(long) Am I crazy, or are these some hellacious mixed signals?

[dumpedonNYE]

Okay, a little backstory. I met this guy on a dating website that I joined on a whim. The spark was instantaneous. I've never clicked with anyone the way I did with him, and I could tell the feeling was mutual.

 

The problem? He's currently going through a divorce. So we agreed from the get-go, no jumping into a serious thing.

 

But over a few weeks, we got closer and closer. We spent pretty much every second possible together (and even squeezed in some hours that shouldn't have been).

 

I've never met anyone that I can talk to about anything and not shock them, who loves to argue as much as me, who thinks the way I do, who makes me laugh and who I make laugh, who likes that I'm smart, who I feel as comfortable around as someone I've known for years. And he was actually the one to put that into words first. (And let's not mention the sex. It's too depressing to think about how good it was.)

 

We spent the whole weekend before NYE together, and he broached the subject of what we were again. He said that he was going through a lot and couldn't guarantee where his head would be over the next few months, but that all he knew was he didn't think this was just a rebound. He said he had found himself sitting waiting for a text from me when I wasn't around, or thinking about what I would say or think about something he saw or read.

I hate having the "what are we" talk so I tried to duck him, and he said that if this was going to turn into something, which it most likely was, then he wanted me to be able to communicate with him.

So I told him that I felt the same way, and that I understood what was happening with him. I said I was fine with keeping things the way they were, since the way they were was amazing. I did say that my only request was to know beforehand if he (a) was reconciling with the STBX, or (b) felt like he needed to go out and sow some wild oats. He agreed to that. We stayed up late just talking, and when he woke up the next morning he smiled and kissed me and giddily convinced me to go to breakfast despite it making him late to work.

I finally dragged myself away so that he could go to work, and we said we would try to hang out either on the 31st or as soon after as we could.

 

The next day, NYE, I got a text from him asking if I wanted to meet up before he went to pick up the kids and take them to the fireworks. I of course wanted to, and I met him at a coffee shop across from my apartment.

 

I could tell instantly when I walked in that something was wrong, but I thought maybe he'd fought with the STBX or had a bad day or something. Oh boy, I got ****ing blindsided.

 

I went outside to get a table while he waited on his coffee, chatted with a co-worker who was passing by, and when I turned around to sit down he had his head in his hands, down on the table. When I asked him what was wrong, he took a few seconds and finally looked up at me, and said,

"I don't think we should see each other anymore."

 

I think I said something like, "Aha. And, uh, why is that?"

 

He already seemed taken aback that I wasn't visibly upset. He explained that he felt like he needed to be single for a while, that he couldn't have the emotional responsibility of having a relationship.

I reminded him that we had agreed to keep things status quo, and that I meant it when I said I wasn't going to press him for anything else.

 

"It's going to be something else. This month has been great, and the next month will be even better, and the month after that will be even better than that. I already know I'm going to be looking at a place and thinking about where you'll keep your stuff, or I'll be out with friends and just thinking about you. We're already attached, and we're only going to be more attached. And even you said you'd be hurt if I ****ed some other girl. Well what if I'm out at a bar and I take someone home? I mean, I'm supposed to be single and I'm supposed to do that."

 

I asked him if he wanted to do that right now. And no, he didn't. He just hypothetically probably would in the future, maybe. He said he knew he could just end up hurting me. I told him that that was the case with every relationship ever, but he didn't want to listen.

 

So his reasons for breaking up with me were that he knew we were going to end up falling in love, and he knew he would only want to be with me. And divorced people aren't supposed to do that. I don't remember much of what I said in return, but I remember staying calm and just presenting my view of things. Most of all, I remember him seeming completely broken up over this, looking miserable, and at one point he said "I love how I'm more upset over this than you."

 

I told him maybe he was right, and that I understood what he was saying. His response was "Why do I feel like you're just letting me make a huge mistake?" I didn't know what to say to that, I just said that I was letting him make his own decision.

 

Eventually he said that he was just making things harder on himself and he was going to go. We hugged goodbye, I tried to shorten it using the old backslap technique, but he just held onto me. When I pulled away he only let me go to arms' length and looked down at me, and said "I wish I had met you a year from now....maybe soon when I have my **** together..."

 

And that was where I stopped him. I said no, he's not going to do that. I pulled away and he said "Well, you know, I'll probably see you around?"

 

I didn't respond, I just smiled at him and said goodbye again, and walked home.

