David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) I'm having a real problem here and since I never founds a similar thread on LS I thought I start one. My ex and I broke up(she dumped me) on 1 dec 2013, she told me that we are not made for each other and that my personality annoys her. I started NC on 11 dec. after a few failed attempts to get her back. She started to date her new boyfriend on 12 dec. a day after I initiated NC. The problem i'm facing is that she is a perfect 10, meaning she is hot, I on the other hand i'm an average 8. I've always thought that she is a little out of my league. The thing is my current ex helped me alot getting over my ex who dumped me in 2012( she was an 8 to), after 3 year relationship. The ex from 2012 broke up with me on 30 mar. 2012 and I started dating my curent ex in aug. 2012. I was very confident back then after I dated several girls that summer, that is what made her become atracted to me, back then she fell hard for me and she saw me as a 10 also because of my confidence. Now the problem is that I raised the bar so high that I'm not satisfied with less attractive girls. I met a girl that likes me very much but I don't find her that beautiful and attractive, all my friends say that she is beautiful ( she is a 9) but I'm not attracted to her My fear is that i have to find another perfect 10 to forget my ex. Please don't judge me too hard. Edited January 6, 2014 by David87
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I'm having a real problem here and since I never founds a similar thread on LS I thought I start one. My ex and I broke up(she dumped me) on 1 dec 2013, she told me that we are not made for each other and that my personality annoys her. I started NC on 11 dec. after a few failed attempts to get her back. She started to date her new boyfriend on 12 dec. a day after I initiated NC. The problem i'm facing is that she is a perfect 10, meaning she is hot, I on the other hand i'm an average 8. I've always thought that she is a little out of my league. The thing is my current ex helped me alot getting over my ex who dumped me in 2012( she was an 8 to), after 3 year relationship. The ex from 2012 broke up with me on 30 mar. 2012 and I started dating my curent ex in aug. 2012. I was very confident back then after I dated several girls that summer, that is what made her become atracted to me, back then she fell hard for me and she saw me as a 10 also because of my confidence. Now the problem is that I raised the bar so high that I'm not satisfied with less attractive girls. I met a girl that likes me very much but I don't find her that beautiful and attractive, all my friends say that she is beautiful ( she is a 9) but I'm not attracted to her Please don't judge me too hard. I don't judge you for not finding a particular woman attractive or not (each to their own), but the arbitrary ranking system that you're using means nothing to anyone but you. I'd suggest your first problem, is distilling a woman into a spectrum of 1 to 10. Stop that, see if things improve. 3
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 I don't judge you for not finding a particular woman attractive or not (each to their own), but the arbitrary ranking system that you're using means nothing to anyone but you. I'd suggest your first problem, is distilling a woman into a spectrum of 1 to 10. Stop that, see if things improve. Thanks for the advice, I used that to make it easier to explain.
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Thanks for the advice, I used that to make it easier to explain. Think about how you would feel if you were distilled in the same way. Of course, you need to be attracted to someone, but if you let looks be your barometer, you're not going to have much success. Physical attraction is fickle at best. You need to look for other qualities. I think this has less to you being hung up on how a girl looks, and more to do with the fact that you're simply not over your ex, so you find excuses to pick holes. 1
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Think about how you would feel if you were distilled in the same way. Of course, you need to be attracted to someone, but if you let looks be your barometer, you're not going to have much success. Physical attraction is fickle at best. You need to look for other qualities. I think this has less to you being hung up on how a girl looks, and more to do with the fact that you're simply not over your ex, so you find excuses to pick holes. Sadly I'm not over my ex, even though she hurt me very bad. NC helps alot.
