new here,and a bs want input from ow

[snappytomcat]

hello all,my pain isn't so raw as it was since dday,was in june 2013,and im not here to judge I just want some input on this,its hard for me,as ive never posted on any kind of forum,not even pet ones,and I love animals,i don't even know where to begin,so please be patient with me if im all over the place,so a little about me and ws,weve been married for 19 years but dated 2 years before *that,we have 2 grown children,and a precious 9 month old grandson.

so I found out in june that my husband who I trusted more than anyone in my life had betrayed me,he met someone playing cards online,they talked about a year,and then she bought and sent him an expensive computer,and hubby said that was it,he was hooked,she lives 2000 miles away,and they saw each other 3 times in 3 years,so to make a long story short,i found gretting cards she had sent him,thats how I found out,of course he begged for me to stay,that she meant nothing,same sh*they all say,and I have chosen to work on my marriage,as I know we both at fault for trouble in marriage,and its been hard at times I feel crazy and I get jealous at things that would have never bothered me before,i hate that.and he told me the whole time they where together she kept telling him he needs to work things out with me,and then when he taked her advice,and does that,she decided she was going to attack,and cyber stalk me,she sent me 80 email in one day pics of them together,text they had exchanged,i never responded,then she starts threatening my kids which really pissed me off,it took so much not to respond,and I never have,but she wont stop,i just read most ow on here say they would never contact bs,so just want to ask why do you think shes attacking me,ive never did anything to her,is she crazy?oh and on a quick note affaoring down applies here,i know it doesn't in every situation,but shes 12 years,older than me 80 pounds heavier,and very needy,she threatened suicside when hubby tried to break things off,and begged him to at least talke to once a day all she needed was to hear his voice once a day,and she would be ok,is this crazy to you all?

[happy stillmore]

Yikes, she does sound like she has psych issues. Seriously. I'm sorry you have to deal with that on top of the betrayal. Look, I was a former MOW and I would never have done anything like that to my xMM's wife. I hated the fact that I knew his wife was hurting. I think this OW is trying to get you angry enough to kick your husband out so she can have him. I would go to the police about this situation. She sounds scary to me.

[snappytomcat]

I see you've said that "you're working on the marriage", is your husband committed to that as well? Yes, she sounds off kilter, but her crazy behavior might be because your husband is telling her the typical things MM tell OW to keep stringing them along. Is the affair over?

I know hes not stringing her along,and sometimes she even email telling tell your coward husband to answer my calls,so that's one way I know,but I believe in my heart hes not,and im not being naïve,he hasn't got off easy,hes still making it up to me,and hes really remorseful

[Lady2163]

I'm truly sorry you are going through that.

 

Possible things you can do -

 

Change your phone numbers and email address - reduce your online "footprint"

 

I agree that your husband should be the one to fix this, he should try talking to her, tell her point blank, it is over. He should give her NO false hope. None. Even if you at this time, think you might not make it through this and will divorce, he needs to tell her it isn't going to happen.

 

IF she threatens suicide, absolutely, positively, CALL HER LOCAL POLICE. They will do a welfare check and if they don't think she's safe, she will be involuntarily transported to the hospital.

 

Have your husband call her parents or significant person at tell them he needs their help.

 

Your husband needs to be firm, not cruel, but really needs to be cautious about expressing too much compassion. Man, it hurts to type that. But, I can't stress enough that there needs to be no hope.

 

"I'm not leaving my wife. I do love her and I made a horrible mistake being with you. I'm not proud of the damage I've done to you or my wife, but I'm not leaving her for you. You deserve someone who doesn't just offer you crumbs and I'm not going to be the one who is offering you anything, anymore. If you ever cared for me, you will let me live my life and repair my marriage. That is what I truly want"

 

There is nothing YOU can say to her that will make it better. I predict everything you say or respond will only make it worse.

 

Lastly, contact a lawyer. Get the ball rolling in however the legal arena can help you.

 

Rejection sucks. This is her emotion, just as painful as betrayal.

[goodyblue]

Lady has it right on. Don't put up with that garbage. The thing is, your husband should be addressing this, it should not be something you have to deal with. Have HIM call her local police.

