How A BS acts after D-Day.

[Furious]

Whatever. I know what I mean. I was very raw with my husband. I did not cry daintly into a handkercheif. Now if a BS finds out about the A in front of her kids of course it is a different story. But most people do not find out that way. I didn't my kids weren't around.

 

But screaming until they cried? They had no understanding of what daddy did or mommy's raw emotions. And I was not protecting then by choosing to let angry rule me. And. That. Was. Wrong. And I regret. And I own it. And thankfully I stopped. But I don't want a free pass on it or to be coddled because I am a

Grown woman who can take responsibilites for my own problems and deeper issues that I have since learned to deal with.

 

Well done....and I applaud your effort to regain your composure as the vast majority of betrayed spouses also do so.

 

I sure no one here wishes to be coddled or endorses violence or the extreme actions you repeatedly mentioned.

 

Sure enough, being a betrayed spouse does not give one a free pass, but that's not what this thread is about.

 

Perhaps you turned the corner in re-establishing your good character in quick order after your d-day and see yourself as a positive example.

[krazikat]

I'm sorry but no, screaming and yelling obsenities is not going to keep your kids from cheating. And it is purely hypothetical that not rugsweeping would have saved you from bein betrayed. There are people who saw a parent wounded by an affair who have went on to have one. There are people who have been wounded themselves by an affair who have in a future relationship cheated as well. If we all learned by others mistakes the world would be a far better place than it is.

 

So many people seem bent on making this about showing pain or raw emotion. When I was specifically talking about harmful or immoral actions. And I get tired of how many people call things "rugsweeping" merely because names weren't called and an ad wasn't taken out in the paper.

 

I know screaming at my huband with my 3yr old present was not right.

 

Who said anything about doing all of that? Why are some posters assuming one has to scream, cuss, name call, etc. in order to inform children? Seriously this is being blown out of proportion.

 

Children can't be told in am appropriate and age appropriate way.

[HtotheN]

 

that being said, i find it amazing that someone who lies, cheats, and f's around on the sly with someone who is, afterall married, would judge my integrity after i discovered that fact.

 

That's rich. Thanks for the chuckle sweat pea.

 

amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Fluttershy]

Who said anything about doing all of that? Why are some posters assuming one has to scream, cuss, name call, etc. in order to inform children? Seriously this is being blown out of proportion.

 

Children can't be told in am appropriate and age appropriate way.

 

This thread is about a BS behaviour and a reflection of their character. Some thing i isn't at all. They give the BS a free pass and dismiss the fact that there are BS who do show deep issues that need to be workd on and therefore is a reflection of part of their character. Extremes are used as an example and revelant to the topic. My reply on the other thread was sparked by a fWS saying what her H did DDay. And the other thread was about children and how they are told. Therefore my comment that was easily confused prompted this thread. I've tried to clarify but instead of merely disagreeing I have been told I am judgemental and insensitive for it. Makes you wonder why it is so hard for people to Acknowledge any poor behaviour without justifying it away. Perhaps we should all teach are kids it is okay what your actions are if younare hurt... Because you were hurt and devestated.

 

Nobody likes to think what they did was wrong and all on them and oerhaps part of a flaw they have. While it is glaringly obvious in the majority of cheaters it can also be present in the BSz

 

The thing is, if you feel the betrayed can do no wrong, ever. Or at least doesn't need to be accountable to themselves for it because it comes from a place of pain then... Why does it bother people if someone else thinks that certain extreme behaviours are a reflection on the person acting that way?

[Fluttershy]

I want to say something on the effect of hearing an affair being confessed...

 

My first thought, or second, or even for a long time wasn't "I am glad he was honest and came clean." I Was compeltely blindsided as I didn't even know anything was wrong. It wasn't somethin that came after many suspiceons. It didn't require any investigions beforehind. I was no prepared. I am thankful now je confessed and it is how we were able to rebuild our life together so uch easier. But at the time. Being thankful for a confession was the last thing on mind. I was as devestated that day as the next person.

[krazikat]

This thread is about a BS behaviour and a reflection of their character. Some thing i isn't at all. They give the BS a free pass and dismiss the fact that there are BS who do show deep issues that need to be workd on and therefore is a reflection of part of their character. Extremes are used as an example and revelant to the topic. My reply on the other thread was sparked by a fWS saying what her H did DDay. And the other thread was about children and how they are told. Therefore my comment that was easily confused prompted this thread. I've tried to clarify but instead of merely disagreeing I have been told I am judgemental and insensitive for it. Makes you wonder why it is so hard for people to Acknowledge any poor behaviour without justifying it away. Perhaps we should all teach are kids it is okay what your actions are if younare hurt... Because you were hurt and devestated.

