How A BS acts after D-Day.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you for clarifying your intent and thoughts regarding this topic and your original post. You are not the only one who has said these things, though, and your comment as it was and as quoted above does in fact indicate that how a BS behaves on dday is a testement to their integrity and coping skills...when it absolutely is not.

 

I do not think BS has a pass to murder or do something extreme in that direction, but my thought is, you play you pay. If you (general you) cheat or assist in said cheating, then you get what you get.

 

BS files for divorce, blasts you on facebook, forces the sale of the business you worked so hard for? Well, you get what you get.

 

BS alerts the employer of WS amd co-worker having sex in the supply closet...supported by video? You play, you pay.

 

AP gets punched in the face by BS after brazenly talking ish to BS? Lol ya, You get it.

 

When you are involved in the deception and destruction of someones life, there will be consequences. Like I said, murder or serious physical harm is not okay. But to say that someones behavior on dday is a testement to who they are is bull dooky, and I dont care if you were a BS, OW, WS, or bystander. That is an ignorant statement.

 

I often feel very ashamed of my actions post Dday because I did hit my WH once and well I know it's wrong. I have serious PTSD from what my WH has put me through. People act like A's are child's play, you are playing around with someone else's life! A's are very serious as are the emotions that follow a Dday. I very much agree with your post krazikat!

[sweet_pea]

Thank you for clarifying, it wasn't very clear to me in the original post. However, I appreciate all of the input people have shared

[Snipercatt]

Yes, behavior is a reflection of character.

[whichwayisup]

Being betrayed is an ultimate test of character. You can either stay a victim forever and let it destroy you. Or you can fight the urge to die, try to make choices you can be proud of and work on letting it make you stronger not twisted and cruel.

 

Most BS's survive and come out wiser and stronger. The topic is after d-day not years down the road.

[BoxOfRain]

:laugh:I'm not sure how I stayed so calm. I spent a lot of time taking to my AA sponsor and friends, some counseling, and a lot of prayer. There were long nights listening to my heart pound through the mattress. The Louisville Slugger and fishing knives stayed locked in the trunk of my car. I threw away a couple of things that were bad reminders, but no destructive rampage. I kind of regret not curb-stomping WW's phone, but I didn't want to look like a violent psycho.

[experiencethedevine]

I was fortunate at the time. We had a small farm in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by 15 acres of nothing but green. Once my husband had disappeared back to work for his three months I could cry, scream, smash things to my hearts content with nobody around to witness the venting of my agony.

 

 

It served to preserve my sanity in the aftermath very well, and my dignity remained intact.

 

 

I do realise how fortunate I was!

[ladydesigner]

Most BS's survive and come out wiser and stronger. The topic is after d-day not years down the road.

 

Thank you for stating this! I do feel now my reactions to things so heinous have improved and keep getting better. I have been tested too in some unpleasant ways, but feel I am improving!

[Spark1111]

I agree that is exactly how I would behave,so would not blame you, however that would not solve the problem at all. Actually I would more aim for his boll@@@@ hehe. My MMs BS did this and she called me from his phone. He now uses mine..

 

Hehe? really? Are you the OW who now feels superior in that he uses your phone?

 

Not sure I am following here.

 

Anyhow, I do enough reading to know that having an affair DDay NOT degenerate into physical violence or destructive emotions is not the norm.

 

Ask law enforcement. Read media.

 

Even the law recognizes it. If a spouse walks in on their spouse having sex with someone else in the marital home, loses their mind and kills one of the two, they cannot be charged with anything worse than involuntary manslaughter....Look it up.

 

Yes, telling your children on DDAY shows poor judgement. Having them choose sides, even worse.

 

BUT if you truly loved your children, you would NOT have stooped so selfishly low as to lie, deceive and betray their other parent, your spouse.

 

You would have separated and told the truth and took everyone to counseling so the family could adjust before you picked up a new boyfriend or girlfriend, IMO.

 

So me? I forgive that dad or mom who in the crazy of betrayal, took an understandable but ill-advised misstep in parenting.

[drifter777]

It was me that made the comment in the thread about specifically dragging children into the confrontation. My reply was because of anothet poster's BH who dragged his children out of bed. I purposefully stated AFTER dday and I stand by that.

Really? What does AFTER mean? Exactly how long after dday do you give the BS to prove their character by their actions? How long does it take to recover from the deepest betrayal possible?