[Popsicle]

Because she's cray cray

 

And yes your husband should be handling all of this and calling the police. He is responsible for this happening so he should deal with this mess, and in a way that makes you comfortable.

[whichwayisup]

Call the cops, forward everything to them and order a restraining order against her. Get the paper work started to protect yourself in case she hops on a plane and does something she'll land in jail for.

 

She is unbalanced. Who knows if it's just that she truly fell in love with your husband and he *may* have led her on, made her believe they had a future. Some women take that so deeply and believe, so when it comes out that isn't the case, they lose it and go nuts, act out and do/say things they normally wouldn't do but are pushed past their emotional limit.

 

Is your husband really remorseful or is he just sorry he got caught? He needs to prove to you he is worthy of a chance to make things right and regain your trust again. He hurt and betrayed you and unless he is willing to do everything it takes, be weary.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Lady used way too many words.

 

Do not contact either of us through any means. If it continues we will use legal means to have it stopped.

 

 

That is all it needs to say.

 

 

The more you write, the more she will have to respond to.

[krazikat]

I see you've said that "you're working on the marriage", is your husband committed to that as well? Yes, she sounds off kilter, but her crazy behavior might be because your husband is telling her the typical things MM tell OW to keep stringing them along. Is the affair over?

 

My h fOW acted.crazy to me on dday and for months after and I know for a fact that the.A ended even before dday...so yes there are some crazy ow out there who lose it after dday...and this sounds like one of them. There are a few other BS on here as well who had to deal with looney toons their husbands introduced to their lives unknowingly.

[experiencethedevine]

My h fOW acted.crazy to me on dday and for months after and I know for a fact that the.A ended even before dday...so yes there are some crazy ow out there who lose it after dday...and this sounds like one of them. There are a few other BS on here as well who had to deal with looney toons their husbands introduced to their lives unknowingly.

 

 

 

 

As this............

 

 

Unfortunately, I too had to deal with a very disturbed other woman. I still marvel at my husband's involvement with her, but then it all comes down to that wonderful mirroring of ego's I suspect. Best behaviours and all that.

 

 

she did things that beggared belief, which resulted in her loss of freedom for a term to reflect on her demise.

 

 

As another poster stated, she wants to make you so angry that you will throw him out in the mistaken belief that of course, naturally he will run immediately to her (?)

 

 

You've done the right thing by TOTALLY ignoring her. MAKE your errant husband deal with the fallout of his choices and be sure to seek legal avenues to do so.

 

 

We still get the occasional poke from our delightful OW, but these days we leave it to our solicitor and have a little giggle to ourselves.

 

 

The affair for us was over long, long ago (16 years), but for her, he was a really lucrative prospect. Handsome, 6ft1 tall with a very healthy salary and profession, gregarious and entertaining. all this to a single woman long divorced unable to bear children was evidently worth a gargantuan battle for him to leave his wife despite my husbands consistent refusal.

 

 

Some simply seem unable to rationally recognise they have problems that would benefit from treatment.

[rumbleseat]

She is acting very much like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum because she didn't get her own way. Trying to understand her actions is as simple as that. Unfortunately, unlike a small child, she will do more than stomp her feet and grump about the house...she has the ability to cause a lot of harm

 

if she is going to act like a spoiled child, then treat her like one. Ignore all her attempts to engage and upset you, and go to the police. Part of their mandate is to handle situations like this, and they will, no doubt, have previous experience with it. Make sure you document all her attempts to make unwanted contact, and take this along with you. Let them know she has threatened you and your children, and let them take it from there.

 

I would also speak to a lawyer to find out what other legal options you may have at your disposal.

[Lady2163]

I know it's easy to call the OW crazy, psycho, bunny boiler, etc and it is even tougher for people with a normal thought process to grasp wtf she is thinking.

 

I'm not defending her actions, believe me. Nor have I ever been that far off the deep end. I am guilty of causing an ex-boyfriend to disconnect his phone. He owed me money and failed to pay on time. I wasn't calling him to renew the relationship, I was nagging about the money, which is used to "nest" and move girlfriend into house/marry her within five months of ending a three year relationship with me. After he trashed me with stuff to mutual friends, I gotta lawyer and got my money. He lost his job, not because I ever contacted his work place or anyone he worked with, but he needed a squeaky clean record and finances. I didn't do it because I wanted him to suffer, if I had known he would lose his job, I MAY not have done it.

