How to continue a relationship with a porn/sex addict

[Believe01]

I'm not sure if talking about this will help me or make me feel worse...so here goes.

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half or so. We both consider ourselves "freaky" in bed. We both have fetishes and fantasies. We also have a sort of cuckold relationship. He really enjoys watching me satisfied by other men. For those of you who dont understand fetishes, please dont focus on just this.

 

For about a month or two, our sex life has declined. He seems disinterested in sex with me...and for a while it was killing my self esteem. Oh, and I'm 5 months pregnant with his baby. I figured this may have something to do with the changes of my body.

 

I decided to try and investigate some more. I needed to know what the deal was. So I decided to look through his phone while he was sleeping. I found several emails in which he was replying to T4m ads on craigslist. I was aware that prior to his relationship with me, that he had engaged in this before. I understand his fetish with this, and I did accept it. I understood that he watched tgirl porn.

 

After seeing that he was trying to arrange meet ups, I figured this was crossing the line and betraying my trust. I presented him with the evidence. I thought he would focus on the fact that I looked at his phone, but he didn't even care. He felt bad for hurting me. We had several discussions about this and how we can proceed with our relationship. Although he had made several arrangements, it honestly didn't appear to me that he had not gone through with it. Additionally, he promised me he did not.

 

This morning I woke up early and went downstairs...to my surprise, he was on the couch jerking off. I was utterly disappointed because we had not had sex in 2 months.

 

Mind you, I do not get upset with the occassional jerk off, or porn viewing. But I do understand that he is an addict. He has escalated in the types of porn he watches. Years ago, he would have been disgusted by tgirl porn. Now it seems to be the only thing that he wants.

 

After plenty of research, I understand that tgirl porn does not make him gay. And he probably isn't even bi. We've discussed bringing in a male for both of us to play with, but a man does nothing for him.

 

He seems to be one of the few people that can disassociate sex and intimacy/love. This is because of his addiction, which has started to escalate to wanting to live out his fantasies...which is why he is trying to contact tgirls.

 

I do believe he knows its wrong because he has not gone through with it. He is devastated at how much he has hurt me.

 

I want this to work. I love him with all of my heart. Sex/porn addiction is similar to drug or alcohol addiction, and I would stick with him through that. I want to stick with him through this (as long as he doesn't cheat on me, and wants to change).

 

Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation? Is it possible for him to change/recover from this addiction? Or am I just setting myself up for a lifetime of hurt from him?

Edited January 6, 2014 by Believe01

[dreamingoftigers]

ARG!

 

I am SO SORRY that you are pregnant and going through this!

ARG! I was eight months pregnant when I found out and same deal,

The sex life declined and then halted and a whole crop of emailing, sexsearch, porn on and on and on.

 

Not to mention a ZILLION BROKEN PROMISES.

Omigosh. So painful and ridiculous.

 

I don't know what exactly to tell you, but you are in for a very tough ride if you stày.

 

Unless he is actually GOING TO DO SERIOUS work on himself and not be in denial.

He will most likely need a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist and EMDR.

 

Sexual addiction is such a nasty attachment disorder.

Please feel free to read my threads from when I first came here onward.

 

Books:

Out of the Shadows

Facing the Shadow

Hope and Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners

*Your Sexually Addicted Spouse* <-------READ THIS ONE!!!!!!!

 

And for curiosity's sake, what his mother like/relationship with her?

[Believe01]

I'm afraid he doesn't know how to change. I don't see him going to a therapist...although he does recognize his problem. If he tries to fix it on his own...he will eventually fall back into the same patterns.

[somedude81]

I'm not sure if talking about this will help me or make me feel worse...so here goes.

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half or so. We both consider ourselves "freaky" in bed. We both have fetishes and fantasies. We also have a sort of cuckold relationship. He really enjoys watching me satisfied by other men. For those of you who dont understand fetishes, please dont focus on just this.

 

For about a month or two, our sex life has declined. He seems disinterested in sex with me...and for a while it was killing my self esteem. Oh, and I'm 5 months pregnant with his baby. I figured this may have something to do with the changes of my body.

