Ex in new relationship - Am I doing the right thing?

[sugarpea]

Hello

 

Really new to this but finding that speaking to friends and family about this is doing more damage than good. So I thought a forum may help, and I'm pretty sure he won't find this.

 

So ...long story short. My ex (27 now 28) broke up with me (24 now 25) Jan 2013, from a 6 year long term relationship. We were living together (2 years roughly) and basically his family was hinting a lot at marriage and babies which we were not ready for. Anyway that was not the reason we broke up it was several, he wasn't in love with me anymore, we weren't growing together as a couple and he couldn't deal with my depression anymore.

 

I complain a lot, I don't think it was depression. I am fine now. Anyway... he broke up with me but really I had to break up with him cause he couldn't finish the job, after laying on me that he wasn't happy in the relationship. So I made a sacrifice because I loved him that much and wanted him to be happy, above anything else, and then he had the guts to call it a mutual decision:lmao:.

 

Anyway we then went through a period of fwb, until early September when he broke it off, and told me that we were slipping back into old patterns and well I need time to get over him. (He actually met a girl (21 now 22) late August-she was over on holiday). Two weeks later I find out that he is abroad on holiday to see this girl for about a week.

 

Not sure if this is rebound? - Please can I have opinions on this?

Could this be a quarter-life crisis?

 

He's been over twice: that time in September and again in for a month (xmas and new year). She's been over late October and early December. So they were dating long distance.

 

Anyway they made it official in December after 4months of dating, he even changed his fb status! We didn't do that we kept ours hidden for ourselves, mainly because we didn't need the world to know we were together, we knew it and the photos showed it. He's met her family. She's met some of his (not willingly -he brought her over one day without letting them know, I am still in touch with his family - as kids are involved). I think she is looking to study here and live at his place. He's helping her get into university.

 

I am currently doing no contact as we haven't really had that over the year. I think he just tried being friends straight away and I was so broken by the breakup that I just agreed. He's my first which makes it all the more difficult. Is this the right course of action?

 

I think I'm ok now. I feel a lot less jealous about the relationship and really to be honest not too sure what I need to be jealous about yet, she cannot replace a 6 year relationship, well not yet anyway.

 

I would like to be with him again some day, I don't know when but I feel that both of us have a lot of growing up to do before this so would like to not cut off all ties.

 

:(Also I accidentally asked for some photos back whilst he was away and have made all the stupid mistakes you're not supposed to make post break-up. Still first time, just feel so inexperienced.

 

Also should I tell him I forgive him for his mistakes post breakup -he made a lot of them and then he said he won't forgive himself for them. I mean I sent an email already about how I will forgive him eventually and that he should forgive himself, so that should be enough right?

 

Thanks for reading, any help greatly appreciated!

Edited January 5, 2014 by sugarpea

[Philosoraptor]

You need to take your focus off of him as that's your issue entirely. You continue to pay attention to his life and focus on getting him back versus taking care of yourself.

 

No, you should not make any contact with him until you are 100% healed and over the relationship. It will only continue to bring suffering to your life.

[David87]

Hello

 

Really new to this but finding that speaking to friends and family about this is doing more damage than good. So I thought a forum may help, and I'm pretty sure he won't find this.

 

So ...long story short. My ex (27 now 28) broke up with me (24 now 25) Jan 2013, from a 6 year long term relationship. We were living together (2 years roughly) and basically his family was hinting a lot at marriage and babies which we were not ready for. Anyway that was not the reason we broke up it was several, he wasn't in love with me anymore, we weren't growing together as a couple and he couldn't deal with my depression anymore.

 

I complain a lot, I don't think it was depression. I am fine now. Anyway... he broke up with me but really I had to break up with him cause he couldn't finish the job, after laying on me that he wasn't happy in the relationship. So I made a sacrifice because I loved him that much and wanted him to be happy, above anything else, and then he had the guts to call it a mutual decision:lmao:.

 

Anyway we then went through a period of fwb, until early September when he broke it off, and told me that we were slipping back into old patterns and well I need time to get over him. (He actually met a girl (21 now 22) late August-she was over on holiday). Two weeks later I find out that he is abroad on holiday to see this girl for about a week.

 

Not sure if this is rebound? - Please can I have opinions on this?

