How A BS acts after D-Day.

[Spark1111]

And I guess you are one of the saints you refer to - congrats.

 

Do you condemn those BS's that are not able to live up to your example? Do you think that outward demonstrations of the rage you felt that go beyond venting to close friends is "bad"? Do you judge those BS's this harshly?

 

Pride? Look, you reacted how you reacted. I hope it works for you in the long run and you are able to maintain the self-respect you feel you displayed by stifling your emotional reactions. I hope that it doesn't turn into shame and regret that you ate the sh*t-sandwitch of betrayal and asked for seconds.

 

Drifter.....I stifled NOTHING except when around my children. I did not want to be responsible for damaging their relationship with the only father they would ever have.

 

Otherwise, I went bat shyte crazy for a good long while.

 

I am proud to be in the 50% who have never cheated and caused untold emotional devastation.

 

You should be too.

[Fluttershy]

Drifter.....I stifled NOTHING except when around my children. I did not want to be responsible for damaging their relationship with the only father they would ever have.

 

Otherwise, I went bat shyte crazy for a good long while.

 

I am proud to be in the 50% who have never cheated and caused untold emotional devastation.

 

You should be too.

 

We all screw up. Of course. But you should be proud that you have never cheated. And you should be proud that even uder diress you put your children first. Not all BS can say that and they would do well to acknowledge their mistakes instead of denying any wrong doing. And of course no WS can say they put their children before themselves when they embarked on an affair.

[Owl]

I'm going to be pretty point blank here.

 

No one "gets a free pass". If a BS does something illegal as a result of d-day...they're subject to the same outcomes as someone who took those illegal actions for other reasons.

 

What other kind of "free pass" are you referring to, OP? That others don't morally condemn the BS that does that action?

 

Perhaps you might consider if you're confusing compassion and empathy with a "free pass"?

 

I don't think anyone is given a "free pass"...what I think you're confusing is that people don't always condemn someone if they can feel empathy and/or compassion for the pain that this person was acting under.

 

What, SPECIFIC, action are you referring to that you think someone got a "free pass" for, that they shouldn't have???

[rumbleseat]

For a bs, keeping all their hurt and rage locked inside can also be very unhealthy, and can lead to them blowing up in a much more serious way than they ever would have otherwise.

 

I'm like that. I tend to appear calm and collected, but inside, I am a mess. This had led to physical health issues and stress related illnesses.

 

I was quite proud of myself for being so calm when I found out about that my h had been having an affair. My h was grateful that I didn't really blow up and him or lash out.

 

The mc we saw was much less impressed, and told us that I needed to let out the anger and I a needed to tell my h what I thought of him. She even went as far as to tell me to take my anger out physically on him by hitting him with a cushion. That felt great! If I had just kept it all inside, I think I would have either died a bit inside or lashed out in a much more serious way.

 

I don't think that anyone on here is excusing murder, manslaughter or assault. I don't think they are advocating anything illegal. My opinion is that anything else is okay, when it comes to confronting the ws or om/ow. When it comes to the kids, honesty, told in a calm and clear fashion, is best,so long as they are old enough to deal with it. Younger kids probably don't need that information.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think that anyone on here is excusing murder, manslaughter or assault. I don't think they are advocating anything illegal. My opinion is that anything else is okay, when it comes to confronting the ws or om/ow. When it comes to the kids, honesty, told in a calm and clear fashion, is best,so long as they are old enough to deal with it. Younger kids probably don't need that information.

You are correct...Of course nobody is excusing the extreme! Not one person! If a BS, WS or OW/OM does something illegal that's obviously wrong and the cops/law need get involved.

 

This thread was a good read but some are taking it to an extreme level.

[Snowflower]

For those that cannot read

 

I... Was... A... Betrayed... Spouse

 

There is no point in any further discussion because some people will always give a free pass to s BS no matter their actions.

 

So let them BS beat their WS to a pulp, murder, drag their children out of bed, and everything else under the sun and then say "It isn't s character flaw they were just hurting/traumatized" All the while ignoring the fact that most BS, even when blimdsided, do not commit crimes. God, evrn when you think you made yourself clear your words get twisted.