 

Nobody likes to think what they did was wrong and all on them and oerhaps part of a flaw they have. While it is glaringly obvious in the majority of cheaters it can also be present in the BSz

 

The thing is, if you feel the betrayed can do no wrong, ever. Or at least doesn't need to be accountable to themselves for it because it comes from a place of pain then... Why does it bother people if someone else thinks that certain extreme behaviours are a reflection on the person acting that way?

 

I do know what the thread is about. My comment was specifically responding to the comments that seemed to indicate that kids being told amounted to bad BS behavior of screaming, cursing, bad mouthing, etc.

 

You have, in many replies here, indicated that people are giving BS free pass to even heinous behaviors that no one has excuses, such as murder or serious harm.

 

You seem to have taken this to the extreme, and are saying things that seem insensitive and/judgmental.

 

Making a blanket statement that dday behavior shows a person's true character comes across as ignorant.

[experiencethedevine]

I am going to further shock you by saying that I honestly don't regret anything I did or said after d-day EXCEPT for not leaving the marriage immediately. Maybe the OW wouldn't have stalked me and my children if I had left sooner. She really hurt my children.

 

 

 

I am personally with you here yellowmaverick, having suffered the reality of a vengeful other woman who set out to persecute me and our children after her monumental efforts to steal my husband failed.

 

 

I regret absolutely nothing I did or said at dday and afterward. Nothing.

 

 

The only reason that I probably didn't scream and shout at my husband when I found that text message is because I was in a state of profound shock.

 

 

After that shock had worn off it was replaced by a fierce anger I had no idea I was capable of, and a burning desire to make my husband a eunuch!

[drifter777]

...The thing is, if you feel the betrayed can do no wrong, ever. Or at least doesn't need to be accountable to themselves for it because it comes from a place of pain then... Why does it bother people if someone else thinks that certain extreme behaviours are a reflection on the person acting that way?

Not one person on this thread has said anything like this. You take your argument to this extreme to make your point. Ok, if a BH cuts his WW's head off after d-day it is probably a bad thing to do. Now that we have that out of the way, your original point was how a BS reacts on/after d-day is a reflection of their character. This statement - this line of thinking - ignores the shock, pain, and anger of a trauma as horrible as infidelity. And very few posters on this thread think that your point is even rational. To many of us it is simplistic and just plain callus. I wouldn't think anyone who has been through d-day as a BS, like you have, could think for a moment that what they did or said in the wake of this discovery revealed their true character. It has nothing to do with giving anyone a pass.

[waterwoman]

My behaviour is always to put other people first, to keep my negative emotions buttoned down as much as possible, not to offend. Because that is the way I was brought up. So I was quite calm on dday, I didn't swear shout or hit anyone. H said I dealt with it very well. Thing is I didn't. Because my behaviour might be buttoned down, doesn't mean my character is - all that poison and rage came bubbling out in nasty little dribs and drabs over the following months. I sometimes wish I could have had a big blow out at first, screamed, hit him, threw things, kicked him out.....and then maybe I would have avoided some of the follow up. Maybe not but being 'good' isn't always the best thing.

[Spark1111]

I think you are making good points that no one is disagreeing with....It IS the vehemence in which you assert that continued reactions after DDay is a sign that work needs to be done.

 

No one is disagreeing with that. Most here espouse EVERYBODY goes to counseling after DDAY to cope in a healthier manner.

 

Why would a father wake up his children to tell them mommy had an affair?

 

Shock, anger, rage, revenge. Pick one or all. Was it prudent to do so? Of course not.

 

But keep reading....Far, far worse has happened after affairs, during divorce.

 

I try to understand that pain. I try not to judge it. I've been unhinged...been there.

 

If the worst thing you did post DDAY was to yell and scream and frighten your toddlers you are way ahead of the game.

 

Did you and your spouse attend counseling?

 

Because you seem very hard and judge mental of YOURSELF and I think what posters are reacting to is that very same judgement is trickling into your posts and making you appear somewhat callous to the pain of others.

[Spark1111]

PS: If I have forgiven him....and nut job her....then I must forgive myself too.

 

And I do.

 

I did the best I COULD with what I HAD, and that's the bottom line.

[Owl]

Well done....and I applaud your effort to regain your composure as the vast majority of betrayed spouses also do so.

 

I sure no one here wishes to be coddled or endorses violence or the extreme actions you repeatedly mentioned.

 

Sure enough, being a betrayed spouse does not give one a free pass, but that's not what this thread is about.

 

Perhaps you turned the corner in re-establishing your good character in quick order after your d-day and see yourself as a positive example.

 

This is rather key.

 

The original post and title of this thread was a judgement...that how a BS reacts on d-day in some fashion defined what their 'character' was.

 

In other words...how they dealth with extreme emotional distress and trauma that typically hits them out of the blue, with little or no warning...that reaction demonstrates what their values, morals, and 'character' truly are.

