1994O Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 me and my girlfriend on 9 months broke up 5 weeks ago. we broke up duue to arguements and the timing of the relationship felt wrong. we ended up back together but for the wrong reasons and we mutually decided to go our seperate ways again last night. we still love eachother. she said she needs to be by herself as she is not happy, leading to her not being happy in a relationship. she wants to get back together someday and get married and have kids but she said she feels the timing and the circumstances are wrong. she said she loves me but she is unsure if she's in love at the moment, she said she felt something was missing with us at this time. she said she wasnt 100% about the breakup but said we need to do it. i am absoloutely heartbroken. she is not the type of girl to run off into a rebound relationship. there is no other man involved i do believe she needs time to sort herself out. i desperately want her back. will i ever get her back? she said she feels she will never get a man like me and she said i was the perfect boyfriend. i am so confused. will i ever get her back? what should i do? NC? please help i am heartbroken
mantlefan Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 The thing I have learned in only a few weeks on here is that NC is the best way to go no matter what, it seems. Do you love her and want her to be happy? Go NC. Let her figure out what she wants without your influence. Do you want her back? Go NC. She needs to choose that all by herself. If she doesn't want it enough to break NC, then even if you get back together you will both be miserable. Do you want to move on with your life? Go NC. You can't figure out what you want if it's constantly in the framework of wanting her back. I learned this one the hard way. Do you not know what you want? Go NC. Even if you are WANT to be miserable now, you will eventually realize it's not worth it to stay that way and you will find out what you want. 1
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 its the fact that she wasnt 100% about the break up thats killing me. i feel deep down she will realise she wants me back but then maybe im wrong.
loveflying Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Amount of BUT's raised a red flag here. Because they are on important subjects. I'd like to point them out below if you don't mind: "we ended up back together BUT for the wrong reasons she wants to get back together someday and get married and have kids BUT she said she feels the timing and the circumstances are wrong she said she loves me BUT she is unsure if she's in love at the moment she said she wasn't 100% about the breakup BUT said we need to do it" Move on. It is toxic. If the person is keeping you on the limbo, you need show some respect to yourself. You matter. You need to be on the same page and want the same things. If one is flaking out and coming with all kinds of excuses pay attention. What you want is important too. I've read this somewhere and it felt right "Don't date the potential. Date IS". If she is not giving her 100% she never will. You have love to give, give someone who deserves, someone ready to make you happy as well. She might be an excellent person but if she is not ready, there is absolutely nothing you can do.
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 we are young. and all them buts werent exactly her words they are mine. im 19 and shes 17.
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 i forgot one detail. she did say she feels if we go no contact and come back together then we will work. she said the slate needs to be clean and to be honest i agree as there is too much damage done to jump straight back into the relationship. im just scared of how long it will take, and if it ever happens
loveflying Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 She doesn't have to say hun. That's how you understood. She is unsure pretty much about everything. But now I know the ages: I think it is normal. Your reaction and her reaction. Too young to make calls and no need. How is taking one day at a time? At 19 and 17 you don't have to dive in to a relationship. Enjoy the time you guys spending together without feeling the pressure? Why not have a "one day at a time, let's have fun" pact? I am not seasoned on this board and no way a relationship expert. Not at all. But I want you to know this: the pain you are going through is normal. You are not the first and won't be the last dealing with not knowing. Only time will tell. Give her some time and keep yourself busy. Do things makes you happy and use this time to evolve. Cheers
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 so how long before i suggest that do you think?
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 im abit unsure of what good that will do though? what good would it do?