 

Go ahead, stand by your statement. I think it's naive and insensitive.

[krazikat]

I agree that is exactly how I would behave,so would not blame you, however that would not solve the problem at all. Actually I would more aim for his boll@@@@ hehe. My MMs BS did this and she called me from his phone. He now uses mine..

 

So did he leave his wife or are you still in a hidden affair while he tried to patch things up with his wife?

[Furious]

On a thread on the OW forum, it was said that how a BS acts after D-Day is a testament of their character, who they are and so on. Do you think that's true? How are someone's feelings and actions after learning of the affair on D-Day an adequate measure of their character and not other times in their lives? Does that mean that having an affair is a testament to someone's character or who they are, as well? I didn't want to thread-jack, but I would like to hear opinions on this.

 

Ironically, those that are betrayed are most often the ones with solid morals and character. On d-day is it tested above and beyond the trauma they are experiencing. More often than not, most betrayed spouses struggle and stumble during this vicious roller coaster of raw pain an emotion.

 

I doubt there is a single betrayed spouse who when looking back on d-day does not wish a re-do as to how they handled it.

 

If no one was hurt or injured, I say cut them some slack.

[Fluttershy]

Really? What does AFTER mean? Exactly how long after dday do you give the BS to prove their character by their actions? How long does it take to recover from the deepest betrayal possible?

 

Go ahead, stand by your statement. I think it's naive and insensitive.

 

There is nothing wrong with my statement in how I mean it. But you are twisting in emotions and recovery. The point was actions. And I believe that the BS is 100% responsible for their actions. I believe that reactions are understandable but I do not believe a BS gets a free pass on or after DDay no atter what they do. I don't believe one adults disgusting behaviour gives anyone else a pass to behave poorly. I think a BS who does behave poorly and owns it is human but shows the courage to admit when they are wrong. I believe a BS who constantly says, no matter how much tomes passes, "well what he did was so much worse". Has their own issues to deal with. I lose my temper and I break something I can say "well, at least I didn't hurt anyone like so and so did," or i can say "I need to work on controling my temper and not look at all the other people who behave worse than I.

 

I saw a woman today whose husband cheated on her after over 30 years of marriage. This woman was crushed and it is still hard for her as her H has a new woman (not his ow). When the affair happened she gave him a chance to be remorseful before telling even her adult children. He didn't want to be so she showed him the door.

 

She talks about her anger, her tears, her brokeness. Her kids saw her pain. But neer once did she name call him to her children or anyone else. She never sought revenge or posted about it on social media. When he came back two years later because things hadn't worked out with his OW she did not take him back but told him he had missed the boat. If this woman could act with decency and morality after her very romantic and attentive husband of so many years screwed around on her and then refused to apologize or give it up when discovered then yes, i believe she showed an amazing resilence o character.

 

We all make mistakes. And mistakes in the emotional nuke of DDay is understandable. But, just because I understand why someone does something, doesn't mean I encourage it or okay it.

[violet1]

There is nothing wrong with my statement in how I mean it. But you are twisting in emotions and recovery. The point was actions. And I believe that the BS is 100% responsible for their actions. I believe that reactions are understandable but I do not believe a BS gets a free pass on or after DDay no atter what they do. I don't believe one adults disgusting behaviour gives anyone else a pass to behave poorly. I think a BS who does behave poorly and owns it is human but shows the courage to admit when they are wrong. I believe a BS who constantly says, no matter how much tomes passes, "well what he did was so much worse". Has their own issues to deal with. I lose my temper and I break something I can say "well, at least I didn't hurt anyone like so and so did," or i can say "I need to work on controling my temper and not look at all the other people who behave worse than I.

 

I saw a woman today whose husband cheated on her after over 30 years of marriage. This woman was crushed and it is still hard for her as her H has a new woman (not his ow). When the affair happened she gave him a chance to be remorseful before telling even her adult children. He didn't want to be so she showed him the door.

 

She talks about her anger, her tears, her brokeness. Her kids saw her pain. But neer once did she name call him to her children or anyone else. She never sought revenge or posted about it on social media. When he came back two years later because things hadn't worked out with his OW she did not take him back but told him he had missed the boat. If this woman could act with decency and morality after her very romantic and attentive husband of so many years screwed around on her and then refused to apologize or give it up when discovered then yes, i believe she showed an amazing resilence o character.

