Heatbroken

[futureswimmer]

I am a long time reader of LS. haven't posted in a while, but I guess now Im back...... Heartbroken..... Ive gotten a lot of great advice from a lot of you guys and have implemented them the best to my ability..

 

 

Im still heartbroken over the same guy ive been dating for a little over 4 years now. We were suppose to get married this year. Well our marriage license expires this coming Sunday. I love him with all of my heart, and it hurts even while im typing this. This was my first real relationship. I am 31 and hes 33.. Why, does it have to hurt to damn bad?

 

 

I was on Fb today and seen a mutual friends picture. So I thought let me just see if hes changed his profile pic. hes had the same picture up of hisself for a year now. And Bam! him and another chick!

 

 

He just befriended her, could of been a little less than a month, but already shows they are in a relationship. I looked at her profile and they are talking about spending the snow day with each other, and hes saying when you have a good woman you will do any and everything to make her happy... Wow!

 

 

He didn't even want to be my friend on fb, because he feels like im to jealous.. But when I moved back into his house in November, and we said we will marry each other, I sent him a request. and he accepted..

 

 

the relationship ended last month when I looked through his history and saw pics and some girl kissing and hugging... ( my stomach dropped)

I called him and yelled and screamed and we talked it through, about how it was old pics , from when we were on a mini break.. Well that day , he said a comment that stuck with me. "if you think im cheatg, then I might as well cheat" Huh? we r planning on getting married and you have those kinds of thoughts. Well a few days past, and I saw his texting the girl from fb, and just started yelling and packing my belongings. and moved out.. He said he was telling her "why she keep sending naked pics, and blah blah.. I wasn't thinking straight to ask to see his phone, I was to hurt to think straight.

 

 

I saw him Xmas eve, and could tell he already had one foot out the door. I asked what happens with us, and he said hes not sure. Well I can see why he wasn't sure.. Hes already moved some girl into his house..

 

 

I have went NC since xmas... and today im hurt all over again.. back to walking around the house feeling like a zombie.. back to crying all day..

 

 

Im sorry im rambling.....

Edited January 6, 2014 by futureswimmer

[Eau Claire]

What do you mean you moved 'back into his house' in November'?

 

Did you have some incident before this? All was fine for 4 years?

 

If not, why would you want to get married?

[futureswimmer]

What do you mean you moved 'back into his house' in November'?

 

Did you have some incident before this? All was fine for 4 years?

 

If not, why would you want to get married?

 

 

No, our relationship has always been off and on. Ive moved in to his home with him, and when things didn't work out I would move back with my mom. This is a pattern we've done for 4 years. Ive been know as "the runner" in my moms eyes... I had a long talk with her 2 weeks ago, and she told me I need to communicate more, stop running when we have problems, and stop being a door mat to him..

 

 

I still want to marry him. I did everything I could possibly do to make him happy. But it just seemed like it was never enough. I love him dearly, and he was my first love. and it hurts!

 

 

We were planning on moving to another state this year, and starting over. and getting our relationship on the right track.. but now it seems that wont happen

[Eau Claire]

You seem too immature to marry. On and off again...more than once? What is a piece of paper going to do...magic glue to keep you together?

 

You both need to move on in life.

[Keepsake]

I agree with your Mom here. Communication is a must...

 

However, you found that on his phone and he turned it around on you and he might as well cheat if that's what you think. He's an ass. You need to forget about him.

 

Work on yourself... Get to know yourself... Love yourself...

 

You might have some problems~ issues but take a moment to reflect and see the whole story. We all make mistakes, but you have to take a lesson from them, learn and grow.

 

It's hard to let go, I myself am currently having a very hard time dealing. So, I can relate as many on this website can.

 

I myself just did something similar, you can look up my thread. Heartborken and Lost...

 

Stay strong. Talk to your Mom more and head her advice, I know sometimes that hard to do. But stop, listen, and digest.

 

I should take my own advice!!!

 

Hugs to you and stay strong...

[futureswimmer]

You seem too immature to marry. On and off again...more than once? What is a piece of paper going to do...magic glue to keep you together?

 

You both need to move on in life.

 

 

 

I am very inexperienced. and I learned as the years went on. Ive always wanted to be the best woman I could be. I never knew how to be comfortable in my own skin, and sexuality.

 

 

My self esteem is basically shot!

 

 

I feel like he has always complimented other women, but not me. Hes posting pics up with him and these girls, and him and I don't have/had not one pic of us.