 

But that's different than your case.

 

What is the OWs motivation?

It could be she wants to ride off into the sunset with your husband.

It could be she wants to make him (and you) hurt the way she does.

It could be rage, with intent to do harm.

 

She isn't in her right mind right now, she isn't processing what has happened. She can't. It is like seeing a horrible tragedy, only to her this is a tragedy she has to live with every minute of every day.

 

Yes, yes, I know, many people may say or think, "she deserves it for getting involved with a married man". But that line of thought won't help her or fix your problem.

 

Not that I'm saying it is your job to help her. But doing anything to aggravate her in her current state will just boomerang. There is nothing you as the betrayed wife can say to her or write to her. Uhm, this looks harsh to me, but she doesn't care about you.

 

It is on your husband. Nobody is going to like this statement, either, but he probably betrayed her - and now in her mind, she has nothing to show for it. Where it can get scary is if that switches to nothing to lose.

 

If this were a perfect world, I'd tell you to sell everything, buy a boat and cruise around the world for a couple of years.

 

Changing your phone numbers and email have already been mentioned. If you have a work email that doesn't filter, all you should have to say to people is you need to change it for 'personal reasons'.

 

I had a former female friend who did something really awful to me. It took a lot of time and effort, but I didn't just block her on Facebook, I blocked every single one of her friends.

 

If it were 20 years ago, I'd tell you to have your husband tell her one of you had been offered a job overseas and you had a neighbor interested in your property and you would be leaving the country in less than a month.

 

But that probably couldn't work now.

 

One other over the top option is to sell your house and sublet or get a friend and family member to have their names on all the bills. Have a PO Box instead of a home address.

 

I know this sounds awful.

 

But here is the sad fact. I actually met my current fwb mm 30 years ago. We had a one hours stand and the next day had a 30 minutes...hummer. We never talked or each other after that. Fast forward 20 years and the Internet is booming. I googled him, was able to determine he was still married and didn't contact him. Fast forward 23 years and I am visiting the same mutual friend. He showed up at the event and we spoke for five minutes. I apologized if I damaged him in any way. We exchanged email addresses. Emails led to phone calls which led to seeing each other which led to the bedroom.

 

I predict both you and your husband have a lot of work ahead of you, rebuilding things. But, I do encourage you to 'disappear' as much as you can.

 

Last thing, as much as this may bother you, your husband needs to "talk" not email her. He needs to let her know the situation is final, without trashing her. He might as well not address any of her current behaviors, as much as he may want to.

 

"I'm staying with my wife. There will not be a divorce. I can't talk to you or email you ever again...and I'm fine with that, this is what I want."

 

Not...

 

"My wife and I are go to try to work things out."

What she hears: There's a lack of finality. There's a chance it won't work out.

"I can't talk to you or email ever again"

What she hears: Because my wife won't let me, but I will think of you every day and wish I could.

"I'm sorry I hurt you"

I'd do everything in my power not to do this and be with you if I could.

 

Use regret and damage instead of sorry and hurt with her.

 

As always, this is my opinion as an OW, as someone who didn't go 'psycho', but didn't let ex get away with owing me $10,000 and has only a Bacherlors in Psychology.

[Iguanna]

She seems to have some psychological issues. I suggest you gather all your information, the e-mails, the pictures and the threats she made and go to the police. Police takes threats really seriously. Do not contact her at all and find a lawyer to advise you what you can do.

[snappytomcat]

thank you all for your advice,i just took everything to my local sheriffs,and now we have a paper trail,he even said she seems like shes unstable.my husband broke things off with her 3 months before I found out,and he said she was pushing him to work it out with me,so he did he told her he couldn't talk or communicate,with her at all,he needed and wanted to be with his family,and she agreed,and said she would back off,well it didn't last to long,until she started threatening suicide,the thing is when I found out it was my husband I hated,and I called him every awful name in the book,and I even said how dare you string along another woman,you piece of s**t,my rage was focused at him,although she did know what she was getting herself into,but after she started harassing me,and wont leave me alone,i cant stand her,we still have a lot of work to do,taking it one day at a time

[MissBee]

It seems like she is very desperate and a little off center.

