How A BS acts after D-Day.

[sweet_pea]

On a thread on the OW forum, it was said that how a BS acts after D-Day is a testament of their character, who they are and so on. Do you think that's true? How are someone's feelings and actions after learning of the affair on D-Day an adequate measure of their character and not other times in their lives? Does that mean that having an affair is a testament to someone's character or who they are, as well? I didn't want to thread-jack, but I would like to hear opinions on this.

[tiredofitall2]

This is what Dr. Pittmans says:

 

-- If there is infidelity, it means the other partner is not loved: ``The reality is that having an affair is not a reaction to not loving your mate. You have affairs because of things about you, not things about your partner. Sure, there are people out there who don`t love anybody and they would be doing the same thing no matter who they were married to.``

 

 

So yes, it is because flaws in the cheating spouse. Many times the "one thing leads to the other" play a big role, but many, many people would not engage in affairs regardless of the circumstances.

[Spark1111]

I'd like to believe I have great character, yet after the devastation of DDAY, all bets were off how rationally I would act.....at least for awhile.

 

That being said, I find it amazing that someone who lies, cheats, and f's around on the sly with someone who is, Afterall MARRIED, would judge my integrity after I discovered that fact.

 

That's rich. Thanks for the chuckle sweat pea.

[Spark1111]

This is what Dr. Pittmans says:

 

-- If there is infidelity, it means the other partner is not loved: ``The reality is that having an affair is not a reaction to not loving your mate. You have affairs because of things about you, not things about your partner. Sure, there are people out there who don`t love anybody and they would be doing the same thing no matter who they were married to.``

 

 

So yes, it is because flaws in the cheating spouse. Many times the "one thing leads to the other" play a big role, but many, many people would not engage in affairs regardless of the circumstances.

 

I adore the late, great Dr.Pittman and agree with him implicitly.

 

However it would take months, no YEARS until I could calm down enough to embrace his position and that of my youngest child, that Dad's affair had nothing to do with me.

 

In a ball of pain and rage after DDAy for having been so lied to, so deceived, I mustered all the integrity I could summon AT THAT TIME.

 

Since no one was shot, injured, or went to jail, all in all, I am pretty damned proud of the integrity and small smattering a of kindness and rationale I was able to muster at that time.

[rumbleseat]

Funny how some ws and ow/om feel that they can excuse their actions with " we never meant for this to happen" or " you can't help who you fall in love with, and the heart wants what it wants" or even " I couldn't control myself no matter how hard I tried". They can't be expected to mIntain nc, and have this ravenous need for "closure". If they can't stop contact after it has been expressly stated that it is not welcome, they excuse this by saying " but I am in love" .

 

Poor behavior is excused by "he/ she lied to me, "future faked" or something else.

 

Maybe these are legitimate excuses, I don't know. I do know that I would like to see om/ow and ws extended the sane courtesy and understanding to the bs that they feel entitled to for themselves.

 

These same people then feel qualified to sit in judgement of how a bs acts once d day happens. They are expected to be calm and rAtional, never raise their voice, hell, scream and fight for their spouse. Basically, they are in a no win position. If they put up a fight, they are being a b@tch or a jerk and not letting the person go to be with their "soul mate", while if they are calm, that means they are a cold fish who never really loved the ws.

 

 

Damned if you do and damned if you don't

[dreamingoftigers]

LMAO,

 

If I were judged on D-day alone, I know my husbands Blackberry wiuld try to have me criminally charged. I curb-stomped his phone into the steps.

 

All bets were off on D-day.

 

And the next Ddays too.

Don't ask. Don't judge. ARG. Not one OW etc.

Glad that's over and that he got help.

[krazikat]

On a thread on the OW forum, it was said that how a BS acts after D-Day is a testament of their character, who they are and so on. Do you think that's true? How are someone's feelings and actions after learning of the affair on D-Day an adequate measure of their character and not other times in their lives? Does that mean that having an affair is a testament to someone's character or who they are, as well? I didn't want to thread-jack, but I would like to hear opinions on this.

 

I thought this as I read that thread..."um, ya and sleeping with sometimes spouse is a treatment to ones character and integrity...."

 

Some people have very, um, selective expectations. Anything to avoid any fingers pointed them...