 

Cheating, even in a sexless marriage, is 100% on the WS. They chose to go against their morals (if they had any) lie to themselves, and justify actions that will eventually (if not immediently) hurt the person they are supposed to love and cherish. Even if the BS had ignored them or what not. And their behaviour is a reflection of their character.

 

Stabbing your WS are beating them is 100% wrong and a reflection of a part

Of who you are. Continuing doing so after the initial blow is even more a reflection of who you are and what you think is okay "if someone hurts me enough..." but just as your WS didn't have themselves forced into someone elses arms, neither did the WS force you to repeatdly slam your fist in their face.

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong but there was not a single poster on this thread that advocates violence is okay by the bs after d-day.

 

What I think a lot of posters have a problem with is this idea that the bs is not allowed to make any mistakes in their handling of d-day. No missteps are allowed by the bs? Tell me then please fluttershy, when you look back on your d-day, you are able to look at your reactions and not wish you had done anything differently? In other words, your actions were perfect in the face of a horrible situation that was thrust upon you? If so, I am truly envious of your composure because I was way too nice after d-day and begged my H to stop talking to her.

 

I now wish I had handled it differently, of course but I suppose my weak actions shows my true character.

[Snowflower]

No do not feel superior, just here for your information and advice, if you listened it might actually help you instead of trying to belittle.

 

Sorry I am confused whom you are aiming at. The first bit me and then who?

 

I think Spark1111 was referencing your post about when, the bs in your situation found and stomped on the cell phone, you simply gave her H another phone. And then proceeded to laugh (hehe) about your cleverness.

 

As a bs whose OW did exactly as you describe with giving her H a cell phone, the 'hehe' was not very funny. That's all.

[Spark1111]

I'm going to be pretty point blank here.

 

No one "gets a free pass". If a BS does something illegal as a result of d-day...they're subject to the same outcomes as someone who took those illegal actions for other reasons.

 

What other kind of "free pass" are you referring to, OP? That others don't morally condemn the BS that does that action?

 

Perhaps you might consider if you're confusing compassion and empathy with a "free pass"?

 

I don't think anyone is given a "free pass"...what I think you're confusing is that people don't always condemn someone if they can feel empathy and/or compassion for the pain that this person was acting under.

 

What, SPECIFIC, action are you referring to that you think someone got a "free pass" for, that they shouldn't have???

 

I believe this thread was started as to not hijack a thread that questioned a BS allegedly involving the children after DDAY in a way many thought was unhealthy for the children.....if TRUE as reported to the OW by her MM.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are correct...Of course nobody is excusing the extreme! Not one person! If a BS, WS or OW/OM does something illegal that's obviously wrong and the cops/law need get involved.

 

This thread was a good read but some are taking it to an extreme level.

 

He can sue me for the damage to his blackberry if he wants.

 

He can deduct the settlement from the 3K he still owes me.

[Fluttershy]

This thread was specifically about my comment which was specifically about extreme behaviour such as dragging under aged children out of their bed to say "mommy cheated". And that I do see that as a reflection of something in the BS character that needs to be examined. I tried to clarify what I mean and that I was talking about emotional responses and so forth but extreme behaviours that are at times exhibited by a BS. Because they are human and have faults. And just because they were betrayed doesn't mean theirfaults no longer matter. They can learn a lot about themselves, if they are willing, by being honest.

 

I f'd up badly when I found out. But not in any over the top way. But through it all I learned I was severely co-dependant and had lost myself in being a wife and mother. Things that had nothing to do with the affair but were exposed by finding out. I had it easier than most because I found out by confession after te A was over. And I have only my own personal feelings to draw from. I have small children and I did say some things in front of them that I apologized for because it was wrong, very wrong of me to do so. I learned that my coping skills needed some work because I have never really had to cope with anything. Never dumped, no close deaths, no unexpected difficulties. I had no idea how to react. But after the first time I screamer at him in front of my two toddlers and they cried I realized I needed to get a hold of myself. So I gess my point really is and why I said "after" that behaviour (should have said continued) is a testament to the BS character. My character was severely tested. I'm not proud of everything. I would love to encourage those who want to fight dirty to get honest with themselves on why they are willing to lower their standards and to fight the urge. I just find that on here anything that smacks of questioning the BS is seen as insensitive and then you get labeled a cheater. I am not.

