Spark1111 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Yes, I agree with all of this. My issue with her post is she gave advice to BS's in general and this is just not true. Traveling down "the road" toward reconciliation does not always (in fact its likely a rare occurrence) "brings reward at the end of the journey beyond one's wildest imaginings with your WS". None of you taking exception with my response to this actually believes that I'm wrong on this point so what are you objecting to? So it worked for her but the journey alone is not likely to resolve the BS's feelings about their WS's cheating. It's what you do along that journey that will determine the ending. Ah! On this we agree! TIME DOES NOT heal all wounds. It is what we do with that TIME that matters most. 1
violet1 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) Another cheater weighs in. Thanks for the perspective of someone who has no idea what d-day feels like. Comparing the trauma of your mother being murdered - unbelievably horrific - to the trauma caused by the betrayal of a WS is comparing apples to spinach. The analogies are not equivalent so the reactions cannot be evaluated in the same context. Plus, your value judgement of how a murder victims family members should react are only your opinions and not a factual finding of what "normal" is. If the husband of a murder victim finds a way to kill the person who did it, does that make him wrong? Just because some judge/jury is going to put him in prison has no bearing on the husbands values. Your judgement on this reflects who you are but it doesn't mean that opinion applies to others. And your admiration for a BS who "keeps his or her cool and takes the high road" is callously patronizing and I find it insulting. Who are you - a cheater - to pass judgement on the reaction of a BS? Ha! Actually I have been cheated on. I was cheated on by my H way before I ever cheated. I still stand by my opinion. On my d day, I did keep my cool as hard as it was. I have the right to my opinion just like you do. My apologies if I insulted you, but I still stick to what I believe in. I'm sorry, but I don't believe being in pain gives you a right to go on a rampage. I certainly didn't do that when I had my D Day and I watched my H get into the car of his OW. I could have caused a big scene, but what would have been the point of that? I already stated that I understand why people behave a certain way, but it doesn't mean that I have to agree with it. Just because my opinion doesn't align with yours, it doesn't give you the right to judge and attack me especially when you know nothing about my life or experiences. Isn't the point of a forum is to learn and grow from different perspectives?? Edited January 9, 2014 by violet1
ThatMan Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) violet1, Your opinion is not above reproach and discussion. I think that you've brought up some perfectly valid points to consider. Nobody is obligated to agree with the behavior of other people. I also believe that violence is never acceptable and I'm sure many agree. But drifter777 offers another valid point. You shouldn't compare pain. Not only is it mean-spirited in it's own way, but other people are always going to feel differently towards similar events. How you felt during the discovery of an affair is going to be very different than how countless people felt during their own discoveries. Each person is unique, individually subjective, and you just cannot plan for that. How people interact and judge each other is part of the problem and discussion at hand. Some might see acting out as being pointless and ask themselves why a spouse would do that. An adulterer might not fathom the reasons why a betrayed spouse caused a scene. To the adulterer, he might believe his spouse's pain is silly, and dismiss her reaction of the affair as being unnecessary. This example seems to resonate with your idea that just because you have more mileage that you understand what constitutes pain and how people should handle it. I'm starting to better understand why you admire betrayed spouse who kept her cool. It wouldn't be so insulting if you didn't have this almost pompous air of superiority in presuming how people should respond to their own trauma. It isn't how people react that's admirable to me. The stories of overcoming adversity are something that I truly admire. The hard work that many people choose to invest in themselves is a conscious decision worthy of respect. Edited January 9, 2014 by ThatMan phone... 5
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