Kayla3 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I've been very wishy washy in our relationship. I had wanted to get engaged, then I had doubts, repeat. I'm very confused with my feelings for him. We've been together a little over a year & moved in together after 8 months of dating. I realized after a month, I wasn't financially ready; I'm still in college. I stuck it out though. I'm not here to knit pick my boyfriend's habits, but I've realized after 5 months of living together that he just.. annoys me. I'm kind of a homebody, and he is as well. Before we moved in together, I thought he was more active and neat. He's stuck to the couch on his days off, has bad eating habits, has an infatuation with porn & will lie & hide it, critiques my jeans and a T-shirt attire all the time when he wears whatever & doesn't shower. I feel terrible for saying these things, as I'm sure he's seen habits he doesn't like of mine, but I can tell I don't have much confidence these days. I've gained a lot of weight by mimicking his habits. I realized there was an issue when I enjoyed staying at my mom's for a Couple days & being sad about coming back to the apartment. He is a sweet guy & is always wanting to buy me things, but he is controlling without even realizing it. Anyways, he's been saving money and I realize why, so how do I break it to him that I don't want to get engaged right now without him thinking that I have doubts? Because, I've done this before.. just didn't realize why.
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I think perhaps you need to reconsider the whole relationship. Have you tried speaking to him about his habits? If you don't know after a year if you want to marry them, you won't marry them. It's not that hard. In or out. Lack of personal hygiene, lack of personal care of oneself, lying about porn and critiquing your clothing while not taking care of his own, are all dealbreakers in my book. I wouldn't date him any more, let alone marry him. 3
rooman Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Well, if you can't stand living with him now, picture in your mind the rest of your life. What you don't want to turn into, is his mother or slave to clean up after him, nag him about showering, getting annoyed at the porn he hides (though that could be something you could both do together), etc. If it bothers you this much, you need a big talk about it, or accept the fact he might be this way for the long haul, and make a decision. Being wishy washy about an engagement however, is understandable. The thought of a lifetime with someone can easily get clouded with uncertainty, though it could be your gut telling you what you are telling us now.
legion113 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Take it from someone who knows, when something is ALREADY bothering you when you are living together, it only gets worse when you are married. Everything he's doing right now that annoys you, multiply it 5 fold when you're married, because at that point, he figures he already has you so why make the effort. Just ask yourself..can I live with THIS for the rest of my life? The fact that you liked being at your mom's and dreaded coming home should tell you all you need to know. 4
Els Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Have you talked to him about these issues? If you haven't, it's time to start. IMO you need to reconsider the whole relationship if things don't improve, not just 'slow things down'.
legion113 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Have you talked to him about these issues? If you haven't, it's time to start. IMO you need to reconsider the whole relationship if things don't improve, not just 'slow things down'. I agree, this seems more like a "jump out of the moving car scenario" rather than just slowing it down.
Author Kayla3 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Before we moved in together, we told each other we'd start eating healthier. That hasn't lasted. He knows how much I want to lose weight, but continues to invite us to his parents for dinner or has food ordered when I get home. The porn issue has brought out arguments. He knows I don't agree with it, yet he continues to do it. He promised he'd never do it again, and he's lied twice about it. I've told him time and time again that I'm a bit of a tomboy, but he think I wear those clothes because I'm self conscious about my weight. I am, but that's not my reasoning. The only thing he keeps clean is his car. He's never offered to do dishes or clean the bathroom. I had to put 4 loads of laundry away yesterday, because he never puts things away. He just watched me do it.. I feel like I'm already married. Our lease is up in July, and I'm thinking of moving back home & taking a step back? See if I can come to a realization about my feelings...
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Before we moved in together, we told each other we'd start eating healthier. That hasn't lasted. He knows how much I want to lose weight, but continues to invite us to his parents for dinner or has food ordered when I get home. The porn issue has brought out arguments. He knows I don't agree with it, yet he continues to do it. He promised he'd never do it again, and he's lied twice about it. I've told him time and time again that I'm a bit of a tomboy, but he think I wear those clothes because I'm self conscious about my weight. I am, but that's not my reasoning. The only thing he keeps clean is his car. He's never offered to do dishes or clean the bathroom. I had to put 4 loads of laundry away yesterday, because he never puts things away. He just watched me do it.. I feel like I'm already married. Our lease is up in July, and I'm thinking of moving back home & taking a step back? See if I can come to a realization about my feelings... I think moving out is an excellent idea. I wouldn't be waiting 6 months though. Is there no way you can break it early? He lied about the porn. The porn isn't the dealbreaker, the lying is the dealbreaker. I'd be walking away now.
notthathard Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Reminds me of that new movie 'Don Jon' he lied about porn twice and the girl left. From your post it seems there are more cons than pros in the relationship. As others said I think you need to reassess your relationship, if your away and you feel better than being at home with him then that's a big psychological hint that you don't actually have real feelings for him.