 

And as someone else pointed out...how they've lived the rest of their lives is somehow negated by this???

 

That, Fluttershy, is why people are reacting so strongly to your proclamation here.

 

I think that we can all agree that waking up young children in the middle of the night screaming "MOMMY CHEATED" is an extreme action, and not one that most folks...even most of the BS's here...would consider normal, typical, or the best possible response on d-day.

 

However...it is easy for many of us to understand why someone might react that way, even if we don't feel it was the "right" response, or even an appropriate one.

 

That doesn't mean that this action or response was a true indicator of that person's character, morals, values. That is what I'm saying, at least. In fact, I think that viewing how someone acts in massively unbalancing situations, where deep emotional trauma occurs, something that they've never dealt with before....probably is NOT indicative of their 'character'.

 

Now come back and tell me how I've completely misunderstood your post...but please...be very specific so that I understand clearly what you really did intend.

[confusedandhurt2002]

You know what...what pised me off after I found out was how it was how everyone looked at me like I was a freak for getting angry. The first thing the counselor did was hand me a paper that was about anger management.I almost hit him. :p He also isn't our counselor anymore.

 

Funny how some ws and ow/om feel that they can excuse their actions with " we never meant for this to happen" or " you can't help who you fall in love with, and the heart wants what it wants" or even " I couldn't control myself no matter how hard I tried". They can't be expected to mIntain nc, and have this ravenous need for "closure". If they can't stop contact after it has been expressly stated that it is not welcome, they excuse this by saying " but I am in love" .

 

Poor behavior is excused by "he/ she lied to me, "future faked" or something else.

 

Maybe these are legitimate excuses, I don't know. I do know that I would like to see om/ow and ws extended the sane courtesy and understanding to the bs that they feel entitled to for themselves.

 

These same people then feel qualified to sit in judgement of how a bs acts once d day happens. They are expected to be calm and rAtional, never raise their voice, hell, scream and fight for their spouse. Basically, they are in a no win position. If they put up a fight, they are being a b@tch or a jerk and not letting the person go to be with their "soul mate", while if they are calm, that means they are a cold fish who never really loved the ws.

 

 

Damned if you do and damned if you don't

[peaksandvalleys]

I have found this thread really interesting. I laughed a lot at what a BS should do or behave.

[ladydesigner]

I don't know, I took Dday like someone had just raped my kids. It was very traumatic and I acted out like described. I raged bigtime. I have since gotten help and my WH has stayed with me as well. I regret it somewhat. I definitely got a point across that what was done to me was NOT OKAY. I have never experienced the blind rages I felt like I did after Dday and after false r. What I realize now is that I should have left, that would have made the biggest statement.

[katielee]

What I realize now is that I should have left, that would have made the biggest statement.

 

any BS reading this - take note! What I wish I would have done, even for a while.

[drifter777]

I don't know, I took Dday like someone had just raped my kids. It was very traumatic and I acted out like described. I raged bigtime. I have since gotten help and my WH has stayed with me as well. I regret it somewhat. I definitely got a point across that what was done to me was NOT OKAY. I have never experienced the blind rages I felt like I did after Dday and after false r. What I realize now is that I should have left, that would have made the biggest statement.

any BS reading this - take note! What I wish I would have done, even for a while.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! I don't blame any BS for trying to reconcile because I understand all-too-well the stunned, bewildered state they are in when they make that decision. Plus, they desperately want everything to return to "normal" and are completely vulnerable to their WS's remorse, promises, and plea's to try again. Many are also in denial and want to believe that "we can handle this - it will get better over time".

 

I'm sure reconciliation works - to varying degrees - for many BS's. But many of them now feel it was a mistake to reconcile with someone who would betray them so horribly. I'm firmly in this camp.

 

I have nothing but admiration for those BS's who just end the marriage on or shortly after d-day. They are making a statement that says "I did not deserve to be treated this way and I'm not going to waste any more of my life with someone who could do this to me".

[experiencethedevine]

I don't know, I took Dday like someone had just raped my kids. It was very traumatic and I acted out like described. I raged bigtime. I have since gotten help and my WH has stayed with me as well. I regret it somewhat. I definitely got a point across that what was done to me was NOT OKAY. I have never experienced the blind rages I felt like I did after Dday and after false r. What I realize now is that I should have left, that would have made the biggest statement.

 

 

You know, I think there is probably a point, if we are all blatantly honest, when we all feel like this........................

[Owl]

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! I don't blame any BS for trying to reconcile because I understand all-too-well the stunned, bewildered state they are in when they make that decision. Plus, they desperately want everything to return to "normal" and are completely vulnerable to their WS's remorse, promises, and plea's to try again. Many are also in denial and want to believe that "we can handle this - it will get better over time".