loveflying Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 What good would it do? Doing things without an agenda / pressure will help you see each other clearer in my opinion. You might be crazy about her now but once you lift that trying to be the best boyfriend because you are crazy about her off of your shoulders you will have time/opportunity to see if you really want her. Remember it is not all about her choices. It is about your choices too. You'll see what you've been really worrying about. If you both still like the time spent together the relation will grow naturally. Because you'll be nurturing it just by being yourselves. What I am trying to say is be easy on yourself. 1
Sasukie Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I'll be blunt about this. You're 19, she's 17. You haven't gone to university or college yet. Let's be honest your chance of your relationship lasting is prettttty slim if you think about it. I know you must think she's the one and all that, but is she? How many girls have you met? Its fine to be in love, but a girl telling you that she wants to marry you in the future when she's 17 has no creditibility (sp). Lets say you marry when you're 30, are you telling me you're going to date her for 10+ years? Anyways this is all besides the point: Like other posters you can do two things in this scenario- 1) Contact her, beg her, do whatever your emotions want - probably suffocate her with the emotions given that she's young, and push her away 2) no contact - kill your heart for a week - be fidgety as hell, learn how to go through it once so it'll be better the next time. Learn to be independent, give the space as suggested and if you guys break, then so be it, it wasn't meant to be. If she wants to be with you, then you're lucky and just be happy. I myself would lean towards #2. Best of luck!
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 What good would it do? Doing things without an agenda / pressure will help you see each other clearer in my opinion. You might be crazy about her now but once you lift that trying to be the best boyfriend because you are crazy about her off of your shoulders you will have time/opportunity to see if you really want her. Remember it is not all about her choices. It is about your choices too. You'll see what you've been really worrying about. If you both still like the time spent together the relation will grow naturally. Because you'll be nurturing it just by being yourselves. What I am trying to say is be easy on yourself. how long should i leave it before saying this to her?
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I'll be blunt about this. You're 19, she's 17. You haven't gone to university or college yet. Let's be honest your chance of your relationship lasting is prettttty slim if you think about it. I know you must think she's the one and all that, but is she? How many girls have you met? Its fine to be in love, but a girl telling you that she wants to marry you in the future when she's 17 has no creditibility (sp). Lets say you marry when you're 30, are you telling me you're going to date her for 10+ years? Anyways this is all besides the point: Like other posters you can do two things in this scenario- 1) Contact her, beg her, do whatever your emotions want - probably suffocate her with the emotions given that she's young, and push her away 2) no contact - kill your heart for a week - be fidgety as hell, learn how to go through it once so it'll be better the next time. Learn to be independent, give the space as suggested and if you guys break, then so be it, it wasn't meant to be. If she wants to be with you, then you're lucky and just be happy. I myself would lean towards #2. Best of luck! we are both in college in the same city. how long should i go nc for?
loveflying Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Wait a week or two at least with absolute No Contact.. It is too hot to handle. Get busy.. Help people around you. Helping makes you feel better. And boosts your mood.
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 still confused on how it would work to get her back. would she then get comfortable being friends? when we first broke up we were sort of doing what you said to do and to be honest we were getting on great but we rushed back into the relationship to quick then. maybe if we do that again but take it slow it may work? i dont know. i know its silly but they say you know when its true love. and this is, a break is all it really needs.
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 i suppose the way i see it is if it's meant to be it will be. so no matter what way i go about this if its meant to be it will all fall into place, if not it wont and i have to accept that
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 so we bumped into eachother and ended up talking. she said she is happy being single for now. she wants to get back together but not until it feels right she needs time to sort herself out. she is happy to go with the "lets have fun" pact. we are going to meet up every so often and text and call the odd time aswell just not to the extent of being in a relationship. i suppose now we are just best friends.
mantlefan Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 My ex told me the same thing, that we could be friends and have fun and see what else happens. She might have really meant it. But I don't think it is going to end well for you. Granted, she was after one of my good friends this whole time she and I were trying to "be friends and see if we get back together," but I think it might be best to tell her you still care about her and you think it's best for both of you to be on your own for awhile and see what you really want.
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 did ye get back together? i believe since the breakup was flimsy enough that being friends might restore us? maybe im wrong. she wants a break from relationships not a break from me
mantlefan Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) did ye get back together? i believe since the breakup was flimsy enough that being friends might restore us? maybe im wrong. she wants a break from relationships not a break from me Well, we broke up 5 months ago. After I found out about a week ago that she went after my friend almost right after the breakup, I am starting to not want her back. She may say she wants a break from relationships, not you. My ex told me, in her own words that "It's just me right now" and that she wanted some time to think. Turns out she was calling my friend up and wanting to get with him probably right before and right after she sent me that message. Edited January 7, 2014 by mantlefan
Author 1994O Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 i am sorry to hear that thats a terrible situtation i suppose your better off without her. if that was the situation with me it would be different i would give up but this has nothing to do with other men and i have proof of that. i suppose time will tell what happens.