Could this be a quarter-life crisis?

 

He's been over twice: that time in September and again in for a month (xmas and new year). She's been over late October and early December. So they were dating long distance.

 

Anyway they made it official in December after 4months of dating, he even changed his fb status! We didn't do that we kept ours hidden for ourselves, mainly because we didn't need the world to know we were together, we knew it and the photos showed it. He's met her family. She's met some of his (not willingly -he brought her over one day without letting them know, I am still in touch with his family - as kids are involved). I think she is looking to study here and live at his place. He's helping her get into university.

 

I am currently doing no contact as we haven't really had that over the year. I think he just tried being friends straight away and I was so broken by the breakup that I just agreed. He's my first which makes it all the more difficult. Is this the right course of action?

 

I think I'm ok now. I feel a lot less jealous about the relationship and really to be honest not too sure what I need to be jealous about yet, she cannot replace a 6 year relationship, well not yet anyway.

 

I would like to be with him again some day, I don't know when but I feel that both of us have a lot of growing up to do before this so would like to not cut off all ties.

 

:(Also I accidentally asked for some photos back whilst he was away and have made all the stupid mistakes you're not supposed to make post break-up. Still first time, just feel so inexperienced.

 

Also should I tell him I forgive him for his mistakes post breakup -he made a lot of them and then he said he won't forgive himself for them. I mean I sent an email already about how I will forgive him eventually and that he should forgive himself, so that should be enough right?

 

Thanks for reading, any help greatly appreciated!

 

You have to look at this situation as a step in the ladder caled life, learn fron this experiance and move to the next, don't get stuck in the past. If he wants you back he knows how to find you and then you should think really hard if you want him or not.

 

Usually you don't end up with your first love.

[stillafool]

Do you have kids with him? If so, you really can't do NC.

 

When you ask should you tell him you forgive him for his mistakes.... What were his mistakes? Forgiveness would depend on what he did and since you didn't tell us, we don't know how to advise you?

 

What does this mean?

 

:(Also

I accidentally asked for some photos back whilst he was away and have made all

the stupid mistakes you're not supposed to make post break-up. Still first time,

just feel so inexperienced.

 

How do you accidentally ask for photos back? Please explain.

 

As far as the new girl is concerned - if he has made her his gf she must be important to him otherwise she would be his FWB. I wouldn't really call this a rebound relationship because the two of you have been broken up for a year. Considering that he is helping her to get into school and she will be living with him tells me he is serious about her. I doubt if she asked to come live with him. She is very young and is probably doing what he suggests. Do not be so cocky as to think this girl can't make him get over a 6 year relationship, afterall he is moving her in with him and helping her to get into a university so he must be quite smitten. Also he did tell you he was no longer in love with you. I think you should start seeing other people and try to move on with your life because it certainly seems that he has moved on with his.

Edited January 6, 2014 by stillafool

[Amaury]

You know way too much about his life, you need to let him go and move on. If he has met her parents and she met his and they are considering moving in together then trust me its not a rebound its serious, if not they would've just messed around untill they got bored. Im sorry to say it but sometimes its best to hear it, but I dont see you guys getting back together, learn from this and you will get over him eventually and become a stronger person, focus on yourself, do the things you love, hang out with friends, go to the gym, get a hobbie, date around, what ever will make you happy and it will lead you to the right person one day. Dont waste another second wondering maybe or what if, unless HE comes crawling back its over. Plus its like someone said you normally dont stay with your first, it just seems harder to move on because he is all you kno, but someone else will come along that you will feel closer to.

[sugarpea]

Do you have kids with him? If so, you really can't do NC.

 

When you ask should you tell him you forgive him for his mistakes.... What were his mistakes? Forgiveness would depend on what he did and since you didn't tell us, we don't know how to advise you?

 

What does this mean?

 

 

 

How do you accidentally ask for photos back? Please explain.

 

As far as the new girl is concerned - if he has made her his gf she must be important to him otherwise she would be his FWB. I wouldn't really call this a rebound relationship because the two of you have been broken up for a year. Considering that he is helping her to get into school and she will be living with him tells me he is serious about her. I doubt if she asked to come live with him. She is very young and is probably doing what he suggests. Do not be so cocky as to think this girl can't make him get over a 6 year relationship, afterall he is moving her in with him and helping her to get into a university so he must be quite smitten. Also he did tell you he was no longer in love with you. I think you should start seeing other people and try to move on with your life because it certainly seems that he has moved on with his.

