Just_AGuy Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Yet it feels empty and pointless. I never wanted to leave my husband. I love You say you don't want to leave your husband. But please understand once he learns and he will - that is for sure, it will not matter what you want anymore. Decision will be his. And men rarely forgive women infidelity. Even nicest ones. I am one of the nicest guys. And I left my wife for very same reason. Even though all who knew us told me afterwards they did not think I would. But I did. Statistically men rarely forgive this. Even now you already have half-destroyed you family (not sure if you can fix it), but if you continue you will destroy it for sure. There a good book about women infidelity. U can get it from Women's Infidelity . I've read it of course. It's good for men and women. There are a lot of answers to ur questions and even things you do not understand yet.
Quiet Storm Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I don't understand the statement about A love being purely chemicals due to the nature of A. I believe when people fall in love, no matter the circumstance, there are feel-good chemicals. Just as people say the "affair fog" will lift when the A ends. Feelings fade for those whose marriages end as well. Love isn't about unicorns. Love is about work and commitment. Yes, I said it. Commitment. I know many will skoff at the idea that two AP can fathom the idea of commitment when they obviously do not honor the commitment made to their spouses. I believe there are As where the AP are good people but are cowards. Both looking for the same things in life, understand each other's situations and both afraid to make any big changes in their lives. Once these APs meet and realize they found what they were missing, it is a shame for them to not have a life together. I don't believe people change too much throughout their lives which would require an "upgrade" every couple of years. I believe people often marry young, before being emotionally mature. I believe when you are older, you realize what you truly want. It isn't a matter of a person changing, it is a matter of getting real with themselves and figuring out what you want out of life. Of course, OP loves her family. This is the reason to why she is so conflicted. I propose a mother who is honest with herself and living a life the way she wants would make a happier mom (divorced or married). An excited, enthusiastic Mom ready to live life to the fullest with her children. If she is in a M where she doesn't feel the spark, feels like she is following a script, she would not feel alive. Her children would suffer. Genuine happiness is living an authentic life. Being honest with yourself and with ALL in your life. Honesty can start today. If you find you love your husband, you need to devote yourself to him. Cut out AP from your life. If your heart can't accept a life without AP and you don't feel the love you should for H, then divorce. You will have to keep the communication lines open between you and your child. Stop living a lie. Whatever road you choose, do it for you. You only have one life. Loving yourself does not mean you love your children less. But to assume the path to happiness is by divorcing and being with om is shortsighted and unrealistic. Most moms wouldn't be happy splitting up their kids home- not when dad is a good guy that loves his kids. If as a parent you will be moping around all sad, you need to learn better coping skills- not turn your familys life upside-down. Happy, she thinks her familys worth saving. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 BetrayedH, I liked your "grass is greener" so much that I put it in my signature. Hope you don't mind. Don't mind at all. Hell, all my lines are stolen anyway. In a similar vein, "The grass only looks greener over there because it's on a septic tank." 4
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 If she is in a M where she doesn't feel the spark, feels like she is following a script, she would not feel alive. Her children would suffer. You are saying if she isn't feeling all fluttery intense and in love, that spark, then her children will suffer? Marriages have ups and downs, nobody is happy go lucky 24/7, totally happy with their spouses and marriages all the time. She herself said she is insecure and has some issues but doesn't mean that spark is gone forever and is doing damage to her kids and they'll suffer. To even imply that is ridiculous. She is asking advice to end the A, not cling to some fantasy and a MM whom she truly does not know inside and out. So what if they have a connection, she has some feelings. That doesn't mean she should divorce and be with this guy. MOST in affairs feel that love more intensely because of the affair setting and dynamic. She is in withdrawal and it's like she's missing that drug...aka how MM made her feel. She has only known him in an affair setting ,not out in the real world with everyday life thrown at them. 3
Lillyfree Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 You are saying if she isn't feeling all fluttery intense and in love, that spark, then her children will suffer? furthermore, i will say her children are suffering RIGHT NOW - as she's taking the time and attention from them in order to conduct an A. 1
aliveagain Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) A lot of people are going to be hurt, the longer she drags it out the worse it will be. Regardless of which path she chooses she will lose someone, O/M must go, he is not real and does not compensate for the loss of her family or her integrity. She got herself into this mess and she has to take the steps required to fix it, she already knows it's wrong or she wouldn't be falling apart and asking for help. I hope you and your family can survive this intact. You need to have an answer as to why you did this to your family. You need to cut all contact with O/M or be prepared to leave your family, you can't have both, this is what your body is telling you. Just to be clear, O/M is not your best friend, a best friend doesn't break up a marriage. You need to open your eyes and see this before it is too late. Edited January 7, 2014 by aliveagain 2
BetrayedH Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Yeah, I'm afraid I can't buy into this "you deserve to be happy" line of reasoning either. While there is no doubt that new relationships are fun and exciting, when we make a commitment to marriage and children, we choose to make a commitment to give up the single life. It's not a small decision and that's made clear when you get married. You now have a spouse that is dependent upon you keeping your commitment and once you have children, they are counting on you to stop chasing those "new love" chemicals, too. I think a lot of this has to do with understanding that love evolves. Mature love isn't always full of the chemical excitement. Mature love is something akin to a deep respect and admiration for one another. When we see an old couple together, do we think that they sexually look at one another and say, "Oh wow, I gotta get me some of that?!" Of course not. There are many times in life where they could have traded in for a younger and more exciting model. The beauty of marriage is that they didn't. They chose to trade in the new love chemicals for a mature love that lasts much longer. They chose to water the grass at home. 5