 

We all make mistakes. And mistakes in the emotional nuke of DDay is understandable. But, just because I understand why someone does something, doesn't mean I encourage it or okay it.

 

I completely agree with this. I don't believe anyone gets a free pass to behave badly no matter how bad they are hurt. I feel this way because I've experienced a lot of pain in my life since I was a child. My mom was murdered when I was a teenager by my step dad. Almost 20 years later and it's still been the most painful experience I've had in my life. It literally destroyed my family. Yet, there's not one person in my family who went after that man. Why? There are consequences to everything. If my uncle had shot the POS who killed his sister, he would have gone to jail. The judge would not have cared what his reasonings were. My point is that being hurt does NOT give a person entitlement to go on a rampage. It's not what happens to us that matters, it's how we handle it that counts. I do understand when a BS behaves badly after a DDay because it just sucks being blind sided. However, I truly admire the BS who keep his or her cool and takes the high road because it's a difficult thing to do. This is just my opinion from my personal experiences. Your mileage may vary.

[experiencethedevine]

Ironically, those that are betrayed are most often the ones with solid morals and character. On d-day is it tested above and beyond the trauma they are experiencing. More often than not, most betrayed spouses struggle and stumble during this vicious roller coaster of raw pain an emotion.

 

I doubt there is a single betrayed spouse who when looking back on d-day does not wish a re-do as to how they handled it.

 

If no one was hurt or injured, I say cut them some slack.

 

 

I would say that the above epitomises the events of dday for the BS.

 

 

Particularly regarding the desire to handle the trauma in a different way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

 

 

I was actually TOO detached. My husband took this for a display of profound dignity and control.

 

 

I believe this stems from my experience in dealing with psychological distress and trauma on a daily basis.

 

 

Actually, I was in complete dumbfounded shock.

[drifter777]

I completely agree with this. I don't believe anyone gets a free pass to behave badly no matter how bad they are hurt. I feel this way because I've experienced a lot of pain in my life since I was a child. My mom was murdered when I was a teenager by my step dad. Almost 20 years later and it's still been the most painful experience I've had in my life. It literally destroyed my family. Yet, there's not one person in my family who went after that man. Why? There are consequences to everything. If my uncle had shot the POS who killed his sister, he would have gone to jail. The judge would not have cared what his reasonings were. My point is that being hurt does NOT give a person entitlement to go on a rampage. It's not what happens to us that matters, it's how we handle it that counts. I do understand when a BS behaves badly after a DDay because it just sucks being blind sided. However, I truly admire the BS who keep his or her cool and takes the high road because it's a difficult thing to do. This is just my opinion from my personal experiences. Your mileage may vary.

Another cheater weighs in. Thanks for the perspective of someone who has no idea what d-day feels like. Comparing the trauma of your mother being murdered - unbelievably horrific - to the trauma caused by the betrayal of a WS is comparing apples to spinach. The analogies are not equivalent so the reactions cannot be evaluated in the same context. Plus, your value judgement of how a murder victims family members should react are only your opinions and not a factual finding of what "normal" is. If the husband of a murder victim finds a way to kill the person who did it, does that make him wrong? Just because some judge/jury is going to put him in prison has no bearing on the husbands values. Your judgement on this reflects who you are but it doesn't mean that opinion applies to others.

 

And your admiration for a BS who "keeps his or her cool and takes the high road" is callously patronizing and I find it insulting. Who are you - a cheater - to pass judgement on the reaction of a BS?

[Spark1111]

Yes....there ARE SAINTS who walk amongst us displaying grace under fire and courage and control amidst harrowing, life-changing events.

 

I too admire them, but it is NOT the norm.

 

Any act of decency and kindness I displayed after DDAY was directly linked to how I perceived myself as a parent protecting our children; never name called either he or she ever.

 

In fact, I encouraged my children to treat both him and her with respect no MATTER what the outcome of our marriage would be. He would be their only father forever and she might be in his future and therefore THEIR future.

 

But inwardly I fumed, raged, vented to a few close friends and family and did entertain many a revenge fantasy....for a quite a long time.

 

I am only human.

 

Today, I hold in the highest regard those who do not leave a path of destruction as they plunder about trying to have their needs met at any cost.

 

That's at least 50% of us and it's a group I am very proud to be in.

