margot13 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Has anyone one been left by a partner because of depression? This is what has happened to me. He has been diagnosed with chronic depression but refuses to get help. I offered to organize therapy for him and it resulted in being told I was just paying him off..... All experts say one of the symptoms is that depressed people push away and get angry at the ones they loved so as not to be reminded of their depression. But everynow and then I get a crumb of contact and for me it is best to move on and not respond because it still hurts and then I feel guilty because I am aware of his problem, and feel conflicted because he might need help. So very confused!! But unless he gets professional help I don't see the problem changing and believe I should move away from it. But of course still love him very much, and feel as if I am abandoning him.... Would love any advice on how to handle this....
mammasita Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 You can't force him to get help. He has to figure out how to help himself. Just like anyone with any sort of addiction or mental illness. I know it has to be terribly difficult for you because I'm sure you love him but the best thing you can do for your own sanity is let him be because the more you try to help him and nudge him into therapy, the more he will turn against you - especially if he's not ready to be helped. 2
JDPT Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 It all stems from within. And if he refuses at this point to seek professional assistance, it's not him declining, it's his depression making that decision for him. I'm thinking, in a completely hypothetical scenario where either he or she refuses to seek assistance and go untreated, it will not only exacerbate his/her depressed stated but will also take a toll on the relationship. Eventually the other member will get fed up and call it quits as harsh as that may sound. Nothing is for certain and there is only so much the other person will "put up" with until they crack. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I broke up with someone in part because he had bi-polar disorder. Me staying was contingent on him getting help & staying on his meds. He couldn't or wouldn't & I didn't want the drama.
Author margot13 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 You can't force him to get help. He has to figure out how to help himself. Just like anyone with any sort of addiction or mental illness. I know it has to be terribly difficult for you because I'm sure you love him but the best thing you can do for your own sanity is let him be because the more you try to help him and nudge him into therapy, the more he will turn against you - especially if he's not ready to be helped. Thanks, makes sense. But should I ignore him??? Everything here says NO CONTACT rule, and I get that but I feel conflicted with it. I don't contact him but find it very hard if he contacts me...
Author margot13 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 I broke up with someone in part because he had bi-polar disorder. Me staying was contingent on him getting help & staying on his meds. He couldn't or wouldn't & I didn't want the drama. How did you do that???? I also must admit as hurt as I am, the peace is refreshing at times... But still remember all the great things about him when he wasn't depressed. I think I too don't help him at the moment. But did you go complete no contact? 1
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Not exactly. When I threw him out of my house -- another issue was the straw that broke the camel's back -- I was very quiet & there was no mistaking that I was serious. He asked if he could stay 1 more week - 10 days which I said yes while he found a new place to live. He moved to another state. He sent an e-mail or two. I told him that I would prefer he not contact me until he got his act together. He never did. He died about two years later. I always had some clues about what was going on his life after we split because I had known him & his whole family since high school. I also worked with some relatives of his so being nasty was never an option.
livingnightmare Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Do you know what the cause of his depression is from?
LostConfused123 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I was with someone for seven years. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I begged and begged and begged for him to get help. He never did. He beat all the love I had for him out of me. Not literally. I really hope he gets help for his depression. Such a great man. o just wasn't qualified to "care" fir him anymore. I'm not a doctor and had no idea how to help. I just couldn't do it anymore.
Author margot13 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Do you know what the cause of his depression is from? Well I think stress triggers it, and sends him into a serious crisis. His daughter also suffers from depression and his father. Can it be genetic?
legion113 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Well I think stress triggers it, and sends him into a serious crisis. His daughter also suffers from depression and his father. Can it be genetic? yes it can be genetic, it's a chemical imbalance for most people, unless it's situational, like getting broke up with or losing a loved one.
ThatMan Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 You cannot make him better and you aren't abandoning him. Whenever you feel conflicted and broken up, try saying aloud that he's choosing his own disorder over the relationship with you. He may only decide for himself to get help. He's made his choice. 1
Real36 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 My father is depressed and has been for most of my life. He once told me that depressed people are the most selfish because they literally cannot think of anyone outside of themselves. They are consumed with self-deprecating thoughts and feelings. Always focused on the negative and take everything personally. You simply cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. If they choose not to accept your help and support, then at some point you have distance yourself in order to save yourself because it will just tear you up inside. I know it is difficult and seems so unfeeling but that is the nature of the illness and how it affects people who care about the afflicted. 1
Itspointless Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 It is not the same, I was in an ldr with an avoidant dismissive (as I discovered later on) who got seriously ill again. We were not that long together yet. She pushed me away and broke up. She wanted to be alone, even as she told me that she was starting to feel a lot for me. I do not ignore her, but I noticed that a message of mine did not meet any enthusiasm. Next to silence I got two short messages that were depressing. I miss her and care, but there literally is nothing I can do to, she does not want to talk. I guess we have to accept it and continue our own lives.
Author margot13 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 I appreciate the thoughts and advice everyone. Well I decided today to remove him from all forms of social media and instant messaging, it was being used as a real avoidance to talk to me, or a medium to get angry at me, depending on his mood. I did mention that if he wanted any help or support from me, then he knew how to contact me (meaning making a telephone call). I don't think I have ever felt so guilty and relieved at the same time. I do question if my actions are harsh?
2fargone Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 If anything you are being kind. Kind enough to give him the opportunity to figure things out for himself. Kind enough to think about yourself and not someone else. 1
Itspointless Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Well i think what we share is the fact that when it matters they apparently do not want us around. He also is not there for you when you need it. They already chose for themselves - although not for the best solutions - and not for us. It shocked me after all the shared dreams and promises she made in the short time before. Choose what is best for you, they won't, that hurts as you want the best for him. 1
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