joemax Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I'll try to make a long story short. I am 25, my girlfriend is 21. We've been dating for a little over two years now. I am completely head over heels for her, I am ready to marry this girl one day. I feel like I'm at the point in my life where I know what I want and who I am. I know what to expect from a relationship and expect my significant other to share most, if not all, of my values and morals. We've had some ups and downs. Namely, back in the summer my girlfriend went out with her best friend to some bar downtown and spent a couple of hours with a guy they met there and his friends. They bar hopped, he bought them drinks and whatnot, and they even exchanged numbers (she had told me that it was because he had cats he wanted to get rid of, and she works at the ASPCA). She is very gullible so I don't know if I believe her story or not. I got over that and we moved forward. But then two months ago she went out with her friends again on another infamous "girls night", and this time I was supposed to pick her up. My night ended early with my buddies so I decided to surprise her at the bar and have a drink with her friends and her (because she's told me how she wishes I bonded with her friends more), I walked into the bar and saw what I thought to be some guy dancing with her and her laughing, but as soon as she saw me she ran to me. The whole thing was a couple of seconds so it was hard to understand what really occurred. I was obviously pissed and told her that I expect better from her, that I don't deserve this disrespect. Anyways, fast forward to present-day and this upcoming weekend is another of her friends' birthdays. They are planning another 'girls night' (even though they all have boyfriends) at a downtown club, and my gf wants to go. I am not the kind of guy that will tell his s.o where she can or can't go, but it makes me uncomfortable as hell. If I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with it she'll tell me that she won't go, but will be grumpy and sad about it. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation and don't know what to do here. Are we just not compatible?
georgecostanza Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 'Let' her go. Not that it's your choice. If it bugs you so much that she's hanging out with friends then you aren't compatible. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Both of you are young, especially her. You cannot expect a long-term relationship when she will continue to want to party, and you will try to push the issue of a serious relationship. You just can't force it. My suggestion is just accept it. You can talk to her about it, but you already know what may happen. Have her party, and let yourself party as well.
Joaquin Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Why don't you want her to go out? Do you not trust her? If u start going down the road of trying to regulate a 20 somethings social life by saying u don't want her to go out or do this or that, u are in for a very rocky road. You'll be termed the control freak, mentally abusive etc. And who are u to tell someone else what to do anyway. I presume u still wanna be able to go out with yr buddies? My take is that if u trust and wanna stay with the girl u just sit back, let her do what she wants and see what happens. It's her life after all. 1
shinealight Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Well reading your'e old posts i can see you are frustated that she does not get back to you which is annoying because what if something happend? And it seems like you guys argue which is not a good relationship sign. A good relationship sign is being in love and *happy*. If you are not happy then why wait around? It's 2014!
Kingkaneda Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I think you arent so much annoyed by her having a fun night out with the girls, but more with her having fun with other guys at these nights out. This is totally understandable to me. I wouldnt want to see my girl dancing body to body with some guy. I think you definetly need to let her have her girls nights out. You don´t want to be the boyfriend that forces his girlfriend to stay at home. Because then her friends wont like you, and its pretty important her friends like you. So you probably want to go out with her more also. Then if shes out on a girls night, she will actually miss the sensation of dancing with you and having fun with you. Then she will not want to dance with other guys cause it will betray the fun she has with you. If you never go out dancing with her, it will not feel as much like betrayal to her beacause its not a thing you 2 share. Oh yeah and if you want to bond with her friends more: when you all go out, initiate and pay for a round of shots for all of them.
carhill Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 OP, question: Do her friends, excluding or including their boyfriends/spouses, ever come over and 'hang out' at your place? Do her friends 'know' you, other than instances like your early arrival at the bar to pick her up? It's possible you're at different stages of relationship development. Whether that's terminal is unknown. One thing I am familiar with are the actions of a woman who is, or isn't, in love and possessive of her man. Has she ever unexpectedly encountered you dancing with, speaking to, or laughing with another woman? If yes, what happened?