 

Well he apologised for the way things ended so the fact that he made the responsibility mine. So if I didn't end it he would be depressed. He apologised that I didn't have time to get over him as we were straight into friends with benefits and then broke it off, and in just two weeks went with this girl.

 

Actually it was the girl's idea and I wasn't being cocky you can't just replace a 6 year thing within 4months. You try to live 6 years of your life in 4months. I can tell he is smitten with her, which is why they made it official.

 

I am moving on, hence the no contact and not waiting around.

 

Also no they aren't our kids.(niece and nephews)

Edited January 6, 2014 by sugarpea

[sugarpea]

You know way too much about his life, you need to let him go and move on. If he has met her parents and she met his and they are considering moving in together then trust me its not a rebound its serious, if not they would've just messed around untill they got bored. Im sorry to say it but sometimes its best to hear it, but I dont see you guys getting back together, learn from this and you will get over him eventually and become a stronger person, focus on yourself, do the things you love, hang out with friends, go to the gym, get a hobbie, date around, what ever will make you happy and it will lead you to the right person one day. Dont waste another second wondering maybe or what if, unless HE comes crawling back its over. Plus its like someone said you normally dont stay with your first, it just seems harder to move on because he is all you kno, but someone else will come along that you will feel closer to.

 

I know, well she hasn't met his parents yet.

 

Yeah, I am moving on just wondering if that is the right thing to do - no contact I mean but I guess from the suggestions here, yes.

[stillafool]

 

Actually it was the girl's idea and I wasn't being cocky you can't just replace a 6 year thing within 4months. You try to live 6 years of your life in 4months. I can tell he is smitten with her, which is why they made it official.

 

 

I was married for that long to my first husband and when it was over, I was well over it. I was no longer in love with him. If he told you he wasn't in love with you anymore then he is over you too.

[sugarpea]

Just to say you don't know him, you don't know me. You're speaking from your own experience, just cause you felt that way doesn't mean that everyone is also the same. Not everyone is like you.

[BC1980]

Just to say you don't know him, you don't know me. You're speaking from your own experience, just cause you felt that way doesn't mean that everyone is also the same. Not everyone is like you.

 

Most of these stories play out the same way, so a lot of the advice is spot on. I also thought my relationship was different, and so have many others. The truth is that your relationship isn't different or special. When someone says it's over, it's over. I'm really sorry because I know you don't want to accept this. I had a really difficult time accepting my breakup as well, and I stayed in contact with my ex for months.

 

I held out all this hope even though I would say I was moving on. It was a disastrous decision, and your decision to stay in contact has had disastrous consequences as well. You haven't even started the grieving process because you're in denial. You are in denial that it is over for good. Just like it was my fault I stayed in contact with my ex, it is your fault that you did not go NC at the start. You can't blame that on him.

 

You are spending entirely too much time worrying about him. Your posts are all about his life, his motives, his new girlfriend, ect. You broke up a year ago. You are still living in the past and flogging a dead horse when this relationship is dead. You have to stop now and definitely go NC. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's for the best if you have any hope of moving on. People who have been together far longer than 6 years break up, get divorced, and have new relationships all the time. I'm sure he didn't take this decision to break up lightly.

Edited January 9, 2014 by BC1980

[sugarpea]

Thanks for your reply BC1980.

 

I understand and have moved on from this, have accepted it and doing fine. Just people don't have to be so bloody harsh about it. Just cause I don't share any sad emotions on this doesn't mean I'm a freaking robot.

 

Also have moved on.. this was last year.

[HeartinPain]

The sad reality of this is that he strung you along for almost a year until he found someone else. Your mistake was not going NC right away after the breakup. He didn't want a relationship with you, but still wanted you as a safety net/backup.

 

I feel for you.. I really do. However, the constant contact you made with him as fwb, he never even had a chance to miss you or see how life was without you. He had no reason to be in a official relationship with you when he was still getting the physical and emotional aspects of a relationship without being tied down.

 

You need to cut contact and go complete NC so that you can finally grieve the relationship and heal. A lot of damage has already been done.