Edited January 8, 2014 by Fluttershy

[yellowmaverick]

This thread was specifically about my comment which was specifically about extreme behaviour such as dragging under aged children out of their bed to say "mommy cheated". And that I do see that as a reflection of something in the BS character that needs to be examined. I tried to clarify what I mean and that I was talking about emotional responses and so forth but extreme behaviours that are at times exhibited by a BS. Because they are human and have faults. And just because they were betrayed doesn't mean theirfaults no longer matter. They can learn a lot about themselves, if they are willing, by being honest.

 

I f'd up badly when I found out. But not in any over the top way. But through it all I learned I was severely co-dependant and had lost myself in being a wife and mother. Things that had nothing to do with the affair but were exposed by finding out. I had it easier than most because I found out by confession after te A was over. And I have only my own personal feelings to draw from. I have small children and I did say some things in front of them that I apologized for because it was wrong, very wrong of me to do so. I learned that my coping skills needed some work because I have never really had to cope with anything. Never dumped, no close deaths, no unexpected difficulties. I had no idea how to react. But after the first time I screamer at him in front of my two toddlers and they cried I realized I needed to get a hold of myself. So I gess my point really is and why I said "after" that behaviour (should have said continued) is a testament to the BS character. My character was severely tested. I'm not proud of everything. I would love to encourage those who want to fight dirty to get honest with themselves on why they are willing to lower their standards and to fight the urge. I just find that on here anything that smacks of questioning the BS is seen as insensitive and then you get labeled a cheater. I am not.

 

Here's another perspective for you.

 

My STBXWH's father cheated on his mother - twice that the family knows about. His mother allowed her husband to rugsweep - they simply did not talk about it, ever. She hid her pain from her adult children and pretended that she was "over it".

 

Twenty years later, her son cheats on me. He was SHOCKED that I was so hurt. Since his mother showed no anger and no tears, that was the "normal" reaction for him. Yes, he considered the possibility that I would discover his affair. However, in his mind, I would just "get over it" because that was his experience through watching his parents. His exposure to affairs was that "they happen" and are "no big deal".

 

It is my belief that my MIL's rugsweeping of her husband's affairs led, in part, to my H's cavalier attitude about affairs. Had his mother shown her pain and been honest with her children, she may have prevented my H's cheating. At the minimum, he would have been prepared for the fallout.

 

After d-day, I did not hide my tears, anger, or disgust from my children (who were all teens at the time). My children all learned of his affair because his mistress stalked us. I pulled my children aside and talked with each of them. I told them not to hate their father (because they were pretty disgusted with him at that point), but to hate what he did. I told them about their grandfather's infidelity (and his father before him) and told them that the cheating stops at this generation. MY children were not going to be cheaters - I was raising them to be honest, moral people. I was completely honest about the hurt that infidelity brings. I would never want my children to be BSs, but even moreso, I would never want them to be a party to an affair. I hope that sharing the reality of an affair helps them to make better decisions than their father, grandfather, and great-grandfather did.

 

BTW, when I talked with my MIL after d-day, she said that she never worked throught the hurt because she just rugswept and that she should have shared her hurt with her children.

[Fluttershy]

I'm sorry but no, screaming and yelling obsenities is not going to keep your kids from cheating. And it is purely hypothetical that not rugsweeping would have saved you from bein betrayed. There are people who saw a parent wounded by an affair who have went on to have one. There are people who have been wounded themselves by an affair who have in a future relationship cheated as well. If we all learned by others mistakes the world would be a far better place than it is.

 

So many people seem bent on making this about showing pain or raw emotion. When I was specifically talking about harmful or immoral actions. And I get tired of how many people call things "rugsweeping" merely because names weren't called and an ad wasn't taken out in the paper.

 

I know screaming at my huband with my 3yr old present was not right.

