marym2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Hi guys! This is my first post in this site. I hope to get some advice and insight by posting my story. I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of 3 1/2 years this past Friday. I decided to do this after much consideration because I felt like my boyfriend is a demanding person and he was taking all my energy by not letting me be myself. This is what I mean: he gets very stressed about all the little things in life, like traffic, working too much, I guess we all get stressed but he takes the stress home and makes my life miserable, he just can't let it go; he also wants to go to sleep at 10pm and if I want to stay awake I have to go to the living room because if not he would blame it on me the fact that he hasn't slept all night. He gets annoyed by everything, if I cry, if I don't go to the gym, if I eat fattening stuff. He has even told me that my body has many flaws and that I need to work out more to have the body that he wants. He claims he loves me and before this break-up we had a very very deep conversation where I told him all of this and told him that if he did not change we would break up for good, he told me he would change and although he did improve I still saw things in him that I didn't approve of. Now this is my dilemma. We talked today because he called me and misses me. He told me he loves me and wants me back no matter what. We talked about all these things again, he agrees that he has been a jerk, but he also thinks these are fixable things that we can fix with love and by being together. He says that he sees me as the mother of his kids and his partner for his whole life and that he never thought we would be apart. Aside those issues we had a great relationship,I knew I could count on him for anything and everything. We in fact make a good couple, have great chemistry, we share responsibilities and get along well in all other aspects. I asked him for a week to think things thoroughly, I came up with this break up for a reason and that reason cannot be solved in 2 days. I miss him a lot and everything around the house reminds me of him (I stayed in our apartment)) but I'm not sure if I love him as I should. I feel like our next step is getting married and he wants to get married, but I'm not sure if I want to. Right now, I don't see myself living my life with a man like him that controls my weight and my body and that demands that I do things his way, I don't want to get back together because I'm lonely and because I don't think I can get another man that loves me like he does, I am young and I feel I still have time to restart my life. I don't know what to do, he seems genuinely sorry and willing to change, but I don't want to get back together for then things to continue the way they were, and also I don't know if I wish to get back or just stay single for a while. Like I said I missed him and felt terrible until he called me and then I don't know what to feel. Please help! Thank you. PS: I'm 26 and he is 32.
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 He has even told me that my body has many flaws and that I need to work out more to have the body that he wants. Bye bye. Dealbreaker. 2
tlegend Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 You should re-read your post and ask yourself why you would even give that guy the time of day.
stillafool Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 If you don't love him and he gets on your nerves by being too demaning, why on earth would you give him another chance?
Zahara Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 He gets annoyed by everything, if I cry, if I don't go to the gym, if I eat fattening stuff. He has even told me that my body has many flaws and that I need to work out more to have the body that he wants. Dealbreaker. The body he wants...pffft. Imagine what would happen after you get married -- gain a few pounds and some stretch marks after the baby! 1
Sleepyhead Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 No! The irritability thing is a red flag, but can be fixed sometimes with a genuine heart to heart talk about it and maybe cognitive behavioral therapy. But the thing about him wanting you to change your body for him just sounds dickish! Believe me when I say this, there are people out there who will love you just the way you are and not want you to change one bit. Forget this guy.
Solcita2 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I don't think everything is black or white... as I don't believe he was a total idi*t... Even when he does has his flaws, for some reason he was your bf for 3 and a half years, for some reason you were living together... I think you already know the answer to your own question. However I'd advice you that if you do give him another chance I would put the condition of doing therapy. Things won't get better in two days as you stated but can be improved. Do you love him? If he does change those flaws you mentioned, would you see him as the father of your children? How would you feel if you're a lesson he had to learn and in his next relationship he's himself except those two flaws you mentioned? If you answer this question with a "I'd kick myself for not being patient enough" I'd suggest giving him a second chance WITH therapy (that would be the sign that he really wants to improve and wants to be with you... you have to point that you were not happy with him because of those flaws and only that). I wouldn't take him back without a big change... as therapy... If your answer is a "I'd be happy for him, for finally being able to relax and being happy with another person" then I'd suggest you to move on and be very clear with him. I wish you the best!
Author marym2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Wow guys thank you for your advices and for taking the time to read and help me clear my mind. I must say I asked myself all those questions and the answers always pointed to the fact than I no longer wanna be in this relationship. He is a good person I know that, even though he has many flaws, but we are not meant for each other. I talked to him today about breaking up for good and he was very mean and hurtful, called every name there is for a dumper like me, I feel bad but I understand he is hurt and I don't blame him for all the name calling. I hope we both get closure and I hope we learn from this experience to be better in our future. Thank you guys and good luck to you! 1
Tayla Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 The deal breaker....telling the beloved to "change". Modify the behavior, sure, but anyone that makes ultimatums is sure to lose...no one likes to be pushed into a no win situation. As to the lady....As much as his persnickity ways irratate the relations....Has any suggestions or supportive actions been taken to adjust his moods....I know many men that dread coming home to a moody wife....You , sadly get to be with a moody man....Reckon times are a changing.... Consider this: take a month away from one another....then go out on a date with him, if he has shown some efforts in "changing".....then let it grow from there....
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