[stillafool]

Just to say you don't know him, you don't know me. You're speaking from your own experience, just cause you felt that way doesn't mean that everyone is also the same. Not everyone is like you.

 

 

Of course I don't know either of you. You came to a public forum to ask opinions about the relationship with your ex. I gave you mine and you didn't like it or don't want to accept it. That's fine with me but don't get upset when you don't hear what you want to hear on a public forum. You know him better than me/us, so if you think he is still in love with you the way you are with him then all the best to you both. If you are so sure he still wants you go and get him.

[BC1980]

Thanks for your reply BC1980.

 

I understand and have moved on from this, have accepted it and doing fine. Just people don't have to be so bloody harsh about it. Just cause I don't share any sad emotions on this doesn't mean I'm a freaking robot.

 

Also have moved on.. this was last year.

 

I hope you have moved on, but I think you have a tough road ahead of you. I do feel for you because I've been where you are. Some of my worst times were months after the breakup when I truly accepted it. You've suffered a big loss, so don't underestimate it.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Hello

 

Really new to this but finding that speaking to friends and family about this is doing more damage than good. So I thought a forum may help, and I'm pretty sure he won't find this.

 

So ...long story short. My ex (27 now 28) broke up with me (24 now 25) Jan 2013, from a 6 year long term relationship. We were living together (2 years roughly) and basically his family was hinting a lot at marriage and babies which we were not ready for. Anyway that was not the reason we broke up it was several, he wasn't in love with me anymore, we weren't growing together as a couple and he couldn't deal with my depression anymore.

 

I complain a lot, I don't think it was depression. I am fine now. Anyway... he broke up with me but really I had to break up with him cause he couldn't finish the job, after laying on me that he wasn't happy in the relationship. So I made a sacrifice because I loved him that much and wanted him to be happy, above anything else, and then he had the guts to call it a mutual decision:lmao:.

 

Anyway we then went through a period of fwb, until early September when he broke it off, and told me that we were slipping back into old patterns and well I need time to get over him. (He actually met a girl (21 now 22) late August-she was over on holiday). Two weeks later I find out that he is abroad on holiday to see this girl for about a week.

 

Not sure if this is rebound? - Please can I have opinions on this?

Could this be a quarter-life crisis?

 

He's been over twice: that time in September and again in for a month (xmas and new year). She's been over late October and early December. So they were dating long distance.

 

Anyway they made it official in December after 4months of dating, he even changed his fb status! We didn't do that we kept ours hidden for ourselves, mainly because we didn't need the world to know we were together, we knew it and the photos showed it. He's met her family. She's met some of his (not willingly -he brought her over one day without letting them know, I am still in touch with his family - as kids are involved). I think she is looking to study here and live at his place. He's helping her get into university.

 

I am currently doing no contact as we haven't really had that over the year. I think he just tried being friends straight away and I was so broken by the breakup that I just agreed. He's my first which makes it all the more difficult. Is this the right course of action?

 

I think I'm ok now. I feel a lot less jealous about the relationship and really to be honest not too sure what I need to be jealous about yet, she cannot replace a 6 year relationship, well not yet anyway.

 

I would like to be with him again some day, I don't know when but I feel that both of us have a lot of growing up to do before this so would like to not cut off all ties.

 

:(Also I accidentally asked for some photos back whilst he was away and have made all the stupid mistakes you're not supposed to make post break-up. Still first time, just feel so inexperienced.

 

Also should I tell him I forgive him for his mistakes post breakup -he made a lot of them and then he said he won't forgive himself for them. I mean I sent an email already about how I will forgive him eventually and that he should forgive himself, so that should be enough right?

 

Thanks for reading, any help greatly appreciated!

 

I agree with all the other posters, and echo the sentiment that you need to start making steps to move forward instead of being so focused on him and him life. It definitely seems like this new girl of his is not a rebound, and you shouldn't dismiss their connection. This is because if he is ready to have her move in with him, he is in the same emotional place with her after four months as he was with you after however many years it took him to move in with you.