 

 

A piece of paper wouldn't fix things, but was hoping it would make our relationship more definite. more secure.

 

 

I would like to say I do need to move on, but it hurts.. I cant..

I have been ok, especially at work this past week. And now today, im stuck wondering why?

[futureswimmer]

I agree with your Mom here. Communication is a must...

 

However, you found that on his phone and he turned it around on you and he might as well cheat if that's what you think. He's an ass. You need to forget about him.

 

Work on yourself... Get to know yourself... Love yourself...

 

You might have some problems~ issues but take a moment to reflect and see the whole story. We all make mistakes, but you have to take a lesson from them, learn and grow.

 

It's hard to let go, I myself am currently having a very hard time dealing. So, I can relate as many on this website can.

 

I myself just did something similar, you can look up my thread. Heartborken and Lost...

 

Stay strong. Talk to your Mom more and head her advice, I know sometimes that hard to do. But stop, listen, and digest.

 

I should take my own advice!!!

 

Hugs to you and stay strong...

 

 

 

Im trying to work on myself, I don't know how to love myself, and be self- fish to myself.

 

 

Ive taken a moment to reflect. I didn't realize I was such a 'runner".. I just felt like since I was in his house and things wasn't going right, I didn't want to make him unhappy in "his own home". So I would leave.

 

 

My thing my mom pointed out is that I need to grow a backbone. Ive always been an emotional person. I cry. If im unhappy, I cry. I loved this man with all my heart. And most times it was hard for me to communicate effectively because I was crying and hung up on my words.

 

 

I still would like to move to Florida this year, as him and I discussed. I would like to take classes to learn Spanish or find a good tutorial . But I just don't be in the mood.

 

 

I have an job interview tomorrow. and need to focus on that. Hopefully I have the strength to get up.

 

 

Thank you keepsake for your words. Hugs to you as well.. how are you holding up?

[futureswimmer]

As apposed to this morning when I was feeling like a walking zombie. I am feeling a lot better.

 

 

I realized that I need to stop , think , and re evaluate what I needed to do to get myself together again. First, Im going to eliminate fb completely. Im not going to deactivate it, but not log on anymore. That way I dint find myself stalking his page. and wondering why? how? All the questions I would never get an answer to, but was continually making me unhappy.

 

 

Ive learned how to re channel my thoughts. whenever I start to think about him, I try to consume my thoughts with something else, whether its my dog, what I want to eat, anything..

 

 

I want to start looking into learning Spanish, like I said I do.

And try to pick up a hobby. something that I can look forward to doing. To separate my life, and the things I love to do. Because for the past 4 years Ive lived my life through him.

 

 

I like the quote "this too shall pass".. I read it on one of the threads. And I actually want to tattoo that on my ankle. I was thinking next month on my birthday. or maybe get " esto también pasará. (Which is in Spanish) Not just in reference to him, but for myself. Me taking such a bold move and plan on moving to Florida. and any hiccups or challenges in the process, I will remind myself , this too, will pass...

 

 

I will continue to post here, because its always helped me.. insights comments are always recommended.

 

 

If anyone know any books or websites I can read for self help. re gaining self esteem, anything of that nature I would greatly appreciate it.. I saw some books like "why men love Bi#@hes, and think like a man blah blah blah.. I don't need those reads..

 

 

 

Im just 2 weeks in of NC. But I can do this..

Edited January 7, 2014 by futureswimmer

[futureswimmer]

Since the last day I posted its been almost a week. Yesterday marked the last day that out marriage license ended. I thought I would be extremely emotional. But it hit me today.

 

 

Its sad that we couldn't even make it within the two months from the day we got the marriage license. I feel so sad. alone. heartbroken.

 

 

I ran into him at the gym Friday which was odd because he's never went at night. It was very awkward. At first I stormed out the gym, because I wasn't ready to see him. I went all the way home, which is 5 mins away. When I got home, I thought "why am I running from him? So I went back. I spoke, he spoke back and that was pretty much it.

 

 

Today I shouldn't have logged on to facebook, as I've been doing good. I know he's in a relationship as his profile picture, and status shows it. (must be a lucky girl) I guess part of me was hoping it ended, but it hasn't.. Now I'm back to feeling like an emotional roller coaster.

 

 

I'm off work for the next 3 days so I have nothing but time to think about it.

I so bad want to send a text saying I love you still..

 

 

I'm writing on here to hopefully get some clarification. Get my mind off things from sending the message.. Im so hurt