jessiej Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I dated a guy for 3 years, and he dumped me over the phone about 3 months ago. He was very cruel during the break up, calling me a lot of names and screaming at me and saying he didn't love me and regretted the whole relationship, and basically told me he cheated on me and was already with someone else the day after we broke up. He was my first love, and first everything. Although I loved him alot, I know deep down he didn't treat me right, he was really abusive. So i don't understand why I can't seem to move on. I reconnected with all of my friends that I lost during the abusive relationship, and i've been doing a lot of things for myself to try and move on. I've been going out a lot, spending time with family, doing things I enjoy, I even got a puppy. I deleted his number and blocked him off facebook. For some reason, he is still all I think about all day every day. I miss him so much and don't know how to deal with it all. I try to focus on the bad things he did to me, but I still find myself being upset over everything and missing him, and almost everynight I dream about us getting back together. How do I get passed all of this? I've tried all the advice people have given me, and I just want to feel okay again, but i'm still spending almost everynight crying over this guy. When will this stop?!
treezy Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I'm sorry about your breakup. Trust me, it will take a long time. I'm not trying to scare you or anything, I'm just trying to be realistic here. Despite every online resource saying it takes only one month, truth is, one month is only enough for you to start feeling the pain. But good news is, when you feel the pain it means you're finally into the grieving process, and you can be healed. I've been broken up for a year now, been called all sorts of nasty stuff too. Only now did I start to feel a little bit of progress. Please stay strong. Remember, this too shall pass. 2
carriel Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I am a college student and have seen soo many girls, including myself, go through difficult break ups. To me, it almost hurts more than a death because you know that they are alive and not only can they live without you, but they would rather. It is hard to remember when you are feeling very hurt, but you deserve what you give. It sounds like you were very giving and this man was still cruel to you. Tell yourself that you cannot waste your time on someone who considered your relationship disposable. His relationship with this new girl is probably not very great, as he doesn't sound like he is quite the catch. Despite the tears, consider yourself better off. Now another girl is dealing with the pain he causes through mistreatment -- not just through absence. There is light at the end of the tunnel and time -- i don't know how much exactly-- is the only way to get over things like this. There are plenty of wonderful guys out there looking for wonderful girls like you! Next time, the first (or perhaps second given circumstances) a guy treats you with disrespect, give him the boot. In the long run, it will save you a lot of pain and suffering. Once you find someone who treats you the way you deserve, you will be so happy that you got rid of this loser (loser because he chafed, yelled, and called you cruel names) and with a guy who appreciates the great girl he's got! xx good luck if you feel like moping ever the song all i want by kodaline is a good one haha 2
Kalinka1 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I think it also has a lot to do with what you mentioned - you were a victim of his abuse, and this forms kind of an addiction in some way. Now I haven't been with an abusive guy, but with a very selfish one, still I think the mechanism that comes into play after a BU is quite similar, albeit when it comes to abuse even more extreme: we feel like we were giving so much, putting up with so much crap, and then we got the boot and it is even more hurtful, because everything we had to endure/give just seems like such a waste. I think this is what hurts, and what remains - the pain after the break-up - is not so much about the guy (who was a douchebag), but about never even having gotten any sort of validation. I think even if we were the once dumping Mr Abuse/Selfishness, that would have given us some sort of validation, but no - we were there to support and endure, and all we got was being thrown away. So stop thinking about him and the efforts you made to stay with him, you are so much better off without him. You don't need his BS behaviour. Get empowered by knowing that you are a good person and you can deal with difficult people, but they are not worth any of your pain and again - you are better off without this person in your life! 1
absoluteshock Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Hello it sounds like you were in an abusive relationship and somehow you are in the stage of missing him and thinking about him instead of thinking about yourself and what you really want. Read up about stockholm syndrome - it's a real thing and it makes victims actually really fall for their abusers and it will show you the signs and maybe will help you to pull away. good luck!
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