Elias33 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Looks like you guys have different expectations and priorities in the relationship. A mismatch that you can't really control. You can only choose to stay or go. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 IDK. When you saw her dancing with another guy, it doesn't mean that she was cheating on you. Not to mention that when she saw you she came right over to where you were. From what it sounds like she didn't seem to be hiding anything. A good way to lose someone is by pulling the reigns too hard. Be a different story if this guy while dancing with her had his hands all over her butt. If that happened you would have said that in you thread. So far I don't see anything to worry about. If she starts changing her attitude and the way she acts around you then I would worry. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Who cares? She was sowing her wild oats...doesn't that tell you anything? G 1
ChessPieceFace Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) Can't believe how many people are giving this a pass. I guarantee if the genders were reversed, and someone's BF was blowing her off and caught dancing with other women, 80-90% of the posters would be saying "dump him." OP, is she ever the initiator of these "girls nights out" or does she just go along with them? I'm of the strong opinion that any girl that initiates / calls for a "girl's night out" (whether or not they're messing around with other guys) will simply never be a loyal partner. It shows that her loyalties do not lie with you, and never will. People (of either gender) corrupted by feminism won't understand the above. It's bad behavior, and she clearly has bad friends. But if she's not initiating these girls nights out, it's possible she is being brought to this bad behavior by these bad friends, and could be redeemed. Hard to say. Edited January 6, 2014 by ChessPieceFace
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 OP, I read through some of your previous threads. There is a lot more to this problem than girls' nights out. There seems to be mutual mistrust, and it appears you both have hidden things from each other (i.e. communicating with people when you said you didn't, maybe flirting a little while you were already in a relationship) This most recent issue is just a symptom of a larger problem - you don't trust each other and appear to both want some different from this relationship. Looking at the broader picture, I'd say that yes, you are incompatible. There are too many seeds of doubt in your mind, and it's likely to only get worse. My advice would be to take a step back from the relationship and ask if this is really what you want for yourself. You seem to be at constant odds over whether certain behaviour is appropriate. If it doesn't change, you can either stay and stop complaining about it, or move on and find someone more suited to you.
StanMusial Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I think it's good for the most part for you to have time with your buddies and her to have time with her friends. However, it would bother me if her friends were of a certain type or if all she ever did was party when with her friends. How well do you know her friends? Also, I have seen many, many times girls who were well-intentioned for the most part get themselves into bad situations due to alcohol or running with the wrong crowd. It can actually be reassuring to have your gf go out clubbing or whatever and hear from a trusted third party that she was spurning guys left and right. I've had this happen several times.
Sand Man Dan Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Can't believe how many people are giving this a pass. I guarantee if the genders were reversed, and someone's BF was blowing her off and caught dancing with other women, 80-90% of the posters would be saying "dump him." OP, is she ever the initiator of these "girls nights out" or does she just go along with them? I'm of the strong opinion that any girl that initiates / calls for a "girl's night out" (whether or not they're messing around with other guys) will simply never be a loyal partner. It shows that her loyalties do not lie with you, and never will. People (of either gender) corrupted by feminism won't understand the above. It's bad behavior, and she clearly has bad friends. But if she's not initiating these girls nights out, it's possible she is being brought to this bad behavior by these bad friends, and could be redeemed. Hard to say. I COMPLETELY agree with the bolded. From experience, girls nights out are trouble. My ex used to love to go out and would gaslight me when I'd object to her going with a group of girls to a club in a nearby city. It's trouble. She isn't on the same page as you amigo. This is more than likely an info able incompatibility because of how fundamentally different the thought processes are.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Can't believe how many people are giving this a pass. I guarantee if the genders were reversed, and someone's BF was blowing her off and caught dancing with other women, 80-90% of the posters would be saying "dump him." OP, is she ever the initiator of these "girls nights out" or does she just go along with them? I'm of the strong opinion that any girl that initiates / calls for a "girl's night out" (whether or not they're messing around with other guys) will simply never be a loyal partner. It shows that her loyalties do not lie with you, and never will. People (of either gender) corrupted by feminism won't understand the above. It's bad behavior, and she clearly has bad friends. But if she's not initiating these girls nights out, it's possible she is being brought to this bad behavior by these bad friends, and could be redeemed. Hard to say. I strongly disagree. This assertion speaks of insecurity in the relationship and bad experiences in the past. It also has nothing to do with feminism; that's a weak and unfounded claim and demonstrates a misunderstanding of feminism. Sounds more like you need to find some better-quality women to date who don't use girls' nights out to meet other men. There are plenty of us out there. Raise your standards a bit.
ASG Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Can't believe how many people are giving this a pass. I guarantee if the genders were reversed, and someone's BF was blowing her off and caught dancing with other women, 80-90% of the posters would be saying "dump him." OP, is she ever the initiator of these "girls nights out" or does she just go along with them? I'm of the strong opinion that any girl that initiates / calls for a "girl's night out" (whether or not they're messing around with other guys) will simply never be a loyal partner. It shows that her loyalties do not lie with you, and never will. People (of either gender) corrupted by feminism won't understand the above. It's bad behavior, and she clearly has bad friends. But if she's not initiating these girls nights out, it's possible she is being brought to this bad behavior by these bad friends, and could be redeemed. Hard to say. Er... because it's utter bollocks?!? How does going on a girl's night out mean I'm not a loyal partner?!?! That is the MOST sexist thing I have heard in a long time. And just means you are a jealous control freak who can't deal with a GF who has friends and likes to do things without her BF. (which, BTW, is actually a healthy thing!) 1
ChessPieceFace Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 How does going on a girl's night out mean I'm not a loyal partner?!?! 1.) It demonstrates a separation between a woman's true desires and her BF/husband. It demonstrates camaraderie with women coming before loyalty to her man. You would never tolerate a "guy's night out" involving them dancing with other girls. Women barely tolerate guy's nights out at all, even when it's 100% guys going to a guy's house to do guy stuff. 2.) There's a reason you don't want BFs present, otherwise they wouldn't be excluded. Where do you go? Miniature golfing? Movie theater? Restaurant? No. More likely you go to a club, to have flirtatious encounters with other men, such as the OP's GF does. Again - people corrupted by feminism will never understand how destructive the behavior is. You're so far off the map you can't even see the edge.