[drifter777]

There is nothing wrong with my statement in how I mean it. But you are twisting in emotions and recovery. The point was actions. And I believe that the BS is 100% responsible for their actions. I believe that reactions are understandable but I do not believe a BS gets a free pass on or after DDay no atter what they do. I don't believe one adults disgusting behaviour gives anyone else a pass to behave poorly. I think a BS who does behave poorly and owns it is human but shows the courage to admit when they are wrong. I believe a BS who constantly says, no matter how much tomes passes, "well what he did was so much worse". Has their own issues to deal with. I lose my temper and I break something I can say "well, at least I didn't hurt anyone like so and so did," or i can say "I need to work on controling my temper and not look at all the other people who behave worse than I.

 

I saw a woman today whose husband cheated on her after over 30 years of marriage. This woman was crushed and it is still hard for her as her H has a new woman (not his ow). When the affair happened she gave him a chance to be remorseful before telling even her adult children. He didn't want to be so she showed him the door.

 

She talks about her anger, her tears, her brokeness. Her kids saw her pain. But neer once did she name call him to her children or anyone else. She never sought revenge or posted about it on social media. When he came back two years later because things hadn't worked out with his OW she did not take him back but told him he had missed the boat. If this woman could act with decency and morality after her very romantic and attentive husband of so many years screwed around on her and then refused to apologize or give it up when discovered then yes, i believe she showed an amazing resilence o character.

 

We all make mistakes. And mistakes in the emotional nuke of DDay is understandable. But, just because I understand why someone does something, doesn't mean I encourage it or okay it.

Let me be clear about this, to me your statement is ignorant, callus, and insulting. You say you are talking about actions, not emotions. What do you think fuels actions? If a BS decides to out the cheater to everyone they know - kids, parents, neighbors, pastors, etc. - who are you to judge? The cheater, by way of their actions, has risked all of this and more.

 

As a cheater yourself I know that you wish and hope and pray that your BS will quietly accept what you have done and suffer in silence forever. Like the woman you use as an example. And you would have loved my reaction - it was just what you would have wanted. I know my reaction was caused by shock and denial. My reaction led to my making bad decisions that I regret to this day. But they were perfect for my wife - at least for 20 years before I finally crashed and forced her to face what she did and finally feel some consequences. I guess if I had died in the meantime I would have been your model BS. The kind that takes the betrayal and swallows it and prays that time will heal the wound.

[drifter777]

Yes....there ARE SAINTS who walk amongst us displaying grace under fire and courage and control amidst harrowing, life-changing events.

 

I too admire them, but it is NOT the norm.

 

Any act of decency and kindness I displayed after DDAY was directly linked to how I perceived myself as a parent protecting our children; never name called either he or she ever.

 

In fact, I encouraged my children to treat both him and her with respect no MATTER what the outcome of our marriage would be. He would be their only father forever and she might be in his future and therefore THEIR future.

 

But inwardly I fumed, raged, vented to a few close friends and family and did entertain many a revenge fantasy....for a quite a long time.

 

I am only human.

 

Today, I hold in the highest regard those who do not leave a path of destruction as they plunder about trying to have their needs met at any cost.

 

That's at least 50% of us and it's a group I am very proud to be in.

And I guess you are one of the saints you refer to - congrats.

 

Do you condemn those BS's that are not able to live up to your example? Do you think that outward demonstrations of the rage you felt that go beyond venting to close friends is "bad"? Do you judge those BS's this harshly?

 

Pride? Look, you reacted how you reacted. I hope it works for you in the long run and you are able to maintain the self-respect you feel you displayed by stifling your emotional reactions. I hope that it doesn't turn into shame and regret that you ate the sh*t-sandwitch of betrayal and asked for seconds.

[Spark1111]

And I guess you are one of the saints you refer to - congrats.

 

Do you condemn those BS's that are not able to live up to your example? Do you think that outward demonstrations of the rage you felt that go beyond venting to close friends is "bad"? Do you judge those BS's this harshly?

 

Pride? Look, you reacted how you reacted. I hope it works for you in the long run and you are able to maintain the self-respect you feel you displayed by stifling your emotional reactions. I hope that it doesn't turn into shame and regret that you ate the sh*t-sandwitch of betrayal and asked for seconds.

 

Ahhh...c'mon Drifter, you know me a lot better than that!