[Snowflower]

Yellowmaverick didn't say anything about a BS screaming or yelling obscenities. She (like me) wanted to try to reduce the chance of her children repeating the mistakes of their father. It might not make a difference in what her children do in their relationships but then again, it might. Putting a pretty bow on their father's actions doesn't work either.

[Furious]

Whoa....seems as though a betrayed spouse should gently weep into a tissue as she delicately reaches for the smelling salts or her character will come under examination if....god forbid ....she raises her voice and utters a swear word her children may overhear.

 

There's a fine balance that every single betrayed spouse juggles. But....there's no dress rehearsal when d-day hits and if no one died or was injured it shows restraint and character when you're world has suddenly come crashing down.

 

So, if a cell phone was stomped on, or a few dishes thrown across the kitchen, or voices were raised and a door slammed it is expected and not the end of the universe.

 

Eventually, most regret some actions,that may be completely out of character, and make amends and regain their footing to return to their core values and character.

 

If a cheater can be forgiven, I also believe a betrayed spouse who may act out should be given the same consideration.

[Spark1111]

This thread was specifically about my comment which was specifically about extreme behaviour such as dragging under aged children out of their bed to say "mommy cheated". And that I do see that as a reflection of something in the BS character that needs to be examined. I tried to clarify what I mean and that I was talking about emotional responses and so forth but extreme behaviours that are at times exhibited by a BS. Because they are human and have faults. And just because they were betrayed doesn't mean theirfaults no longer matter. They can learn a lot about themselves, if they are willing, by being honest.

 

I f'd up badly when I found out. But not in any over the top way. But through it all I learned I was severely co-dependant and had lost myself in being a wife and mother. Things that had nothing to do with the affair but were exposed by finding out. I had it easier than most because I found out by confession after te A was over. And I have only my own personal feelings to draw from. I have small children and I did say some things in front of them that I apologized for because it was wrong, very wrong of me to do so. I learned that my coping skills needed some work because I have never really had to cope with anything. Never dumped, no close deaths, no unexpected difficulties. I had no idea how to react. But after the first time I screamer at him in front of my two toddlers and they cried I realized I needed to get a hold of myself. So I gess my point really is and why I said "after" that behaviour (should have said continued) is a testament to the BS character. My character was severely tested. I'm not proud of everything. I would love to encourage those who want to fight dirty to get honest with themselves on why they are willing to lower their standards and to fight the urge. I just find that on here anything that smacks of questioning the BS is seen as insensitive and then you get labeled a cheater. I am not.

 

Fluttershy, your post reads poignant and true and honest.

 

it certainly speaks to your perspective and I for one, appreciate the lessons you learned while dealing with your H's infidelity and sharing it here.

 

But certainly you must realize that confession after the fact, after it has ended and your spouse has obviously chosen you and your family is not the norm and very rare.....something like less than 10 %.

 

Can you open your mind and your heart to what the rest of us went through? Stumbling on a text, sext, email, hotel receipt, secret second phone while our spouses were STILL conducting an affair?

 

Lying to our faces when confronted? Acting like petulant children when confronted? Counter attacking with arrogant indignation that we stumbled on undying love or lust expressed to another as if we had no right to interfere with their gf or bf?

 

Some found nude photos....Others walked in on the sex act...whether in the home, the car, the office....THE MARITAL BED.

 

Can you imagine this?

 

yes, yelling and screaming and frightening toddlers is heart wrenching.

 

How would you have handled older children, or young adults who question constantly and intuitively KNOW something is not right?

 

Where's Dad? Where's MOM? Why are they working late agin? Why are they always in a bad mood? How come they missed my game? late to my party? Why are they NEVER happy when they are home?

 

Why are you sobbing? What happened? It's mom/dad, right? Do they have a Gf? Bf? You are getting divorced right?

 

And sometimes this: Who keeps calling the house and hanging up? is that THAT woman? THAT man? I want to talk to them and give them a pice of my mind! How dare they ruin our family!

 

then friends and family: You have a long history and children together. make it work.

 

Or: Divorce that lying bas&$d! I could NEVER stay with my spouse if they did that to me!