[krazikat]

I thought this as I read that thread..."um, ya and sleeping with sometimes spouse is a treatment to ones character and integrity...."

 

Some people have very, um, selective expectations. Anything to avoid any fingers pointed them...

 

Sorry for this babble...unpredictive text on my phone...this was supposed to say: sleeping with someones spouse is a testament....

 

Further, the nerve these people have in pointing their finger at the BS. It is absolutely vile and pathetic behavior.

[drifter777]

On a thread on the OW forum, it was said that how a BS acts after D-Day is a testament of their character, who they are and so on. Do you think that's true? How are someone's feelings and actions after learning of the affair on D-Day an adequate measure of their character and not other times in their lives? Does that mean that having an affair is a testament to someone's character or who they are, as well? I didn't want to thread-jack, but I would like to hear opinions on this.

This is the kind of drivel I would expect to come from a cheater. Grasping at straw's to rationalize their weak, selfish, disgusting behavior.

[experiencethedevine]

As laurels rightly indicates, the behaviour of a spouse who has just discovered the person they trusted, honoured and devoted themselves to (as they shared the vows the wayward spouse has broken, spat on and trampled to the ground) is a selfish, disgusting lying s**t has absolutely NO bearing AT ALL on who they are.

 

 

The BS has been the victim of a gargantuan psychological trauma at dday, and both mind and body react to such an enormous shock in a myriad of ways in order to protect sanity.

 

 

There is a physiological reaction to a monumental psychological event that is both unpreventable and unpredictable.

 

 

Who ever (as most have alluded here) has the audacity to attempt to disparage the betrayed spouses character at such a time is simply pond life in my opinion. what a ridiculous suggestion to make in the first place.

 

 

If there is to be any attempt at character judgement on such an event, the other woman/man would do well to first look in the mirror as they wail and bleat about the lies they too were told,..............................

[Arieswoman]

Three laurels, you said,

 

I forgot to add: the effects of extreme stress are so powerful that they can allow an average person to lift a 3000+ lb car. This stuff is no joke.

I can attest to that.

 

On dday after my exH had left the house I lifted the marital bed, bedding and his stereo system out of the house single-handed and threw it on the front lawn.

I was busy making confetti out of his clothes when he came back.

 

When he complained about having nowhere to sleep I told him to eff-off back to his girlfriend's.

 

If I hadn't had this improvised "therapy" to use up my anger I am sure I would have tried to kill him.

 

I suppose I should be thankful I wasn't charged with Criminal Damage.

[experiencethedevine]

Three laurels, you said,

 

I can attest to that.

 

On dday after my exH had left the house I lifted the marital bed, bedding and his stereo system out of the house single-handed and threw it on the front lawn.

I was busy making confetti out of his clothes when he came back.

 

When he complained about having nowhere to sleep I told him to eff-off back to his girlfriend's.

 

If I hadn't had this improvised "therapy" to use up my anger I am sure I would have tried to kill him.

 

I suppose I should be thankful I wasn't charged with Criminal Damage.

 

 

Oh my goodness Aries! You made me smile this morning! I have an inspection of my house (I have recently opened my second women's refuge) after all the building work has been completed and I was feeling a little anxious, but this post has relieved that with a surreptitious little giggle!

 

 

I can hear that wonderful liverpudlian accent sending your husband on his way so clearly in my mind! Thankyou!

 

 

And my apologies everyone for the t/j..............

 

 

Carry on...................

[Raena]

I wouldn't say that my behavior shortly after DDay has any bearing whatsoever on who I am as a person. I was an emotional wreck and the physiological responses I had were no where close to my "usual" behavior. I felt my world crushing down on me in a way that I had never felt before. The rug was pulled out from under my feet, so to speak, and as I flailed around trying to find footing, the rug was pulled again, and again, and again.

 

It isn't easy to explain, but I will say this. My actions immediately afterwards were a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. It was, by NO means, an indication of my moral character.

 

Now... 3 months or so after the fact, NOW my behaviors are an indication of of my character. I suck it up and deal with the fact that I'm now alone while my son's father is off busy shacking up with the OW. I ignore their childish behavior and draw my boundary lines explaining exactly what I will allow to happen to me and what I won't. I refuse to allow this to make me act like a crazy woman. He didn't love me enough to be faithful and honest. That's on him. End of story.