 

I exposed to the world, threw him out and almost crashed my car into his when I found it parked at her house after DDAY when he was begging me to reconcile.

 

My IC made me come in twice a week to ensure I did not crack completely and injure myself or another.

 

I'm talking of the restraint I showed around my young adult children, but I too boarded the crazy train just like everyone else.

 

That's why I get it, I really do.

 

And therefore by the grace of GOD, I didn't self-destruct or destroy the lives of those around me reacting to my H's infidelity.

 

But I could have.

[dreamingoftigers]

And I guess you are one of the saints you refer to - congrats.

 

Do you condemn those BS's that are not able to live up to your example? Do you think that outward demonstrations of the rage you felt that go beyond venting to close friends is "bad"? Do you judge those BS's this harshly?

 

Pride? Look, you reacted how you reacted. I hope it works for you in the long run and you are able to maintain the self-respect you feel you displayed by stifling your emotional reactions. I hope that it doesn't turn into shame and regret that you ate the sh*t-sandwitch of betrayal and asked for seconds.

 

If you thinks shes just some egotist that looks down on the masses, then you havent read a ton of her posts.

 

D-days for me were Hell but i was also getting such poor treatment at the time that in hindsight i was traumatized to the point of inaction.

 

The second i had the mental and emotional strength to lock him out, i recentered, grew stronger and was even able to be there for him when he hit rock bottom.

 

Does it make me a saint?

No.

Although i was sarcastically called one by my husband.

Does it make me a doormat?

No.

 

It made me a partner who was able to see that my partner's infidelity was a symptom of a larger picture of being mentally ill.

 

I wouldnt ditch him over having cancer and as long as he was willing to get help and learn to manage himself and his illness; i would live up to my vows.

 

Im glad i stayed.

He made a sh*t sandwich.

Yes he did.

I didnt feast on it. I turned it into fertilizer.

If he wants to serve me another sh*t sandwich i will turn it into fertilizer to grow a new life with on my own.

 

I did what worked for me.

I retained my dignity and stayed to rebuild my marriage.

I dont feel that I owe anyone an apology for that.

[drifter777]

If you thinks shes just some egotist that looks down on the masses, then you havent read a ton of her posts.

 

D-days for me were Hell but i was also getting such poor treatment at the time that in hindsight i was traumatized to the point of inaction.

 

The second i had the mental and emotional strength to lock him out, i recentered, grew stronger and was even able to be there for him when he hit rock bottom.

 

Does it make me a saint?

No.

Although i was sarcastically called one by my husband.

Does it make me a doormat?

No.

 

It made me a partner who was able to see that my partner's infidelity was a symptom of a larger picture of being mentally ill.

 

I wouldnt ditch him over having cancer and as long as he was willing to get help and learn to manage himself and his illness; i would live up to my vows.

 

Im glad i stayed.

He made a sh*t sandwich.

Yes he did.

I didnt feast on it. I turned it into fertilizer.

If he wants to serve me another sh*t sandwich i will turn it into fertilizer to grow a new life with on my own.

 

I did what worked for me.

I retained my dignity and stayed to rebuild my marriage.

I dont feel that I owe anyone an apology for that.

To get back on point, I'm responding to the question about a BS's true character being revealed by their actions on d-day. I'm not addressing the decision to reconcile - although d-day responses and actions can affect any effort to reconcile. I maintain that however the BS responds to becoming aware that their SO is/has cheated says nothing about who they are IRL. People do & say things in the stunned wake of this revelation as a reaction to hurt and/or blind rage with no time to truly absorb what has happened. Yes, they are responsible for whatever actions they take. But it doesn't reveal anything about their true character.

[Snowflower]

To get back on point, I'm responding to the question about a BS's true character being revealed by their actions on d-day. I'm not addressing the decision to reconcile - although d-day responses and actions can affect any effort to reconcile. I maintain that however the BS responds to becoming aware that their SO is/has cheated says nothing about who they are IRL. People do & say things in the stunned wake of this revelation as a reaction to hurt and/or blind rage with no time to truly absorb what has happened. Yes, they are responsible for whatever actions they take. But it doesn't reveal anything about their true character.

 

Well said.^^^

 

I don't think there is a BS out there who doesn't regret some aspect of how they handled their d-day. In some ways, maybe every BS would like a do-over of how we handled it. Maybe we said things we wish we hadn't (who hasn't said something and later regretted it), or did something impulsive and later regretted it, like post something on FB, or whatever.