harrybrown Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) Perhaps, that would be the case. Often, those in As are cowards and afraid to hurt people. I would not exactly say A thrive in secrecy. Being kept a secret is what often makes the AP end the A. If this love is real, they would both move mountains and weather the storm together to share the lives as one. It does take courage to make these big life changes. People often take the easy road (staying where they are) for many reasons: fear of hurting others, financial reasons, obligation, etc. This affair love does not have to pay the bills and do work. The affair love is not real because the Affair partners lie to there spouses and to their affair partners. They are in some land of the unicorns. When the light shines, and the truth comes out, the APs are really POS. My friends wife had an affair. He was not a successful businessman. He is now serving time for raping a girl under the age of 16. One of her daughters friends. He also molested her daughter. The fog has come off the affair partner, but at one time he was her soul mate. Give me a break. He cheats on his wife and does not work. He is a POS. And the previous OM had several other affair partners at the same time. Wonderful mix of stds. Edited January 7, 2014 by harrybrown edit 1
tiredofitall2 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) This affair love does not have to pay the bills and do work. The affair love is not real because the Affair partners lie to there spouses and to their affair partners. They are in some land of the unicorns. When the light shines, and the truth comes out, the APs are really POS. My friends wife had an affair. He was not a successful businessman. He is now serving time for raping a girl under the age of 16. One of her daughters friends. He also molested her daughter. The fog has come off the affair partner, but at one time he was her soul mate. Give me a break. He cheats on his wife and does not work. He is a POS. And the previous OM had several other affair partners at the same time. Wonderful mix of stds. Wait, so your friend's W left him for OM. Then this OM rapes his step daughter's friend and molested his step daughter? Now his in jail. or is it your friend that did all of this? Just sounds little confusing. Anyway, I have a 4yr old dd with my stbxw and this is one of the concerns I always have. There are plenty of POS men out there that will not respect your children. On a different thread people are happy that BS filed for D after his W cheated, but she has been truly remorseful. They have a 4yr old dd together. This is one thing a lot of people do not take into consideration here when giving advise. They reflect their own "feelings" after being betrayed men themselves and the man pride speaks louder than reason. All my man pride will not allow me to live with myself if I leave my remorseful wife and she later ends up with a man that hurts my daughter. Edited January 7, 2014 by tiredofitall2 1
Scott Thomas Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 The best way to end the affair is to confess to your husband, maintain strict NC with the other man and start MC. The other guy stays at home while your husband is a successful man. Do you realise how many single women would gladly pick your husband over the OM? How would you feel if your mother cheated on your father with your friend's dad? That's exactly how your children will feel when you two are caught. While you may not care about your husband, you do have an obligation towards your innocent children. Read Sophie's thread. There are some other former MW who can share their experiences with you. Even if you don't confess to your husband, let him 'go free'. He'll only live once and deserves to be with a woman who respects him and is his honest with him. To deny him this fundamental human right would be extremely cruel, especially since you've already betrayed him. These words may sound harsh but trust me, as I've been in your position, the harsh reality is exactly what you need. 1
tiredofitall2 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Melvyn, they both need to make the decision to swing, it's not the same thing when the husband doesn't know he's in an open marriage, that's called infidelity, adultery. It's a biggy, they even have a Commandment dedicated to forbidding it. If your into dating and having intercourse with different partners don't get married to someone that is monogamous. Don't surprise your spouse after you've married them, tell them before so they have a choice. I guess we should then follow ALL our "animal" instincts! It's only natural. Right? Then we should right books about it. Lol, that's what we get from living in this new "secular" society where there is not such thing as wrong or right. It's ridiculous! 1
BetrayedH Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I guess we should then follow ALL our "animal" instincts! It's only natural. Right? Then we should right books about it. Lol, that's what we get from living in this new "secular" society where there is not such thing as wrong or right. It's ridiculous! There are even some of us secular atheists that find that concept to be nonsense. There's something to be said for using rational thoughts to control some of those animal instincts and embrace ethical behavior. Don't want to be monogamous? Great, don't get married and fake someone else into being monogamous for you. 3
aliveagain Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I guess we should then follow ALL our "animal" instincts! It's only natural. Right? Then we should right books about it. Lol, that's what we get from living in this new "secular" society where there is not such thing as wrong or right. It's ridiculous! Good point about animal instincts. Did you know that Geese mate for life, Monogamous. Ravens, yes the Edgar Allan Poe variety also mate for life, they can live up to 50 years. Mature Ravens will even help out a young couple just starting out helping them find a home and hunt for food. Wolves mate for life, Swans, Gibbons, Black Vultures, French Angelfish, Turtle Doves and of course the great symbol of America, The American Bald Eagle all mate for life. The problem it appears is humans. 3
Snipercatt Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Melvyn the poster specifically asked for help to end their affair. We are asked to stay on topic when we post. 1
Scott Thomas Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 A monkey? A bloody primate? That's your ideal for human behaviour? Something that lives in the trees? What about the part where we evolved from them millions of years ago? Have you gone bonkers? On a further note, even these animals, known for their promiscuity, copulate in the open: their entire tribe knows who's 'doing' who, so their partners also get their share of the 'fun'. Despite a furry arse and a rigid tail, even they don't feel the need to cheat in secret and lie. Our dear poster here thinks her right trump those of her husband. If the poster wants to have sex with other people, she should set her husband free so that he can find someone else: equal rights for everybody. Or do you dispute this as well?
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