 

Many of us have irrational feelings during a breakup and may do some things we regret, but when it gets to cyber stalking, 80 emails a day to the BS, threatening children and threatening suicide, it is apparent that you have issues dealing with your emotions that are beyond the norm.

 

I would continue ignoring her or if you feel unsafe take legal action, as you have proof of her threats and craziness. Also, what is your husband saying about all this? I am strongly of the mind that he should be a united front with you in this and if anyone is gonna say anything to her, he should be the one to ask her to stop.

 

Also...can you block her emails? Does she know where you all live? I would block her from the avenues that I can.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I totally disagree with encouraging the OW behaviour by giving her control over your address, where you go, who you see, responding at all....except stating your legal position.

 

The OWs rights end where yours and your husbands begin. Period.

 

 

If you do not enforce your right to be left alone, it sends a message that "some" contact is allowed, as long as it is in the name of "closure". The OW will then feel the need to respond to anything or everything your husband says about anything.

 

 

People with mental health issues are not helped by giving them a platform. They are helped by you removing yourself from the equation.

 

 

If the OW is sending things directly to you, you have EVERY right to be the one to enforce YOUR boundaries. Your husband should file a separate case against her, if he is also being harassed.

 

 

Her problems are just that...HER problems. She does not have the right to visit them upon you.

 

 

You have enough on your plate, and it is absolutely ridiculous for anyone to suggest that YOU need to think about her feelings. No, you DO NOT, NOR SHOULD YOU.

 

 

You need to focus on you, not those that harmed you.

[krazikat]

But you forgot to mention that both your H and his OW were on DRUGS

 

oP SERIOUSLY as an OW, if you want it dealt with, get your H to deal with it.

 

No, I didnt forget to mention. It was not relevent to this. Why are you having such difficulties facing the fact that there are some crazy ow out there? They did drugs....But not all out druggies, though my husband was a straight up alcoholic. It was a partying thing. She was also a stripper. And a mother. Doesnt take away from the fact that she was a looney toon...and that she had no business calling me over and over and over and calling me names and asking if I liked the taste of her cooch. Or does that sound normal in your world?

[krazikat]

I totally disagree with encouraging the OW behaviour by giving her control over your address, where you go, who you see, responding at all....except stating your legal position.

 

The OWs rights end where yours and your husbands begin. Period.

 

 

If you do not enforce your right to be left alone, it sends a message that "some" contact is allowed, as long as it is in the name of "closure". The OW will then feel the need to respond to anything or everything your husband says about anything.

 

 

People with mental health issues are not helped by giving them a platform. They are helped by you removing yourself from the equation.

 

 

If the OW is sending things directly to you, you have EVERY right to be the one to enforce YOUR boundaries. Your husband should file a separate case against her, if he is also being harassed.

 

 

Her problems are just that...HER problems. She does not have the right to visit them upon you.

 

 

You have enough on your plate, and it is absolutely ridiculous for anyone to suggest that YOU need to think about her feelings. No, you DO NOT, NOR SHOULD YOU.

 

 

You need to focus on you, not those that harmed you.

 

I agree. You have every right to handle this yourself. Many ow may tell you to have your h handle it, but in this situation I would go get her. Gloves off when someone threatens my kids.

[Lady2163]

I totally disagree with encouraging the OW behaviour by giving her control over your address, where you go, who you see, responding at all....except stating your legal position.

 

The OWs rights end where yours and your husbands begin. Period.

 

 

If you do not enforce your right to be left alone, it sends a message that "some" contact is allowed, as long as it is in the name of "closure". The OW will then feel the need to respond to anything or everything your husband says about anything.

 

 

People with mental health issues are not helped by giving them a platform. They are helped by you removing yourself from the equation.

 

 

If the OW is sending things directly to you, you have EVERY right to be the one to enforce YOUR boundaries. Your husband should file a separate case against her, if he is also being harassed.