 

I'm sure reconciliation works - to varying degrees - for many BS's. But many of them now feel it was a mistake to reconcile with someone who would betray them so horribly. I'm firmly in this camp.

 

I have nothing but admiration for those BS's who just end the marriage on or shortly after d-day. They are making a statement that says "I did not deserve to be treated this way and I'm not going to waste any more of my life with someone who could do this to me".

 

I have nothing but respect for both.

 

Those that do successfully reconcile and are happy with how that turned out (as happened in my situation), and those that choose to walk away and end it and are happy with how it turned out.

 

That's what matters at the end of the day. A solution that works for the impacted parties.

 

No one else has the right to say a single negative thing either way.

 

And there's no way to tell anything about where that's gonna go on d-day, regardless as to whether or not anyone thinks the BS acts appropriately or not, or with good or poor character at that point.

[experiencethedevine]

I have nothing but respect for both.

 

Those that do successfully reconcile and are happy with how that turned out (as happened in my situation), and those that choose to walk away and end it and are happy with how it turned out.

 

That's what matters at the end of the day. A solution that works for the impacted parties.

 

No one else has the right to say a single negative thing either way.

 

And there's no way to tell anything about where that's gonna go on d-day, regardless as to whether or not anyone thinks the BS acts appropriately or not, or with good or poor character at that point.

 

 

 

 

Like you Owl, despite having experienced a period where I considered I should have left, I am still with my husband 16 years later, and very happy that I made the final decision to stay.

 

 

The road on which a BS travels is tumultuous and fraught with a myriad of choices to make and paths to take, but it is a road, if one is prepared to travel it alongside the wayward, that brings reward at the end of the journey beyond one's wildest imaginings.

[drifter777]

...

The road on which a BS travels is tumultuous and fraught with a myriad of choices to make and paths to take, but it is a road, if one is prepared to travel it alongside the wayward, that brings reward at the end of the journey beyond one's wildest imaginings.

Wow. I haven't read a post from you with such a sweeping generalization. You don't really believe this do you? That just traveling the road with your WS will make everything ok in the end? In fact - no, there isn't always a reward at the end of the reconciliation journey.

[Spark1111]

Wow. I haven't read a post from you with such a sweeping generalization. You don't really believe this do you? That just traveling the road with your WS will make everything ok in the end? In fact - no, there isn't always a reward at the end of the reconciliation journey.

 

But it is an individual journey, one in which we alone are responsible for the outcome.

 

Some divorced and are happy for it. Some divorced and wished they had given it more time.

 

Some stayed and are not happy about it. Some stayed and are very happy.

 

like Owl said, whatever the outcome, if it was a solution for the impacted parties, then it was successful.

 

If it wasn't, back to the drawing board, the counselors, the goal of solving.

 

We are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

[Spark1111]

Like you Owl, despite having experienced a period where I considered I should have left, I am still with my husband 16 years later, and very happy that I made the final decision to stay.

 

 

The road on which a BS travels is tumultuous and fraught with a myriad of choices to make and paths to take, but it is a road, if one is prepared to travel it alongside the wayward, that brings reward at the end of the journey beyond one's wildest imaginings.

 

She IS HAPPY with her choice! it worked out for her.

 

So what?

[Owl]

But it is an individual journey, one in which we alone are responsible for the outcome.

 

Some divorced and are happy for it. Some divorced and wished they had given it more time.

 

Some stayed and are not happy about it. Some stayed and are very happy.

 

like Owl said, whatever the outcome, if it was a solution for the impacted parties, then it was successful.

 

If it wasn't, back to the drawing board, the counselors, the goal of solving.

 

We are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

 

Exactly...if the result is a solution that everyone is happy with, that's all that matters. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Nor should it matter to anyone else what that actual solution was...divorce, reconciliation, or whatever.

 

No one else has a leg to stand on in judging whether or not that choice was "right" or not on behalf of someone else.

[drifter777]

But it is an individual journey, one in which we alone are responsible for the outcome.

 

Some divorced and are happy for it. Some divorced and wished they had given it more time.

 

Some stayed and are not happy about it. Some stayed and are very happy.

 

like Owl said, whatever the outcome, if it was a solution for the impacted parties, then it was successful.

 

If it wasn't, back to the drawing board, the counselors, the goal of solving.

 

We are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

Yes, I agree with all of this. My issue with her post is she gave advice to BS's in general and this is just not true. Traveling down "the road" toward reconciliation does not always (in fact its likely a rare occurrence) "brings reward at the end of the journey beyond one's wildest imaginings with your WS". None of you taking exception with my response to this actually believes that I'm wrong on this point so what are you objecting to?

 

She IS HAPPY with her choice! it worked out for her.

 

So what?

So it worked for her but the journey alone is not likely to resolve the BS's feelings about their WS's cheating. It's what you do along that journey that will determine the ending.