 

And in the midst of this roller coaster, how sane and steady do you think you would be?

 

Do you TRULY believe you could still bring your A game to THIS POST DDAY?

 

Because I have been through life's ringer....untimely deaths, mentally ill mom, alcoholic dad, self-supporting since 16....and NOTHING prepared me for this scenario.

 

So our perspectives are relative to our experiences, and gently, I am telling you that few who post here received a confession after the fact.

[yellowmaverick]

I'm sorry but no, screaming and yelling obsenities is not going to keep your kids from cheating. And it is purely hypothetical that not rugsweeping would have saved you from bein betrayed. There are people who saw a parent wounded by an affair who have went on to have one. There are people who have been wounded themselves by an affair who have in a future relationship cheated as well. If we all learned by others mistakes the world would be a far better place than it is.

 

So many people seem bent on making this about showing pain or raw emotion. When I was specifically talking about harmful or immoral actions. And I get tired of how many people call things "rugsweeping" merely because names weren't called and an ad wasn't taken out in the paper.

 

I know screaming at my huband with my 3yr old present was not right.

 

Once again, you have misstated a posting. Most of what you have written was not stated by me and is untrue. Perhaps your cheating H's dishonesty has distorted your own version of the truth.

[Fluttershy]

Fluttershy, your post reads poignant and true and honest.

 

it certainly speaks to your perspective and I for one, appreciate the lessons you learned while dealing with your H's infidelity and sharing it here.

 

But certainly you must realize that confession after the fact, after it has ended and your spouse has obviously chosen you and your family is not the norm and very rare.....something like less than 10 %.

 

Can you open your mind and your heart to what the rest of us went through? Stumbling on a text, sext, email, hotel receipt, secret second phone while our spouses were STILL conducting an affair?

 

Lying to our faces when confronted? Acting like petulant children when confronted? Counter attacking with arrogant indignation that we stumbled on undying love or lust expressed to another as if we had no right to interfere with their gf or bf?

 

Some found nude photos....Others walked in on the sex act...whether in the home, the car, the office....THE MARITAL BED.

 

Can you imagine this?

 

yes, yelling and screaming and frightening toddlers is heart wrenching.

 

How would you have handled older children, or young adults who question constantly and intuitively KNOW something is not right?

 

Where's Dad? Where's MOM? Why are they working late agin? Why are they always in a bad mood? How come they missed my game? late to my party? Why are they NEVER happy when they are home?

 

Why are you sobbing? What happened? It's mom/dad, right? Do they have a Gf? Bf? You are getting divorced right?

 

And sometimes this: Who keeps calling the house and hanging up? is that THAT woman? THAT man? I want to talk to them and give them a pice of my mind! How dare they ruin our family!

 

then friends and family: You have a long history and children together. make it work.

 

Or: Divorce that lying bas&$d! I could NEVER stay with my spouse if they did that to me!

 

And in the midst of this roller coaster, how sane and steady do you think you would be?

 

Do you TRULY believe you could still bring your A game to THIS POST DDAY?

 

Because I have been through life's ringer....untimely deaths, mentally ill mom, alcoholic dad, self-supporting since 16....and NOTHING prepared me for this scenario.

 

So our perspectives are relative to our experiences, and gently, I am telling you that few who post here received a confession after the fact.

 

Just because i get or understand why someone does something doesn't mean I would give a free pass or tell a person "oh well you were distraught, what you did wasn't wrong" i thought I made it very clear that I wasn't talking about the the minor examples that have been given. And I was also talking about continued behaviour. I also realize and accept trickle trith and multiple ddays play a part as well. I am not talking about that. I merely clarified my post that was taken the wrong way and also had people accusing OWs of making it. I also didn''t say a bs shouldn't be forgiven (what the hell?) for losing it and making mistakes. And I also don't think any WS ha the right to critisize their BS behavioir (though if it is harmful to children or criminal then I'd make an exception of course. For instance a WS who is assulated should press charges)

 

I am sorry to those that take such offense to this but please stop adding pr taking away from it. I really can't figure out how to be more clear.