 

 

Her problems are just that...HER problems. She does not have the right to visit them upon you.

 

 

You have enough on your plate, and it is absolutely ridiculous for anyone to suggest that YOU need to think about her feelings. No, you DO NOT, NOR SHOULD YOU.

 

 

You need to focus on you, not those that harmed you.

 

Anything the BS says or writes to the OW will only make it worse. Much worse.

And I may be reading it wrong, but it sounded like you are encouraging the BS to stand up to the OW and assert herself. Bad, bad idea. That works when the OW is not mentally sick and feels guilty, not when she is mentally ill, angry, abandoned, etc.

 

How the OW feels guides her next action.

 

No guarantees any attempts by the H to get OW to leave them alone, will work, either. But he has a better chance with her.

 

None of these situations has a cookie cutter solution.

[krazikat]

Anything the BS says or writes to the OW will only make it worse. Much worse.

And I may be reading it wrong, but it sounded like you are encouraging the BS to stand up to the OW and assert herself. Bad, bad idea. That works when the OW is not mentally sick and feels guilty, not when she is mentally ill, angry, abandoned, etc.

 

How the OW feels guides her next action.

 

No guarantees any attempts by the H to get OW to leave them alone, will work, either. But he has a better chance with her.

 

None of these situations has a cookie cutter solution.

 

I handled the ow in my sitch and ot worked. My husband believed that the entire reason for her harrassing me was in an attempt to get my h to call her, because she no longer had any way to reach him. This made sense in our sitch.

 

With this one though, it seems the op made the best decision by notifying the police.

[Lady2163]

I'm glad it worked for you, Kat.

 

All we get when we read people's stories online is a snapshot and usually only one side of it.

 

Some people don't wany anyone to know an affair has happened and they don't want to go to the police. "what will people think?"

 

From what was described, I would treat this OW with kid gloves. My options presented avoided the police, but would have possibly involved close friends or family.

[krazikat]

I'm glad it worked for you, Kat.

 

All we get when we read people's stories online is a snapshot and usually only one side of it.

 

Some people don't wany anyone to know an affair has happened and they don't want to go to the police. "what will people think?"

 

From what was described, I would treat this OW with kid gloves. My options presented avoided the police, but would have possibly involved close friends or family.

 

I hear ya, I thought mine was bad but this one is out there. Hopefully op will no longer have to deal with the craziness.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The OWs problems are hers, not for a WS or a BS to have to handle with "kid gloves". The OP children were threatened. No, not going to use kid gloves for that nonsense. Not going to them, their family or friends, I would be going to the police.

 

Stand up? I absolutely would. Lodging a complaint, keeping copies, testifying.....whatever it took, to protect my children and myself.

 

 

Bad idea to assert your right to protect yourself? I could not disagree more.

 

 

How the OW feels has zero bearing on whether or not she is allowed to threaten children and send (80 emails in ONE day) harassing messages. If she needs to be charged, then so be it.

 

 

You CAN NOT reason with crazy.

[Lady2163]

I'm not saying she shouldn't go to the police.

 

But she herself...confronting the OW, responding by email or a phone call is a mistake.

 

Let's see of I can make this clear.

 

It is a mistake for the betrayed spouse to respond or have any communication with the other person, no matter what the other person says or does WHEN the other is quite possibly not of sound mind. Communication or confrontation needs to be left to the cheating spouse and authorities.

 

IF and only IF the married couple does NOT want to use the legal route, there is nothing the betrayed spouse can say to the other that will make the situation better for the marriage if the other does not feel guilty AND if the other is not mentally sound.

 

But, what do I know. 10+ years of working with mentally ill clients means I must not know how to speak to people who are free falling.

 

Next time I get a chance, I will be sure to tell that annoying homeless guy in the park who talks to himself and yells for no reason that he is offensive, needs to get a job and scares children, because I'm imsulted I can't enjoy the park. I mean, he probably won't go off on me with a weapon.

 

Stay away from crazy.

[Lady2163]

A. You're missing the point

B. There needs to be a sarcam font

C. The homeless I have encountered all had a knife or sharp object that could be used a weapon.