ThatMan Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 joemax, It sounds like you've been in a really tough spot. Entertaining the mere act of questioning your compatibility with a woman you'd like to marry is extremely painful and difficult. I'm sorry that you are in this position. It seems almost as though you are navigating around your girlfriend's behavior, trying to keep the peace, and trying to accept her behavior. Looking through this discussion I see some who view your girlfriend being in the right for doing bar hopping. While others view her in the wrong. Right or wrong isn't important. What's important is you, how you feel, and whether or not you are compatible with your girlfriend. I feel like I'm at the point in my life where I know what I want and who I am. I know what to expect from a relationship and expect my significant other to share most, if not all, of my values and morals. Who are you? What do you want in life? What are your values? The harsh reality is that you can continue navigating this tightrope around her behavior, but you cannot make her change herself, even if you've been completely taken by her and want to marry her. How many years do you think this can keep up? I know that if I am married that I would want to be with a woman who I can see myself with for a lifetime. Maybe answering these questions above will help you figure out what's best for you. Knowing what to do doesn't mean you'll be faced with easy decisions, but you need to do the right thing for yourself.
kaylan Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 OP, dump her. She doesn't respect you or your boundaries. She doesn't care about this relationship. Girls and Guys Night Out are ok...but only when the person going out respects their relationship and their partner. Wanna know what Ive seen loyal people do when they go out without their partner? THEY DANCE WITH THEIR SAME SEX FRIENDS (assuming we are talking of straight people). They are NOT dancing up on people of the opposite sex...because we know what bar dancing generally leads to or what the intentions of the other person is. I love going out...I love dancing...but if I met a girl I really liked, I wouldn't be all up on other chicks while Im out with my friends and possibly drinking. DUMP HER...trust me it wont get better. Don't be a wishful drama queen lecturing her and hoping she will change. Just bail now.
CptSaveAho Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 lol a 21 year old on a "girls night out" just dump her and move forward if you want a serious relationship with her... shes not going to be faithful or wanting a serious relationship
Zahara Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I'm with Kaylan. There is nothing wrong with a girls night out. Infact, I think it's healthy for partners to indulge in their friendships and have activities outside of the relationship. It's what you do at a girls night out. When I was married and in relationships, the women that were single were free to dance with whomever they chose to dance with. The ones that were in relationships, either sat around talking/drinking/eating or danced amongst themselves and if a guy (guys) tried to step in, they (we) would casually move away or state that we weren't interested. Boundaries and respect for you and the relationship is what is lacking. You both have different expectations and values. It would be best for both of you to communicate boundaries and if you both can get on the same page, or step away from it because both of you are going in different directions. Plus, she's 20. 1
Author joemax Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Why don't you want her to go out? Do you not trust her? I used to trust her 100%, I used to say nothing and not even think about her going out twice, but ever since the two 'incidents' that occurred with other guys, it's become increasingly difficult for me. 'Let' her go. Not that it's your choice. If it bugs you so much that she's hanging out with friends then you aren't compatible. What bugs me is the fact that they want to go clubbing and drinking. Why go to a place where there's dancing, alcohol, and other single men when you all have boyfriends? I think you arent so much annoyed by her having a fun night out with the girls, but more with her having fun with other guys at these nights out. This is totally understandable to me. I wouldnt want to see my girl dancing body to body with some guy. Exactly! OP, question: Do her friends, excluding or including their boyfriends/spouses, ever come over and 'hang out' at your place? Do her friends 'know' you, other than instances like your early arrival at the bar to pick her up? One thing I am familiar with are the actions of a woman who is, or isn't, in love and possessive of her man. Has she ever unexpectedly encountered you dancing with, speaking to, or laughing with another woman? If yes, what happened? Her friends do know me, we spent new years with them at a cottage, something that I planned. We do hang out quite often and other peoples' places, I've invited them to my place, we've swam in my pool, we've hung out often. Just dancing and you already mad? She is to young to be like a old lady sitting at home with you. Dancing with other men. Who cares? She was sowing her wild oats...doesn't that tell you anything? G I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. I think it's good for the most part for you to have time with your buddies and her to have time with her friends. However, it would bother me if her friends were of a certain type or if all she ever did was party when with her friends. How well do you know her friends? Also, I have seen many, many times girls who were well-intentioned for the most part get themselves into bad situations due