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 David, i still believe that looks grow on a person and what our definition of what hot actually is. I am sure that you would find my ex not hot. But to me she was. I have had relationships with women of all shapes and sizes and i grew to love each ones looks. And probably the same for them. (Although i am fairly dazzling). The instant attraction was always there but the more you get to know someone the more their personality entwines with their looks. I think i am making sense. But yes i agree with Pick, stop ranking them. You will know when you meet `her`. Possibly because we were dumped we tend to see our ex`as something they really are not. 7
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 David, i still believe that looks grow on a person and what our definition of what hot actually is. I am sure that you would find my ex not hot. But to me she was. I have had relationships with women of all shapes and sizes and i grew to love each ones looks. And probably the same for them. (Although i am fairly dazzling). The instant attraction was always there but the more you get to know someone the more their personality entwines with their looks. I think i am making sense. But yes i agree with Pick, stop ranking them. You will know when you meet `her`. Possibly because we were dumped we tend to see our ex`as something they really are not. Haydn I totally agree with you, but since my first girlfriend till the last one they become more beautiful, and I don't think it's just me because all my friends say that. I think that I'm not ready to date yet, I have to wait until I get over my ex.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 When I met my fella I just thought he was alright looking but now I think he's totally hot!... personality etc pulls the picture together now Ive got to know him as a person it just makes him all the more attractive... x 2
legion113 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Haydn I totally agree with you, but since my first girlfriend till the last one they become more beautiful, and I don't think it's just me because all my friends say that. I think that I'm not ready to date yet, I have to wait until I get over my ex. I'm in the same boat, you can ask anyone, my inflatable dolls became more beautiful from the first to the last, why I remember looking at the back of the box of some of them and thinking...nah, that would be taking a step backwards. Even the sales clerk at the shop remarked to me at my last purchase "Wow you're getting picky! Look at this, lifelike hair and latex that feels like real skin!" I just told him to hurry up and put it in the discreet paper bag along with the.... I should probably avoid these forums at 4:30 in the am... 5
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 I'm in the same boat, you can ask anyone, my inflatable dolls became more beautiful from the first to the last, why I remember looking at the back of the box of some of them and thinking...nah, that would be taking a step backwards. Even the sales clerk at the shop remarked to me at my last purchase "Wow you're getting picky! Look at this, lifelike hair and latex that feels like real skin!" I just told him to hurry up and put it in the discreet paper bag along with the.... I should probably avoid these forums at 4:30 in the am... I could make fun of people to, but I chose not to.
radiodarcy Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Haydn I totally agree with you, but since my first girlfriend till the last one they become more beautiful, and I don't think it's just me because all my friends say that. I think that I'm not ready to date yet, I have to wait until I get over my ex. Someone posted a related thread here : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/452989-how-do-you-get-over-someone-physical-appearance Back when my now ex started pursuing me I didn't find him particularly attractive at all - - even though plenty of other women did. He just wasn't my type: he was bald, had a goatee and glasses. And none of those things appealed to me. But as I got to know him, the very things that I wasn't attracted to, became attractive. So much so that guys I was usually attracted to looked ordinary next to him. In short it was his personality that drew me to him and enhanced his looks. Not the other way around. That being said, per the bolded above, I think you answered your own question. Physical attraction is a small piece of a relationship. But it's also the first thing we see. So when we do try to date after a break up it's easy to dismiss someone purely on those terms, not because that person wouldn't make a good mate - - but because it's our heart's way of telling us we're not ready. So we protect ourselves by putting up this shield that rules people out on the basis of their looks; when in reality it has nothing to do with that person and they way they look, but more to the fact that it's about us: we're just not ready to date again. 1
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Radiodarcy thanks for reading my post, I saw the other thread but after I posted this one. I know that I have a problem, but I hope that soon it will pass.