 

A BS is 100% responsible for their actions. And continued behaviour (whether rugsweeping or violence or an Ra) is a reflection of their character, morals, and coping skills. But I also believe if doesn't have to deny them and any personal faults they discovered (for instance a rugsweeper might see they are conflict avoidant) can be worked on.

 

And I even agreed myself that if a few things are broken and some nasty things said (that are more than deserved) than I'd say "you done good".

[Fluttershy]

Once again, you have misstated a posting. Most of what you have written was not stated by me and is untrue. Perhaps your cheating H's dishonesty has distorted your own version of the truth.

 

I am sorry, i took your post as you said a different persepctive, to mean that screaming in front of my kids could be a good thing and I was rugsweeping if I didn't. I am sorry that you thought I mean you yelled and screamed obseneities in front of your children. I did. And it was wrong of me and not something I am proud of or would ever suggest anyone rlse to do.

[Fluttershy]

Whoa....seems as though a betrayed spouse should gently weep into a tissue as she delicately reaches for the smelling salts or her character will come under examination if....god forbid ....she raises her voice and utters a swear word her children may overhear.

 

There's a fine balance that every single betrayed spouse juggles. But....there's no dress rehearsal when d-day hits and if no one died or was injured it shows restraint and character when you're world has suddenly come crashing down.

 

So, if a cell phone was stomped on, or a few dishes thrown across the kitchen, or voices were raised and a door slammed it is expected and not the end of the universe.

 

Eventually, most regret some actions,that may be completely out of character, and make amends and regain their footing to return to their core values and character.

 

If a cheater can be forgiven, I also believe a betrayed spouse who may act out should be given the same consideration.

 

Whatever. I know what I mean. I was very raw with my husband. I did not cry daintly into a handkercheif. Now if a BS finds out about the A in front of her kids of course it is a different story. But most people do not find out that way. I didn't my kids weren't around.

 

But screaming until they cried? They had no understanding of what daddy did or mommy's raw emotions. And I was not protecting then by choosing to let angry rule me. And. That. Was. Wrong. And I regret. And I own it. And thankfully I stopped. But I don't want a free pass on it or to be coddled because I am a

Grown woman who can take responsibilites for my own problems and deeper issues that I have since learned to deal with.

[yellowmaverick]

I am sorry, i took your post as you said a different persepctive, to mean that screaming in front of my kids could be a good thing and I was rugsweeping if I didn't. I am sorry that you thought I mean you yelled and screamed obseneities in front of your children. I did. And it was wrong of me and not something I am proud of or would ever suggest anyone rlse to do.

 

I am going to further shock you by saying that I honestly don't regret anything I did or said after d-day EXCEPT for not leaving the marriage immediately. Maybe the OW wouldn't have stalked me and my children if I had left sooner. She really hurt my children.

[ThatMan]

Fluttershy,

 

The thing with judging a person's character is we spare ourselves from the simple effort in understanding them. You are free to be as judgmental as you'd like. But the fact remains that we are all confronted with pain at some point and need to cope with it. The human experience entails figuring out how to react to the world around us as we go along. You can make toast for the first time and be skilled at it. You can kayak for the first time and be good at it. People will not be good at coping with trauma.

 

Trauma by it's very definition is unique. There is an injury in trauma, which goes far beyond mere pain. Any trauma expert will tell you that we do not cope with traumatic events. Instead we learn to live with an injury to continue forward. All of our experiences in the world will not determine the ability to respond to traumatic events. Different people will react differently to similar events. Just because somebody did not respond the exact way that you wanted, does NOT make a person worthy of your criticism.

 

So by all means continue being judgmental. But you are painting others with a rather crude brush which is uncalled for.

Edited January 8, 2014 by ThatMan
phone

[Fluttershy]

Fluttershy,

 

The thing with judging a person's character is we spare ourselves from the simple effort in understanding them. You are free to be as judgmental as you'd like. But the fact remains that we are all confronted with pain at some point and need to cope with it. The human experience entails figuring out how to react to the world around us as we go along. You can make toast for the first time and be skilled at it. You can kayak for the first time and be good at it. People will not be good at coping with trauma.