[dichotomy]

We are not often prepared for great loss or hurt in our lives. Hard to judge someone when the unknown or unexpected thing hits you upside the head. How we initially react or cope varies, perhaps in the long run its more about what you learned and how you might cope next time. Fool me once....kind of thing...

 

About Dr. Pittman quote about it being about the flaw in someone who cheats...ya ...most times it is a flaw... on how to love.

[Spark1111]

Before, during and After DDay, I went into Supersleuth mode to discover exactly who this OW was and hacked into his email accounts.

 

All were company URLS, but for 7 or 8.

 

I sent a generic email that said, "Oh, so this is you?" to all the personal female addresses.

 

It hit. She called him on his cell late at night while I sat next to him and was OUTRAGED I TELL YA, claiming I HAD crossed a line!

 

 

AHAHAHAHA! That was rich.

[yellowmaverick]

As the saying goes, "consider the source". You can't get any lower than someone who cheats or screws a married person.

 

I would never place any value on an OW/OM's opinion of my character.

Edited January 6, 2014 by yellowmaverick

[katielee]

I outed his first AP to her employer but I didn't out him to HIS employer. He said I was so selfish to do that...

[experiencethedevine]

As the saying goes, "consider the source". You can't get any lower than someone who cheats or screws a married person.

 

I would never place any value on an OW/OM's opinion of my character.

 

 

 

Quite. As you rightly state, consider the source from which such assassination originates...........................

[underwater2010]

I don't think that Dday is a true show of character initially.

 

 

I am an easy going person.....that is moral, truthful, loyal and values honesty above all else. I don't like confrontation and I am very, very rational.

 

 

On Dday I was still rational, but I believe that it is because I had time to think things through before I had to face him. I didn't scream or shout or cry at first....just gave him a choice. Which is more than he gave me.

 

 

Then I asked details...I think my initial calm with both WH and his AP is what scared them the most.

 

 

Then came the anger and pain. Yes I lashed out at him both emotionally and physically (not proud of that)....so not my true nature.

 

 

I believe that if both of them knew my deepest, darkest revenge fantasies they would have run for the hills. You see there is a side that I keep in check.

 

 

However, the control and ultimate forgiveness that came with this affair will not be given again. I dare him to cross me again.

 

 

And I think that is the problem a WS and their AP experience upon Dday. They don't see hurting the BS as an issue....we are weak and pathetic. Unable to satisfy our spouses. We don't care or love them like we used to. Imagine their shock when they find out just the opposite. Or figure out that we aren't going to put up with their **** anymore.

[whichwayisup]

It really isn't fair to judge someone's character or who they are during a DDay. The emotions are all over the place, BS's world got turned upside down NOT by choice and the one person they thought they could trust more than anyone, betrayed them.

 

Why is it an expectation or that a BS is held on a higher standard than an AP or the WS? Reaction vs a continual choice of betrayal and lying, yet a BS is the person who at the end of the day is judged more harshly than an AP and the WS. So sh.tty.

[dreamingoftigers]

They may as well judge is for how we deal with a breakin in the middle of the night.

 

Frankly, it's about the same trigger.

Someone is trying to get in our bed and sneak around us.

Pretty scary stuff.

[Fluttershy]

It was me that made the comment in the thread about specifically dragging children into the confrontation. My reply was because of anothet poster's BH who dragged his children out of bed. I purposefully stated AFTER dday and I stand by that.

 

I wasn't talking about emotions but actions. I wasn't talking aboit thoughts but actions. And I was talking about behaviour that is harmful to children, harmful to others, violent and illegal. Over the top behaviour. I agree if the worst that happens is a phone being thrown at someone's head during the fresh aftermath or some nasty words being said that is hardly what I was talking about.

 

But even on DDay I don't Think BS get free passes for everything. Murder, physical harm (like beating the WS or AP to a pulp) are two of the obvious.

 

Being betrayed is an ultimate test of character. You can either stay a victim forever and let it destroy you. Or you can fight the urge to die, try to make choices you can be proud of and work on letting it make you stronger not twisted and cruel.