 

I decided to try and investigate some more. I needed to know what the deal was. So I decided to look through his phone while he was sleeping. I found several emails in which he was replying to T4m ads on craigslist. I was aware that prior to his relationship with me, that he had engaged in this before. I understand his fetish with this, and I did accept it. I understood that he watched tgirl porn.

 

After seeing that he was trying to arrange meet ups, I figured this was crossing the line and betraying my trust. I presented him with the evidence. I thought he would focus on the fact that I looked at his phone, but he didn't even care. He felt bad for hurting me. We had several discussions about this and how we can proceed with our relationship. Although he had made several arrangements, it honestly didn't appear to me that he had not gone through with it. Additionally, he promised me he did not.

 

This morning I woke up early and went downstairs...to my surprise, he was on the couch jerking off. I was utterly disappointed because we had not had sex in 2 months.

 

Mind you, I do not get upset with the occassional jerk off, or porn viewing. But I do understand that he is an addict. He has escalated in the types of porn he watches. Years ago, he would have been disgusted by tgirl porn. Now it seems to be the only thing that he wants.

 

After plenty of research, I understand that tgirl porn does not make him gay. And he probably isn't even bi. We've discussed bringing in a male for both of us to play with, but a man does nothing for him.

 

He seems to be one of the few people that can disassociate sex and intimacy/love. This is because of his addiction, which has started to escalate to wanting to live out his fantasies...which is why he is trying to contact tgirls.

 

I do believe he knows its wrong because he has not gone through with it. He is devastated at how much he has hurt me.

 

I want this to work. I love him with all of my heart. Sex/porn addiction is similar to drug or alcohol addiction, and I would stick with him through that. I want to stick with him through this (as long as he doesn't cheat on me, and wants to change).

 

Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation? Is it possible for him to change/recover from this addiction? Or am I just setting myself up for a lifetime of hurt from him?

Wow there is so much more going on than him being a porn/sex addict!

[Believe01]

Yes there is. I agree. However I believe a lot of it stems from the sex addiction.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm afraid he doesn't know how to change. I don't see him going to a therapist...although he does recognize his problem. If he tries to fix it on his own...he will eventually fall back into the same patterns.

 

I'm sorry to sound so down about it.

 

But they may try (genuinely or ungenuinely) to fix it on their own but with every case I have heard of and come to know, it's a bigger problem than just stopping the action.

 

It's about attaching and relating which in and of itself cannot be fixed solo.

He will need professional help IMHO.

And yes, I've been through years of the "tried/lied/failed/lied/tried/lied again" cycle.

 

A lot of the addiction stems from being ynable to be completely open and honest with one's self thereby kneecapping that with ones partner.

 

I am a high-libido woman as well who likes varietal sex.

I have found that sexual addicts latch onto us as partners (or the exact opposite, the totally frigid woman) and we think "oh awesome, a man who is finally in sync with me!" And then when reality sets in with a "relationship" and "family" something gets really jammed up for them.

 

Sex with us becomes "anxiety" or "chore-like."

It's brutal for high-libido women to bed hooked into this.

 

Honestly, and I DO NOT say this lightly, if he is unwilling to go for outside couples and singular help, I honestly think that you should leave.

 

This will be the tip of the iceberg of he does not get some help. Seriously.

And it will be the toughest thing you ever do.

Go to any "spouses of sexual addicts" site and they all say the same thing "unless he's on board and you've got a polygraph or proof that he isn't playing you, RUN. He will suck the life out of you and you won't see it coming!"

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way: VERY important tip here.

 

Talking and talking about it to him only opens the doors for manipulation.

You need to decide what you will and won't take and be prepared to enforce your boundaries.

If you don't have boundaries, make them.

These guys don't listen to words when they are in active addiction. They may seem to but they don't. They just don't. The only thing that shakes them (if ANYTHING AT ALL DOES) is action.

 

DO NOT LET HIM GUILT YOU.