 

As for me, I wish I hadn't been so d*mn accommodating after d-day.

 

 

What I especially don't like is all the Monday morning quarterbacks who come along and criticize a BS's actions shortly after d-day.

 

And then these same BSs are held up to some epitome of a BS who supposedly responded perfectly to their spouse's cheating (this was illustrated in an earlier post on this thread about a betrayal of a 30 year marriage) To that I roll my eyes and wonder how these same people know exactly all this 3rd hand.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well said.^^^

 

I don't think there is a BS out there who doesn't regret some aspect of how they handled their d-day. In some ways, maybe every BS would like a do-over of how we handled it. Maybe we said things we wish we hadn't (who hasn't said something and later regretted it), or did something impulsive and later regretted it, like post something on FB, or whatever.

 

As for me, I wish I hadn't been so d*mn accommodating after d-day.

 

 

What I especially don't like is all the Monday morning quarterbacks who come along and criticize a BS's actions shortly after d-day.

 

And then these same BSs are held up to some epitome of a BS who supposedly responded perfectly to their spouse's cheating (this was illustrated in an earlier post on this thread about a betrayal of a 30 year marriage) To that I roll my eyes and wonder how these same people know exactly all this 3rd hand.

 

Yeah really.

Its not like we were given a D-day "fire drill" like so many OM/OW were.

 

"Now here's what we say if we get caught."

 

Even the fact that OM/OW know we exist gives them extra miles of a headstart on WHAT to think about a cheating spouse and how a BS "should" act.

 

And MM/MW has tons of practice lying everyday. So they are well-versed on inflicting the hurt but have no clue the actual effect. But they still have foreknowledge and "prep time." Whether they actually use it or not is a different story.

[Fluttershy]

For those that cannot read

 

I... Was... A... Betrayed... Spouse

 

There is no point in any further discussion because some people will always give a free pass to s BS no matter their actions.

 

So let them BS beat their WS to a pulp, murder, drag their children out of bed, and everything else under the sun and then say "It isn't s character flaw they were just hurting/traumatized" All the while ignoring the fact that most BS, even when blimdsided, do not commit crimes. God, evrn when you think you made yourself clear your words get twisted.

 

Cheating, even in a sexless marriage, is 100% on the WS. They chose to go against their morals (if they had any) lie to themselves, and justify actions that will eventually (if not immediently) hurt the person they are supposed to love and cherish. Even if the BS had ignored them or what not. And their behaviour is a reflection of their character.

 

Stabbing your WS are beating them is 100% wrong and a reflection of a part

Of who you are. Continuing doing so after the initial blow is even more a reflection of who you are and what you think is okay "if someone hurts me enough..." but just as your WS didn't have themselves forced into someone elses arms, neither did the WS force you to repeatdly slam your fist in their face.

[Spark1111]

No do not feel superior, just here for your information and advice, if you listened it might actually help you instead of trying to belittle.

 

Sorry I am confused whom you are aiming at. The first bit me and then who?

 

I am sure every case of manslaughter is dealt with on a case by case basis, so do not think you can slaughter someone and get away with it. Not everyone would get away with it as you are suggesting.

 

Misstep in parenting, you can manage your children, you do not have to involve them in your bickering and use them as ammunition. I guess you did. Why are you here after so many years reconciled I wonder. Really still that angry???? Why have you wasted your life????

 

is it the moon? the stars? Both you and Drifter today?

 

What was the info or advice you were trying to impart to DOT regarding death of cell phone by stomping?

 

I'm still lost.

 

Does anyone read my posts anymore?

 

Even those as recently as 4 or 5 above this?

 

For anyone to judge my character based on my actions after DDAY would be very short-sighted indeed....

 

Yes, in a perfect world we should always take the high road and we are ALWAYS responsible for our choices and actions.

 

however, I will not be held to a higher standard than those who lied and deceived me and betrayed me and my family.

 

Not fair. And they have no right to judge me IF the way I handled the DDAY's aftermath is not to their liking or standards.

 

Do people in affairs ACTUALLY believe that if the spouse and the children do not know, they cannot be hurt?

 

And it is in the discovery and the telling that they are hurt? NOT in the actions of the affair that preceded it?

 

Because that is sophomoric thinking in the extreme.