Author Kayla3 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) I think moving out is an excellent idea. I wouldn't be waiting 6 months though. Is there no way you can break it early? He lied about the porn. The porn isn't the dealbreaker, the lying is the dealbreaker. I'd be walking away now. I'm very torn about leaving before the lease is up, because I feel awful about leaving him hanging to pay rent. This would doom our relationship for sure he has told me if I moved out, and I'm still not quite sure what I ultimately want. I've basically been told by other people that he has every right to lie, because I can't control every part of him, and that porn is stupid to break up over. It doesn't change the way I feel about it, it just makes me feel like the bad guy.. Edited January 6, 2014 by Kayla3
Els Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I've basically been told by other people that he has every right to lie, because I can't control every part of him, and that porn is stupid to break up over. It doesn't change the way I feel about it, it just makes me feel like the bad guy.. But it isn't just the porn, is it? He criticizes the clothes you wear, doesn't effing shower, doesn't want to go out on dates and doesn't do anything around the house, ffs. Frankly, I think he needs to grow up a lot more before he qualifies as a decent boyfriend, let alone husband. Your opening post sounds like the gripes someone would legitimately have about a prepubescent son, not a partner. 1
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I've basically been told by other people that he has every right to lie, because I can't control every part of him, and that porn is stupid to break up over. It doesn't change the way I feel about it, it just makes me feel like the bad guy.. How much porn is he looking at? Are we talking 10 mins here or there, or are we talking about hours of porn and he's not actually having sex with you because it interferes with the porn viewing? Has he invited you to look at it with him? Is it particularly offensive, or illegal porn? If he's lookin at it a few minutes here and there, then yes, you might be being a little uptight about it, and it's worth letting go of. But if it's hours a day, that is a problem. Regardless of the porn, he shouldn't lie about it, and you should have an open conversation about it. But as I've said, the no showering thing and criticising my clothes would be an instant dealbreaker. Porn, in small doses, I can live with
Author Kayla3 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 You're right, and it's not just the porn. I've never second guessed throwing on jeans and a T-shirt, until I met him. I feel self conscious and nervous about what he'll say after I'm dressed in.. anything. Like I can't meet his expectations..
Author Kayla3 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 He doesn't do it often, maybe once or twice a week. When I found out he did it while I was in the other room.. available.. is when it became an issue for me. But for the most part, no, it doesn't take over our intimacy.
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 You're right, and it's not just the porn. I've never second guessed throwing on jeans and a T-shirt, until I met him. I feel self conscious and nervous about what he'll say after I'm dressed in.. anything. Like I can't meet his expectations.. Hey, I'm a jeans/t-shirt/sneakers girl too. I glam up with the best of them, but I love those staples of my wardrobe. If I could wear them year round, I'd be so happy. That's not a dealbreaker, in my opinion. So long as you're neat, clean and smelling good, there should be nothing wrong with a pair of properly fitting jeans and a t-shirt.
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 He doesn't do it often, maybe once or twice a week. When I found out he did it while I was in the other room.. available.. is when it became an issue for me. But for the most part, no, it doesn't take over our intimacy. Take the porn issue off the table. You can afford to let that one through. Now the hygiene issue. BIG no no. He should be showering at least once a day. Hair should be shampooed and combed, beard trimmed or shaved, teeth brushed and flossed at least twice a day, and he should be wearing deodorant every day. Anything less - UNACCEPTABLE! 1
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Yep personal hygiene is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn`t care how attractive i found someone if they were nasally challenged to me then no. Take the porn issue off the table. You can afford to let that one through. Now the hygiene issue. BIG no no. He should be showering at least once a day. Hair should be shampooed and combed, beard trimmed or shaved, teeth brushed and flossed at least twice a day, and he should be wearing deodorant every day. Anything less - UNACCEPTABLE! 1
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