Nyer20 Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I am not married, but my boyfriend and I have been going out a long time. The thing is I have a problem because sometimes, once and a while, I will get really anger for what seems like no reason at him. I say things I don't mean, like threaten to leave or just say something nasty. After I say it and he gets really upset I feel awful and I try to comfort him. Any advice?
Mira221 Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Maybe see your doctor to see if your hormone levels are off. I know sometimes when its that time of the month I go into bi*ch mode and would rather snap someones head off than be nice about anything. For awhile I didn't even realize that was what my problem was. Then one day I payed close attention and would check my calendar and noticed the closer it got to that time of the month then I would notice a change in how I acted and responded to things because of the drop in my hormone levels. If thats not the problem then maybe see about some anger management classes.
Groovy Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 I confess I have been the same way. Some people drink too much when they get angry, some people hold out on sex, some people get physically violent. And then some people put on verbal fists. It's not a good way to be, you are right. Recognizing it it the best part and realize no one is perfect. The man who got the most of it was degrading me and I think it was my way of being even because I can be quick and cause some real pain with words. But I also dated a very nice man who didn't do much to deserve it. He loved me and I realize now he wasn't what I wanted. I stayed in it for unknown reasons and resented things the way they were and I lashed out at times. Do you resent things in your relationship? Is it maybe a fear of intimacy pushing someone away? Are you afraid to let someone be in charge? Or do you just have a hot head? Only you can answer that!
tigerskye Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 I so know what you mean. I have been with my boyfriend over 3 years and I am the same way you are. My boyfriend will do nothing wrong but for some reason I snap at him. I yell, i get mad, i get angry, i threaten to leave him, i have even threaten to commit suicide when I am like this. First, I have started taking action about this because the last time I got like this and told him I did not want to be with him and I should die. He told me never again and that he was calling my dad. I told him not to do that and he told me I had to take action or he would tell my dad what I was doing. So I have took action on how I am! My best advice and what has helped me is consueling. It has really made me see what my feelings are and why i do what I do. If you cannot afford it( I am in college so I see mine at school), then there are other options like reading books on topics. I really need to look into books I can read too. So if I see any I will let you know. Also talk to someone about how you feel, someone that will listen and maybe been though what you are! If you ever need someone to talk to you can e-mail me, [email protected] I know what you are going through and I can listen! Another thing is that when i get angry I take a few seconds to myself and then when I am calmed down I go back to him and we work things out calmly! Hope that helps!
Groovy Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 I try to wait 24-48 hours to talk about things so I do not destroy a friendship. My problem is just that I am a hothead and I say things I don't mean.
Mustard Bomb Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 Originally posted by Nyer20 I am not married, but my boyfriend and I have been going out a long time. The thing is I have a problem because sometimes, once and a while, I will get really anger for what seems like no reason at him. I say things I don't mean, like threaten to leave or just say something nasty. After I say it and he gets really upset I feel awful and I try to comfort him. Any advice? Check with your doctor first. Then, if nothing is medically wrong, take stock of what is happening. Are you taking him for granted? Do you treat him with the same civility you would treat your boss or friends? Sometimes women have an odd habit of being insanely accommodating to everyone but those who love them most. Check yourself - do you love him? Are you taking out stresses on him that belong elsewhere? How are your manners around him? It's possible you have an overall problem with anger -it's a hard problem for women to accept, sometimes. We don't always have an outlet, except in relationships, but that is no excuse. What is it in your life that makes you angry: co-workers? Messy house? Your inability to get what you want? Isolate it, if possible, and express it. Here, if nowhere else. There is an old proverb that says "it is easy to steal from the furious" - and really, it just means that your anger blinds you, and makes you vulnerable to calmer thieves and people. Anger is a weakness, and he will likely count it against you, eventually. So nevermind him, deal with yourself.
tigerskye Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 I have actually found two books that could help The Anger Workbook for Women: How to Keep Your Anger from Undermining Your Self-Esteem, Your Emotional Balance, and Your Relationships Author: Petracek, Laura J. and Good Women Get Angry: A Woman's Guide to Handling Her Anger, Depression, Anxiety, and Stress by Gary J. Oliver, H. Norman Wright I know it sounds stupid. But with my first problem of my guy not asking me to marry him yet. I read men are from mars and women are from venus. And it helped me so much understanding everything. I am now more at calm with that than I ever was before! I am going to orders these books and see if they are any good!
Groovy Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 Men are from Mars Women are from Venus...Loved that book, definitely recommended. As far as women and anger, I find it is more acceptable in society for a man to lose his temper than a woman. It's kind of a double standard, just my opinion though. Woman are supposed to be nuturing and accomodating, not short tempered.
tigerskye Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 Originally posted by Groovy Men are from Mars Women are from Venus...Loved that book, definitely recommended. As far as women and anger, I find it is more acceptable in society for a man to lose his temper than a woman. It's kind of a double standard, just my opinion though. Woman are supposed to be nuturing and accomodating, not short tempered. And that is the reason why women have such problems with anger and trying to deal with it. Since it is not acceptable for us to have a short temper it is hard for us to come to terms with having a problem and dealing with it. Since we are not supposed to be that way we push it to the side and say we don't have a problem with it! Just like in the 50s when women we quiet about not having a problem with staying at home and being perfect. But it finally came out and women are so much happier now because they don't have to live up to a standard they can never get to. Women with anger problems need to face them. Not everyone is nuturing and accomodating even though I know I thought I was but now I know I have anger problems!
Recommended Posts