroying her. As a woman who cheated I would have wanted a hundred times over for the other woman to hae confessed it to me. I would not habe cared her motives as long as I got to know the truth about my husband. The best thing to do in most situations is contact the betrayed spouse and tell them of the affair and then tell them you have proof i they want it need it. That puts te ball in their court and it gives them a Chance to find out more or ignore it... But it is their choice For your own feelings realize telling her should be about givin her a chance to know what happened. Revenge or to get er to dump him will not give you the results you wanted. A lot of marriages reconcile after divorce. That is none of your business. So go into it expecting nothing. I am sorry you fell for him and our hurting. But for your baby get yorself off the floor. And then in time do it for yourself too. And be glad he ended it because he doean't sound like much of a catch! One question, how can you leave the country with your husband's daughter? 4
soccerrprp Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Tragic. Two observations: 1. Everything he has said to you is likely untrue. You think that his wife may have had affairs based on what he said to you, but you have no reason to accept that as being true, do you? He lied a lot to get you where he wanted you and then when he was finished, he revealed his true nature and left... 2. As per your legal issues with your husband, I don't blame him for trying to make it difficult for you. YOU had an affair and broke-up the family and I am still not at all certain if there was any "real" conflict or dissatisfaction with the marriage. Was there? Really? Or did your ex, convince you that he was so much of a better option? 3. Can you leave the country? What about custody? 3
almond Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 also think about coming clean to your husband. OP stated in her first post that she had admitted everything to her husband.. Our relationship was very physical ...because I was eager to keep things simple, I told my husband everything...and after a lot of arguments, and hurtful discussions he moved away. 1
veryhappy Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Some men use a third party to jump start their M. They do it unconsciously. They get involved, the wife feels on some level and it ends up with her upping her game. Most times it's not enough sex and ego stroking. Men are also creatures of comfort and when that happens, what they said to the OW flies out the window. What, you didn't know he was a committed h and father? It made me feel nauseated. Mail that stuff, leave the country, heal. It's hard, but life goes on one way or the other. 2
emotionlessbutalive Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 He screwed your life and pretend nothing happened. He deserves a lession. If he is successful he will repeat it with someone else and wife would never know. U will gwt a peace of mind and closure too. I hate men who play with emotions to get sex. 2
Coward Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I wish you would rethink telling his wife everything. Regardless of what he told you, deep down you knew the stakes. You have nothing to gain by telling her and why should she get all that pain on her because things didn't work out as you hoped? If he chooses to tell her, he will in his own time but that's his own business.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 OP stated in her first post that she had admitted everything to her husband.. Oops, I missed that part. If you do tell his wife, apologize to her for your part in the affair. You knew he was married going into this..Yes he lied and cheated on her, but you were willing to help him betray her. Owning your part in this will give you some closure too. 5
krazikat Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 He came to you and gave you hopes. His wife deserves to know the truth rather than living a false life. And he would continue doing that if let go like this. Don't listen to BS on this forum who always blame OW no matter what and ignore what men do. He lied he needs to pay and you will feel much better. What is funny is that most preachers will jump in A if they get a chance. They are just bitter for all OW and have no control on their cheating spouses. Just ignore them. You clearly sound like a naive victim Oh puuullleaze!!!! Everyone has to take responsibility and own their own actions! Period! You seem to like pointing fingers at "bitter bs" but the bs has nothing to do with op, or your own, poor decision to pursue a relationship with a married person. When you CHOOSE to mess with a married person, you get to enjoy all that comes along with that CHOICE you dont get a free pass because, gasp, lying cheating mp lied to you! Yes, it sucks...but own your **** and stop making excuses for your own choices! You are the one that ends up sounding bitter! OP, I think your plan for disclosing to the bs is a good one. She does need to know, so that she is able to make choices to protect her own physical and emotional well-being. Do not warn him in advance because that will give his lying ass time to develop a cover... Learn from this experience, girl. A mm who is seeking sex outside the marriage is not the kind of man you want or need, no matter how nice or sexy he is. You deserve a man who is all in, and I wish you much love and happiness and authenticity in your futire. 5
bentleychic Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I am sorry for your pain. Please don't take your baby and move to another country because of this guy. IMO, that's not fair to your baby or your ex husband. I don't know where you live now, but I know in the u.s and most states here, the mother would not be looked favorably on if she did this. I understand why your ex may try to sue for custody since you are planning that. 2
Berkley Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 (edited) To the OP....do NOT send his wife anything...it is not your place, nor your right, to intentionally hurt someone else out of spite. She did nothing to you, she doesn't deserve your anger or your vengeance. As for leaving the country with your baby - again, not your right. That child has a father and he has just as much right to be in her life as you do. Just what you need right now is a kidnapping charge ! Edited January 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
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