 

I got home and cried my eyes out. I was perversely happy I managed to hold it in until he was gone. Then I remembered I still had a very important DVD of his, and decided to drop it off at the apartment where he'd been staying since I knew he'd be out. In order to not seem angry or bitter, I left him a note, which said

 

"I forgot I had this, wanted to spare you the “hey could I get my stuff back” awkwardness.

Thanks for coffee and being honest. All I’ll say is I don’t wish I’d met you sooner or later or in a better place, because none of that ever lines up. In a year I might have been married and pregnant, or living in New Mexico, or laying in the ICU after having been run over by a street sweeper and dragged for three miles.

 

I’m just glad I met you, period.

 

Anyway, I hope your new year is fantastic and exciting and that you find everything you’re looking for. I also hope no one stole this box because that would be even more awkward.

 

Thanks for a really great month."

 

 

After getting home, I checked facebook for some reason, and noticed he'd un-friended me but left everything public. He had posted several times since we'd left each other, one being "That familiar feeling." One being the video of "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" by Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, with a comment of something like "Yup." The lyrics are all about having known someone a short amount of time, but wishing you were important enough to spend New Year's with, and wondering who they'll be kissing at midnight. There was also some silly image of couples kissing underneath fireworks, while he compared himself to a fat kid eating potato chips alone.

 

I was baffled. Who broke up with whom?

 

So the next morning after getting incredibly drunk, I realized I left something very valuable to him out in the open, and texted him to make sure he got it. I apologized for texting him, and explained why I had. He said not to apologize to him for texting, that he had gotten the DVD, and that my note had "meant a lot" to him. I chose to ignore most of that and mentioned that I noticed he had deleted me from Facebook, so I assumed he didn't want any more contact with me.

 

His reply was, verbatim, "I'm just spineless. I figured I'd check on you all the time. I also deleted my online "dating" profiles. Willpower? Ha."

 

I got angry and told him I didn't know how to respond to that. "Should I ask why you can't at least act like YOU think breaking things off was a good idea, considering it was your idea? Or should I agree that you're spineless, but it's because you're too afraid of something ending badly to take a chance, as though there's such a thing as good timing or a sure bet or a painless breakup? Or do I tell you I already ****ing miss you and that I'll probably need to be the one worrying about willpower and checking up on you?"

 

Basically nothing happened after that. I apologized for dumping all that on him, and he responded by saying "I think you left your brave-face at Starbucks."

 

I told him "I'm sorry I didn't give you a big enough scene," and he replied that he was just making a joke, because I was acting like he didn't give a **** about my feelings, which we both know is bull****.

 

I told him that no, I was acting like I didn't understand his feelings, since if he wanted to break things off I get it, but I don't get why he would say **** about checking on me and posting sad **** on Facebook if that's the case.

 

Since then he hasn't contacted me at all. I texted him one time to apologize for mocking his feelings and not just leaving him alone when I should have. I explained I was just confused at him having such mixed feelings. Still nothing.

 

I know I should have no contact with him, and I don't plan to. But I just wish I could really understand what he's thinking.

 

Can anyone shed any light on this convoluted mess? And please spare me the conspiracy theories about how he's already ****ing someone or going back to his wife. I do want him back, I won't lie, but I'm not planning on contacting him anymore. I think if he actually wants to be with me, he'll realize it's better than some hypothetical Awesome Single Life he's imagining.

 

I miss him so much.

[d0nnivain]

He probably wasn't expecting to meet someone with whom he clicked so fast & it freaked him out.

 

 

You can't fix or change whatever was going on in his head. . . only he can do that but right now that's a scary place.

 

 

Give him what he wants & ignore him. In 6 months if you still care, see what he's been up to.

[Zahara]

It's never a good idea to date someone that is separated or in the midst of a divorce.

 

You both went fast and deep into this and when everything is happening at lightning speed, most times you're running on the excitement and pleasure of the honeymoon stage, when the fantasy of it all takes over but then when reality starts to sink -- commitment is around the corner, people retreat, especially for a guy like him that's in the process of exiting commitment. It's probably the last thing he wants to do when he hasn't even resolved the ending of his marriage.

 

It could be that the timing is wrong, he's not that into you or he's just not looking to get tied down again or to be committed to one person, just yet.

 

In any case, these things happen and with people that are separating or divorcing, it would always be best to take a couple of years of to at least recuperate from a divorce, especially in terms of their emotional health.

 

I would suggest you stay NC.