 

I don't say any of this to be harsh, I actually sympathise with you greatly and was once in this situation myself. You say that you've moved past this, but you obviously haven't. You're still very wrapped up in his emotions, worrying about hm knowing you forgive him and hoping one day you can be together again. You really need to be focusing on yourself right now, trying not to know so much about his life, until you reach the point where you don't care. Because until you are ambivalent about it all, this situation will keep coming back in waves to devastate you and will hinder you growing in the ways you ought to.

[Fufu]

Hello

 

Really new to this but finding that speaking to friends and family about this is doing more damage than good. So I thought a forum may help, and I'm pretty sure he won't find this.

 

So ...long story short. My ex (27 now 28) broke up with me (24 now 25) Jan 2013, from a 6 year long term relationship. We were living together (2 years roughly) and basically his family was hinting a lot at marriage and babies which we were not ready for. Anyway that was not the reason we broke up it was several, he wasn't in love with me anymore, we weren't growing together as a couple and he couldn't deal with my depression anymore.

 

I complain a lot, I don't think it was depression. I am fine now. Anyway... he broke up with me but really I had to break up with him cause he couldn't finish the job, after laying on me that he wasn't happy in the relationship. So I made a sacrifice because I loved him that much and wanted him to be happy, above anything else, and then he had the guts to call it a mutual decision:lmao:.

 

Anyway we then went through a period of fwb, until early September when he broke it off, and told me that we were slipping back into old patterns and well I need time to get over him. (He actually met a girl (21 now 22) late August-she was over on holiday). Two weeks later I find out that he is abroad on holiday to see this girl for about a week.

 

Not sure if this is rebound? - Please can I have opinions on this?

Could this be a quarter-life crisis?

 

He's been over twice: that time in September and again in for a month (xmas and new year). She's been over late October and early December. So they were dating long distance.

 

Anyway they made it official in December after 4months of dating, he even changed his fb status! We didn't do that we kept ours hidden for ourselves, mainly because we didn't need the world to know we were together, we knew it and the photos showed it. He's met her family. She's met some of his (not willingly -he brought her over one day without letting them know, I am still in touch with his family - as kids are involved). I think she is looking to study here and live at his place. He's helping her get into university.

 

I am currently doing no contact as we haven't really had that over the year. I think he just tried being friends straight away and I was so broken by the breakup that I just agreed. He's my first which makes it all the more difficult. Is this the right course of action?

 

I think I'm ok now. I feel a lot less jealous about the relationship and really to be honest not too sure what I need to be jealous about yet, she cannot replace a 6 year relationship, well not yet anyway.

 

I would like to be with him again some day, I don't know when but I feel that both of us have a lot of growing up to do before this so would like to not cut off all ties.

 

:(Also I accidentally asked for some photos back whilst he was away and have made all the stupid mistakes you're not supposed to make post break-up. Still first time, just feel so inexperienced.

 

Also should I tell him I forgive him for his mistakes post breakup -he made a lot of them and then he said he won't forgive himself for them. I mean I sent an email already about how I will forgive him eventually and that he should forgive himself, so that should be enough right?

 

Thanks for reading, any help greatly appreciated!

 

 

You are still very into him because you seem to very concern what he is doing now and with his new gf.

 

Coming out from a long-term relationship is tough and it takes time. However, it's also time for you to take action to move on with your life, focus on yourself.

 

He made the decision to leave, but you do not have to make the decision to live in the past.

 

Don't even bother sending him the email that you forgive him. (you have to be honest to yourself)

 

The best way of letting go is to move on with your life and your ex is no longer part of your life.

 

 

You are still young, plenty of opportunities to meet someone new when you are ready.

Just to share my previous ex dumped me after a 3 year relationship (we bought engagement rings) It was so sudden, and similar to you in a way I held on to him despite he never wanted to get back with him but have episodes of showing hesitation. I got strung along badly, I blamed him, but in the end I realised I was stringing myself along. I could have say NO and move on but I broke NC and tried to contact him and e-mails, and basically did all the things that prolong my healing process.

 

And I only recovered fully after close to 3 years and now in a brand new relationship.

 

Never take what I've chose to take, it's a mistake. I'm glad I woke up and make the right decision to move on.

 

It's seriously pointless still putting our exes on a pedestal when they no longer feel the same for us, no longer feel the need of working things out. It's tiring to HOPE for a relationship when there isn't anymore.

Edited January 10, 2014 by Fufu