 

And why should it bother people so much if someone says x behaviour is wrong? If you are confident that a BS can do no wrong then who cares if others disagree? I believe all BS, even freshly betrayed ones, should be encouraged to keep their morals intact and not stoop to their WS level. And before I get accused of holding a BS to a higher standard, I don't, not at all. I also encourage all WS to get honest with themselves, end the affair and tell their BS the truth no matter the consequences.

 

I was a BS. Not an OW or WS. I know because I don't want to put all WS at the stake or ok all BS to run around destroying their WS in everyway possible my opinion is often twisted and I am disagreed with, called arrogent, and thought a cheater myself. I'm not. It is just my opinion. And I am free to share it. I will clarify things when I can and this entire post was about my comment and took what I said not the way I intended it.

There are many who like to give a free pass to the BS ok their behaviour. I do not. In fact how a BS acts after DDay is a testement to who they are, their character, and their coping skills. .

[ladydesigner]

My character on Dday was so out of character for who I normally am. I went absolutely insane and stayed that way until something changed. Either WH had to go or he was willing to fix things, that was it! His lying, gaslighting, false r, trickle truth all led me to my mental breakdown. I eventually attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I got myself a really good couple of therapists and some medication and have made a miraculous comeback for me. I was a mess on Dday and for a whole year after that. It was mentally and physically exhausting. I lost 10 pounds and alot of hair that still has not grown back.

[ladydesigner]

Originally Posted by Fluttershy There are many who like to give a free pass to the BS ok their behaviour. I do not. In fact how a BS acts after DDay is a testement to who they are, their character, and their coping skills

Yes I agree. unfortunately my coping skills were zil to none at Dday. I have gotten help since then to develop healthier coping mechanisms.

[krazikat]

It was me that made the comment in the thread about specifically dragging children into the confrontation. My reply was because of anothet poster's BH who dragged his children out of bed. I purposefully stated AFTER dday and I stand by that.

 

I wasn't talking about emotions but actions. I wasn't talking aboit thoughts but actions. And I was talking about behaviour that is harmful to children, harmful to others, violent and illegal. Over the top behaviour. I agree if the worst that happens is a phone being thrown at someone's head during the fresh aftermath or some nasty words being said that is hardly what I was talking about.

 

But even on DDay I don't Think BS get free passes for everything. Murder, physical harm (like beating the WS or AP to a pulp) are two of the obvious.

 

Being betrayed is an ultimate test of character. You can either stay a victim forever and let it destroy you. Or you can fight the urge to die, try to make choices you can be proud of and work on letting it make you stronger not twisted and cruel.

 

And why should it bother people so much if someone says x behaviour is wrong? If you are confident that a BS can do no wrong then who cares if others disagree? I believe all BS, even freshly betrayed ones, should be encouraged to keep their morals intact and not stoop to their WS level. And before I get accused of holding a BS to a higher standard, I don't, not at all. I also encourage all WS to get honest with themselves, end the affair and tell their BS the truth no matter the consequences.

 

I was a BS. Not an OW or WS. I know because I don't want to put all WS at the stake or ok all BS to run around destroying their WS in everyway possible my opinion is often twisted and I am disagreed with, called arrogent, and thought a cheater myself. I'm not. It is just my opinion. And I am free to share it. I will clarify things when I can and this entire post was about my comment and took what I said not the way I intended it.

 

Thank you for clarifying your intent and thoughts regarding this topic and your original post. You are not the only one who has said these things, though, and your comment as it was and as quoted above does in fact indicate that how a BS behaves on dday is a testement to their integrity and coping skills...when it absolutely is not.

 

I do not think BS has a pass to murder or do something extreme in that direction, but my thought is, you play you pay. If you (general you) cheat or assist in said cheating, then you get what you get.

 

BS files for divorce, blasts you on facebook, forces the sale of the business you worked so hard for? Well, you get what you get.

 

BS alerts the employer of WS amd co-worker having sex in the supply closet...supported by video? You play, you pay.

 

AP gets punched in the face by BS after brazenly talking ish to BS? Lol ya, You get it.

 

When you are involved in the deception and destruction of someones life, there will be consequences. Like I said, murder or serious physical harm is not okay. But to say that someones behavior on dday is a testement to who they are is bull dooky, and I dont care if you were a BS, OW, WS, or bystander. That is an ignorant statement.