[dumpedonNYE]

commitment is around the corner

 

See that's the thing I don't get. He's running from a commitment that doesn't exist, that's completely hypothetical, that he said he's going to want.

 

He broke up with me as though I was the one pushing for something. I was perfectly content with the way things were.

[Zahara]

See that's the thing I don't get. He's running from a commitment that doesn't exist, that's completely hypothetical, that he said he's going to want.

 

He broke up with me as though I was the one pushing for something. I was perfectly content with the way things were.

 

It doesn't matter whether it exists or not. In his mind, being with someone and going through the process of dating relates and equates to commitment. In his brain, it's bound to happen. You can tell him you don't want a relationship but he knows at some point you will want one.

 

But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what happened. He said that he was going through a lot and couldn't guarantee where his head would be over the next few months. Trust me, he is not going to know where his head is for a long time.

[d0nnivain]

We get that you were being reasonable but in his mind he was projecting, & what he saw in the future scared him in the present.

[dumpedonNYE]

Well, I at least feel better about staying no contact.

He definitely has a lot to work through right now, and like I told him, I don't want to be something that makes his life more difficult or more stressful.

I was hoping I could be there for him through it. He said he didn't want me to have to be involved in all the drama going on with him, but I don't know if that was just him trying to act noble.

 

I'm just trying to deal with the whiplash of going from "you make me happy, I can't wait to see you" to "I can't see you anymore" in less than 48 hours.

[legion113]

I don't know, you seemed to handle that extremely well, I like the way you said a few things, and yeah, he seems spineless. People that are afraid of potential probabilities might as well just stick their head in the sand, they are too frozen by fear to move forward, backward or even sideways. He hasn't even cheated on you and he already feels guilty about it if it should happen?!?!? WTF?!?!!? You might as well get rid of him since he might be scared he may divorce you in the future, that's if he marries you which he will be too scared to do, or date you because....ahhhh, I can't even talk myself out of this time warp.

[rosedl]

Divorce is a crazy time.

 

My last boyfriend was separated from his wife and living apart for years and even then, the finalization process was hell for him. I thought that since they had been living apart for so long it didn't matter. It mattered.

 

My new rule. Not separated or recently divorced men. Period.

 

I would have saved myself oodles of heartbreak had I really understood the unresolved connections and feelings with his STBEX

 

More so then even the place he is in with his divorce, the fact that he was so passive aggressive in the breakup and played it like a game and expected you to fight for him to stay was weird.

[dumpedonNYE]

So I went out tonight and met someone, and...

 

he was so ****ing boring I wanted to smash my head into a wall.

 

I've also been talking to several more guys on OkCupid and despite having high match % I just have nothing real in common with them. They don't get my sense of humor, or they don't care. They don't want to talk about anything besides stock "dating" questions or what I do for a living.

 

 

I hate this so much. It was only a month! Why am I so torn up about it?

 

And why was he so torn up about it yet seems completely determined to stick to his guns?

 

 

I just want him to call me right now, if only to talk for a little while. I know I can't call him.

 

Should I have fought harder for him? I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him go.

[Winter blue]

So I went out tonight and met someone, and...

 

he was so ****ing boring I wanted to smash my head into a wall.

 

I've also been talking to several more guys on OkCupid and despite having high match % I just have nothing real in common with them. They don't get my sense of humor, or they don't care. They don't want to talk about anything besides stock "dating" questions or what I do for a living.

 

 

I hate this so much. It was only a month! Why am I so torn up about it?

 

And why was he so torn up about it yet seems completely determined to stick to his guns?

 

 

I just want him to call me right now, if only to talk for a little while. I know I can't call him.

 

Should I have fought harder for him? I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him go.

 

You are doing the right thing by letting him go. No, in fact, he let you go first. You don't fight for someone if they dump you in the first place, period.

 

If ever you two are mean for each other, he should be the one to fight for you. Don't forget, he is the one who gave you up, no matter what reasons he gave you, you have no choice now but to let it go.

 

I know how you feel now OP, I had let go someone that I thought I had strong connection with, she was the only one knew my sense of humor and I knew hers. However from the moment she gave up on me, I have decided she is no longer the one. You got do the same, take him off the pedestal.

 

Your feeling of no one can compare to him shall pass, you will meet someone who will make you laugh again, once if you can let go this one.

 

Stay strong.

[Fufu]

Let him do what he decides/whats first. Perhaps, he is feeling vex over the divorce.

 

At the meantime, please do something to cheer yourself up. Don't let this get you down for far too long.