barky2 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) Listen man, she's on a pedestal in your head. It's common since it's still recent. You WILL find someone. But stop looking for it. Not every girl you go on a first date with is a girl you're suppose to be with. Go out with them, have a good time, and have zero expectations. Slowly you'll start seeing your ex off that pedestal and a new girl you'll click with and slowly but surely you'll see a future with her. No rush dude. You're single, be single for awhile. Take your time, date a lot, just be single get your confidence back and put yourself on that pedestal. Some girl out there will think you're a 10...I guarantee it. Oh and just to ease your mind a little, I dated after My ex and I broke up, my ex came back and I chose the girl I was dating, I never thought it would turn into what it has, now we have a child on the way and I'm proposing on a cruise we are going on the end of this month. Better days are ahead, just keep fighting for them. Barky Edited January 6, 2014 by barky2 3
blombox Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I learned all of this the hard way to. I had the oposite. My girlfriend had the perfect personalliy, but could not stand her looks. You have no idea how long I thought about this subject. Ive spend years thinking about this and I still don't know everything. Some things I do know about looks and relationship: - attraction is not a choice. Seriously, anyone can say: give that person a chance, but you are actually robbing them of a normal relationship. If you cant appreciate them completely your doing damage. - attraction is necessary. If your not attracted, later in the marriage or relationship you will get big trouble. Either you want to have sex with a different person or you don't want to be with them anymore. - looks are important, but personality makes you stay. - don't believe wat people are saying thats 'looks fade and so they don't matter'. They do matter. Later in life when you are both changing and becoming ugly you will look at her and still see the good looking person she was when you met her. If you didn't like her to begin with, you wil only like her less later on in life. - try not to like only '10s'. The higher your standards are, the langer it will take till you are statisfied. Try to appreciate less good looking girls. And move from there. - you should be happy when you 1. Feel sexually attraction 2. Can look at her and be statisfied. She does not have to be perfect. Lets put it this wat: you are not in Total control of what you are attracted. But the things you do control, try to be happy with little. Or else your only disrupting you own happyness. 1
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Listen man, she's on a pedestal in your head. It's common since it's still recent. You WILL find someone. But stop looking for it. Not every girl you go on a first date with is a girl you're suppose to be with. Go out with them, have a good time, and have zero expectations. Slowly you'll start seeing your ex off that pedestal and a new girl you'll click with and slowly but surely you'll see a future with her. No rush dude. You're single, be single for awhile. Take your time, date a lot, just be single get your confidence back and put yourself on that pedestal. Some girl out there will think you're a 10...I guarantee it. Oh and just to ease your mind a little, I dated after My ex and I broke up, my ex came back and I chose the girl I was dating, I never thought it would turn into what it has, now we have a child on the way and I'm proposing on a cruise we are going on the end of this month. Better days are ahead, just keep fighting for them. Barky Thanks for the kind words Barky, I'm glad to hear that you are going to be a father and that you are going to propose to your girl. You know what hurts the most? and I know this is stupid, I never got even a small breadcrumb, no hi, how are u, nothing, complete silence, like I meant nothing to this person.
barky2 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Be thankful you haven't. In a way you should be thanking her. Barky
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) Be thankful you haven't. In a way you should be thanking her. Barky I know, you're right. It hurts because for the last month Ive been thinking about her probably 1 mil times per day, and I try not to, and she never thought about me once, but thats life I guess. Edited January 6, 2014 by David87
fixing Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Look up Anthony Robbins the American life coach. He really helped out Jack Black in Shallow Hal to see that real beauty is on the inside 1
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 David, legion was trying to make you laugh a bit. (But he does have a super line in blow up dolls but i dont want to borrow them) Back to the point, you are going to meet a lovely girl soon and you know and feel it straight away. Your a cool guy. Take care friend. I could make fun of people to, but I chose not to. 2
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Haydn you really helped me alot , thanks friend.
legion113 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Haydn you really helped me alot , thanks friend. Yeah, I didn't mean to put him down, I just think it can get too depressing in these forums sometimes. Laughter can sometimes help with that, sometimes it's the only laugh people have the entire day. Just trying to remind people that they will laugh again someday. Sorry if you took offense 2
Author David87 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Yeah, I didn't mean to put him down, I just think it can get too depressing in these forums sometimes. Laughter can sometimes help with that, sometimes it's the only laugh people have the entire day. Just trying to remind people that they will laugh again someday. Sorry if you took offense No harm done Legion113, it's ok.
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