 

Trauma by it's very definition is unique. There is an injury in trauma, which goes far beyond mere pain. Any trauma expert will tell you that we do not cope with traumatic events. Instead we learn to live with an injury to continue forward. All of our experiences in the world will not determine the ability to respond to traumatic events. Different people will react differently to similar events. Just because somebody did not respond the exact way that you wanted, does NOT make a person worthy of your criticism.

 

So by all means continue being judgmental. But you are painting others with a rather crude brush which is uncalled for.

 

But see? I really don't see how I am being judgemental? I have not attacked one person's actions on here or in real life? Not called them bad or worthless. I was merely making the comment because i belief it is healthy for self reflection. And I think self reflection can be a good thing. But extreme behaviour like murder or what not? Is it judging to say those people need to seek some professional help to see why they reacted in such a way? Is it judgemental to say the man who drug his kids out of bed in the middle of the night to blas their mother was wrong to do so and would benefit from asking himsel why he felt the need to do so I thought it was okay to do so?

Isn't your post a judgement by saying I am judging others?

 

Aren't WS judged here all the time and often ripped to shreds? Even the ones who post who are sorry?

 

Sometimes we are so busy defending are behaviour because x behaviour is so much worse that we never really learn or grow.

 

I really am sorry if i came across as judgemental. I know a woman who found out her husband was in a LDA and threw his computer outh their second story window. I in no way felt at all appaled and completely understood it and even chuckled. But I also know a father that still likes to tell his kids their mother is a useless hoe, and it has been 20years. So we can say "all people react different" but that exact statement can be used to justify why some people have affairs and some don't

[Fluttershy]

I am going to further shock you by saying that I honestly don't regret anything I did or said after d-day EXCEPT for not leaving the marriage immediately. Maybe the OW wouldn't have stalked me and my children if I had left sooner. She really hurt my children.

 

And I am going to "shock" you by saying you haven't "shocked" me at all.

[ThatMan]

You've shared the simple idea that you can judge a person's character by how they react to the discovery of an affair. Lot's of people think that's unfair, maybe callous, and and so on. It is what it is - judging people by how they react. Maybe I've misunderstood the underlying meaning of your messages, which also exists in between all of the personal stories detailing how people behaved in ways they regret. But it does seem just slightly inappropriate in this context. I believe that people need to be compassionate with themselves in order to be accountable, make positive changes, and move on. It isn't realistic to be thoughtful at all times. People may need to distance themselves from believing the sum of their own worth is based on one day. But now you've been offered a good reason why we should not judge character based on what happens during D-Day.

 

Where you go from here is entirely up to you.

Edited January 8, 2014 by ThatMan
phone, again

[Fluttershy]

You've shared the simple idea that you can judge a person's character by how they react to the discovery of an affair. Lot's of people think that's unfair, maybe callous, and and so on. It is what it is - judging people by how they react. Maybe I've misunderstood the underlying meaning of your messages, which also exists in between all of the personal stories detailing how people behaved in ways they regret. But it does seem just slightly inappropriate in this context. I believe that people need to be compassionate with themselves in order to be accountable, make positive changes, and move on. It isn't realistic to be thoughtful at all times. People may need to distance themselves from believing the sum of their own worth is based on one day. But now you've been offered a good reason why we should not judge character based on what happens during D-Day.

 

Where you go from here is entirely up to you.

First of all, i said after DDay which some people took as Dday or close to and so i clarified as continued behaviour. I also object to people handing out free passes on any behaviour. There is a line. An I said the tell a lot about charcter and shared how I saw weakness in myself that I needed to strengthen. If I had refused to see those faults and thought "oh well Inwas hurting that isn't who I am" I would never have improved areas of my life that needed improving. I have

On many posts encoraged BS to give themselves a break. And I am not talking about BS takeing the blame for the affair before that gets thrown at me as well.

 

I gues what people object to is my use of the word "character". I mean it more in a broad term and not as the defintion of who the person is. And I was talking about continued behaviour.

 

What I posted is relative to this threa because it was a specific attack on what I posted in another forum.