Luke12345 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Argh dude! I'm sorry but your gonna hate me, call me the tough love doctor if you will but here's the stitch. I'm 22 right, I've had my fair share of relationships, made my fair share of mistakes along the way and the most annoying thing I always heard was 'but you're still young, you got your whole life ahead of you, forget about it!' SO ANNOYING!! BUT ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! Youre only 19, you got lots to do still, shes 17, to be honest i found most young girls change their mind a lot anyway just to warn you. Stop pondering, stop pu$$y footing around, she's doing her stuff, the only way RIGHT NOW you can be happy and not the nervous wreck you so clearly are is crack on with things of your own, I mean cmon, she's doing it why can't you. You've said this is pretty much set in stone, she loves you, she wants you, she won't go with anyone else, its the timing is all, then fill that time with your own needs. Here's the reality your not gonna like when's all said and done though... 1. Best case scenario, great you're finally together after x amount of time and you've both improved your own lives up to it, let's live the rest of it together because your madly in love. 2. Worst case scenario, she changes her mind (and believe me you, from experience as I said young girls do this as much as a pair of high heels) then unlucky buddy, but on the flip side at least you haven't wasted a hell of as lot of time waiting for something that never happened, you will feel like a right mug if you've Done nothing but wait in that space of time. Ride a bike, fly a kite, take a holiday, go get drunk, hang with friends, play some pranks, do the hokey cokey.....LIVE!
Author 1994O Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Argh dude! I'm sorry but your gonna hate me, call me the tough love doctor if you will but here's the stitch. I'm 22 right, I've had my fair share of relationships, made my fair share of mistakes along the way and the most annoying thing I always heard was 'but you're still young, you got your whole life ahead of you, forget about it!' SO ANNOYING!! BUT ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! Youre only 19, you got lots to do still, shes 17, to be honest i found most young girls change their mind a lot anyway just to warn you. Stop pondering, stop pu$$y footing around, she's doing her stuff, the only way RIGHT NOW you can be happy and not the nervous wreck you so clearly are is crack on with things of your own, I mean cmon, she's doing it why can't you. You've said this is pretty much set in stone, she loves you, she wants you, she won't go with anyone else, its the timing is all, then fill that time with your own needs. Here's the reality your not gonna like when's all said and done though... 1. Best case scenario, great you're finally together after x amount of time and you've both improved your own lives up to it, let's live the rest of it together because your madly in love. 2. Worst case scenario, she changes her mind (and believe me you, from experience as I said young girls do this as much as a pair of high heels) then unlucky buddy, but on the flip side at least you haven't wasted a hell of as lot of time waiting for something that never happened, you will feel like a right mug if you've Done nothing but wait in that space of time. Ride a bike, fly a kite, take a holiday, go get drunk, hang with friends, play some pranks, do the hokey cokey.....LIVE! sounds good! do you recommend staying in contact or going nc? just dont think nc is neccesary myself because if i go nc and get her back just because she misses me and doesnt want the relationship whats the point? if its meant to be it will be and i dont think anyting i really do will stop that
Sasukie Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Hey 1994, this is what you're doing: You're grasping for straws. I think we all went through the same thing - for every meaningful relationship, its hard to let go. You understand one part of no contact, but you misinterpret what it really means and what you have to do. You guys broke up, I know you're worried, what if I go no contact and she thinks I'm not interested and then she'll move on. Honestly you don't have a choice, you have to leave it to chance. If she told you she's happy, you have to just disappear. I know its pretty ridiculous, but the more you do and try to grasp at straws and overthink, you're just wasting your time. You can not change people's minds. If that worked, telling her you love her and that she's making a mistake would make her come back. Clearly that didn't work. Anyways either you realize this now or after you relish in some pain and get depressed about why al your actions didn't have any result. Break contact, don't have to tell her, no contact is no contact. There's no point in asking "how long do I NC for?" Its basically assume its over and get on with your life. It could be days, it could be months, or even a year. Let go. You can choose to hold onto hope or not, but holding on to hope when there really isn't is pointless. This is straight forward and blunt, its also the reality for a high % of cases. The world is vast, its not the end. 1
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