to alcohol or running with the wrong crowd. It can actually be reassuring to have your gf go out clubbing or whatever and hear from a trusted third party that she was spurning guys left and right. I've had this happen several times. I absolutely agree that it's completely healthy for her to have time alone with her friends and likewise for me. And I do know her friends well I'd like to think, and most of them are flirty... OP, is she ever the initiator of these "girls nights out" or does she just go along with them? [...] It's bad behavior, and she clearly has bad friends. But if she's not initiating these girls nights out, it's possible she is being brought to this bad behavior by these bad friends, and could be redeemed. Hard to say. I can't remember the last time she was an initiator of a girls night out, I'll give her that. joemax, It sounds like you've been in a really tough spot. Entertaining the mere act of questioning your compatibility with a woman you'd like to marry is extremely painful and difficult. I'm sorry that you are in this position. It seems almost as though you are navigating around your girlfriend's behavior, trying to keep the peace, and trying to accept her behavior. Looking through this discussion I see some who view your girlfriend being in the right for doing bar hopping. While others view her in the wrong. Right or wrong isn't important. What's important is you, how you feel, and whether or not you are compatible with your girlfriend. Who are you? What do you want in life? What are your values? The harsh reality is that you can continue navigating this tightrope around her behavior, but you cannot make her change herself, even if you've been completely taken by her and want to marry her. How many years do you think this can keep up? I know that if I am married that I would want to be with a woman who I can see myself with for a lifetime. Maybe answering these questions above will help you figure out what's best for you. Knowing what to do doesn't mean you'll be faced with easy decisions, but you need to do the right thing for yourself. I'm someone who's done this partying/getting drunk every weekend lifestyle. I want to finish school (which I am in the process of doing) and find a job and settle down. And I certainly put huge importance on family, loyalty and respect. Which is why it's difficult for me to see her WANT to go out and drink and dance. OP, dump her. She doesn't respect you or your boundaries. She doesn't care about this relationship. Girls and Guys Night Out are ok...but only when the person going out respects their relationship and their partner. Wanna know what Ive seen loyal people do when they go out without their partner? THEY DANCE WITH THEIR SAME SEX FRIENDS (assuming we are talking of straight people). They are NOT dancing up on people of the opposite sex...because we know what bar dancing generally leads to or what the intentions of the other person is. I love going out...I love dancing...but if I met a girl I really liked, I wouldn't be all up on other chicks while Im out with my friends and possibly drinking. DUMP HER...trust me it wont get better. Don't be a wishful drama queen lecturing her and hoping she will change. Just bail now. When I communicated everything with her, she did say "It's fine I won't go", but I don't know, it didn't sound like she was being sincere at all.
stillafool Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 At the age of 21 she is doing what she should be doing which is going out and living her life. I don't blame her one bit. If you have already done the party scene thing then it is her turn. I think you are being selfish and afraid another guy will take her from you.
kaylan Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 At the age of 21 she is doing what she should be doing which is going out and living her life. I don't blame her one bit. If you have already done the party scene thing then it is her turn. I think you are being selfish and afraid another guy will take her from you. Shes being selfish. She shouldn't be in a relationship if she wants to party like a single girl. She doesn't have to disrespect him by dancing on other men. OP DUMP HER. She will NOT change, and will stray anyways. Shes not gf material. Leave now. You were warned. 1
ThatMan Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 The mere act of questioning your compatibility with a woman you'd like to marry is extremely painful and difficult thought to entertain. I misphrased the most important sentence in my message so I wanted to correct it. There was once a time when I've danced around a woman's antics because I wanted to marry her. I couldn't do the right thing for the longest time because I wanted to keep the relationship alive. Her actions would continue and there's nothing anyone could do to stop it. Accepting that we're incompatible was extremely difficult but necessary. You have to find the strength within yourself to do the right thing once you figure out what you want in a relationship. Speaking for myself, I can easily tell you what is right for me. There are some actions that I do not accept within a relationship; bar hopping, clubbing, online dating websites, and singles meetup events. If I want to enjoy all these things then I'll live up the bachelor lifestyle and remain single. I've been a bachelor for several months because it's what I want. It's perfectly acceptable for women to grind and dance with other men. But it isn't okay with me if a spouse does that. You already know what you want out of a relationship. Your girlfriend is twenty-one years old. She's just now spreading her wings and living life. If she wishes to enjoy being a bachelorette then you cannot stop her.
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